Dear Ed

For this week's reading pleasure (and by pleasure I mean, you might not want to read this unless you are in some way mentally altered, whether by drug, drink, or eating a bunch of frozen hot dogs the past few minutes) I am writing a letter to a family "friend", Ed K, or E. Kithcart (for anonymity purposes) six months from now. Let me give you some Ed 411.

Ed is a man I have known my entire life by virtue of the fact that my Mom has been friends with Ed's wife since they were in grade school. These two women forged a strong bond in their youth by way of various underage illegal activities (drinking, driving, drinking and driving, petty theft, vargrancy, extortion...etc.) and remain friends to this day. Where Ed was found, or in what backwards society he was raised, I really have no answer.

The reason I wish to write Ed this letter, at an imagined six months in the future, is that he is one of the more loathsome people you might get stuck to having a conversation with at a party-ever.

At this past weekends Derby party, he asked me about my upcoming move to LA, then when bidding me farewell, threw out in his gravelly, hick voice "See ya Tim, watch our for them homos."

I heard of another conversation where someone was speaking of having done some sort of acting work in the Louisville area of Shelbyville, and all Ed had to add was, "Do you speak Mexican? Ain't nothin but Mexicans out there."

So this and many other reasons are the reasons for this letter (plus it will be balls out funny...and one other time when I was like 9 we went to their house for dinner, and he made stupid trick hamburgers that actually had cheese, onions, and mushrooms in the middle of them...I hate you for that Ed).


11-10-07

Dear Ed,

How have things been going? Things have been going okay for me out here in L.A., although I wish I would have heeded your warning about the homos out here...they are more numerous than all those goddamn beaners in Shelbyville (don't they know no one understands them???), and more than a couple of times, I have been heterosexually chatting to a lady only for her to try and introduce me to her "male friends". Don't worry, I knew they were homos and not just friendly men. Thanks for your warning again.

That's another thing about L.A., all these people going around speaking Mexican. What did George Washington talk? NOT MEXICAN!!!

Luckily as a hetero male, I have achieved some level of success out here (you might say with all these homos out here, I was guaranteed success...just like a new burrito stand would be in Shelbyville!) and hope to continue this line of success.

That being said, what do you think of Indians (dot or feather, I am open to discussion)?

I am glad to find a like minded individual with whom I can share this open rapport.

Tim

PS: What do you call a little Mexican?

A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay!


Well, hopefully that lends some idea of Ed to the world. My Uncle Chris actually declared that the winner of the May 26th UFC battle between Brian and I gets to beat up Ed next year. Even though, beyond beating up, I have dreams of a locked in a room together convo between Proctor and Ed....a man can dream.

WORD UP