The other day when I innocently enough logged in to Yahoo to check on some fantasy sports when this story headline caught my eye (and actually it was not even a headline, it was like the 7th story down...poor, poor man) "MAN KILLED BY GANG OF WILD MONKEYS".
Sorry MAN, but I chuckled my ass off at your demise. I cannot think of many more headlines about death that I could read on Yahoo and have such a fine chuckle and immeidately shout the headline out to everyone else within listening range. Paul even said that should he die in an attack perpetrated by a gang of wild monkeys, he wants everyone to enjoy a fine chuckle, a guffaw, maybe even a knee slap/crying from laughing humor in addition to bringing tiny stuffed monkeys and wearinf Hawaiian shirts at his funeral. I say, how could we not laugh it up? Just wrap your mind around it, GANG OF WILD MONKEYS. You see some monkeys walking down the street, throw up the wrong gang sign or wear the wrong color, and next thing you know, you're getting a Chiquita slammed down your throat.
So, here are some other funny ways to bite it:
Unclogging a Sink- I only mention this because the other night Logan and I were trying to unclog a sink and first used baking soda and vinegar along with some hot water. This did nothing so we then used some Draino. I mentioned "What if this blew us all up right now? It would probably look like some cult suicide with boht the state of this house and my bed haphazardly thrown on the floor in the next room."
Getting a Bean or Marble Stuck in your Nose
Trying to Float Away in a Chair with Balloons tied to it to float away
And Darwin Award favorite, farting in a room with not enough ventilation so that your own gas kills you.
Lately for some reason I have had an extreme problem with exaggeration, particularly when it is numerically related. A few weeks ago I declared that the Cubs were going to score 27 runs in one third of an inning. Obviously this did not happen. After Randy Moss caught his second TD of the first half last week and his 11th of the season, I quickly asked if he was going to catch 100. When someone asked for odds on the Rams to win the Super Bowl or something like that, I threw out 75,000,000-1. I have no clue what has gotten into me. I am just like one of those little kids who has no sense of how numbers actually work. What's two plus two? Threeve?
A couple weeks ago my Mom was kind enough to purchase me some new dress shoes. They are very stylish. But there is only one problem: they have spent the last couple weeks trying to MURDER my feet. I actually no longer have a left heel and only one toe remains on my right foot, so I guess it really takes care of all my shoes sizing problems. Am I supposed to oil these shoes up and put some string around them with a baseball in it? I am not sure. Instead I just keep wearing them, and being manly...at least until the gangrene from all the wounds sets in and becomes too much to bear.
THAT IS ALL. I have things to do. Like finding a life.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Cow Sexy Time, Keg Races and Utah, Oh my
So, my jungle friends, I just recently wrapped up the second cross country journey in the last five months, but let me tell you- this one was a lot more fun. There were obviously a few reasons why this was more fun, namely that Brian was kind enough to fly out and make the journey back with me, but also I saw some cows boning by the side of the road. So, mainly those two reasons.
Brian arrived at LAX around 8:30 on Saturday night a week and a half ago. From there, we headed straight to Vegas. (Fill in crazy Vegas stories here...if you have read about any other Vegas excursions, this one was a lot of the same- excessive drinking, not excessive sleeping, funny moments, Brian having a lame beard that looked like he had meticulously glued armpit hair to his face, me having an awesome beard, hours in the pool, ladies being oddly attracted to my awesome beard and (so it seemed) laughing at Brian's armpit hair beard, etc.) On Tuesday morning, we left Vegas.
I was pretty sure I was going to die. Thankfully I did not, although it took several Gatorades, some food, and 7 shocks with the paddles to make it as such. To make matters worse, we planned a long day of driving for the day we left Vegas for a couple reasons: 1)we needed to start making some progress easterly and 2) That evil bitch of a state, Utah.
As I believe I commented on Utah before, there is nothing there. It is rock after rock after rock with no civilizations for hundreds of miles at a time. I believe Utah has scary people with the plague living in these rocks who ill try and eat you if you stop (sort of like Red Light, Green Light the mortality version). So, we drove and drove and drove..and drove and drove. So, not only is it boring, but it is quite expansive. After most of the Utah drive was over, Brian and I came up with a theory that all the states around Utah pretty much fucked them over. "Hey Utah, we'll give you a really geometric shape AND the Great Salt Lake" (snickers) Then Colorado took all the awesome mountains. California took a whole bunh of stuff, and Arizona took all the senior citizens. Everyone wins. Alo, while in Utah, Brian kept wanting to stop and become a polygamist. I'm not sure he really understood the whole idea.
