Tuesday, December 26, 2006

It's like playing a ukulele

Thoughts scribbled on 17 cocktail napkins for some reason in my pocket (and for stranger reasons I wrote on them)(and for even stranger reasons you believe that I actually a)had 17 napkins in my pocket and b)wrote on them))

So, today is December the 26th, in the 2006th year since that crazy Jesus character was supposedly born. All I know is, on his birthday, many people in the world, rather than get him anything, exchange gifts with one another, as well as receiving gifts from a certain "Santa Claus". This "Santa Claus" character was very good to me this year, in part due to the fact that when my youngest sister put out Santa's requisite "Milk and Cookies" (and cheese, since there was one of those "behold the power of cheese" commercials with Santa in it a few years back, and Nora really gets down with some cheese), I added a shot of whiskey and some lines of corn starch to give Santa the impression he was getting some fine nose candy to help him through his evening (out of kindness I also rolled a dollar bill for ease of use).

Santa took the whiskey and the corn starch, although surely sans cocaine like effect, was moved around.

Then the gift opening began. One after the other Santa got me some of the most ballin ass gifts that I had wanted. Among them:

-One of those new iPod shuffles
-A fancy grown ass man work coat (which makes me feel like either a classical pianist or a Matrix character...two strange dreams of any man)
-New running shoes
-A sweet ass tennis racket

So, if you want to know the trick, give Santa some fake weasel dust (or Aunt Nora, Big Bloke, Coca, frisky powder...don't worry I looked these all up....I am not that up on my cocaine terminology....besides I only like my blow in mountainous form...hahaha) and a shot of whiskey. (Or have a well defined not too gaudy list and generous awesome parents...one or the other)

This weeks subject was from a decree I made on Saturday evening while my family and I had the "joy" of dining with my 90-some odd old grandmother at her retirement home community. The phrase "it's like riding a bike" used to signify that something, once learned, is easily repeated even if a duration of time has passed is henceforth replaced by "it's like playing a ukulele". There is a back story behind this, but alas I do not feel like telling it.

In last year's just before New Year's blog, I suggested a couple of grandiose New Year's Eve speeches (they follow in italics, and they still could work for this year...or maybe I just crack me up)

A New Year's Eve toast should alienate at least three people you are with, or lead everyone you are with to believe they are a part of an elaborate Ashton Kutcher/Alan Funt hidden camera trick.

For example:"As we enter this new year, everyone raise your glass and drink if you don't have at least six STD's" (After everyone drinks (since no one wants to own up to this) randomly then say three people's names and something like "and BLAH, BLAH, and BLAH are liars" (then pause for laughter) then say, "No, I'm serious, those guys have been around more than the first merry go round" (pause for laughter again, then put in video you borrowed from the library about the perils of STD's and make everyone watch)
or

"To all of my friends and family who have used the restroom tonight...you just got PUNKD!!! And also, the drinks have all been non-alcoholic so (fill in blank), you can stop acting like that."

Wow, it is hard to believe I was just as funny one year ago...pause...NOT. In keeping with the rules of a fine New Year's Eve speech, here is a new one, which brilliantly combines a Candid Camera situation with the absolute mockery and "scarlet letterification" (booyah that is a good word) of three people.

"As we get ready to leave this one year behind us, and enter the new year, there are three special people who have already begun this transition as a new cohesive team unit (at this point you should produce a shoddily made fake tape with three people in it who resemble any three people you wish to shame, the three people should either be involved in some sort of lurid sexual situation or strange cult like situation....your call). As we watch this video, let us too remember to be more open next year and permitting or new chances and people in our lives. (The just crack up because you are drunk and hopefully a room full of people are standing with their mouths open while three scramble to stop the tape)...Salut"

So that might be quite a bit of work, but no one said entertaining was simple, aside from that Martha Stewart freak possibly. Good 2006 to you, and an even better 2007.


Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I thank for things after 97% of the year, not at Thankgiving

It hit me today, all of a sudden, much like a moving vehicle strikes a blind pedestrian sans walking stick thingy, "Holy shit self, Christmas is next week! And then New Year's is right after that...where in the hoodad did 2006 go? And also food goes in your mouth, not your eye, self. Silly man creature."

So yes, I checked my cellular telephone device and confirmed that today was in fact the 19th of December. Which means the holiday many celebrate known as Christmas (literally derived from "Chri" meaning "orangutan fallopian tube" and "Stmas" which means "I would not smell that if I were you") is less then a week away. And the holiday many more celebrate known as Kwanzaa is pretty damn close too. Which is a whole other story altogether (but very short: I once declared I was celebrating Kwanzaa to try and avoid going to church on Christmas). Anyways, all leapfrogging aside, a year has nearly passed and in some sort of quasi-serious manner, I need to act confused, as if this was Thanksgiving, and say what I have been thankful for in 2006. What can I say? I follow many rules, but not the one of cornily being thankful for things in mid-November....what if you find something new to be thankful for in December? Tell me you would even remember it next November when you are high on tryptophan, ludes, and vicodin.


