Decimal points, it turns out, are important, much to the delight of every sixth grade math teacher around the world. I guess way too many zeros on a number can also be a tad not helpful. So this all makes sense, allow me to tell you about the billboard that I saw the other day. It was at one of those VFW Posts and they had a sign advertising the food specials. It read “Friday All You Can Eat Fish Fry $7.99…Ham Sandwiches $350.00” So a few things could have led to this sign: 1) They were really really trying to sell the fish. 2)They only had one ham sandwich. Pure supply and demand situation. 3)The person who posted the prices on the board had no knowledge of numbers, decimals, or really that much at all (in fact I think fish may have been spelled “fush”) 4)Ham is far more delicious than the last time I ate it, and worth $350 for a sandwich. 5)Ham also has become a precious commodity. I think option number 4 is the most realistic.
So, this whole Exxon Valdez tanker spill thing happened a while back…something like 1988 (do not check any fact for historical accuracy as I really have no clue. Shut up as well). So I was only five at the time and remember nothing more about it except for the fact that for some reason all birds up in that region were really really covered in oil. I did not really put two and two together and figure that this was due to an oil spill, but rather I instead just thought that the water by Alaska and the animals there were just some oily fucks. Of course now that I am a wise old sage, I know that really a boat crashed, it was filled with oil, and this resulted in a bunch of oil being everywhere, animals learning to live in oil and make resulting Disney films about their love of living in oil (remember that song, “I love living in oil/ almost as much as I love Adonal Foyle/ living in water was no fun/ Bambi’s mom got shot with a gun), the TV series Northern Exposure, and the unfortunate comedy of Carrot Top.
But, in my sage old age, I also recently found out the reason for this oil tanker crashing: the captain of the boat was wasted, and was a known wastoid. This is fucking hilarious. The captain had a drinking problem that Exxon (and Valdez for that matter, who was always busy humping donkeys and was far more interested in coffee than oil than his older half brother, Pablo Exxon) knew about all along, had made him go to rehab for a few times, and were fully aware that he might still be drinking as he piloted around tankers. I also was fortunate enough to hear the audio of this drunken Captain (Morgan perhaps?) reporting his crash and subsequent spill to the Coast Guard. It sounded like your typical “Ummm, bro, I sort of parked your car really close to the stop sign.” “How close?” “Ummm…yeah, you might try and stand it up tomorrow after you move your car next.” “Are you serious?” The radio in to the Coast Guard might as well have been pretty much identical. “Ummm…this is the Captain of the Exxon Valdez, we may have hit something and seem to be leaking some oil.” “Bro, are you serious, just like a small leak or what?” “Ummm, sort of I hit a rock and all the millions of gallons of oil have left my ship. Like if you added vinegar right now you could make some serious salad dressing.” “Salad dressing is not made with that kind…that’s beside the point…are you wasted?” “(Giggling)”
So after hearing this story and finding that Exxon is trying to avoid paying some sort of crazy fine, I just want to laugh and also hear an update about the captain of that ship. Is he still making as many bad decisions? Has some major corporation enabled to wreak as much havoc yet or what?” Think of the other companies he could work for and the problems he could cause. (No this is not one of those times where I then list a few companies and take care of all the wit for you. Just imagine a really drunk dude working pretty much anywhere. It’s funny)
KONICHIWA.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Because I wanna
Sometimes language and linguistics really throws some things for a loop. For instance, in French, you might casually say “Vous n’avez rien envier a Bob Dole, et aussi votre tete a la forme d’un pamplemousse.” A loving compliment, right? But what if I told you it means, “Bob Dole has nothing on you, and also your head is the shape of a grapefruit.” Not such a loving compliment anymore, is it? Alright, so that is not really the point of what I am talking about. What I want to talk about more are the words a “couple”and a “few”. A couple is two. A few is any number greater than two with no particular limit but not really some huge number. That is that. Things that are couples: two people dating, the little holes that you plug things into (obviously not a three pronged one…that’s like a freaky deeky plug),and ummm…lots more stuff. I can’t really think of any. Screw you. But if you too casually toss around this word when you don’t actually mean it or just substitute a few when you mean actually just two …well it can lead to some trouble: allow me to give some examples:
r) god tells Noah to just bring a “few” of each animal. Chaos ensues. Next thing you know the 27 panthers Noah brought have eaten all seven chickens. Noah then gets hungry and eats the first ever panther stuffed with chicken. A Serbian national dish is born (best with side of cous cous infused in zucchini oils)
7) Man asks new girlfriend out of shameless curiosity how many other men she has “been with”. She says a few. He interprets that she has made films where records for sleeping with men are broken in 28 minutes.
