What is to be said about my daily goals in life when I aspire, through verbal chicanery, to get a co-worker to say that she "dropped her kids off at the pool" just because she actually has children who work at a pool? Is this what levels I must stoop in order to amuse myself?
Well $3 margarita night was as fun as ever, but at one point at home after that I was talking to Logan and I thought of something to say, said it, and then moments later was not sure if I had said it yet, so I said it again. Not exactly the craziest moment in the history of mankind, but it does offer a glimpse of my state of mind. I also thought I heard my dog, Wrigley giggle last night. It was just such a strange noise that I think it may have been laughing, and she was definitely mocking me...luckily then I called her a "mark-ass trick" in a sign-song voice and she happily ran over to me...silly dogs.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Maybe not being busy at work is not so bad
In an alternate universe, I could have spent the entire morning researching an obscure tax issue. Instead, I just spent 45 minutes trying to outbox a bowl of oatmeal, a muffin, and a sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich. (www.frusion.com). I could not defeat the morning time heart attack sandwich.
You'd think that being in the unique position of having received a weiner wakeup, I would not recount the story. Yet last night, I told it to about 10 people I had just met. The weiner wakeup occured during my sophomore year of college when, while in an advanced stage of drunkeness, I passed out in my room with the door open, lights on, music blaring...the whole nine yeards. My very good friends decided to imitate a Steve-O (of Jackass fame) DVD and to strip naked and jump around on the bed until I woke up and they decided to video tape it. So they succeeded in their mission, except one guy tripped when I was covering my face and punching with my other arm and would have struck my face with two certain objects that males posses had I not been covering it. It was a life defining experience. But not my life.
You'd think that being in the unique position of having received a weiner wakeup, I would not recount the story. Yet last night, I told it to about 10 people I had just met. The weiner wakeup occured during my sophomore year of college when, while in an advanced stage of drunkeness, I passed out in my room with the door open, lights on, music blaring...the whole nine yeards. My very good friends decided to imitate a Steve-O (of Jackass fame) DVD and to strip naked and jump around on the bed until I woke up and they decided to video tape it. So they succeeded in their mission, except one guy tripped when I was covering my face and punching with my other arm and would have struck my face with two certain objects that males posses had I not been covering it. It was a life defining experience. But not my life.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Whistle While You Work (but I like whistling, so can't we do it some other time?)
As my co-worker Paul and I had the a fight with the leaves of the mother-in-law's tongue that U had ripped off the plant downstairs, I imagined a scenario where my boss Dennis found us and instead of being angry joined the fight...but then again this would never happen in a real world situation as Dennis' favorite battling plant is a saguarro cactus.
On Friday night I was just hanging out and then I decided to go buy some frosty brews to enjoy. It ended up being a handle of Jim Beam and between me and my friend Trevor there was nothing left by the end of the night. The range of subject matter discussed that night is tough to imagine, but given our intoxication, is not really so hard. Here is a sample conversation:
Trevor: "Who is the person you would want to play most with in intramural basketball?"
Tim: I think Kim Jong-Il
Trevor: What? Are you joking?
Tim: No way the man made 14 holes-in-one the first time he ever played golf...he would be a man child on the b-ball court
That was the way the night went as I recalled bits and pieces the next day. And the burn mark on the back porch made me most clearly recall finding a box of snakes (the little tiny "firework" that grows out of nothing) and setting them on fire on the back porch as we watched in humored, drunken amazement. Ay yi yi.
On Friday night I was just hanging out and then I decided to go buy some frosty brews to enjoy. It ended up being a handle of Jim Beam and between me and my friend Trevor there was nothing left by the end of the night. The range of subject matter discussed that night is tough to imagine, but given our intoxication, is not really so hard. Here is a sample conversation:
Trevor: "Who is the person you would want to play most with in intramural basketball?"
Tim: I think Kim Jong-Il
Trevor: What? Are you joking?
Tim: No way the man made 14 holes-in-one the first time he ever played golf...he would be a man child on the b-ball court
That was the way the night went as I recalled bits and pieces the next day. And the burn mark on the back porch made me most clearly recall finding a box of snakes (the little tiny "firework" that grows out of nothing) and setting them on fire on the back porch as we watched in humored, drunken amazement. Ay yi yi.
Hooray Responsibility!
08/03/05
3:27 PM
I think that the best job that I could ever have would be the GM of a baseball team. It involves some business, communication, and a little bit of baseball. I was wondering how I would go about applying for one of these jobs. It seems to me like if I just showed up at the front door of some bad team, like Tampa Bay, they would just give me the job. And why shouldn’t they?
