Ravioli, Holy Cannoli

The other day I was flipping through the channels, and Anne Rice's "Interview with a Vampire" was on. It may have possibly been one of the worst interviews ever in the history of the world. And I think Anne Rice should suck it. So, without further ado, here is my (7% fictional) Interview with a Vampire:

Tim:So, blood, take it or leave it?

Vampire: We do like blood, but I also enjoy a good tuna sandwich now and then. People just think ooo, you must love blood, but you know what? Not really. It is tasty at times, but not exactly the best. It is like a normal person with Spam. You don't mind eating it once in a while, but you don't exactly crave it.


Tim:And, can you guys really turn into bats?

Vampire: Fuck no. I wish, although at the same time I don't wish. Bats aren't exactly the fearsome creatures that people think. They are blind as shit and have to rely on some sort of sonar type crap to fly around...and they don't fly fast either. One of my vampire cousins, and I think this was a genetic mutation, could actually turn into a hedgehog. But it wasn't really all that useful and always got his ass kicked.


Tim:So, who do you side with, Brad or Jen?

Vampire: That Jen Anniston is one fine piece of ase. I would not mind biting her neck and making her live forever. And I have no loyalty to Brad just because he played a vampire in that one movie, because he sucked and obviously did not research the role very well. I mean, what kind of no talent ass clown wears frilly shirts? Even if it is a period movie, vampires are generally well behind in the fashion times. I mean look at me, I only rock this leisure suit because, hey...I'm about to live forever, why buy new clothes?


Tim: Favorite curse word?
Vampire: (long pause, scratching chin) Bitchass. (chuckles) I don't know why, but it has a sonorous ring to it.


Tim: I don't think you are any more exciting then any other creepy ass pale guy wearing outdated clothing. In fact, I hate you. (gets up and leaves)

So, I finally got a role of film back that had pictures from May 5th of last year all the way through last week. Included was a picture of Brian and me right before Vegas when I was rocking the mustache. It was sweet. Incredibly creepy and now I know exactly why it drove people away from me. It was damn creepy and just as equally awesome.

The spring finally seems to be arriving around here. And I have some special tips for any albino people/people with rare skin disorders that get sunburn in normal light:

1)Make sure your special suit has no holes. Think how much your friends will mock you when you have that one spot of charred, black skin. Don't be a tard.

2)Make sure to make up some fun games that don't include running or balls, as these might cause you to puncture your suit (see #1)

3)Fuck it, don't even go outside...in fact stay away from the windows in your house too. That way you never even have to wear your suit and you can just sit inside and play video games and eat bacon. It;s not really my problem that you have a rare skin disorder, or my job to come up with tips for you.

That is all. Bow at my feet.

Oops I forgot

I forgot to actually discuss what I did on my birthday. Haley (who remembered thank God), took me out to eat to a restaurant called The Clubhouse. Here, I ate the largest sandwich known to man (http://www.theclubhouse.com/Oakbrook/dinner.cfm... scroll way down on the left, it is the one called the Clubhouse Sandwich)....but I could actually only eat not even half and was mocked by the waitress for this...Haley had some pasta with vodka sauce and some crazy oatmeal cookie inspired martini...but it was very excellent and the place had a very swanky sort of feel to it. I definitely enjoyed it. And Haley evidently did not pull out her hair as much as she usually does on peoples birthdays (she knows I am a very simple man) and got me the Superman Boxed Set on DVD as well as Kicking and Screaming. It was good times. Thanks Haley for not making me get alcohol poisoning on my birthday!

"Would I rather be feared or loved? Um... Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."

For those of you who dislike humor, the above is another quote from the Office. I actually used it last week when I posted my blog on myspace because the quote I used on here wouldn't fit. You would think I am really up with the times, what with all this blogging and discussing something called "myspace", which coincedentally is actually not my space at all, but rather a website where they force me to login to my own predetermined space. I am glad, in the realm of actuality, I am not constantly having to login to inhabit my own space. That was deep, I think I just blew my own mind. Wow.

