MEXICO: DAY 4: ARMAGEDDON

As I arose on the 4th day of our trip, well rested from an evening of general nothingness, I noticed the sun was shining hotter than it had, the birds were swooping closer to people's heads, the cleaning staff were generally more agressive, and people were not moving out of my way when I walked straight at them (this has long been a tactic of mine...I don't mind a collision, it is sort of like a slow pedestrian game of chicken, and usually, given my physical stature, I win. Sure, I have not won when I run into some 35o pound man who is searching out the funnel cake at whichever crowded venue I have been walking, but usually things turn out okay). This was going to be a frightening day, I could just tell.

Alright, truthfully, I had no clue what the day would hold, nor did I really see any of these foreboding signs. My life is slightly cinematic, but when I am writing the screenplay about it, I will definitely have to add some shit to make it more exciting, like explosions and transgendered actors.

So, as was the usual routine, we went and ate breakfast and people discussed their plans for the day. Thankfully, finally people had likewise abandoned the beach, where the sun could beat down upon you with some extra solar "flare" and cause 4th degree burns all over your previously pale body....errrr.....yeah. So everyone wanted to go to the pool. Terrific. So, we went to the pool, and Bell and I began the drinking for the day. I figured, last day, what the heck, might as well start early. So, I began with a strawberry daquiri, and it was quite delicious, and I thought, well I might as well keep drinking these for the rest of the morning time. It will be refreshing, relaxing, resin-filled, and other r words. So, after the first one, I got another strawberry daquiri. By this time, Matt and Kevin had joined our drinking expedition, with Matt informing me that he was going to get "wasted" that day. And, we also began a 4 man drink system. Everytime someone went to the bar in the pool they were to return with 4 drinks. So, after my two delicious strawberry drinks and Matt's declaration of achieving wastedness, I for some idiotic reason decided it was time to switch to my mainstay- the good old Jim Beam and Coke. So, switch I did. Luckily, neither bartender who had disdain in his heart for my liver was working yet at the early morning hour. All the same, I began consuming these powerful libations with a zeal generally reserved for contests of some sort, like that used by Kobiyashi when he eats all those damn hot dogs.

Within probably an hour, I was ten or so drinks into my day (this is deceiving because the cups they used were probably only like 8 ounce cups....these were not huge drinks), and five minutes or so into underwater breakdancing, discussions of going into the center of the water aerobics class occurring in the pool (they were in a huge circle), and hiding our groups now impressive tower of cups underwater whenever the pool guy came by to collect them. I was also having trouble maintaining balance while keeping the majority of my body underwater to avoid too much sun, and singing quite loudly.

At some point, orange bikini and her sister, pink bikini, arrived to lounge by the pool, seated no more than about 100 feet away from us. So I began talking, ummm, to is not the correct word, I was definitely talking at them, or actually yelling in their general direction. "HI. ARE YOU GUYS SISTERS OR WHAT? YOU WANT TO HANG OUT OR SOMETHING? CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?" And five minutes or so into it, I began to respond for them, "OH? YOU DO WANT TO HANG OUT, BUT AFTER GETTING SOME MORE SUN? TERRIFIC. YEAH, I'M NOT TOO HIGH ON THE SUN RIGHT NOW. YEAH I GUESS I CAN WAIT. DON'T WORRY I WON'T LEAVE." At that point in my drunkenness, there is no way of knowing if I was serious about this, or if I was just trying to entertain those around me. Matt also began using the best line ever, "Have you met my friend Tim?", said in the general direction of any woman that passed by, and as Matt did not have his glasses on, some men as well I think.

So the drinking continued. It was big fun. Then the speedo adorned pool activity dude asked us if we wanted to play some water volleyball. I told him "No, we just really want to drink." But then he came back and asked again, and I told him we would only play if he gave me his Ray-Bans. So, he did, and thus we ended up playing some pool volleyball. There were maybe four or five of us from the group out there, but all the rest of the people we did not know. But they quickly became acquainted with me and my loud shouts of "boo-yeah" and my Jekyll/Hyde type play on the court. First of all, I was a huge dick and kept trying to hit basically every ball. Secondly, I would sometimes make phenomenal spikes and blocks, while other times playing my typical volleyball style of nearly maiming people really far away in strange directions that no person in their right mind could expect the ball to travel. So, it was as if I was both the best and worst player on my team at the same time. Except for this damn guy from Canada. He really did maim someone on the other team with a shot right to the side of her head while simply giving them the ball so they could serve. And, given my slight or extreme intoxication, I was quite loud. My presence was felt. Unfortunately we had left the shady spot in the pool and my shoulders were now out of the water. I could feel them burning and began screaming things like "OH GOD I FEEL THE SKIN CANCER" and then frantically splashing water on my shoulders. Eventually everyone grew tired either o my antics or of the volleyball, and we decided to get back to drinking.

Then it was time to eat lunch. Again, I ended up with some of the most random foods on my plate that only a drunkard would wish to combine. Something like some pieces of iceberg lettuce, an intricately carved, decorative piece of some gourd, a hot dog, and some feta cheese.....I mean seriously, I don't even like that food. Then, it was back to drinking in the pool. It was our last day of vacation, so seriously, why hold back? Not that I really have much of a holding back speed. As the day wore on, we lost some members of the expedition, as I recall. But eventually Matt and I were still drinking at some point in the late afternoon and we went over to the pool bar to sit around in the shade of it and just drink there. Who was working but none other than Leo, one of the bartenders who wished to cause immediate liver decay. I saw this, and being six to seven sheets to the wind already, tried to hide and whispered to Matt that I would just like a strawberry daquiri. The pool bar had columns at the corners and I had ducked down behind one, nearly underwater to avoid being seen by Leo. Unfortunately he peeked around the corner and said, "Ken-too-key! Beam and Coke?" It's like I really made this guys day. And then it was like he really made me something that was not a Beam and Coke, but rather a cup of Jim Beam with ice and the mere good intention of a drop or two of Coke. This was the first of maybe three of these I consumed. And although I complained and made whiney, three year old type noises, I drank them. Then proceeded to go to the other side of the pool and just start "talking" to people. By talking I mean, go into the center of the pool near no one in particular and just start yelling in the general direction of people. And I think actually talking to people that Matt had "Have you my my friend Tim?"ed. And then at some point some people that had made my acquaintance (and I think by the end of the day, everyone in the pool probably knew who I was...you can't really miss the large, drunken, red man yelling strange ass shit) by way of Matt's phrase were like "Yeah, we have met Tim" so then Matt offered them high fives. It was all too funny.

Then, everyone departed to their rooms to clean up before dinner. I never really made it back out of my room, in fact. I was totally gone. I laid around being drunk and sunburnt, evidently tripped over a water bottle on my way to answer the door at some point (with a fantastic crashing noise and laughter by those on both sides of the door), was delivered food by Christi and Bell and just laid around. It was basically great. Everyone was going out to one of the bars on the resort and I eventually showered and aimed to meet them, but by the time I finally fell out of my room at like 11:45, I ran into Christi and Bell on their way back and then returned to their room for some Office Space viewing and eventual sleep in my own bed.

The next day we left. It was a long day of travel but we returned. It was an awesome trip. I am sure I left out a lot. But when that much drinking is involved, stuff gets left out. My bad. Out.