Oooo that smell, can't you smell that smell?

Lord knows I can smell that smell. One of my coworkers has a penchant for dousing himself in stinky bathroom Lysol when he uses the facilities and it is all I can smell sometimes at work. I guess it is better than the alternative which is a stinky- ass bathroom.

The other day I was riding on the "El" and I saw an advertisement for a study at Northwestern University that lasted for 8-9 weeks...for people with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)....how the hell are they supposed to focus on something for 8-9 weeks? Aren't these the people who are distracted by shiny objects, bright colors and movement? I guess that is not my concern. I would have advertised for this study on a sheet of aluminum foil written on with neon paper....and it would have been for several 8-9 SECOND studies. Scientists. So smart, but so dumb at the same time.

MNF Food Review
After a strange series of events and twists and turns, axles, lutzes and triple toe loops, we once again convened for Monday Night Football at Christi's. This food review will be written from the point of view of a 108 year old man with dentures who lived through the Depression:

There was too much damn food there for all you youngsters. In my day we could have fed our enitre boarding house with that much food. And pizza? Those damn dago's always trying to force us to eat their food....and it could have helped if you had some damn applesauce or a bottle of Scotch....damn kids...can't you just get me a hooker to go with these "veggies" and "ranch dip"? what the hell is this crap anyways? In my day we were lucky if me and my 15 brothers and sisters shared a can of beans for dinner before we had to roam the streets looking for stray yarn and cats for food and clothing in no particular order....damn kids...

Also at MNF I thought to myself, "What if Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Bill Cowher wrote a Dear Ann/Abby sort of column? What if any number of people wrote this sort of column? What if I took off my pants right now? Would that be wrong? It is warm. I could go for a mento right now. The fruit ones."

So here are several excerpts from these Dear Ann/Dear Abby columns:

Dear Bill Cowher: I am landscaping my backyard and seem to have run slightly onto my neighbor's property...what should I do?

Bill Cowher: SHOVE IT DOWN THEIR FUCKING THROATS THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO! IS IT 4TH AND INCHES AND YOU'RE SCARED TO GO FOR IT? ARE YOU LANDSCAPING OR PLANITNG FUCKING FLOWERS? ARE YOU SCARED YOU LITTLE BITCH? THEN GET THE FUCK OFF MY FIELD! OH? WHAT'S THAT? YOU WANT TO GO FOR IT? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU FUCKING PANSYASS.

Dear Bill Cowher: I was thinking about asking my girlfriend to move in with me, but I was scared of what people will think, what should I do?

Bill Cowher: ARE YOU SCARED OF PRISON TOO? OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO LIKE MEN! YOU WOULD BE THE ONE GUY ON THE FIELD WHO WOULD LIKE PLAYING CENTER WITH THE QUARTERBACK REACHING UP UNDER YOUR ASS! LITTLE GIRLY MAN!

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear potentially gay, dance loving, six year old British school boy: What's a better gift? A year long subscription to a magazine or a newspaper?

Potentially gay, dance loving, six year old British school boy: My mum always tells me to stop looking at the underwear ads for men, but I do so enjoy to see how Baryshinikov may have kept himself in place. People magazine always has all the juicy gossip I love too...oh it is such a hard decision...harder than choosing whither you fancy Swan Lake or the Nutcracker more.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Robot 769543 at the Sony plant? How old is too old concerning a child sleeping in their parent's bed with them?

Robot 769543 at the Sony Plant:
01001101011000010110110001100110011101010110111001100011011101000110100101
1011110110111000100000011011010111010101110
0110111010000100000011000100111010101101001011011000110010000100000011
101000110010101101100011001010111011

__________________________________________________________________________________

I cannot think of anything else to talk about now. I might post again later in the week since work is sort of slow this week. My friend Sarah comes back from London soon and that is really, really cool. Time to play some Wheel...of....Fortune

I whooped Batman's Ass

No one has yet to call me on my plagiarism of Wesley Willis song lyrics as titles for my posts. Maybe because Wesley Willis was a talentless, schizophrenic, little-known musician who had a knack for pushing the demo button on a keyboard and making up charming songs such as "Cut the Mullet", "Suck a Cheetah's Dick", and "I Whooped Batman's Ass". What a loss it was when he died two years ago.

For this weeks post, I did not even need to be creative, as life has proved humorous enough. As I mentioned, me and a group of friends were returning home for the Spades tournament which is always a great time. I will now tell some stories and try and make them sound extree-funny.

