The subject line of today's musings should be a Top 40 Album, with Jonah Hill remaking a bunch of Lauryn Hill songs. If William Hung could sell an album, then Jonah Hill could sell 12 albums. His album could go double aluminum, or triple wood as some in the biz call it.
The real reason I needed to speak out today was not to promote this album, but rather to speak on an important subject, and especially important given the fact that it is February 10th: Halloween.
I am not sure how this happens every year, especially given its consistent date, but Halloween always sneaks up on me. And as such, the week before Halloween you always find me in just about the same place; no concrete plans, awful costume ideas which develop one after the other, and the awful fear that Sam Adams Oktoberfest will once again be gone, as hearty and malted as when it showed up conspicuously early in mid August. My plan choices usually consist of some melange of parties at friends of friends, trick or treating in the projects, me putting on a "costume" (which is usually some pants I have not worn in a long time and a silly hat) and staring down a bottle of whiskey, or watching reruns of Step by Step on ABC Family. The costumes are even worse; they are either so elaborate that even the most skilled Hollywood costume designer would have a tough time making them on such short notice (ideas like..."Oh, I will just dress as an Orc from Lord of the Rings," or "I will just whip together a Spongebob Squarepants costume ((which would end up with me looking something more like an IRS auditor))".
This week before Halloween is in direct comparison to the week following Halloween each year. November 3 or thereabouts, I know exactly what my costume will be for the next year (always something extremely witty, brilli ant, well designed, and easy to put together) and as far as venue goes, i always have exact plans for the next year at that point (although as goes for any holiday, should hugh hefner invite me to the mansion, i will be there. Especially for one of his legendary arbor day parties ((brought to you by arbor mist: arbor mist the number one wine for people confused as to what wine is or what it should taste like))
So, how will i avoid this next year you may ask? There are only a couple sure fire solutions: buy a shit ton of masks, or just get it over with and buy a unitard and tell people every year I am some different WWF (I refuse to say WWE, since when it was awesome, it was still the WWF) wrestler. This will cover costumes for years to come. I will wear these masks with the tuxedo that I own. Then I'll be classy spiderman, classy king kong, classy nixon, classy Andre the Giant, classy Ravishing Rick Rude, classy Doink, etc (and wrestling nerds, I don't give a shit that these people did not wear unitards....if you really think I would pay for an airbrushed pair of Spandex pants with my face on it, well, you might be correct, but regardless, the unitard has to have some use). Once these ideas were exhausted, I would be like 57 years old, and so busy flying around with my jetpack that I have little time to think about Halloween or anything but my successful futuristic career designing...ummm....something futuristic sounding, like koopelbangs.
As far as venue, i should simply begin holding a giant Halloween party every year....complete with a giant bowl of punch, a creepy noises soundtrack i will pick up at target, a bowl of eyeballs i tell people are peeled grapes, some cow brain i tell people is cow brain, and some convicts dressed as such. All of these will make my party extremely authentic, frightening, and fun. Especially the convict part, especially when we play a game of "my knives are missing from the kitchen and old Howard over there was in the tank for stabbing people and has an odd look in his eye"
I am happy to have helped everyone solve Halloween. Start thinking about it today, February the 10th, and I guarantee some success for October 31 this year. And by success I mean not watching Step by Step for your Halloween excitement this year.