Family- These people always come first. It helps I guess that I have pretty much the awesomest family around. They don't smell too bad, they occasionally help out with stuff, they have not racially profiled anyone they do not know, and best of all, my Mom makes some good Chex Mix. No really in all seriousness, my family has been great this year, helping me out when I needed help or someone to talk to, putting up with my various antics and ridiculousness (and maybe even buying me an ethnic slur billboard? ((fingers crossed)) I am sure at times people could wonder how one would ever want to go about crossing someone in our family seeing as I can envision my Dad cooly throwing a molotov cocktail into a car then walking away like nothing happened. The whole family is awesome. Trust me on this.

Friends- I also happen to have the most baller ass friends in the world. I know you are thinking how did one man luck out to have the nest family AND friends? Well, I pay my friends and my family has yet to figure out how to change their residence without me finding it. My friends are the most ragtag collection of people that combine to be able to put up with me and my moodiness, vile stench, and dragon adoptions. Ok, ok being serious again, my friends really are awesome. They have helped me through some nonsense this year, made me laugh, made me think, introduced me to people who are newer friends, and consumed liquor with me to make sure I was not doing that all by my lonesome. Even if I am an asshole most of the time, I do value your friendship.

Sandwiches- People might think I am joking about my love of sandwiches, but I am not even close to playing. Without sandwiches, suddenly 75% of my meals are gone. I love you ham and provolone, peanut butter and jelly, turkey and cheddar, peanut butter and bugles (alright so that was a drunken invention last week when I was very low on groceries...and I am not even sure I liked it all that much) and all your other friendly combos. Thank you for your presence in my life.

Humor- I have begun to realize that one of my main goals in life is to consistently be laughing at something, whether it is something I am reading, something I am watching, or looking at (like a weird picture I decided to take on my phone). I guess this is slightly problematic at times to be trying to laugh at everything, like at work meetings, but I can always just pass it off as genetic juvenile dementia. Actually no one would probably think that was very funny aside from me.

Beer and Liquor- I am not extremely thankful for these two guys as much as I am for the other things on my list, but they have been a big part of my 2006. At times, maybe a little too big (like when people are accusing you of your "life spiraling out of control"...it did not happen to me, but to a guy I know...and if it was in fact "spiraling" it was a weak ass spiral...I continued, I mean the guy continued working 40 hours a week, paying his bills, all that good stuff), but when needed it definitely helped to provide some fun situations. So hops, barley, yeast, and whatever the hell most liquors are made of, thanks. But come around a tad less in 2007, ok?

To be honest I had no idea what I was going to speak about when I sat down and began typing. So, I am definitely thankful for more things, and definitely more important things than the five listed above (especially with number 3 being sandwiches...my priorities are not that out of wack). Yes, but happy 2007. And I will probably write something next week, maybe advertising a chance to get a New Year's kiss from me.....how fuckin creepy.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Manliness Exudes

My friend Eric Proctor, while never having spoken to me directly about this, has several times mentioned that when he wakes up in the morning his goal and plan for the day is to "exist as a man". And right now you are probably thinking, well what the hell is he going to exist as that day...a guppy? an albino crocodile? a homeless transgendered individual who is from Houston (Aside: I have been noticing a great number of people in the Chicagoland area with cardboard signs stating that they need to return to Houston. So, either the people of Houston have a proclivity for purchasing one way tickets here and then lacking the funds to return, or the great people of Texas are sending their worst our way, which makes them not so great)? But as I have come to adopt "Manism" as part of my life philosohy (other than one time when I said my life philosophy was that of a "Liver" in an impromptu speech in speech class, obviously not thinking ahead and saying that my life philsophy was that of an internal organ....I really meant I just live...duh) I have come to realize it is much more than just being. Existing as a man has certain qualities that can make everyday more manly. And existing as a man is key.

HOW TO BE EXTREMELY INVOLVED IN MANLY EXISTENCE:
If you want to be 100% sure you are existing as a man, combine the following five ingredients.

1)Spicy Chicken Products
-If you are consuming some spicy chicken products, you are more than likely existing as a man. Women also consume these products, but not at such great rates as men, nor at such spicyness.

2)Beer
-If you are drinking beer with your spicy chicken products, you are deeply involved in existence as a man. While women can still combine these two, they are more than likely "cooler" than other women.

3)Football
-If combining the first two ingredients with football, we have now begun to define and shape existence as a man. These three together are very mantastic.

4)Other men to partake in the first three with you
-If you are with other men eating spicy chicken, drinking beer, and watching football, congrats you are existing as a man, but since some women can still do all of these, we must add our key 5th ingredient.