XVIILB) Morbidly obese man at Hooters orders (due to some sort of odd speech pattern and vernacular) a “couple of da wings and a couple of da fries”. The waitress, a blonde who takes everything extremely literally yet cannot define the word literally, brings him two chicken wings and two fries. The morbidly obese man is so irate he eats a large portion of the Midwest, including Omaha, Nebraska. *Based on a true story.
Those new Cadillac commercials where Grey’s Anatomy lady says all that stuff about the car and then creepily utters, “But the real question is, when you turn your car on, does it return the favor?” I NEVER WANT TO LIKE A CAR THAT MUCH. (not to even begin to think about the driving difficulties posed for males/ potential ordeals with law enforcement should you be pulled over ((next thing you know you are canvassing neighborhoods telling them how you are a stage 2 sexual predator just because your car was so sexually appealing to you…you creepshow)) Cadillac, gear this back a little bit. Sure, your newly designed autos look pretty flipping sweet, but I do not think psychologists even have come up with a term for carsexual, unless the word is just that, carsexual. I guess I do know some creepy people that might actually be into that sort of stuff, people who are always talking about their “plans for their exhaust” or “what they put in their tank” or “how they did it in their trunk with a freaky girl/tranny hooker”. (actually there is a hilarious SNL skit about a car you can do…follow this link to watch it…)
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x11ok_pub-mercury-mistress_ads
As the winter roads are continually ravaged by snow, plows, angry moles, Mexicans, jackhammers, people with chained up tires, and a neverending ebb and flow of ice and water, a large number of potholes have emerged. I’ll admit, some of these potholes are incredibly large and have definitely inflicted a great number of flat tires. So, yeah, watch out for them, but no, do not slow down to a stop to drive through them at 2 miles per hour. Maybe this would not bug me as much if the main culprits of this slowing and stopping assholish maneuver were people who had Jeeps. Isn’t your vehicle supposed to be ruggedly driving over woodland creatures, yet you cannot handle a small bump in the road? Oh, that’s logical. Way to support your hardcore, flannel wearing, Jack drinking image by being afraid of these tiny holes. Candyasses. I drive a Honda Accord and am simply always trying to reach some sort of speed to fly over these potholes. I am a man though.
r) god tells Noah to just bring a “few” of each animal. Chaos ensues. Next thing you know the 27 panthers Noah brought have eaten all seven chickens. Noah then gets hungry and eats the first ever panther stuffed with chicken. A Serbian national dish is born (best with side of cous cous infused in zucchini oils)
7) Man asks new girlfriend out of shameless curiosity how many other men she has “been with”. She says a few. He interprets that she has made films where records for sleeping with men are broken in 28 minutes.
XVIILB) Morbidly obese man at Hooters orders (due to some sort of odd speech pattern and vernacular) a “couple of da wings and a couple of da fries”. The waitress, a blonde who takes everything extremely literally yet cannot define the word literally, brings him two chicken wings and two fries. The morbidly obese man is so irate he eats a large portion of the Midwest, including Omaha, Nebraska. *Based on a true story.
Those new Cadillac commercials where Grey’s Anatomy lady says all that stuff about the car and then creepily utters, “But the real question is, when you turn your car on, does it return the favor?” I NEVER WANT TO LIKE A CAR THAT MUCH. (not to even begin to think about the driving difficulties posed for males/ potential ordeals with law enforcement should you be pulled over ((next thing you know you are canvassing neighborhoods telling them how you are a stage 2 sexual predator just because your car was so sexually appealing to you…you creepshow)) Cadillac, gear this back a little bit. Sure, your newly designed autos look pretty flipping sweet, but I do not think psychologists even have come up with a term for carsexual, unless the word is just that, carsexual. I guess I do know some creepy people that might actually be into that sort of stuff, people who are always talking about their “plans for their exhaust” or “what they put in their tank” or “how they did it in their trunk with a freaky girl/tranny hooker”. (actually there is a hilarious SNL skit about a car you can do…follow this link to watch it…)
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x11ok_pub-mercury-mistress_ads
As the winter roads are continually ravaged by snow, plows, angry moles, Mexicans, jackhammers, people with chained up tires, and a neverending ebb and flow of ice and water, a large number of potholes have emerged. I’ll admit, some of these potholes are incredibly large and have definitely inflicted a great number of flat tires. So, yeah, watch out for them, but no, do not slow down to a stop to drive through them at 2 miles per hour. Maybe this would not bug me as much if the main culprits of this slowing and stopping assholish maneuver were people who had Jeeps. Isn’t your vehicle supposed to be ruggedly driving over woodland creatures, yet you cannot handle a small bump in the road? Oh, that’s logical. Way to support your hardcore, flannel wearing, Jack drinking image by being afraid of these tiny holes. Candyasses. I drive a Honda Accord and am simply always trying to reach some sort of speed to fly over these potholes. I am a man though.
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