Dear Tim: Should I keep in touch with my ex-auto mechanic?
Tim: Aw hell no. That is one bad idea. This is the guy who knows all about the fluids, care and general state of your automobile. What are the two of you really going to talk about once he's doing all that kind of stuff with other cars and not with yours? Oils, lubricants and how well the brakes work just won't have the same comfort level anymore.
Did you end the relationship or did he? Because if he ended it, and he's not retiring, you know all he's doing is looking under even more hoods now, overhauling more transmissions and generally forgetting your piece of shit car.
If you ended it, how much more awkward could it get? What are you going to bring up? New things that your new auto repair guy does to your car that you enjoy more? Or things that he does differently you never really thought of? Basically, you need to just move on.
I was inspired to write this because whenever I login to my hotmail account, there are links to these little articles, but they always only include the first few words of the title, like, "Should you keep in touch with your...". One day, I was for some reason really hoping it was about keeping in touch with your ex-auto mechanic. It was merely an (exhaust) pipe dream I guess. And yes, I am, in fact, cornier that the state of Nebraska.
Sometimes, when I am walking on some surface that allows footprints to be left (like sand, snow, etc.) or if I hate someone and have muddy footprints, I try and walk in really bizarre patterns to either throw people off or make them wonder what the hell kind of strange gait I possessed. Really, it is one of my favorite things to do. Like go with a giant step with a drag of one foot proceeded by a slithery S shape with the next foot. By then, people will be wondering not only how you walk, but what the hell kind of creature you are. And when you eventually commit that crime that you are bound to committ, CSI will be so thrown off that they won't be able to just plug you into their footstep database and figure out it was you right away (well they wouldn't be able to figure it out right away if you hadn't signed your name on the wall after hearing how all great criminals had a "signature", not knowing this was meant to be a beacon for something creative you did at each of your crime scenes rather than an actual autograph).
The other day I was discussing with someone what superhero they would most like to be, and while I opted for the obvious of Superman (what did you expect me to say, something boring like The Green Lantern?) he opted for The Flash because of all the "bets you could win". For some reason my mind automatically pictured The Flash playing normal casino games like blackjack and roulette, thus leaving me totally perplexed as to how his super speed would be helpful at all. I think the person who I was talking to saw my confusion and explained what they had obviously meant, but I have not ceased thinking about the sheer nonsense in the idea of The Flash playing roulette and due to his Flashness, thinking he had some sort of advantage.
This past weekend was a tad out of hand. Two Cubs games, two nights out, lots of drinking and many funny times and fun moments. Like when we were out for Joe's birthday on Saturday night and someone ordered shots of Chambord and I for some reason mistook them for saying "Jeff Gordon" (I have no idea how this happened) and for the rest of the evening I was clamoring for more Jeff Gordon. It was simply whelming. I really did myself this weekend.
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