Well for those of you who forgot or missed it, last Monday, March, 20, was my birthday. Don't be upset or feel bad if you forgot it, it is no big deal. And if you did forget it, you might be asking, "Tim, why did you not remind me? Tim, I think I might have feelings of hatred for you, can you deal with that? Tim, ever hear of bathing?"....

1)It is awkward to tell someone it is your birthday. It is like fishing for a compliment, present, cake, burned CD, or cool pez dispenser. I imagine this might be how it feels if you are handicapped or something and you have to remind people so that you receive sympathy (and that would come about way more often than your birthday...like "Hey Ronnie, wanna play some kickball?" "Guys, I was born without legs"....so I have decided that all people of the world need to come together and devise some sort of system wherein a person whose birthday is that day (or who is handicapped) can pretty simply let everyone know without directly saying "HEY IT IS MY BIRTHDAY, TREAT ME LIKE THE ROYALTY I MIGHT BE AS MY LINEAGE HAS NEVER BEEN TRACED BACK THAT FAR!"...I am thinking when someone asks you, "How are you?" on the day of your birthday, you tilt you head slightly to the left, wink with your right eye and knowingly say, "Good."...it might work....as an aside...my good friend Brian and I actually spoke twice on my birthday and even though he had asked me the previous Saturday if my birthday was on Monday, he still forgot to say Happy Birthday...oh well...23 is not that huge of a milestone or anything.

2)I can deal with your feelings of hatred as long as they are well placed and enable to you to have some sort of special ability involving fire.

3)I actually do bathe at least once a day and prior to my hospital visit (when I missed a day) I had done so everyday since sometime in 7th grade. (Don't tell my sister Nora I missed a day, she marvels at this streak and I am like her personal Cal Ripken of personal hygiene). So, that smell is not me.

The second topic I would like to address today is away messages used in messaging programs such as AOL Instant Messenger, MSN Messenger, Yahoo Messenger or whatever the hell else you kids are using these days. I, like many others in the world, use AIM and have a compulsive disorder where I check away messages about 750 times a day. But, I just might have to stop after what I have been seeing lately. Really people, you are sucking away brain cells everytime I look at your tiny yellow note that indicates why you are away.

1)"I am away from my computer right now." Put a funny quote, inform me as to your actual activity or location, or put a link to something mildly funny/offensive. Just don't put this boring ass message up. I especially hate it when I am sitting at my computer, I see someone appear online, and then instantly this message goes up. Did you go online just to tell people you were away?

2)Showering away messages, such as "Naked with water", "All naked and wet and dripping, come join me!" or the myriad other stupid ones. So, when I said I do not want to see the away message in #1, I did not want full disclosure unless you are going to give it all the time, which would actually be pretty funny. "I'm in the shower" "I am going to bed, but first hoping E! has something I can get my jollies to" "I am looking at porn right now, don't bug me"...if you are going to tell me you are showering, tell me everything you are doing when not at the computer, then it will be funny. Also, it is primarily guys who put up these messages and especially the latter type with some dumb shit like, "Come join me!"...I know of zero girls who are sitting around checking away messages and get all turned on by the idea of a guy showering and decide to accept his invitation and join him for his naked wetness. Props to Sarah P. who has had the only showering away message I ever guffawed at, "Cleaning my birthday suit"...

3) "I am playing a computer game that takes up the entire screen"....no you're not...who the fuck even plays computer games in this day in age anymore? I am sure lots of people, but most of the time it is just people who put up this away message because it is one of the ones that comes with the program.

I would like to see a renaissance of creativity in terms of away messages. And, since I seldom talk to anyone on it anyways, I might just have to stop using it and just get rid of the program altogether. I would be the true innovator then. (PS I know my away messages are stale at times too, but I am just trying to keep up with the Joneses....there was my golden era of away messages, when people used to tell me they logged on just to see what mine was....maybe i can make some up later)

That is all. If I don't get a minimum of three comments, I will not post next week.

"Abraham Lincoln once said that 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North' and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace"

Ahhh....The Office. You must respect that show. Because you want to know why?

