It's like playing a ukulele

Thoughts scribbled on 17 cocktail napkins for some reason in my pocket (and for stranger reasons I wrote on them)(and for even stranger reasons you believe that I actually a)had 17 napkins in my pocket and b)wrote on them))

So, today is December the 26th, in the 2006th year since that crazy Jesus character was supposedly born. All I know is, on his birthday, many people in the world, rather than get him anything, exchange gifts with one another, as well as receiving gifts from a certain "Santa Claus". This "Santa Claus" character was very good to me this year, in part due to the fact that when my youngest sister put out Santa's requisite "Milk and Cookies" (and cheese, since there was one of those "behold the power of cheese" commercials with Santa in it a few years back, and Nora really gets down with some cheese), I added a shot of whiskey and some lines of corn starch to give Santa the impression he was getting some fine nose candy to help him through his evening (out of kindness I also rolled a dollar bill for ease of use).

Santa took the whiskey and the corn starch, although surely sans cocaine like effect, was moved around.

Then the gift opening began. One after the other Santa got me some of the most ballin ass gifts that I had wanted. Among them:

-One of those new iPod shuffles
-A fancy grown ass man work coat (which makes me feel like either a classical pianist or a Matrix character...two strange dreams of any man)
-New running shoes
-A sweet ass tennis racket

So, if you want to know the trick, give Santa some fake weasel dust (or Aunt Nora, Big Bloke, Coca, frisky powder...don't worry I looked these all up....I am not that up on my cocaine terminology....besides I only like my blow in mountainous form...hahaha) and a shot of whiskey. (Or have a well defined not too gaudy list and generous awesome parents...one or the other)

This weeks subject was from a decree I made on Saturday evening while my family and I had the "joy" of dining with my 90-some odd old grandmother at her retirement home community. The phrase "it's like riding a bike" used to signify that something, once learned, is easily repeated even if a duration of time has passed is henceforth replaced by "it's like playing a ukulele". There is a back story behind this, but alas I do not feel like telling it.

In last year's just before New Year's blog, I suggested a couple of grandiose New Year's Eve speeches (they follow in italics, and they still could work for this year...or maybe I just crack me up)

A New Year's Eve toast should alienate at least three people you are with, or lead everyone you are with to believe they are a part of an elaborate Ashton Kutcher/Alan Funt hidden camera trick.

For example:"As we enter this new year, everyone raise your glass and drink if you don't have at least six STD's" (After everyone drinks (since no one wants to own up to this) randomly then say three people's names and something like "and BLAH, BLAH, and BLAH are liars" (then pause for laughter) then say, "No, I'm serious, those guys have been around more than the first merry go round" (pause for laughter again, then put in video you borrowed from the library about the perils of STD's and make everyone watch)
or

"To all of my friends and family who have used the restroom tonight...you just got PUNKD!!! And also, the drinks have all been non-alcoholic so (fill in blank), you can stop acting like that."

Wow, it is hard to believe I was just as funny one year ago...pause...NOT. In keeping with the rules of a fine New Year's Eve speech, here is a new one, which brilliantly combines a Candid Camera situation with the absolute mockery and "scarlet letterification" (booyah that is a good word) of three people.

"As we get ready to leave this one year behind us, and enter the new year, there are three special people who have already begun this transition as a new cohesive team unit (at this point you should produce a shoddily made fake tape with three people in it who resemble any three people you wish to shame, the three people should either be involved in some sort of lurid sexual situation or strange cult like situation....your call). As we watch this video, let us too remember to be more open next year and permitting or new chances and people in our lives. (The just crack up because you are drunk and hopefully a room full of people are standing with their mouths open while three scramble to stop the tape)...Salut"

So that might be quite a bit of work, but no one said entertaining was simple, aside from that Martha Stewart freak possibly. Good 2006 to you, and an even better 2007.