5)Have male anatomy
-If you are a woman with male anatomy, you also might be existing as a man. Sorry about that (Jamie Lee Curtis)

While the above 5 ingredients guarantee existence as a man, you do not need to have all of them everyday in order to exist as a man. But it is important to have a mindset as if you WERE partaking in at least the first three everyday. So while eating other foods, think back to that glorious spicy chicken product you consumed. While watching TV, remember a key football play. While sipping on that water, use visualization and taste memory to remember that glorious beer.

And please, if trying to replicate the five ingredients, substiture when necessary but never woman up the ingredients. You cannot eat quiche instead of spicy chicken products and still exist as a man. You cannot substitute a fine Merlot instead of beer. You cann watch a girly sport like diving or gymnastics. And you should not hang out with your grandmother's knitting circle.

If you are to make substitues, try and make them more manly to ensure you are still, in fact, existing as a man. No spicy chicken? Eat one of those giant turkey legs. Out of beer? Drink shots of whiskey. No football on? Watch some ultimate fighting. No men available to watch the game with? Find some of those "cooler" women who have some notions of manly existence.

The following are great men who were precursors to Manism:
-Chuck Norris
-Bill Brasky
-Ving Rhames
-Mr. T
-Patrick Swayze in "Roadhouse"

That is all. Thank you for your time.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving's not for you

I am going to skip the foreplay this week of an opening paragraph filled with the not so whimsical details of recent events of my mundane life and get right down to the quasi-humor that you come here to read. Well actually maybe you really enjoy my opening paragraphs and find the rest of the "blog" content to be trite and unimportant, filled with lackluster drivel and unfulfilled promises. (Unfulfilled promises? What am I even talking about? You'd think I was writing this for my admiring cult followers....but I am not ready to drink the juice on that notion yet) Oh well. You're here, you're queer, get used to it.

Deal breakers. Every person probably has an internal set of these that they apply to the opposite sex (or same sex if that's how they get down) whenever searching for some sort of amorous connection. If you don't know what a deal breaker is, I will save you the shame of having to ask your children/co-workers/friends/parole officer. According to urbandictionary.com:


deal breaker:

A deal breaker is ‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess.

Example:
The deal breaker was that she was married with kids and I don't condone adultery.

This example was just the one from the website, not necessarily one of mine. Even though it probably should be since I am an upstanding individual with morals and ethics and no desire to break up a happy home with the phenomenalness that is Tim. Thanks be to God.

Anywho, I came up with some of my deal breakers. And maybe you share some of them. In fact, I would love if everyone who read this would list of their own unique reasons to hate on someone.

1)Smoking
I do not smoke. I find it gross. Mildly offensive. And plus I have no desire to makeout with a tobacco leaf (that was an awkward phase of my life, driving down to the tobacco fields of eastern KY and practicing making out with tobacco leaves....I cannot bear to be reminded) not now, or later, or really ever. So get the patch, drop the cancer stick, and let me know...unless of course you also have...

2)Perpetual "spinach tooth"
This does not necessarily mean the girl always has literal spinach stuck in her teeth, but she always has some food that can get stuck in there, stuck in there. Poppy seeds, spinach, random chunks of meat...they always have one around. Rather than humiliate them publicly by giving them a roll of dental floss (Glide, for those hard to reach places) or telling them they have crap in their teeth, I will probably instead make up a tale about my family in Cameroon to let this girl down easy.

3)A not bad, but odd smell
There are certain members of society, like the homeless, sewer workers, sanitation engineers, drifters, and prostitutes who just smell bad most of the time. Then there are those people that do not smell bad, but those girls who think that their curry-cherry perfume smells great. If you make me want to eat Indian food when I am around you, no thanks. Get a normal perfume, even if thousands of other women wear it...at least you know it works.

4)Bench presses more than me
I am not the manliest of men, nor the strongest, but if a female is lifting a greater amount of weight then me, she must be either a)gigantic, b)on steroids, or c)Nick Mangold's little sister. This would both deflate my ego and gross me out. And plus she might not fit into my strict height restrictions of 5'3" to 5'10"..those will never change. Sorry short or tall women of the world....although I guess love could overcome this height issue...but I am really tall and tiny little women make me feel like Shrek or something...and then the tall ones make me feel less mantastic

5)Her favorite restaurant is Old Country Buffet
Really anyone who would name this as their favorite place to eat concerns me as a human. Especially if they reference this place as somewhere to get a "good ________"....no you are wrong you CANNOT get a good teak there. I need someone more sophisticated than this.

And then some that need no explanation:
-Is not a Russian mail order bride
-likes hockey
-Has a Jesus fish on her car
-Bathes in parsnips
-Enjoys Adam Sandler's first film
-Has political views on par with Jack Kemp

So I am sure that I have many more reasons that I quantify as real reasons to stop liking/not like/avoid like she has the plague but I cannot think of them now. List some of your own. I will wittily banter with you about them.

Good day, good sir.