"What's your name?" "TIM! WOOOO!"

Before I lose you to boredom or mental fatigue, and before I begin a profanity laced, comedic tirade on the current affairs of my life, I wish to respond to a question I have been hearing more and more often as I tell people about my plans for the near future:

"Aren't you afraid you are going to fail?"

To this I say: If I continue my current life trajectory, am I not failing right now? Am I best utilizing the qualities and skills that I possess currently? No. Not even close. I am much more frightened (of cats sucking ou tmy breath while I sleep, scary movies, being trapped in a vat of maple syrup or some other equally viscous substance, being 85 and smelling of cat feces...etc.) of staying where I am and looking back at my life in 10-20 years and saying, "Ummm....what the hell have I been doing?" I am therefore looking at the future as being full of great opportunities...after all, as "they" (the liberal media) say about life, "no one makes it out alive." And another thing about this whole "failure" issue, I am a cocky bastard, so no, I really do not see this whole idea of not achieving some level of success as a possibility.

Alright. Bitchasses. I believe at certain times of hunger and lament, I would probably maim or murder for some Q-Doba chicken nachos....like, not right now, since I just ate lunch recently, but maybe later. Because they are the epitome of all things good in this world. Although it might be far wiser to pay $6 for them. The jury is still out on this one.

I have recently been reading another Dan Brown novel, Deception Point. He is one of the most overhyped authors around. People mistake his books for being good and well written when all it really seems to be is excitement and hype thinly veiled in mystery. Do most great novels include 100+ chapters? And even if they did, do corny hook lines need to be used to get you hyped up to continue reading? (But little did she know, it would be her last breath of air for the time being) It's literary crack is all. (Of course I have been trying to read it really quickly...crack is addictive, even the literary variety). I could write 650 one sentence blogs in a week and string you along through each one with lines of captivation....but after the rocket landed, few knew if life would ever be the same.

Last weekend a few of us men were sitting around on a lazy Saturday evening and began watching the film Coyote Ugly, but as this did not seem near manly enough for us, I thought we should imagine every character in the film being played by either Chuck Norris (He is this manly: "Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.") or by Patrick Swayze, but only the Patrick Swayze from the film Roadhouse. Once imagining this film, it turned into a classic. The two best scenes were:

A love scene (which with these two characters was actually them playing bloody knuckles and high fiving intermittently) where a cardboard cutout of Patrick Swayze was visibile (this director brilliantly using pop culture references, natch).

A scene where they were attending a wedding, and Patrick Swayze was on Chuck Norris' shoulders on the dance floor.

Is it an odd or inappropriate response to someone when they ask about future plans for an evening or weekend to say," Ummm....probably just be awesome." I don't think it is. That is why I say it a lot.

As the spring weather mushes along and tries to be consistenly warmer, the men of the world receive a new gift: women once again caring for their legs and wearing skirts in public. I mean this in the least creepy way possible, but after months and months of everyone of both sexes wearing jeans, it is nice to see women once again using their womanly legs to attract men. Sure, even us men with nice (chicken) legs can start wearing shorts, but, and while I am not 100% sure of this, women are not sitting around excited to see men's legs once again.

Well, I must get back to work, and by back to work I mean following the last two innings of this Cubs game that by some odd circumstances they will win, thus keeping my 162 win prediction for the regular season intact. Please leave some feedback, comments, or your favorite curse word. All is appreciated.