-It is funny.
-Dwight.
-Steve Carrell.
-Although a caricature, it offers many real office type shit

And of the funnier things about this show is the time my Dad was up here helping to move stuff in, and it was on and I asked him if he watched it, he replied "I prefer the British one." I never would have expected that sort of snooty reply from my father, the man who often has to feign being awake when watching television. And while it is true I have never seen the British version of the Office, I'll stick with the 'Merican one thanks.

For those of you familiar with the "rap" "artist" Sean Paul, I would like to encourage you to join in my legal battle encouragement. Mind you, I do not want to get into a legal battle, I merely want to encourage one by Disney versus the aforementiond Sean Paul. The reason being, and I for some reason did not realize this until I heard him say "banana" in a song, is that Sean Paul sounds nearly identical, both in form and function to the Rafiki character from the Lion King. The things he says make about as much sense and plus it would be hilarious to see this one play out in court. The voice of Rafiki, Michael Eisner, and Sean Paul all in one courtroom.

Rafiki: A hoop-de-anna, ripe banana
Sean Paul: DUN-DAY-AH. Ripe Banana. Annabella!
Michael Eisner: This is clearly a ploy by Mr.Paul to infringe on a character that we stole from stereotyping black people!
Sean Paul: Objection! JUST GIMME DA LIGHT!
Rafiki: (swings at Sean Paul with stick)
Judge Judy: I'm the boss applesauce! Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining!

As you can see it would be one funny ass trial.

Thinking back to the first blogoff, when Trevor and I debated nicknames, there are some even funnier actual names in the world of sports that I wanted to point out:

-Bum Ho Lee (baseball player representing Korea in WBC): I think I might move to Korea and help parents with the naming of their children when it comes to being represented in the anglofile world. For instance, a name like "Bum Ho", I might discourage. I also might discourage Korean people from getting drunk and discussing their dreams of being transgendered, but that is a whole different story for another day.

-Miroslav Satan- This is some hockey player guy (who unfortunately has his name pronounced SHA-tahn and also has unfortunately never played for the New Jersey Devils...imagine that headline Satan leads Devils to Victory...no shit) who has a really funny last name to see coming across the ESPN ticker. Satan, two goals, one assist, three added to purgatory.

This past weekend, one of our soon to be ex-housemate's friend's decided he was going to battle it up with: the washer, the wall, a door, and a wardrobe. (sidenote: trevor and I discussed having a blogoff about the following but ever since the last blogoff, I am slightly weary of how the appliances in the house would respond). First of all, who attacks inanimate objects? (Trevor also pointed out my losing battle versus a radiator one time when I was drunk) Secondly, why the washer? Now, for your pleasure and information, I will discuss the threatingness and friendliness of household appliances:

Washer- Although noisy, it never turns on by itself and generally provides only good to the user. It is not overly threatening, and a difficult apparatus on which to injure yourself.

Dryer- One of the more apathetic of household appliances. At times, it will do its job very well, and other slack off and end up taking forever. It is moody and slightly tempermental, so you should probably avoid fighting it.

Toaster Oven- Can cause burns on the body, burns on food, and can cause fires. If you were looking to beat up hardcore on an appliance, this would be a good one because you could totally manhandle it.

Hot Water Heater- Don't fuck around with ths behemoth. First of all, it does something that separates us from goddamn Little House on the Prairie days in that we no longer have to boil our water over a big fire. Secondly, it is huge and metal and involves heat. It is also scary as if daring you to fight it. No thank you.

Central Heater-Very threatening. No one quite understands how it works. And if you recall it nearly ate Kevin in Home Alone. This is like the Charles Manson of appliances.

Microwave- Tries to be inviting with functional buttons like: "Minute Plus", "Popcorn" and "Defrost", but fuck around with it and suddenly you'll have dangerous rays coming at you all the time as well as the wrath of a Hot Pocket that is bubbling over bu frozen in the middle.

Refrigerator- Inviting, warm light. If mistreated will vindictively freeze some of the liquids and solids near the back and cause things in the front to spoil. You better treat this gal right.

