Reggie Bush, for the ill-informed cave-dweller, was the Heisman Trophy winning running back on USC this year. He has some of the craziest moves I have ever seen and I could watch highlight packages of him all day. For some reason the other night in the championship game, his coach neglected to even have him in the game on a key 4th and 2 play in the 4th quarter. What a fucking retard. You’d think maybe the best offensive player in the country might be able to help you out? Fucking idiots. As Bill Simmons of ESPN.com said, “I think I finally figured out the criteria for being a college football coach…you have to have two arms, two legs, and a head.” (No offense to the amputee crowd, you guys are awesome and next time I see you, you can give me five ((again no offense, I just felt like mocking amputees some more)) or wave your nub at me).
New Year’s Eve was a fantastic evening, I have been told. Actually though, I remember at least 85% of everything that happened with a stunning clarity only seen in the most expensive of diamonds. The other 15% is stuff I probably do accurately remember but my mind does not allow me to believe because it is too funny/weird/bizarre/extraterrestrial/potentially homoerotic/feminine. Me and almost all of my friends (with the exception of losers, Christi and Bell (more on why they are losers in a second) convened at my friend Matt’s sister’s condo which was no more than a block away from Wrigley Field. The place was awesome. The drinking was phenomenal. The burritos that Haley, Darrell, and I partook in at 2:00 in the AM were the best burritos EVER. Although as Haley said to me, “They were only okay, but you and Darrell were so drunk that you would’ve thought it was the best food you had ever eaten.” Funny, because that’s how I remember it. Unfortunately I had to pay for my burrito as well as Haley’s as Matt lamed out on the bet that I had made with him earlier in the week. I had told him that for $20, plus the cost of a burrito, I would wear solely the New Year’s banner on the door to this burrito place. He kept making stuff up like, “Lisa doesn’t want you to take down the banner” “You’ll get arrested” and “Beware the lizard people!”. Whatever, I am sort of glad I did not do it since the line in the place was pretty damn long. I also shared a funny conversation with my friend Thad (the only personal trainer with an MBA in the world) in which I asked him to help me put on the weight and muscle to become an NFL Tight End (so I could play on the same team as my dog). Thad got all serious and stuff, it was funny. But I don’t think I really want to dedicate my life to putting on 50 pounds of muscle right now.
The movie “Casanova” is coming out (of the closet) right now and as my roommate’s name is Logan Casanova I told him he should come out (of the closet) with some sort of legal statement that they play at the end of the preview on TV as well as the actual film along the lines of, “Logan Casanova and the Casanova family do not approve of this film. Too many people will begin confusing Heath Ledger as Casanova with his cowboy loving Brokeback Mountain character and begin to think that the Casanova family also enjoys erotic encounters with cowboys, which we do not (except for crazy Uncle Eddie, please continue to go to him for all crazy erotic cowboy encounters)”.
Speaking of “Brokeback Mountain”, the upcoming movie where Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhal play cowboys who give in to their wildest urges while cowboy-ing, I am joining Larry David in his boycott of this film. He said, and I quote indirectly from what I remember reading, “If these two 100% man cowboys can give in to this stuff, what am I as ½ of ¼ of man going to do when I see it? I feel sorry for whomever I see the movie with.” So groups of males be warned, do not go see this movie together (especially if you have any fruity friends). Preferably go with at least eight women (this is how I go see all my movies anyways).
I forgot this tiny Christmas tidbit. My sisters and I all received disposable cameras in our stockings, which I presumed were to be used throughout the evening. I began, as people were opening their gifts, to say things like “That gift you just opened causes cancer!” Then I would rapidly snap their photo, and some of the faces were probably priceless. Or, “Santa died because of that gift!”…or “Your friends all hate you!”. I don’t remember the rest because I was combining exquisite painkillers and delicious alcohol. But I am sure others can remember some.
Here is another tidbit from the weekend at home that I forgot to mention. On Friday evening, my sister Nora and I were watching that new show “Deal or No Deal” and I thought it would be funny if the people in the audience would yell funny things at the contestant when they were looking for “deal or no deal responses”. We came up with some funny stuff we would yell, including:
-Possums choose what goes on the news!
-Raccoons choose what I wear!
-Stevie Wonder directed Jurassic Park 3!
I don’t remember the rest, but it was some funny stuff. Try it at home, or if you should ever be in the audience at a game show, YOU MUST yell it then.
Peace homies.
No comments:
Post a Comment