Blogoff II- Religion (Long, but a good read)

The subject of this blogoff is of rather epic proportion for the world of academia. I plan on theologically, irrationally, offensively, circumnavigationally, purportedly, otherbigwordedly tearing apart every major religion that the world has to offer. My less worthy adversary, Trevor “Oprah” (see earlier blogoff) Giancarlo, will then attempt to form sentences that make sense in any language and MAYBE argue with me about these religions. No holds barred. And, I hope you are offended/inclined to quit religion (unless you want to start a new one where you go to bars with me and buy me drinks) after reading this brilliant pursuit of higher theological thinking.
Roman Catholicism-
Motto “Don’t worry about what you did wrong, you can be absolved really fast”.

This is by far the religion with which I am the most familiar and therefore the easiest to make fun of. Catholics of the world, get real. You are in a cult. You go to strange looking buildings and chant things along with other people as well as singing things with them. You are led by a man wearing strange colored robes who may or may (yes I purposely omitting the not) seduce young children. Some other ridiculously funny things about Catholics:

-They believe that God created Earth in seven days. I know plenty of Catholics who couldn’t do far simpler tasks in a week. Of course you say, they do not claim to be God, but I think it’s in the bylaws of their religion that they are not allowed to say things like that.

-Transubstantiation (the changing of the bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ) is weird no matter how you slice it (pun intended). Some just say that it is the symbol of this change, but hardcore Catholics say it actually happens like some sort of Siegfried and Roy trick. You fucking cannibals.

-Your Bible is no more based in reality than are the Greek myths of history. Good stories, I will give you that, but to live life based on the Bible and the things it says? That’d be like me waking up early every morning to try and catch a ride in the Sun God’s chariot.

-The only good thing I like about this religion is Jesus. That is a man I would like to party with. And I think Jesus liked to throw down…liquor (the wine trick at the wedding), hookers (Mary Magdalene), his bros always with him (apostles).

Christianity-
Motto- “We’re Catholics without the carbs”

Christianity is in many ways, an even bigger joke than Catholicism. There are many different sects and they all seem to share a general love for saying they are different and having weird people go to their churches. I will discuss a few of the sects that I know some about.

Baptist-
Motto- “Party like it’s 1999! (with God)”

In movies, these are always black people who seem to have a really fun time at Church. In fact, being Baptist looks awesome, and I might even go to a fine black Baptist church, except I think you really have to believe. Baptist people also go to Church a couple of times a week and that is really lame.

Episcopalian-
Motto- “We might be aliens, because we sure as hell worship like them”

When I was little we knew someone of this persuasion and called them “Episcopal Aliens”. My older sister and I were also told the churches of these aliens had red doors. It did not help matters that the woman we knew of this faith spoke (and still speaks to this day) in a very loud voice. I thought this religion consisted of aliens who talked really loud. That is some horrible PR for you guys, whatever the hell you believe.

Pentecostal-
Motto- “We really are aliens…no seriously come visit our ‘Church’” One time my Grandma invited our family to her new church. It was Pentecostal. Everyone in my family agrees that was one of the weirdest experiences in our lives. People began speaking in tongues and falling to their knees and all that other crazy shit. Then us kids were intercepted and got to go hang out with other kids and Pastor Bob. We got some kickass hackysacks out of the experience, so I guess it wasn’t half shabby.

Unitarian-

Motto- “More Roller Derby Champions Than the other Faiths” One of Eileen’s friends was a

Unitarian (I think) and we got to go to someplace and go roller skating. Unitarians, ergo, love roller skating. Not bad for a religion I guess.

Mormon
Motto- “Many wives!” or “Keeping it really white” or “Go Utah Jazz!”

There are a few main things everyone knows about Mormons; they are polygamists, they love themselves some Utah; they like to wear short sleeved button downs; and to keep it anon their founder was named Joseph Smith. I have known a couple of Mormons in my life and these people were nice, almost to the point of being like, damn, if I become a Mormon will I get nicer? But there are some negatives to the Mormon faith:
-Forget the second “M” and you are nothing but another capitalized Moron
-You will hardly ever get to see anything besides Caucasians
-You will be starring for the University of Utah basketball team; at the age of 34, after your mission. This makes you horribly undesirable to play pro ball
-The founder of your religion wrote it down while putting his head in some sort of burlap sack where angels spoke to him. Mormons, get serious, it was a dimebag of cocaine.

