"Would I rather be feared or loved? Um... Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."

For those of you who dislike humor, the above is another quote from the Office. I actually used it last week when I posted my blog on myspace because the quote I used on here wouldn't fit. You would think I am really up with the times, what with all this blogging and discussing something called "myspace", which coincedentally is actually not my space at all, but rather a website where they force me to login to my own predetermined space. I am glad, in the realm of actuality, I am not constantly having to login to inhabit my own space. That was deep, I think I just blew my own mind. Wow.

Well for those of you who forgot or missed it, last Monday, March, 20, was my birthday. Don't be upset or feel bad if you forgot it, it is no big deal. And if you did forget it, you might be asking, "Tim, why did you not remind me? Tim, I think I might have feelings of hatred for you, can you deal with that? Tim, ever hear of bathing?"....

1)It is awkward to tell someone it is your birthday. It is like fishing for a compliment, present, cake, burned CD, or cool pez dispenser. I imagine this might be how it feels if you are handicapped or something and you have to remind people so that you receive sympathy (and that would come about way more often than your birthday...like "Hey Ronnie, wanna play some kickball?" "Guys, I was born without legs"....so I have decided that all people of the world need to come together and devise some sort of system wherein a person whose birthday is that day (or who is handicapped) can pretty simply let everyone know without directly saying "HEY IT IS MY BIRTHDAY, TREAT ME LIKE THE ROYALTY I MIGHT BE AS MY LINEAGE HAS NEVER BEEN TRACED BACK THAT FAR!"...I am thinking when someone asks you, "How are you?" on the day of your birthday, you tilt you head slightly to the left, wink with your right eye and knowingly say, "Good."...it might work....as an aside...my good friend Brian and I actually spoke twice on my birthday and even though he had asked me the previous Saturday if my birthday was on Monday, he still forgot to say Happy Birthday...oh well...23 is not that huge of a milestone or anything.

2)I can deal with your feelings of hatred as long as they are well placed and enable to you to have some sort of special ability involving fire.

3)I actually do bathe at least once a day and prior to my hospital visit (when I missed a day) I had done so everyday since sometime in 7th grade. (Don't tell my sister Nora I missed a day, she marvels at this streak and I am like her personal Cal Ripken of personal hygiene). So, that smell is not me.

The second topic I would like to address today is away messages used in messaging programs such as AOL Instant Messenger, MSN Messenger, Yahoo Messenger or whatever the hell else you kids are using these days. I, like many others in the world, use AIM and have a compulsive disorder where I check away messages about 750 times a day. But, I just might have to stop after what I have been seeing lately. Really people, you are sucking away brain cells everytime I look at your tiny yellow note that indicates why you are away.

1)"I am away from my computer right now." Put a funny quote, inform me as to your actual activity or location, or put a link to something mildly funny/offensive. Just don't put this boring ass message up. I especially hate it when I am sitting at my computer, I see someone appear online, and then instantly this message goes up. Did you go online just to tell people you were away?

2)Showering away messages, such as "Naked with water", "All naked and wet and dripping, come join me!" or the myriad other stupid ones. So, when I said I do not want to see the away message in #1, I did not want full disclosure unless you are going to give it all the time, which would actually be pretty funny. "I'm in the shower" "I am going to bed, but first hoping E! has something I can get my jollies to" "I am looking at porn right now, don't bug me"...if you are going to tell me you are showering, tell me everything you are doing when not at the computer, then it will be funny. Also, it is primarily guys who put up these messages and especially the latter type with some dumb shit like, "Come join me!"...I know of zero girls who are sitting around checking away messages and get all turned on by the idea of a guy showering and decide to accept his invitation and join him for his naked wetness. Props to Sarah P. who has had the only showering away message I ever guffawed at, "Cleaning my birthday suit"...

3) "I am playing a computer game that takes up the entire screen"....no you're not...who the fuck even plays computer games in this day in age anymore? I am sure lots of people, but most of the time it is just people who put up this away message because it is one of the ones that comes with the program.

I would like to see a renaissance of creativity in terms of away messages. And, since I seldom talk to anyone on it anyways, I might just have to stop using it and just get rid of the program altogether. I would be the true innovator then. (PS I know my away messages are stale at times too, but I am just trying to keep up with the Joneses....there was my golden era of away messages, when people used to tell me they logged on just to see what mine was....maybe i can make some up later)

That is all. If I don't get a minimum of three comments, I will not post next week.