Tuesday, November 21, 2006

"Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train"

The Chicago Cubs have hit the offseason with a boom, making such huge free agent signings as Alfonso Soriano, a man who, even though his actual birth certificate will reveal him to be currently 56 years old soon, is the top player available. This gives me confidence that Cubs general manager Jim Hendry might have finally collected if not all, at least a portion of his marbles, and might make some more logical moves before the season. So that Mr. Hendry does not have to focus on all aspects of baseball operations and acquisitions, I have some non player related suggestions to help him out:

1) I think, even with the classical feel of Wrigley Field and the Cubs, we need a mascot. So either just go ahead and appoint Ronnie Woo-Woo full time or acquire some sort of actual bear. Yes, I think this would put some bite into the team if we had a however the hell much they weigh Kodiak bear snarling somewhere by the opposing bullpen. Maybe even feed it live prey during the 7th inning stretch.

2)While Cubs fans have at times had decent heckling abilities (like the time the Dodgers bullpen got into a fight with the surrounding fans), we need to lure some of the top hecklers away from their teams. Like Spike Lee, would you like to be a Cubs fan? Sure you might taunt Albert Pujols and cause him to hit 5 homers in one game, but the long term effects ought to be better than that. (Also the Cubs should sign Ron Artest for the grounds crew or something...he would be great to have around in an on field brawl)

3)From time to time, the Cubs offer silly little promotions, like a free chance to win a jersey to the first 10,000 fans. Decent, yes, but how about some crazy stuff to really get people there early and spending money. Like, "First 5,000 fans Get Entered for a Chance to Pitch the 8th Day"...with all this offensive pop we could handle it. or " Chance to Win a Date with a Player's Wife of Your Choosing Day" I'd be all about that.

So, up until this past Sunday I had a growth of facial hair on my face for the last three weeks, and it was coming along pretty nicely but I must say that I felt rather grizzly and may have in fact been becoming quiter in the mornings like some sort of lumberjack, and I was also growing increasingly aware of the chance to lose things and get things stuck in this hair growth. So then I shaved and was then accused of looking very young. Facial hair does not promote a 12-15 year swing in appearance I don't think. Am I wrong on this? Does long hair make people look older? Not really. Or the worst one I get sometimes from clients trying to guess my age, is that they thought I was older because of my height. Goofballs. It is always funny when they give me a little bag of candy around Halloween and tell me to take it home to my "wife and kids". If by that they mean Paul and Logan for the two of them to eat when they get drunk, then that is what I do.

Good day.

Friday, November 10, 2006

I hate the way you smell after you take a tomato juice bath

Shut the hell up. Seriously just sometimes it is better to just shut the hell up. I am referring, of course, (that of course makes no sense whatsoever, because it implies some sort of logical segue I am going to make, when I have established no precedent for one....this is what is going on in my head whenever I write something....and now, you, the reader, ((or I should just say Mom since she is my most loyal follower)) are thinking the logical segue might have to do with the voice in my head shutting up....and now that thought has crossed my mind too, but no) the numerous taunting phone calls I received after the University of Louisville football team had its national title hopes dashed last night at the hands of Rutgers. This taunting is dumb and silly. Think about it: 1)you know I am not going to be happy c)you know I love Louisville sports #$%)I am like a hornet's nest at times, and especially when drinking and my team lost. So don't do this. Sure, I want a double standard here, and still wish to be at liberty to call you when your team has suffered an awful defeat, so let us just respect that.

The suburbs of Chicago hate children. There is no way to put a positive spin on that. Let me explain (even though I think this paragraph would be more effective if I offered no explanation): One of my favorite memories of being a child, three years ago, would be when my Dad had raked all the mold-infested, slimy, wet leaves that had fallen off the trees in our rustic Kentucky backyard farm (hahaha lying) and we children would then run and jump in the pile, and using or homemade shivs we had produced earlier with Grandma, then try and violently stab one another. So much laughter, blood, and screams. Just kidding, we just used to jump in the leaves, I was trying to sensationalize things a little bit.

Getting back to the point of children and hate mongering in the Chicago suburbs, the people here all rake their leaves into the streets. Which makes it stupid for driving, and dangerous and nearly unthinkable for children to play in these piles. I, personally always used to love hiding completely in the leaves, pretending it was my personal dead-moldy leaf sandy beach. Which is weird because I hate sand. But if a kid hides in the leaves here, they will be run over by a car, driven by me.