When Haley, Brian, and I arrived on friday evening, Rev arrived shortly thereafter. Not long after that we began playing some Texas Hold 'Em poker. Then Rev (who has creepy potential far above anyother people I know) says that he has to go out to his car and get his shades, which a re of the silver mirrored variety. Then the rest of the night, we all had no clue where he was looking (indubidably at various crotches, cleavage, toes, etc.) and this would often make me began laughing while we were playing cards. This would lead to him talkimg smack, saying that he could read me like a book and me me beating him. I know hardly anything about card strategy, but I do know when I have good cards and this was the night.

Then we drank a bunch of beer and everyone else showed up (Jen, Joe, Matt, Lisa, Christi, Bell, Proctor, Amber). All in all it was a goodnight.

The next day we hung out, went over to Churchill Downs, and once there I decided it was time to start drinking. In retrospect, this was a bad idea. Of course hindsight is 20/20, All I had at the track were two Jack and Cokes as my weekend of being Jerry Seinfeld (every dollar I spent evened out, I could not seem to spend any money) continued. We stopped at the liquor store on the way home to purchase beverages for the evening. I bought a bottle of Jim Beam and a bottle of Jaeger that Brian and I intended to share. Also to demonstrate some polarity in the situation, I was buying 50 dollars worth of liquor, and Haley bought a six pack. Woo!!!! Then I consumed one beer at home before we left for the tournament.

Once at the tournament I was paired with Jim Trammell, probably the king of weird people. I think this was the point when my mind decided it was going to take a little vacation that evening and it was getting there by way of the Jim Beam Express (what a fucking corny line, I cannot believe I just wrote that...but words are words and there is no way I can delete them, especially after this long paranthetical phrase).

So, we played our first game and dominated. Then, as the Spades tourney typically can do, we did not play our second game until nearly an hour and half later. In that time I probably had three drinks (by the second they were half Jim/ half Coke) and Brian had made us each a couple of Super Jaeger Bombs. These were not shots he made us, they were drinks that we chugged.

Then we played again and we lost. I drank more.

Then we played again and we won.

Then I don't remember playing anymore, but I am told we played two more games. I do slightly remember playing cards and them moving all around, but I don't remember our opponents. *I do not really drink this much anymore, ever. I love having a few drinks and feeling warm and fuzzy, but not cold and desolate and incapable of thought*

It turns out in the second game we played Matt and Brian. Brian decided he wanted me to be drunker and made us some more of his Nuclear Jaeger Bombs (this is all hearsay). Then we lost on the 4th hand, because I evidently had bad cards.

Then I guess I passed out somewhere and began puking.

Then I made it to a bathroom and began puking.

Then Brian was consoling me while I was puking.

Then Brian and I were beating the hell out of each other, both landing several really hard blows to the face. (In Fact my right cheekbone is still sore to the touch, and it is Wednesday).

Brian and I did not remember the cause of the fight and basically had to be told this had happened. We formulated several ideas:

1)Brian, while patting me on the back while I puked, whispered things to me like, "You puking pansy ass....you little bitch" I then got mad and punched him.

2) Brian somehow slammed my head into the toilet and this is how I chipped my tooth, ergo causing me to punch him.

No one will ever really know what happened. Great. Once this portion of the brawl ended, I saw my chipped tooth (which may have happened earlier in the evening when my mother and girlfriend picked the lock on a bathroom to find me passed out on a toilet with my panys around my ankles and I fell off it and hit the ground...hard...as I said before this was not my finest hour) and raced upstairs, grabbed Brian and put him in a headlock and started ferociously beating his head all the while saying, "He chipped my tooth!"

Eventually we were separated and I was evidently blubbering and very near tears about my tooth, while drinking a cup of water. I even went on a long winded diatribe to my sister Kay saying things like, "I have to wake up and look in the mirror at this face everyday. Do you have any idea how much a tooth costs? I don't have dental insurance."

Then on the drive home I threw up that cup of water. I woke up the next morning, with a sore face and wearing all my clothes from the night before, including having my jacket zipped up and my shoes on. What an awesome night.

Also, there is this kid named Gabe who is crazy (he is the son of Jim, my weirdo card playing partner) These were some of his crazier antics:

He was scanning through the channels very rapidly and would have a starnge comment on each one, seemingly explaining why he had changed it (this is a fun one to try out at home)

"Too many Chinese people"
"Not enough men"
"Too much food"
"Lacking hot dogs"
"Fuzzy"
"Too many flowers"
"Not enough beans"
"Dogs....perfect"

Imagine each of these being said in rapid succession as he flipped through the channels. HI-larious.

He also turns out to be great at drawing. He would draw a picture of a man cutting off another man's head with a sword and approach Joe and say, "Do you like the picture I drew of us?" Very disturbed, but funny to think about afterwards.