Also, although I am not on it yet, I thought of my first recurring SNL skit yesterday. It would be a short skit entitled "Frankenstein Tries to Fake Cry to earn Brownie Points with a Lady" Each week the announcer would fill us in as to what Frankenstein was trying to fake cry for that week such as, "Frankenstein this week will be fake crying due to the loss of a hamster from the girl he likes" Then we would see Frankenstein trying to act like he is crying to get some brownie points. The possibilities are endless. "This week Frankenstein has been asked to deliver the eulogy at Werewolf Man's funeral even though he didn't like him" or "This week Frankenstein tries to act moved by a song at the Dave Matthews concert even though he is stoned off his ass" But I don't want to divulge all of my secrets.

NCAA time. woo fucking hoo. Holla at me wit some comments.

Even I annoy myself at times

Alright foos I was able to do some ruminating and come up with some mild to non-humor to entertain your enraptured minds for the week, especially since some people who read this blog (Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, Warren and Jimmy Buffett, etc.) do not make any moves prior to the reading of this blog. Call it social responsibility, but I feel I have to come up with something, and this week I have come up with the literary equivalent of monkey spew.

I recently switched my alarm clock radio (which has survived since freshmen year of college despite many falls from the windowsill) from the prison raid style buzzer to the radio option. And, you now ask, what radio station did you set it to? Did you set it to some loud ass music station? Or a station where Gilbert Gottfried just makes shrill noises 24 hours a day? (which by the way, if this ever happens, it was all me) No, I instead opted for an easy listening station. It is great. I hear nothing but soft rock for all of the four times I end up hitting the snooze button every morning. I hear such great songs as "Have I told you lately (that I love you)", "Various titles by Matchbox 20", "John Mayer Gay-Fest '06" and other such titles. Frankly I cannot really remember them more than five minutes after I hear them because I am always sleeping or near sleep when they come on. But, it has been a great lifestyle choice.

The other day Logan and I went to hoop it up at DU and you would have thought it was international day or something. Half the gym was occupied with "soccer" (which claims to be a popular sport) and the other half were actual people playing cricket. Are you serious? Cricket and soccer were infringing on my b-ball time? It was...(prepare for offensive word that sets people off) gaytarded. Or to be politically correct homosexually-developed-mentally-disabled.

I just realized that I actually did successfully break my streak of getting stiches every year in 2005. I got them in 2003 (basketball collision), 2004 (jousting American Gladiator style) but not 2005. But now I got stiches in my nuts in '06, which makes up for several year without stiches.

Regarding my post yesterday, I don't understand how I have to end up paying a similar amount to those people who say, accidentally cut off their arms with chainsaws. That is why insurance is sort of stupid. And if anyone wants to give me money or hire me to work for them (part-time, after work and all I do is entertain you) I would gladly accept. Because the plan of new (used) car in '06 looks to be postponed until way later in the year. Which disappoints me.

I have been bugging the hell out of myself recently with my use of the word "phenomenal". I have no idea why I keep saying it, and saying it in regards to everything, when in fact, many things have no relation to phenomena. For example:

"How about that weather, Tim?"
"It's phenomenal"

"That dinner was good"
"It certainly was phenomenal"

And, I say it in some sort of annoying way as if I have been in a posse with Dick Vitale and my good friend Gilbert Gottfried for a while. So, if I am around you and say this word. Tell me to shove it. Seriously, shove it.

Well crap-a-roo

So today, an ever enjoyable $939.54 bill showed up from the hospital which is the portion of my little hospital visit that insurance evidently decided they did not wish to pay. But, I guess since the overall charges were around $16,000 I cannot complain about having to pay $939.54, except for the fact that it decimates my savings and whatnot. But there are worse things. And, as "they" "always" say about "money", "You can't take it with you, and you can't get in the champagne room without it either...it must have some use, fuck it let's go buy cheap liquor and get wasted."