After an intense day full of driving we ended up in Vail, CO crashing at the swankiest Holday Inn the world has ever known. Yet, even though we showed up at 11:30 at night, the room still cost way too much considering our purposes (get some sleep, listen with glasses through the walls to hear the neighbors, leer at anyone using the pool in the morning). Our original destination had been Denver for that night, but Utah really took a lot out of us. So, he next morning we set out for our intended destination of Lincoln, Nebraska with the plan to stop there, get a room downtown and go out and drink and watch the Cubs exciting day one action.
On the way to Lincoln, we got to see some unexpected cow sex action. Which is pretty funny to see. (And that morning before we left we had been watching some sort of animal funny videos show where they showed a kangaroo masturbating...I don't think many people can top that combo in one day).
It turns out Lincoln thinks they are some sort of vacation Mecca an downtown has the right to try and charge $169/night for a room with two beds (I almost boldly asked if there were some sort of unspoken extras thrown in while tugging on my right ear...okay, so I did, but the Nebraska folk did not pick up on that). So we ended up in some large ass room with a couch at a Days Inn down the road with a case of beer and some pizza watching the game. As far as the game went I would rather not talk about it. Just as I was going to drift off to sleep, Brian turned on the scary ass movie (and I know most of you don't think so, but I tend to be a huge pansy) Stir of Echoes. Just as I was about to drift off to sleep, I heard..did not even see...but heard some scary dialogue which caused my heart to race and ended up causing me to be awake until roughly 6:30am. I do not know why this happens to me.
Thankfully that day called for only a short day of driving to Iowa City, home of the University of Iowa. On the way there I was communicating with Trevor who reminded me he knew a girl who Brian and I had both met who went there. He furnished us with her number, we called her, and lo and behold, that evening we are fake pretending to be in the frat that was paired with her sorority for some keg races at a bar. The way these races work is that each team has a number and once the race starts it turns into the pi at Wall Street with everyone feverishly signaling their number and bartenders bringing them beer from said corresponding number. Brian and I, born for just such an event, shoved our way to the front and were chugging down beer after beer. The only problem was, we saw hardly any other people holding up "1's" and we lost. (Although my frat association did come in handy later in the bathroom when an angry man knocked a soap dispenser off the wall and looked at my hand to see that we were "brothers").
The next day it was back to Chicago, and once again back out to drink.
Saturday, back out for the Cubs game and back out to drink in the city that evening. It was on Saturday evening that I was dressed up in some of the oddest clothes I have ever worn, felt like a big fool, and nearly got mauled as if I were one of those guys from an Axe body spray commercial. The way my ensemble was thrown together is that we were over at Bryce's before going out, he had some clothes he was giving away, Brian and Paul threw together some crazy ensemble, and I may have had enough to drink during the Cubs game to wear it. But, like I said, this odd ensemble caused some sort of crazy animal magnetism, and a lot of fear on my end that I was going to get beat up in the mens bathroom. For your viewing dismay:
So, I will not be dresing like that again. I just felt too weird. Or I jut don't have any of those clothes myself.
So now, I am just doing the freaking out about being unemployed thing and working really hard to get a new job an not have to ask some sort of Mafia crime lord for money. So far, so good.
Brian arrived at LAX around 8:30 on Saturday night a week and a half ago. From there, we headed straight to Vegas. (Fill in crazy Vegas stories here...if you have read about any other Vegas excursions, this one was a lot of the same- excessive drinking, not excessive sleeping, funny moments, Brian having a lame beard that looked like he had meticulously glued armpit hair to his face, me having an awesome beard, hours in the pool, ladies being oddly attracted to my awesome beard and (so it seemed) laughing at Brian's armpit hair beard, etc.) On Tuesday morning, we left Vegas.