Happy Turkey Day fools. Let me know if any new topics need to be discussed.

The secret ingredient in KFC Extra Crispy Chicken?...Human Teeth

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their comments. They have really been helpful in shaping what I write now as well as in the future. Your e-mails, as numerous as the stars, were also just too much as now I have no idea what to write about. Wait, that's right, NO ONE POSTED ANY COMMENTS OR GAVE ANY FEEDBACK. THANKS A MILLION. I LOVE MY READERSHIP. Seriously though, I just want to know if anyone reads this. So post a comment, say what you like, it doesn't seem that it could be that hard. But computers are difficult for some, so I understand.

Second of all, Christi once again cancelled Monday Night Football viewing at her house. That is why anyone who goes should boycott all future MNF viewings there. Here are three excellent reasons to do so:

1)The smell. I don't about any of you guys, but I have to throw away any clothes that I wear while I am there.
2)Risk of Avian Flu. At Christi's is the only time when we have those boxing matches with our hands stuffed inside various uncooked poultry.
3)Dangerous "hamster". Christi's "hamster", Rufus, is the size of my leg and eats twice as much as I do. He once ranked #15 in the AP College Top 25 Football Poll.

This past weekend I finally saw the new Willy Wonka movie. I definitely enjoyed it, but all too readily miy mind kept comparing it to the original. Here, in this groundbreaking blog, we will see which is better.

Old Willy Wonka "Charlie"- This Charlie was ugly, had falling out hair and wore some crazy ass clothes. This is much more what I would expect from a poor ass kid who searches in storm drains for chocolate bars.

New Willy Wonka "Charlie"- This Charlie was played by young up and comer, Freddie Highmore (of Finding Neverland fame). He looked consistently clean throughout and always had a cheery disposition. He only occasionally searched through garbage cans and kept making dumb decisions to benefit his family rather than himself.

Advantage: OLD

Old Willy Wonka "Willy Wonka"- Gene Wilder was great. A tad scary, but great all the same.

New Willy Wonka "Willy Wonka"- Johnny Depp was smart enough, under the direction of Tim Burton, to not try and imitate Gene Wilder at all. Instead, he took this role and made himself into a cheery, pale, weirdo. Brilliant.

Advantage: NEW

Old Willy Wonka "Oompa-Loompas"- These guys were phenomenal workers and wore awesome costumes, and sang awesome songs.

New Willy Wonka "Oompa Loompa(s)"- One man, who I am not even sure was a midget, who used computer graphics to become a bunch of men. I did not like this oompa loompa as much. The costumes weren't awesome, and the songs were only okay. The only good part of the songs was watching Willy do funny little dances and giggle as they sang. Not to mention their seeming lack of work ethic.

Advantage: OLD

Old Willy Wonka "Other Kids"- Mike Teevee, Violet Beauregard, Augustus Gloop and Veruca Salt really set the standards pretty high in terms of their representations of their roles. Veruca was a snotty ass bitch, Augustus a victim of morbid obesity, Mike, an overindulged idiot, and Violet, a brash, overconfident little dumbass.

New Willy Wonka "Other Kids"- Mike Teevee was even more pretentious and annoying and the best part about him was that whenever he spoke, Depp would say to him, "You're mumbling. I can't understand a single word you're saying." Violet was tolerable. Augustus seems to be easy to cast and Veruca was right online with her predecessor.

Advantage: OLD

Old Willy Wonka "Charlie's Family"- A strange mix of a poor old laundry doing Mom (who sang the worst song ever in the history of film), no Father, and four old grandparents in a bed. Grandpa Joe was awesome and had a badass moustache.

New Willy Wonka "Charlie's Family"- For some reason, they needed star power, in terms of Helena Bonham Carter, to play Charlie's Mom. His Dad was weird and looked like a citizen of Whoville from the Grinch and his Grandpa George was a rolling ball of negativity. I am glad they stuck wit the grandparents in the bed idea, though.

Advantage: OLD

Ok, so the old one was still a lot better, but I guess the new one might be worth watching to someone, somewhere.

Ok, with credit to ESPN.com's Page 2's, the Sports Guys' Intern (damn you apostrophes, damn you straight to hell) http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/links/051116....I see that GPS companies are now releasing celeb voices for their voice guided directional systems. Here are my Top 5 and Bottom 5 voices I would like to guide me:

Top 5:
5) Jack Palance
4) Will Ferrell
3) Gary Coleman
2) Ah-nold
1)Marv Albert

Bottom 5:
5)Bjork
4)Kurt Loder
3) Marv Albert
2) Stephen Hawking
1) Gilbert Gottfried

Yes, I know Marv Albert is on both lists, but he is both a gift and a curse. "Turn right in 1.5 miles....YES! Let's see that one again!"