Not much has been happening. I have been working. My mind has been fairly boring, leading me to nothing to write about in this weeks blog. All of you can suck it. Maybe I will think of something funny sometime soon. Maybe before I am even finished typing this sentence....nope. Didn't happen. I'll write something some other time, but when the muse isn't there, it just isn't there. It is probably busy hanging out with Isaiah Thomas and lending him "creative" ways as to how to build a basketball team.

It will cost at least 15,000 Thai Baht (384.71 dollars) For me to make a life out of blogging

Seriously, if anyone out there is running a mega-corporation and wants me to type up some funny ass shit week after week to boost employee morale (and deflate egos when necessary as well as excessively market Eggo Waffles), go ahead contact me. I can't promise much, just something weekly to keep the employees on their toes and to boggle corporate nanostructure and other such hierarchal prototypes. See, I am already familiar with the BS kind of language large corporations enjoy.

I would like to learn to play the game mah-jongg as was portrayed with boredom in such films as "The Joy Luck Club" and "Weekend at Bernie's II". Only I want to learn to play it with some authentic Asian people, mainly so I can begin wearing kimonos, and gossiping at a nail salon. It is my unalienable right, right? Who doesn't deserve to play some sort of weird tile game, drink some saki, and talk about how poorly Meng is doing in school and how husband #1 dislikes jasmine rice.

Ever since my emergency nut surgery, I have a glowing new outlook on life. Very few things can even get me the least bit flustered, because in every situation I just ask myself, "Is this worse then getting your nuts sliced open?" The answer, in all non-fatal situations, is almost always no. So, a deadline at work is rapidly approaching and you haven't done shit? No big deal. You don't have any food to eat for the next week? It's not worse then a three inch scar down the side of your balls when all you did was go to sleep at night. I think everyone should aspire to have something like this happen, because it really helps out with perspective.

I am very pumped up about the upcoming Chicago Cubs season and summer in general. I already grilled out one night last week even though it was rather cold and dark. I purchased tickets to two games in Chicago, and one in Milwaukee (I have seven tickets for the Milwaukee game and have thus far invited 3 people, so let me know if you might want to ride up July 7) and my uncle has invited me to two games, plus the game or two that Haley's Dad normally gives us tickets to...wow-ie. It's gonna be a fun summer.

Last week I got a phone call that falsely got my hopes up about finding a job in Advertising. They called me and seemed to really want to get a hold of me (as they left several messages) so I called back and setup an interview. Then I was talking to Trevor and told him about this what I thought was kickass opportunity only for Trevor to reveal to me that this company, although it had advertising in its name, was actually like a bottom feeder of the advertising world and that he had worked there for one day before finding out that the first year of "field work" involved door to door sales of Golf Course Packages and Applebee's Gift Cards on a commission basis. To DC Advertising Inc, I have this to say, "You are a bunch of dumbass idiots if you think men of wit and genius, such as myself and Trevor Giancarlo( a modern day version of Bill Shakespeare and Ben Johnson)will sell your crap door to door, then you though way wrong....strike that...it is beyond way wrong, it is unrealistic and unfathomable thinking. I should have the management of your corporation spayed and neutered before reproduction can take place. Thank you. PS, maybe your new corporate slogan can be, 'We sell crap and call ourselves advertisers, and those people who put up billboards are advertising facilitators too, oh wait nevermind we are all just a bunch of idiots (monkey noises)'"

On a totally related note, Manute Bol, a 7'6" former NBA star straight out of the Sudan was arrested this week on domestic abuse charges. I know it may sound insensitive, but nothing makes me laugh more than the idea of this man abusing someone. I mean, if domestic abuse were to ever be funny, would it not be in this instance? I think yes. I think yes indeed.

Well, Dominican spring break is coming up, and it is my first one since school ended. Haley and some of her posse are heading on an enviable 24 hour drive to AZ to visit her brother. As much as 24 hours in a car sounds like not fun (and I know what the contingency of my readers who live in their cars and are otherwise homeless are thinking, "Try 168 hours a week in a car you pansyass.") , I wish I could go. Because it will be warm and sunny and fun. Oh well. That's life.