What an election we just had. I love election time. And due to my special story fabrication abilities, and previous political experience (student council president in 8th grade, student senator freshmen year in college ((where I got the ping pong table I promised))) I am throwing my name in the ring for the next round of House elections...in six years. Damnit.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Unicorns and the People that Believe in Their Existence

Hopefully you were not enticed to read this particular entry to read of my views of unicorns and the people that believe in them (let me just say, those people are 95% of the time FREAKS...unless they are for some reason some really hot, crazy girl with a unicorn tattoo on her back....that would be sweet....because hot/crazy girls are the best...for conversations that have no real rhyme or reason) because you are sure to be sorely disappointed. Although, if you really hoped for dialogue on that subject, send me a message or comment or something, and I'll see what we can do. Also I was watching some old SNL and that Kevin Nealon character "Mr.Subliminal" was on, and I forgot how funny that guy was...he would always just say random things under his breath while speaking as a way to work subliminal thoughts into people's minds...I am not sure it will work at all written, but at the very least I can be amused.

As we move from the month long saturnalia known as Oktoberfest into the dismally cold and dreary Hungovember I feel the need (to eat cheese) to address what I have failed to notice has always been one of my favorite holidays: Halloween. It offers the opportunity to (see girls dressed scandalously) wear a costume, eat some candy., shamelessly frighten people until they urinate on their pants, and maybe even throw an egg at someone if they frighten you while you are making your annual Halloween omelette (you weirdo, who eats an annual omelette for Halloween?). As I said, I (think you should remove your pants) really enjoy Halloween. Now, we can delve into the history books for a series called "The Halloween Costumes I Have Been that I Can Remember at my Advanced Age".

Age 3 - I think I was a ghost. Evidently my parents had not nurtured me creatively yet, or maybe I was slow and still unable to speak and thus it was more of a "throw a sheet on that dumb child of ours and hope no one notices the drool" than anything else.

Age 4- I had made a pact with the (United Arab Emirates) Devil that allowed me to be awesome at all times, and therefore dressed up as the Devil....it was pretty cool.

Age 5- Ummmm......did you have a question?

Age 6- My parents made a phenomenal skeleton costume for me, if I recall, even staying up late the night before Halloween so that the glow in the dark paint they used would dry before I wore it in to school the next day. Imagine me, much smaller, no front teeth, extremely curly hair, wearing a little full body skeleton costume with little gloves and little booties to cover my feet....I used to be cute at some point.

Age 7- I was a genie. It was pretty awesome but some of the tired (you are sleepy) lines I heard from my fellow second graders were, well, tiring. "Do I get a wish?" "Go back in your lamp douchebag." "Enough with the racial slurs." Tiring.

Ages 8-18- I don't really recall the order of my costumes during these ages, but I do recall at least some of them:
-A girl...I was hot
-Frankenstein- still very hot
-A hockey player (I think I was this one just because I wanted to wear my Dad's old shin guards we had down in the basement, since I have never been a hockey fan and have been ice skating a grand total of two times in my life...so...for the love of the game I guess)

Alright, so I guess I only remember three costumes. I could apply thought and whatnot, and I am sure I could contact (the dead) my Mom or something and she would let me know about all those missing years, but this is not a Wikipedia entry or anything.

Age 18- I was a "Dude"...I wore shorts and a t-shirt, a Gilligan style hat that had blonde hair sewn into it (which I had purchased at the beach, for some reason believing it would come in handy), and sunglasses. Not shabby

Age 19- I was Abraham Lincoln. Not sure why at all I picked this one, but all I know is that when I went to Joe's house for their Halloween bash, many little kids were frightened of me...something about the hat made me seem even taller than I am I guess.

Age 20- A very Will Ferrell-esque Spartan cheerleader. This was one was (shut up) sort of fun.

Age 21- A female volleyball player. I was running low on costume ideas, and dating a female volleyball player, so spandex was readily available. Thank goodness I have very sexy legs.

Age 22- Batman who never left his apartment. This Halloween never really got off the ground, and now I lost the head and ear part, so I cannot even wear the costume around the house. How disappointing.

Age 23- Peyton Manning from that Sprint commercial. It was all good and a well enjoyed costume until I lost the mustache and became a drunkard in a wig and Peyton Manning jersey.

So, Halloween=Terrificness.

With the upcoming political elections (go vote, assholes) one cannot help but be inundated by a slew of campaign ads. Watching these with my friend Paul, he pointed out the funniest thing ever. Just listen to the music shifts on these bad boys. When they are harpooning their opposition, the music is low in tone, deep and slow. Then they switch to talking about the candidate and the music is bouncy and light. Quite funny. And the candidates are always doing normal everyday activities in the ads...walking through fields of sunflowers with puppies and babies and feeding the homeless at the same time....how touching.
HOLLA