I am excited about going home this weekend with some friends to play some Spades, it should be a fun time. I had more to write about but I am bored of typing and finding my humor to be slightly lackluster today as well. MAYBE SOME COMMENTS WOULD HELP SO THAT YOU COULD TELL ME SOMETHING THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR MY FUNNY OPINION ABOUT. whatever.

"And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality"

The title of this week's post comes from a Seinfeld episode. It amused me. I put it as a title.

I have a lot on my mind for this week's blog, so you, as the reader, can only hope that I am willing enough to type it all out, or else you will only get partial and incomplete thoughts as I am prone to write due to lack of development due to lack of enjoyment of typing due to bad typing skills due to lack of time playing "Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing" in grade school due to more enjoyment of such titles as "Number Munchers", "Odell Down Under" and "The Oregon Trail" due to a mind fascinated by shiny objects and crappy animation. That explanation was simple.

First of all, whenever there is a terrorist attack of some sort, Al Qaeda is always quick to claim that they did it. Not only are there attacks stupid and based in faulty logic and thought that I could never understand, but what kind of retards are these guys? Weren't they ever kids? Did they always claim they did everything just so they would get in trouble and keep everyone else out of it? Maybe they are just a bunch of sadists. Here is a grade school scenario:

Teacher: Whomever stole all the canned goods we had been collecting can just return them when the lights are off and we all have our heads down.
Al Qaeda child: I claim full responsibility and wish to be punished aptly, potentially by being hunted down by CIA operatives who are a little higher on the crazy scale than me.

This is when the kid did nothing. Maybe they are just trying to project rebel image to get some ass from the ladies. I will never know.

Next, onto the music portion of the blog. There is currently a hip-hop song by a group called D4 which is ecvidently all about one of the most whimsical candies, Laffy Taffy (a joke on every wrapper) being referenced as some part of a woman's body, as they are told to "shake their Laffy Taffy"....the song has ruined Laffy Taffy for me but at least it is a joke on that rapper...PUN! ZING!

My older sister, Eileen has suggested two great names for my future male progeny, Ace and Buck. I think they are great names and what follows is the transcript that the two of us exchanged in an e-mail:

Eileen R. writes: "you never commented about my second awesome name for your second awesome son: Ace. I mean, Buck and Ace are going to be the coolest, most-popular, most sought-after kids ever. I wish I could use the names, but I don't know what last names I'll be working with. Buck Radway, Ace Radway. Those are men."

I responded: "I do love the name Ace and I have already proclaimed that those will be my boys names. Buck will be a short, brawny lad and will love bench pressing, football, and wrestling with bears. Ace will be outwardly shy yet ultra smoove with the ladies and a skilled manipulator of situations. I do enjoy the names"

They are two badass names and I am glad my children will be blessed with them. Unlike these unfortunate children, whose names suck:

Ruben- all I can think of is a sandwich, or the obese American Idol winner. That is what people will think when you name your child Ruben.

Ashley (male)- Although there was a dude by this name in Gone with the Wind...who cares? Don't name your son anything that will make people think it is a girl. Especially when he is a baby and you are trying to dress him in trendy pink polos.

Edna, Mildred, Bertha, Agatha- These are all old people names, and your children will live their names appropriately as they apply for Medicare and join the AARP at the age of five. And no one will think a thing because they have old people names and thier date of birth MUST be a typo.

Candice-She will end up being called Candy and then end up stripping. Do you want your child to strip? If you answer yes, don't have any kids you sicko.

Jack and Coke Rating Scale

Even though I have an awesome girlfriend, I still have a rating scale for ladies which I must use when my male friends ask me about their prospective ladyfriends. My scale is based on the number of Jack and Cokes I would have to drink before I would make out with them. So a 1 is very good and a 20 means I would be dead before I would consider it.

For instance:
Jessica Alba -7 (I am a confident individual, but she is too hot to approach sober)
(Ok that was a bad example)
Roseanne Barr- 25

And that seems to be all I can come up with, but you get the idea. It is always funny to me when I use this scale that people always assume I am using the normal "1 to 10" ugly to hot scale.

Bryce: What do you think of her?
Tim: A solid 19.
Bryce: Dude, that girl was gross, how was she above a ten?
Tim: I die at 17 drinks man...die...and that's even after temporary blindness and loss of feeling at 14...so she would have to do some necrophilia shit if she wanted some of me.

That's all I've got. Leave comments please. Leave your own scales or rating the opposite sex. And regardless of what I said before, if there is anything that you want to hear my talk about, let me know.

