"You just said I live a squishy, soft, Nerf life"

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I spent a great deal of time at the airport last Friday. And I had the "honor" of watching people, and then making casual asinine observations about them and trying to use whatever ability it is that is used to let them know what I am thinking. (Also, yes, work has been a little slow. Who cares? Everyone is the beneficiary the way I see it.)

Here are some of the highlights of my airport waiting experience:

1)Woman, who generally looked bitchy, wearing a black sweatshirt with the simple scrawl on it reading "vegan.". Ok, thanks for letting me know about that you angry, meatless, poultryless woman. If I had should happen to run into some tofu oddly shaped into meat form (think McRib), I'll be sure to toss it your direction. And previously I had thought Vegans were friendly people. And also, I should have asked her where she got her sweatshirt so I could have gotten my "omnivore." sweatshirt. Did you ever notice how people react when they are told that someone is a vegetarian or vegan? Why don't those of us that readily enjoy eating some dead cow get such a reaction? Where is this land? Awww shit, it might be L.A.

2)A man sitting next to me pulled out his laptop, plunked on his glasses, and I was almost sure he was going to be reading something. Instead what does he do? Throws Waterboy in the DVD player and starts laughing away. Don't mistake me, I think Waterboy is a good movie, but I do not think I have ever watched it on purpose with the exception of the very first time I ever saw it. I just would never (first of all, never put on glasses to watch a movie) pull out Waterboy as my DVD of choice to pass time.

3)An old man sitting near me, during the seven hours of waiting, ate not one, but TWO double quarter pounder with cheese meals pre-flight. I said several prayer like incantations (curse words) and luckily this man was not seated anywhere near me in flight. Because I have noticed old people have no regard, or very little, for holding in any explosions of flatulence. And, like babies, it makes them coo and giggle a little bit, but more because it smells like death then due to the fact that they feel relieved.

4)Our gate was directly next to the "Fox Sports Zone". Normally, had I had further money then the meager amount on my person, I would have been there having fun and not at all concerned about time. Instead I sat at the gate. When I walked past the bar at 10:30 am, it was empty. When I walked past at noon, there was a full fledged euro dance party going on. It was pure lunacy. Unfortunately I did not wear my trendy club clothes (all velvet, all the time) to hang out at this bar in the airport. I am such an idiot.

In an earlier e-mail conversation with my friend Mike, he mentioned how his eight month pregnant boss had said some comment about how the doctor had told her to spread her legs, and he had (not so) wittily then thrown out, "Isn't that what got you in this mess in the first place?" So, without further ado, I bring you the Top 5 things to say to a very pregnant woman (if you want to get slapped, or should she be armed, shot)

5) "Maybe if you drink during pregnancy, the baby will actually have a chin, unlike you."

4) "While you're up, wanna grab me something to drink? And maybe move your fatass out of the way of the TV?"

3) "So do you think the baby will represent all of the 60 pounds you have put on? That would be a huge baby."

2) Print out the "babies are stupid" article here. Hand it to her.

http://www.physics.mcgill.ca/~arobic/funny/babies.html

1) "How many episodes of Maury do you think it will take to find the father?"

Thank you, thank you very much. By the way, I noticed my commenter has stopped commenting. Please come back.