I whooped Batman's Ass

No one has yet to call me on my plagiarism of Wesley Willis song lyrics as titles for my posts. Maybe because Wesley Willis was a talentless, schizophrenic, little-known musician who had a knack for pushing the demo button on a keyboard and making up charming songs such as "Cut the Mullet", "Suck a Cheetah's Dick", and "I Whooped Batman's Ass". What a loss it was when he died two years ago.

For this weeks post, I did not even need to be creative, as life has proved humorous enough. As I mentioned, me and a group of friends were returning home for the Spades tournament which is always a great time. I will now tell some stories and try and make them sound extree-funny.

When Haley, Brian, and I arrived on friday evening, Rev arrived shortly thereafter. Not long after that we began playing some Texas Hold 'Em poker. Then Rev (who has creepy potential far above anyother people I know) says that he has to go out to his car and get his shades, which a re of the silver mirrored variety. Then the rest of the night, we all had no clue where he was looking (indubidably at various crotches, cleavage, toes, etc.) and this would often make me began laughing while we were playing cards. This would lead to him talkimg smack, saying that he could read me like a book and me me beating him. I know hardly anything about card strategy, but I do know when I have good cards and this was the night.

Then we drank a bunch of beer and everyone else showed up (Jen, Joe, Matt, Lisa, Christi, Bell, Proctor, Amber). All in all it was a goodnight.

The next day we hung out, went over to Churchill Downs, and once there I decided it was time to start drinking. In retrospect, this was a bad idea. Of course hindsight is 20/20, All I had at the track were two Jack and Cokes as my weekend of being Jerry Seinfeld (every dollar I spent evened out, I could not seem to spend any money) continued. We stopped at the liquor store on the way home to purchase beverages for the evening. I bought a bottle of Jim Beam and a bottle of Jaeger that Brian and I intended to share. Also to demonstrate some polarity in the situation, I was buying 50 dollars worth of liquor, and Haley bought a six pack. Woo!!!! Then I consumed one beer at home before we left for the tournament.

Once at the tournament I was paired with Jim Trammell, probably the king of weird people. I think this was the point when my mind decided it was going to take a little vacation that evening and it was getting there by way of the Jim Beam Express (what a fucking corny line, I cannot believe I just wrote that...but words are words and there is no way I can delete them, especially after this long paranthetical phrase).

So, we played our first game and dominated. Then, as the Spades tourney typically can do, we did not play our second game until nearly an hour and half later. In that time I probably had three drinks (by the second they were half Jim/ half Coke) and Brian had made us each a couple of Super Jaeger Bombs. These were not shots he made us, they were drinks that we chugged.

Then we played again and we lost. I drank more.

Then we played again and we won.

Then I don't remember playing anymore, but I am told we played two more games. I do slightly remember playing cards and them moving all around, but I don't remember our opponents. *I do not really drink this much anymore, ever. I love having a few drinks and feeling warm and fuzzy, but not cold and desolate and incapable of thought*

It turns out in the second game we played Matt and Brian. Brian decided he wanted me to be drunker and made us some more of his Nuclear Jaeger Bombs (this is all hearsay). Then we lost on the 4th hand, because I evidently had bad cards.

Then I guess I passed out somewhere and began puking.

Then I made it to a bathroom and began puking.

Then Brian was consoling me while I was puking.

Then Brian and I were beating the hell out of each other, both landing several really hard blows to the face. (In Fact my right cheekbone is still sore to the touch, and it is Wednesday).

Brian and I did not remember the cause of the fight and basically had to be told this had happened. We formulated several ideas:

1)Brian, while patting me on the back while I puked, whispered things to me like, "You puking pansy ass....you little bitch" I then got mad and punched him.

2) Brian somehow slammed my head into the toilet and this is how I chipped my tooth, ergo causing me to punch him.

No one will ever really know what happened. Great. Once this portion of the brawl ended, I saw my chipped tooth (which may have happened earlier in the evening when my mother and girlfriend picked the lock on a bathroom to find me passed out on a toilet with my panys around my ankles and I fell off it and hit the ground...hard...as I said before this was not my finest hour) and raced upstairs, grabbed Brian and put him in a headlock and started ferociously beating his head all the while saying, "He chipped my tooth!"

Eventually we were separated and I was evidently blubbering and very near tears about my tooth, while drinking a cup of water. I even went on a long winded diatribe to my sister Kay saying things like, "I have to wake up and look in the mirror at this face everyday. Do you have any idea how much a tooth costs? I don't have dental insurance."

Then on the drive home I threw up that cup of water. I woke up the next morning, with a sore face and wearing all my clothes from the night before, including having my jacket zipped up and my shoes on. What an awesome night.

Also, there is this kid named Gabe who is crazy (he is the son of Jim, my weirdo card playing partner) These were some of his crazier antics:

He was scanning through the channels very rapidly and would have a starnge comment on each one, seemingly explaining why he had changed it (this is a fun one to try out at home)

"Too many Chinese people"
"Not enough men"
"Too much food"
"Lacking hot dogs"
"Fuzzy"
"Too many flowers"
"Not enough beans"
"Dogs....perfect"

Imagine each of these being said in rapid succession as he flipped through the channels. HI-larious.

He also turns out to be great at drawing. He would draw a picture of a man cutting off another man's head with a sword and approach Joe and say, "Do you like the picture I drew of us?" Very disturbed, but funny to think about afterwards.

Happy Turkey Day fools. Let me know if any new topics need to be discussed.