And Twins

So, Halloween was this past Monday, and while they day itself was ok, the preceding weekend ended up being quite a letdown.

For the first time in five years, there was nothing really going down this weekend so my friends and I resolved to just go out. The problem was even this was disorganized and as I was feeling slightly under the weather by the time they were ready to go out (at 11:30 on Saturday night) I had little or no desire to go drink, in the rain, while wearing Batman costume at such an hour. I think sleeping turned out to be a good idea as it helped me get better and all I really missed was a typical Adam and Brian night where they got drunk, stripped down to their underwear, painted war markings on their faces with nail polish and terrorized a neighborhood. I've seen it done before.

When we all got together for Monday Night Football (on actual Halloween) it was rather humorous to see me in a Batman costume, Brian in his Robin costume, and Adam in his Spiderman costume sitting around. It felt like we were in a justice league meeting. Enough recap....time to get funny.

A Tribute
My girlfriend, Haley, just played her lost home volleyball match of her senior year and this is her last week of organized volleyball. From what I can tell, Haley is pretty good, but no one in D3 Woemn's Volleyball ever measured up to my true understanding of both the rules and skill levels of volleyball, from the ealy 1990's Nintendo game, Super Spike V'Ball. Allow me to illustrate:

Players on the court-
D3 Women's V-Ball- There were always six players on the court at a time, and sometimes they could not even reach balls that were hit inbounds.

Super Spike- Two rugged men per side, with range like the Andes....bitch.

Referees-
D3 Women's V-Ball- These were frequently overweight men/women who were balding and had an excessive zeal for the sport of volleyball.

Super Spike- A hot chick in a green visor and pink bikini top. Grrrrrrr.....

Level of Play-
D3 Women's V-Ball- Some players were able to hit the ball rather hard and I have witnessed some pretty good shots to the faces of opponents.

Super Spike- A spiker's hand would glow red and send the opposition flying into the stands when struck hard enough. I never saw this at one of Haley's games.

Good career though Haley.

Also, having been at numerous matches over the last couple of years, I have come up with a way to make matches quicker and more enjoyable. (For those uninformed, it is best of five games, with each game to 30 points. It usually takes a damn half hour per game).

1)At any match that I attend, I get to be the referee guy in the chair thingy.
2)The teams will line up prior to the match. I will judge them superficially based on several factors (hair, spandex, general attractiveness). I will then award 30 points to the team I like better. (That takes care of one game off the bat. This also eliminates the volleyball player that is my height ((6'4")) and looks like Chewbacca due to teams not being able to lose this easy aesthetics based game)
3) I also pick my "favorite" player on each team (based on the same factors as in Number 2, outlined above). Each team is awarded the same number of points as this player's jersey number.
4)Actual match play would then begin. Unlike in "archaic" scoring systems, in my system many points could be rewarded during each point as it played out. Here are some points that could be rewarded:
1 Point- Cool save
1 Point- Good block
1 Point- Good roll over thingy when diving for a ball
5 Points- Diving into the bleachers
10 points- Making an opponent's nose bleed
20 points- Cool Shot

5) As I do not really understand the "fouls" in volleyball (the things that are illegal and end a point) anything I deem not quite right, I would whistle the play dead by saying "Cheating" and pointing at whomever had done it. Maybe I could have a flashlight to point at them too.

These rules would really make the game of volleyball quicker and more fun...and more marketable in my opinion. But once again...good career Haley. I am glad it is over.

My dog, Wrigley, as a shutdown NFL Cornerback

I know, I know...more sports...bleh! But hey...it's my blog fuckheads.

My dog is a six month old beagle named Wrigley. She is very small and very very fast. She loves chasing people and can cover a great distance in a short amount of time. The other day it crossed my mind...

"Self, Wrigley would be awesome as an NFL cornerback...and also you are peeing on your shoe."

I quickly ceased peeing on my own shoe (I was in a bar, and I have since washed them) and thought about this some more.

For the non-football literate, a cornerback in football is someone on defense who covers the wide receivers (the guys trying to catch the balls). A typical fast cornerbak could run 40 meters in 4.4 seconds or so....I'd say Wrigley could do it in 4.0 even.

I know what the detractors are thinking:
Dogs can't play football!
Dogs don't even have hands!
I hate you!

Wrigley just needs a good trainer to teach her football. As for not having hands, she will be so all over anyone who dares to catch the ball from them trying to simultaneously lick their faces and jump onto their shoulders....hands are a non-issue. So, any able dog trainers out there...let me know when the lessons start, because last I checked NFL players make a lot of money, not to mention the endorsement deals a dog could get in the NFL.