On an episode of South Park one time, God revealed that only Mormons were the correct worshippers. So, maybe try it.

Judaism
Motto- “More chutzpah then Elijah”

Are you serious, what sort of religion is this? It is nothing more than a bunch of cynical people who think the “Messiah” has yet to come and sit around waiting. True, I have not met that many Jewish people, and that is why they have yet to know that I have arrived. Jewish people, I know what you are thinking, “What have you done for me lately Tim, any miracles or anything? How do we know you aren’t just another Jesus-type?”

Tim- Mother was Mary
Jesus- Mother was Mary

Tim- Born in a city where his parents went to be counted and pay taxes (I am sure there was a census at some point)
Jesus- Born in Bethlehem, his homedaddy’s town

Tim- Once stayed sober enough into the night to go buy a bunch more beer when it appeared it had run out
Jesus- The wine thing at the wedding

Tim-Miraculously does accounting related work with little or no knowledge of accounting
Jesus- Did some miracles or something

Tim- I invited a Jewish friend over for Christmas
Jesus- ???

So, my fair locked lox loving friends, whassup

Islam
Motto- “Allah u akhbar, Jihad, Allah we do not stand for the Star Spangled Banner or Eat Pork and basically we combined some other religions and all Mohammed heard were some crazy stories after hanging out at the hookah a little too long”

The Islamic people of the world just need a PR makeover. These people and their religion are really no more ridiculous that any of the other ones out there. People got so upset that the Koran may have promised some number of virgins for Jihad and could not believe a text would say something like that. Hey Catholics, you drink blood! Jews you’ve got the first fucking five in the Old Testament, and I’m sure there’s nothing made up in there! Christians, you are just plain weird!

Buddhism-
Motto- “We have a fat happy man that represents us everyone else has skinny people”

Buddhists, your founder was more than likely a Hindu and also the stories about him are ridiculously exaggerated. And plus it is stupid and boring to try and achieve all that boring ass bullshit that you guys talk about. How about a religion based on beating people up or something? Or lighting yourself on fire as a demonstration? Oh wait, you retards do that…no one cares…it is only one less boring ass religious zealot around.

Hinduism- Motto- “Rig Veda Bitches”
This is yet another confused religions where the early followers just kept making more shit up. As I have learned, it was primarily passed down as oral tradition for thousands of years. Just think if someone like Dr.Seuss got a hold of the stories and changed them. Come to think of it, he probably did as many of your deities have many arms and animal parts…I think Ganesha was actually the Lorax…retards

Scientology- Motto-
“We’ve got Tom Cruise!”…three months later “Uhhh…John Travolta?”

Your religion was invented by a god awful science fiction writer. Did anyone like Battlefield Earth? Oh yeah, that was the guy who made up Scientology. And you have an idiot midget like Tom Cruise keeping your name around. Congrats!

Cults-
Motto- “Charles Manson, Anthropomorphic Kool-Aid Pitchers and More”

All of these religions are cults, so why not just join an actual cult anyways? Just pick one out and hope that it catches on…next thing you know you will either be dead (and be wearing some really weird article of clothing while you do it, like a modified poncho with a built in umbrella) or part of the next hot religion. It could be just as hit or miss historically as all these other faiths.

TimothyC.Radwayism-
Motto- “Rock out with your cock out”

Just follow me around, write down everything I say and buy me liquor. This will fulfill your path to enlightenment. If I’m happy, my followers are happy. Boom. And we can draw on Trevor occasionally when he drinks too much.

Trevor, may I quote Colossians 8:12: “Trevor Giancarlo is a bitch with a brain the size of a colony of cockroaches, and about the functionality” Holla back , bia bia.

