Ravioli, Holy Cannoli

The other day I was flipping through the channels, and Anne Rice's "Interview with a Vampire" was on. It may have possibly been one of the worst interviews ever in the history of the world. And I think Anne Rice should suck it. So, without further ado, here is my (7% fictional) Interview with a Vampire:

Tim:So, blood, take it or leave it?

Vampire: We do like blood, but I also enjoy a good tuna sandwich now and then. People just think ooo, you must love blood, but you know what? Not really. It is tasty at times, but not exactly the best. It is like a normal person with Spam. You don't mind eating it once in a while, but you don't exactly crave it.


Tim:And, can you guys really turn into bats?

Vampire: Fuck no. I wish, although at the same time I don't wish. Bats aren't exactly the fearsome creatures that people think. They are blind as shit and have to rely on some sort of sonar type crap to fly around...and they don't fly fast either. One of my vampire cousins, and I think this was a genetic mutation, could actually turn into a hedgehog. But it wasn't really all that useful and always got his ass kicked.


Tim:So, who do you side with, Brad or Jen?

Vampire: That Jen Anniston is one fine piece of ase. I would not mind biting her neck and making her live forever. And I have no loyalty to Brad just because he played a vampire in that one movie, because he sucked and obviously did not research the role very well. I mean, what kind of no talent ass clown wears frilly shirts? Even if it is a period movie, vampires are generally well behind in the fashion times. I mean look at me, I only rock this leisure suit because, hey...I'm about to live forever, why buy new clothes?


Tim: Favorite curse word?
Vampire: (long pause, scratching chin) Bitchass. (chuckles) I don't know why, but it has a sonorous ring to it.


Tim: I don't think you are any more exciting then any other creepy ass pale guy wearing outdated clothing. In fact, I hate you. (gets up and leaves)

So, I finally got a role of film back that had pictures from May 5th of last year all the way through last week. Included was a picture of Brian and me right before Vegas when I was rocking the mustache. It was sweet. Incredibly creepy and now I know exactly why it drove people away from me. It was damn creepy and just as equally awesome.

The spring finally seems to be arriving around here. And I have some special tips for any albino people/people with rare skin disorders that get sunburn in normal light:

1)Make sure your special suit has no holes. Think how much your friends will mock you when you have that one spot of charred, black skin. Don't be a tard.

2)Make sure to make up some fun games that don't include running or balls, as these might cause you to puncture your suit (see #1)

3)Fuck it, don't even go outside...in fact stay away from the windows in your house too. That way you never even have to wear your suit and you can just sit inside and play video games and eat bacon. It;s not really my problem that you have a rare skin disorder, or my job to come up with tips for you.

That is all. Bow at my feet.