I am going to skip the foreplay this week of an opening paragraph filled with the not so whimsical details of recent events of my mundane life and get right down to the quasi-humor that you come here to read. Well actually maybe you really enjoy my opening paragraphs and find the rest of the "blog" content to be trite and unimportant, filled with lackluster drivel and unfulfilled promises. (Unfulfilled promises? What am I even talking about? You'd think I was writing this for my admiring cult followers....but I am not ready to drink the juice on that notion yet) Oh well. You're here, you're queer, get used to it.
Deal breakers. Every person probably has an internal set of these that they apply to the opposite sex (or same sex if that's how they get down) whenever searching for some sort of amorous connection. If you don't know what a deal breaker is, I will save you the shame of having to ask your children/co-workers/friends/parole officer. According to urbandictionary.com:
deal breaker:
A deal breaker is ‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess.
Example:
The deal breaker was that she was married with kids and I don't condone adultery.
This example was just the one from the website, not necessarily one of mine. Even though it probably should be since I am an upstanding individual with morals and ethics and no desire to break up a happy home with the phenomenalness that is Tim. Thanks be to God.
Anywho, I came up with some of my deal breakers. And maybe you share some of them. In fact, I would love if everyone who read this would list of their own unique reasons to hate on someone.
1)Smoking
I do not smoke. I find it gross. Mildly offensive. And plus I have no desire to makeout with a tobacco leaf (that was an awkward phase of my life, driving down to the tobacco fields of eastern KY and practicing making out with tobacco leaves....I cannot bear to be reminded) not now, or later, or really ever. So get the patch, drop the cancer stick, and let me know...unless of course you also have...
2)Perpetual "spinach tooth"
This does not necessarily mean the girl always has literal spinach stuck in her teeth, but she always has some food that can get stuck in there, stuck in there. Poppy seeds, spinach, random chunks of meat...they always have one around. Rather than humiliate them publicly by giving them a roll of dental floss (Glide, for those hard to reach places) or telling them they have crap in their teeth, I will probably instead make up a tale about my family in Cameroon to let this girl down easy.
3)A not bad, but odd smell
There are certain members of society, like the homeless, sewer workers, sanitation engineers, drifters, and prostitutes who just smell bad most of the time. Then there are those people that do not smell bad, but those girls who think that their curry-cherry perfume smells great. If you make me want to eat Indian food when I am around you, no thanks. Get a normal perfume, even if thousands of other women wear it...at least you know it works.
4)Bench presses more than me
I am not the manliest of men, nor the strongest, but if a female is lifting a greater amount of weight then me, she must be either a)gigantic, b)on steroids, or c)Nick Mangold's little sister. This would both deflate my ego and gross me out. And plus she might not fit into my strict height restrictions of 5'3" to 5'10"..those will never change. Sorry short or tall women of the world....although I guess love could overcome this height issue...but I am really tall and tiny little women make me feel like Shrek or something...and then the tall ones make me feel less mantastic
5)Her favorite restaurant is Old Country Buffet
Really anyone who would name this as their favorite place to eat concerns me as a human. Especially if they reference this place as somewhere to get a "good ________"....no you are wrong you CANNOT get a good teak there. I need someone more sophisticated than this.
And then some that need no explanation:
-Is not a Russian mail order bride
-likes hockey
-Has a Jesus fish on her car
-Bathes in parsnips
-Enjoys Adam Sandler's first film
-Has political views on par with Jack Kemp
So I am sure that I have many more reasons that I quantify as real reasons to stop liking/not like/avoid like she has the plague but I cannot think of them now. List some of your own. I will wittily banter with you about them.
Good day, good sir.
No comments:
Post a Comment