GIANCARLO RESPONSE TIME Tim after reading this tomfoolery I am going to be forced to strike you with the foce of the lightning bolts your pagan God and sexual fantasy Zeus does.

Catholicism-First off, cults never have and never will make up over 1/2 the world's population, so clearly this religion may have more substance than going to odd buildings and chanting. And more importantly this is the religion that the greatest breeds of the people follow...clearly this breed is the Italians...but Latinos follow it too but they are just darker Italians without the good looks, intelligence, sophistication, or genetalia girth.

Regarding the stories of the Bible, what's key here is not the actual wording, but the subtext of continuous lesson teching regarding moral and ethical behavior, and simpler of right vs. wrong. It's kind of like when you frequently search through your magazine erotica collection...you're supposed to do more than look at the pictures, there are words too that need analysis. There's no need to respond to the cannibal-esque commentary because that's just complete ignorance that choleric and brilliant minds such as myself just don't have time for.

But I agree with you on Jesus. That man could get the party starting, turning water into wine...and not the cheap shit box wine you put on your shoulder or Boones Farm, I'm talking bubbly baby. Plus, when you're incapable of consuming let's say about 5 40oz.'s he can just fix you right back up and have you eating burgers in less that 3 hours in no time. Mary Magdalene is like that annoying girl that you can't shake so it brings a sense of realism to everything thing b/c we all know a girl like that.

Christianity- "Catholic without the carbs"..clever, kudos to you. I don't really know much about these other sects but I know enough to wittily dehumanize you yet again.

"Baptist"-How can anyone negatively talk about a religion with black people juking and jiving all day long? I think little kids learn how to Harlem shake at church here. And regarding going a couple times, the clubs aren't open on Sunday mornings so there's no better time to "do the damn thang" But seriously, what is wrong with passionately showing faith in something you strongly believe in? I passionately believe in self-fornication and I show my faith about 18 times a day...(just kidding that would be impossible...only 12 times a day)

"Pentecostal"-Umm...speaking in tongues is cool, and you can actually make millions from making a movie off of it, look at the Exorcism of Emily Rose...point proven.

"Episcopalian"- I have no clue what this is but I do know you repeating something you saw on X-Files as a youth does not support concrete evidence about everything...and Agent Scully, why the hell do you think everybody is an alien??

"Unitarian"- What? Roller skating is for bitches, so a religion based upon something as bitch-like as roller skating deserves no commentary

"Mormon"- This religion is completely absurd I agree, but it provides more comedic relief than anything except Scientology. How can you discredit polygamy? The more women the better baby! Jay-Z might be mormon cuz these men are big pimpin...that may have been the lamest thing I've ever said, so my apologies. Short sleeved button downs are "in", and as fag .5 I know this, and Joseph Smith was the ..1 pick in the 1995 NBA draft. And Mormons are nice because they want to seduce you and marry you and make you their servant so more credit to them the more and more I think about it. And so what if they like to keep everything white...people, cocaine, their walls, there's nothing wrong with that. In residential Oak Park how often do you see non-caucasians? Getting heckled while taking a jog doesn't count either. They aren't opposed to other races, it's just a matter of their location prohibiting them for cultural diversity. On an episode of South Park they also had Mel Gibson throwing shit all over so you might be on to something there.... And as of today, I declare Keith Van Horn the new Mormon God, or leader, or whatever they claim the man formerly known as Mr. Smith to be.

Judaism-This religion angers me greatly, seriously. How can Jesus and his people originally be Jews and then discredit him as nothing more than another prophet? That's as absurd as other Italian, German & Irish people saying I'm not the best looking man on the planet, just another ordinary guy. They are cynical, intelligent, and stingy, which is not really a delightful triad of characteristics to have. And shave and stop trying to rap please, thanks. Here are some examples of what Jews waiting for "the one" is like: It's like Kyle waiting for a girl, it's just not gonna happen. It's like Victor waiting to not be a filthy fake Italian minority, it's just not gonna happen. It's like Louisville ever being competitive in the Big East I realize my writing might be far to intelligent for much of the feeble minds that read this, so basically I'm saying there is a parallel between what I wrote and the Jew's belief that there will be another savior.