3:38 PM
The other day when I was driving on the interstate, I noticed a sign that said “Lanes Narrow. No Shoulder.” I got to thinking that this sign would be immensely more humorous if a question mark followed each of these statements. Here, let me demonstrate:
“Lanes Narrow? No Shoulder?”
If you threw in “Potholes?” after these two it would sound just like something at the beginning of some cosmetic surgery TV ad….but then again roads don’t really have low self-esteem about their appearances, as far as I know, but I have never stopped to ask.
3:40 PM
I want a poofy shirt, like from Seinfeld. I don’t even necessarily wish to ever wear it, but even people seeing it in my closet could make them think strange things about me. Always keep them on their toes.
3:59 PM
Does “blog” stand for bullshit log? Because they are stupid.
4:00 PM
The other day I was thinking about something and wondering about other peoples reactions to my crazy idea. What if my very cute beagle puppy Wrigley, was not, in fact, my puppy, but rather my daughter. When people approached me and expressed their feeling as to how cute my dog was, and I replied, “Actually she is my daughter, “ would they recoil in fear and the dog-human? Or would she still be cute? It would also be funnier if I had a dog’s head imposed on a woman’s body in a photo in my wallet to show the dog’s mother. Just a thought is all
3:27 PM
I think that the best job that I could ever have would be the GM of a baseball team. It involves some business, communication, and a little bit of baseball. I was wondering how I would go about applying for one of these jobs. It seems to me like if I just showed up at the front door of some bad team, like Tampa Bay, they would just give me the job. And why shouldn’t they?
3:38 PM
The other day when I was driving on the interstate, I noticed a sign that said “Lanes Narrow. No Shoulder.” I got to thinking that this sign would be immensely more humorous if a question mark followed each of these statements. Here, let me demonstrate:
“Lanes Narrow? No Shoulder?”
If you threw in “Potholes?” after these two it would sound just like something at the beginning of some cosmetic surgery TV ad….but then again roads don’t really have low self-esteem about their appearances, as far as I know, but I have never stopped to ask.
3:40 PM
I want a poofy shirt, like from Seinfeld. I don’t even necessarily wish to ever wear it, but even people seeing it in my closet could make them think strange things about me. Always keep them on their toes.
3:59 PM
Does “blog” stand for bullshit log? Because they are stupid.
4:00 PM
The other day I was thinking about something and wondering about other peoples reactions to my crazy idea. What if my very cute beagle puppy Wrigley, was not, in fact, my puppy, but rather my daughter. When people approached me and expressed their feeling as to how cute my dog was, and I replied, “Actually she is my daughter, “ would they recoil in fear and the dog-human? Or would she still be cute? It would also be funnier if I had a dog’s head imposed on a woman’s body in a photo in my wallet to show the dog’s mother. Just a thought is all
What do we have here?
The best commercial that is on right now has to be the Red Stripe commercial about asking for a drunkard person's keys. It explains that when someone is adamant about not giving up their keys, just ask for their pants, as no drunk person will ever refuse an offer of pants removal....
So the other day as I began shaving I thought, "Self, what would be better for Vegas than a cheesy early 80's mustache with Hulk Hogan handlebars?" So I did not shave that area, and although not much has grown in yet by the time August 31st rolls around it should be flippin sweet. And I got Brian and Bryce to do it too.
Jim Edmonds and Scott Rolen take it in their Pujols (but who cares, the Cubs won 3 0f 4)(and also, I am not judging, if that's how they get down then congrats)
I'm glad Anchorman quotes never caught on like Old School quotes, because by now people have sort of forgotten about Anchorman and I can say the quotes and people think I am being original and fresh. Or frightening like when I say "I am going to kick you in the ovary, a shot right to the babymaker", but whatever's clever.
Update on Blog's: still stupid. But if it gets me "discovered"...hell yeah.
So the other day as I began shaving I thought, "Self, what would be better for Vegas than a cheesy early 80's mustache with Hulk Hogan handlebars?" So I did not shave that area, and although not much has grown in yet by the time August 31st rolls around it should be flippin sweet. And I got Brian and Bryce to do it too.
Jim Edmonds and Scott Rolen take it in their Pujols (but who cares, the Cubs won 3 0f 4)(and also, I am not judging, if that's how they get down then congrats)
I'm glad Anchorman quotes never caught on like Old School quotes, because by now people have sort of forgotten about Anchorman and I can say the quotes and people think I am being original and fresh. Or frightening like when I say "I am going to kick you in the ovary, a shot right to the babymaker", but whatever's clever.
Update on Blog's: still stupid. But if it gets me "discovered"...hell yeah.
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