I was pretty sure I was going to die. Thankfully I did not, although it took several Gatorades, some food, and 7 shocks with the paddles to make it as such. To make matters worse, we planned a long day of driving for the day we left Vegas for a couple reasons: 1)we needed to start making some progress easterly and 2) That evil bitch of a state, Utah.
As I believe I commented on Utah before, there is nothing there. It is rock after rock after rock with no civilizations for hundreds of miles at a time. I believe Utah has scary people with the plague living in these rocks who ill try and eat you if you stop (sort of like Red Light, Green Light the mortality version). So, we drove and drove and drove..and drove and drove. So, not only is it boring, but it is quite expansive. After most of the Utah drive was over, Brian and I came up with a theory that all the states around Utah pretty much fucked them over. "Hey Utah, we'll give you a really geometric shape AND the Great Salt Lake" (snickers) Then Colorado took all the awesome mountains. California took a whole bunh of stuff, and Arizona took all the senior citizens. Everyone wins. Alo, while in Utah, Brian kept wanting to stop and become a polygamist. I'm not sure he really understood the whole idea.
After an intense day full of driving we ended up in Vail, CO crashing at the swankiest Holday Inn the world has ever known. Yet, even though we showed up at 11:30 at night, the room still cost way too much considering our purposes (get some sleep, listen with glasses through the walls to hear the neighbors, leer at anyone using the pool in the morning). Our original destination had been Denver for that night, but Utah really took a lot out of us. So, he next morning we set out for our intended destination of Lincoln, Nebraska with the plan to stop there, get a room downtown and go out and drink and watch the Cubs exciting day one action.
On the way to Lincoln, we got to see some unexpected cow sex action. Which is pretty funny to see. (And that morning before we left we had been watching some sort of animal funny videos show where they showed a kangaroo masturbating...I don't think many people can top that combo in one day).
It turns out Lincoln thinks they are some sort of vacation Mecca an downtown has the right to try and charge $169/night for a room with two beds (I almost boldly asked if there were some sort of unspoken extras thrown in while tugging on my right ear...okay, so I did, but the Nebraska folk did not pick up on that). So we ended up in some large ass room with a couch at a Days Inn down the road with a case of beer and some pizza watching the game. As far as the game went I would rather not talk about it. Just as I was going to drift off to sleep, Brian turned on the scary ass movie (and I know most of you don't think so, but I tend to be a huge pansy) Stir of Echoes. Just as I was about to drift off to sleep, I heard..did not even see...but heard some scary dialogue which caused my heart to race and ended up causing me to be awake until roughly 6:30am. I do not know why this happens to me.
Thankfully that day called for only a short day of driving to Iowa City, home of the University of Iowa. On the way there I was communicating with Trevor who reminded me he knew a girl who Brian and I had both met who went there. He furnished us with her number, we called her, and lo and behold, that evening we are fake pretending to be in the frat that was paired with her sorority for some keg races at a bar. The way these races work is that each team has a number and once the race starts it turns into the pi at Wall Street with everyone feverishly signaling their number and bartenders bringing them beer from said corresponding number. Brian and I, born for just such an event, shoved our way to the front and were chugging down beer after beer. The only problem was, we saw hardly any other people holding up "1's" and we lost. (Although my frat association did come in handy later in the bathroom when an angry man knocked a soap dispenser off the wall and looked at my hand to see that we were "brothers").
The next day it was back to Chicago, and once again back out to drink.
Saturday, back out for the Cubs game and back out to drink in the city that evening. It was on Saturday evening that I was dressed up in some of the oddest clothes I have ever worn, felt like a big fool, and nearly got mauled as if I were one of those guys from an Axe body spray commercial. The way my ensemble was thrown together is that we were over at Bryce's before going out, he had some clothes he was giving away, Brian and Paul threw together some crazy ensemble, and I may have had enough to drink during the Cubs game to wear it. But, like I said, this odd ensemble caused some sort of crazy animal magnetism, and a lot of fear on my end that I was going to get beat up in the mens bathroom. For your viewing dismay:
So, I will not be dresing like that again. I just felt too weird. Or I jut don't have any of those clothes myself.
So now, I am just doing the freaking out about being unemployed thing and working really hard to get a new job an not have to ask some sort of Mafia crime lord for money. So far, so good.
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