Islam-Hookahs are the most prominent foundation for major religions. But Islam gets no credit. They take pieces from 78 other religions and try pass it off as their own. Pork is a solid source of protein so they are all missing out and getting the chiseled bodies they desire. And angry black men support this so I'm just not too keen of ABM's and thier enraged propaganda. And this is to Mahmuhd Abdul-Rauf...in college your name was Chris Jackson and you averaged over 36 a game...in the NBA you change your name and become a worthless twitching scrub. I blame Islam for this. And a Ludacris lyric came to mind upon reading this"Oink, oink, pig, pig, do away with the pork, the only thing I need is a steak knife and a fork"

Buddhism- I'm just not fond of the mid-east prominent religions so no credit to Buhhhism as well. How the fuck is rubbing a fat man's belly good luck? And why is he always sitting...get your lazy ass up. Go run around play soccer or ride elephants or somthing...oh wait they are too sacred nevermind. Anyhow what exactly did Buddha do? Mohammed went around teaching and preaching but I have no clue what Buddha did except having goofy statues made of his presence. Tim in complete junction with your Buddhism beliefs, well done.

Hinduism-anything based on oral tradition, except falacio, is no good and should be discredited immediately. I'm confused about what exactly this is as well because these last three religions just take things from eachother and make their own customs as they go along. Cows are good, slaughter and eat them all. And what's the deal with the extensive caligraphy they have on their arms? I remember seeing that at high school all the time and it was just bizarre.

Scientolgoy-Ahh yes, the pinacle of logical religions. Tom Cruise is the perfect spokesperson for this piece of shit, humiliating, and completely retarded "religion." He is fucking insane, which anyone who believes in this would have to be. Thank God South Park cleared this up for me...see early on in human existance, aliens came in and sucked out things from our souls and replaced them with the horrofic prophecies of the other religions, thus forcing us to become a brainwashed society ignorant to the real facts and pleasures of life. However, for only $295, e-meters can come clean your soul and "open your eyes" to the real world in front of you. However, you must pay $50 a month to keep a clear soul or else you are definitely going to fall victim to the propaganda plaguing mankind again. Ok seriously, what the fuck is going on here? How in the shit can anyone believe this...don't get me wrong Battlefield Earth was titilating and all, but what the fuck. I am extremely dissapointed that the man I know and love from Cocktail would advocate something as crazy as this. I bet Tom Cruise only had sex with Katie Holmes after he made her put on an alien costume and gave her a voice modulater to lower it and make her sound like a man...I know beastiality is a crime, but is alienality? Think about it...

Cults- These are always fun. Charles Manson is cool and I love kool-aid so I don't see what the problem is

TimothyC.Radwayism- Oh yes, the new cult of child on chinchilla sex and old basketball coach seduction, perfect. I do however like the motto of following you around and buying you liquor because I take great joy in watching you puke "mucus" aka...big bear, all over in the wee hours of the morning. And drawing on me is the best, I agree!

*On a serious note, the views and opinions expressed in this blog are not the views and opinions of the NBC corporation or of any of our sponsers (beer, crank, dildos, viagra etc.)*

I will keep this conclusion brief because I know Mrs. Radway's 8 paragraph intro turned many of you off. This is an exert from the "Radwayism Way",author Tim Radway,in stores now: Envy 1:1," You know at first glance it would appear I have everything going for me. I live in a lovely house with a lovely dog and have a full-time decently paying job. However, there is something just eating at me. I'm not sure why but I envy Trevor Giancarlo. His superior athletic ability is something I can deal with because I don't take pride in that. However, the fact that he routinely dismantles me in blog-offs is somewhat disheartening. I could have been at an Ivy-League school yet this non-job having, broke ass completely outsmarts and outwits me. I don't even want to discuss his good looks because it may come off slightly gay, but I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit he is the pinacle of man. DAMN you Trevor making me not even feel like a man...at least I now know what Tom Cruise must feel like." THE END