My friend Eric Proctor, while never having spoken to me directly about this, has several times mentioned that when he wakes up in the morning his goal and plan for the day is to "exist as a man". And right now you are probably thinking, well what the hell is he going to exist as that day...a guppy? an albino crocodile? a homeless transgendered individual who is from Houston (Aside: I have been noticing a great number of people in the Chicagoland area with cardboard signs stating that they need to return to Houston. So, either the people of Houston have a proclivity for purchasing one way tickets here and then lacking the funds to return, or the great people of Texas are sending their worst our way, which makes them not so great)? But as I have come to adopt "Manism" as part of my life philosohy (other than one time when I said my life philosophy was that of a "Liver" in an impromptu speech in speech class, obviously not thinking ahead and saying that my life philsophy was that of an internal organ....I really meant I just live...duh) I have come to realize it is much more than just being. Existing as a man has certain qualities that can make everyday more manly. And existing as a man is key.
HOW TO BE EXTREMELY INVOLVED IN MANLY EXISTENCE:
If you want to be 100% sure you are existing as a man, combine the following five ingredients.
1)Spicy Chicken Products
-If you are consuming some spicy chicken products, you are more than likely existing as a man. Women also consume these products, but not at such great rates as men, nor at such spicyness.
2)Beer
-If you are drinking beer with your spicy chicken products, you are deeply involved in existence as a man. While women can still combine these two, they are more than likely "cooler" than other women.
3)Football
-If combining the first two ingredients with football, we have now begun to define and shape existence as a man. These three together are very mantastic.
4)Other men to partake in the first three with you
-If you are with other men eating spicy chicken, drinking beer, and watching football, congrats you are existing as a man, but since some women can still do all of these, we must add our key 5th ingredient.
5)Have male anatomy
-If you are a woman with male anatomy, you also might be existing as a man. Sorry about that (Jamie Lee Curtis)
While the above 5 ingredients guarantee existence as a man, you do not need to have all of them everyday in order to exist as a man. But it is important to have a mindset as if you WERE partaking in at least the first three everyday. So while eating other foods, think back to that glorious spicy chicken product you consumed. While watching TV, remember a key football play. While sipping on that water, use visualization and taste memory to remember that glorious beer.
And please, if trying to replicate the five ingredients, substiture when necessary but never woman up the ingredients. You cannot eat quiche instead of spicy chicken products and still exist as a man. You cannot substitute a fine Merlot instead of beer. You cann watch a girly sport like diving or gymnastics. And you should not hang out with your grandmother's knitting circle.
If you are to make substitues, try and make them more manly to ensure you are still, in fact, existing as a man. No spicy chicken? Eat one of those giant turkey legs. Out of beer? Drink shots of whiskey. No football on? Watch some ultimate fighting. No men available to watch the game with? Find some of those "cooler" women who have some notions of manly existence.
The following are great men who were precursors to Manism:
-Chuck Norris
-Bill Brasky
-Ving Rhames
-Mr. T
-Patrick Swayze in "Roadhouse"
That is all. Thank you for your time.
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