Funny little story

The following story is of moderate humor. Not extreme humor. Not "I want to die now because nothing will ever be funny again after this" humor. Moderate humor.

Last night, Haley and I dined at The Signature Room, a ritzy, classy, snobby, yachting, Clarence Dewbury V, sort of place located on the 95th Floor of the John Hancock building. I had won employee of the quarter at work and that entitles the winner to $100 reimburseable to dinner, thus The Signature Room.

The experience was great except for one thing, our creepy waiter named Charles. Charles was a tall, skinny man with a creepy goatee and an even creepier voice. He spoke in a hushed, deep voice and said things like "How is everything? (wait for response) Awesome." (I have my suspicions, especially after reading the informative "How to Survive a Robot Attack" that this man was a robot). So Charles was creepy and I guess the service at this kind of fancy restaurant is superb(ly creepy) as well. They do things like put your napkin on your lap and whatnot. I would not know about this since I normally eat potato chips dipped in ketchup while laying in the bathtub at least seven meals a week (oh wait, no I don't I'm not slob ass like Jason Mulgrew).

Anyway, as we were dining I noticed whenever people left, Charles was helping them put their coats on. So, I told Haley "I do not want Charles to hel me put my coat on" Call me crazy, but I know how to put my own coat on. The gesture is lovely, say from a man to his wife, but from a creepy waiter to a 22 year old man, not as lovely.

So I formulated a couple plans in my mind:
1)Haley and I would stand and put our coats on at the same time, that way Charles would be obligated to help the lady.
2) Since the cost to me was still low for such a great meal, I would leave an even more generous tip than usual and hope that Charles would leave me alone.

I informed Haley of these plans, all the while she was rather enjoying my fear of a Charles-aided-coat-putting-on (by the way, that is a real word I just used). So, I had left the tip and I made sure Charles was out of sight, I gave Haley the go sign. Then two problems struck:

1)Haley, amused, slipped on her coat while still seated. I had to rapidly stand while glancing around nervously and tried to just throw my coat on. Charles appeared out of nowhere, as I felt my coat become very lightweight as Charles had taken a hold of it and was helping me put it on. This is when I learned of problem number 2.

2)Charles as he was helping me with my coat said, and I quote these words directly "Thank you so, so much. Your tip was very generous. I would not have rushed over here to help you with your coat if it hadn't been." (By the way, this place is crazy fancy and I am sure he must get bigger tips than the $32 I left on the $120 dollar bill, who will ever know)

So, I dug my own grave. Thanks Charles. I will never wear a coat again.