Happy April 12th to all. Actually, while not unhappy, April 12th leaves a whole lot to be desired. Here are my problems with it:
1)It is a Thursday. A Thursday at work in which I have nothing to do. I am thinking of making up some fake phone interview I have to do at home, you know, for the land line. When really I would go eat Combos and play video games for a couple hours.
2)Now playing the role of weather in Chicago, it is my distinct pleasure to give you.....CARRIE! 70's one week, snow yesterday! HOORAY!
3)While April 12 th is nearing that all important tax day of April 15th, I still have one Saturday morning that I have the distinct privilege of coming to work. (all this after my boss gave me the infamous "bagel and e-mail check speech" over a year ago. Evidently, for team solidarity ((what are we communists?)), even if I have no work, because others ARE busy, I need to come in, eat a bagel, and check my e-mail. Sounds easy? Well, I still have to wake up in the morning, which means no drinking 3,500 beers and eating Good n' Plenty at 4:30 in the morning while watching infomercials) I will be glad when that crap is done.
4)Google is celebrating April 12th with an alteration of their Google logo to commemerate a Russki going into space on this dat ein 1961 (Yuri Gagarin). Fuck you Google. Alter your logo to celebrate Chuck Norris being alive that day instead (by covering it in whiskey, hot sauce, and blood while being scissor kicked).
On Saturday, May 26, 2007, Brian Munoz and I will for some odd reason be having a UFC fight in my backyard. I think I may have suggested this at some point and thought Brian was serious in his agreement, which he soon came to be. So, this will actually happen on that date. I think. There have been some dreams lately which worry me, what with the impending fight and all, as well as my propensity for hospital visits year after year.
In one recurring dream, I have a deep cut through my right eyebrow. This dream I have had no less then 8 times. Just the way I like my subconscious mind to work before I battle my friend.
In another dream that has popped up a couple times, I have a Looney Tune-esque bruise on my forehead. It looks as if an Acme anvil has been dropped on my face, and a giant lump, or as some might call it, a "horn" has formed in its place.
So Brian, watch the face. It's my moneymaker. Break some ribs or something.
Another issue with this fight is that I am more about my image as a fighter then actually having any clue as to how to pummel someone into some sort of submission. But, my created image is pretty fuckin sweet.
Here is a brief summary of me, as a UFC fighter:
Name: Tim "The Walking Myth" Radway
Pre-Fight Prep: Instead of punching someone's hands in a room pre-fight, my training room will be filled with smoke.
Entrance Song: "Bring Your Whole Crew" by DMX (quick lyric sample: "I got blood on my hands and there's no remorse I got blood on my dick cuz I fucked a corpse I'm a nasty nigga when u pass me nigga look me in my eyes Tell me to my fuckin face that u ready to die ") a simply frightening song. I only hope I can refrain from smiling pre-fight.
I will also bring a body bag with me to the ring. That's pretty much all I've got. Assuming one of these can somehow be acquired by a member of the general public.
In this spot previously I have used my special ability to degrade things, as well as watch TV, to tear apart several advertisements that I thought were really stupid and not worthy of viewing. Well, advertising world, stop shaking in your proverbial boots (I always wanted to say proverbial boots....they aren't really proverbial at all), I will now kindly laud a couple of the spots I have seen recently, and really enjoy.
1) Geico Caveman Ads: Brilliant....I really enjoy these ads and have been trying to convince people ever since their inception that we need to dress up as these Cavemen for Halloween, or some other occasion, like a Tuesday night out on the town. (Sorry Geico, I switched away from your insurance.)
2) Hot Pockets Chinese Man Ads: I have only seen a couple of these, but the one that really sticks with me, I will now describe with the writing skills of a 7 year old: A teenage boy and a girl are on a couch in a basement "making out" (not star wars making out ((my sister Nora described this as "Hands going boldly where no hands have gone before))) when suddenly this Asian dude (an old Asian dude with a sweet ass Fu Manchu) pops up from behind the couch and says "You not hungry for girl, you hungry for Hot Pocket". Cut to boy on couch, he is now eating a hot pocket, while the girl sits disgustedly, thinking of becoming a lesbian.
Creepy Story from Sports World About Athlete I Used to Hold in High Regard (and still do pretty much, but after the story I have to act like I hold him in less high regard, even though I don't):
I will not include the entire article, just the creepy excerpt from it. May I also note that the passage was mentioned in such a blase fashion, as if it was not totally weird.
"Maddux? For a guy with a CPA's demeanor, he has a sense of humor that a 12-year-old would envy. Maddux is a master of strategically timed nose picking, sidling up to an unsuspecting rookie in the shower and urinating on the kid's leg, and inventing just the right nickname for a teammate with big ears, a prominent schnozz or some other pronounced physical qualities. "
Yes, Greg Maddux pees on people, evidently as some sort of hazing to the youngsters. He also might have a desire to get punched. Greg Maddux or no, I do not want anyone peeing on my leg.
Someone has recently been leaving comments on my blog. First of all, thank you. I love reading comments and actual feedback about what I have written, rather then just imagining my own feedback. But, allow me to post the most recent comment:
"I hope you keep this blog when you get famous. It is the highlight of my week if that tells you anything! Keep on being awesome and inform us of the jewish religion so we can use that to get out of work! "
Several comments from me:
-I hope I keep this blog when I get famous too. That would be sweet of me, like an old grandmother who still makes cookies for her grandkids even though she is a certain "Mrs.Field".
-I am so glad I could be the highlight of someone's week. The highlight of my week is usually when I keep myself upright after a near slip and fall. Well, I guess that is more like "18 highlights", but who's counting?
-Alright, as far as informing you of the Jewish religion....how do I say this....I'm not really what you would consider Jewish, more of a "raised Roman Catholic agnostic person". Any information I give to you so that you might get off work, based on Judaism, will have to be found on Wikipedia or invented in my head. So, here's this one...ummm...say next Thursday is the Jewish holiday celebrating...ummm....the dinosaurs. And you have to fast or something.
But in all reality, all comments are inappropriately loved, to the point of restraining order.
My friend Melissa has recently started doing the "Atkins Diet" in an effort to drive herself crazy and protest against bread or something. I have always thought the Atkins diet was one of the more ridiculous ones out there, and logically I have my reasons:
1)I love bread. I once had a civil ceremony wedding myself to a warm whole wheat loaf. I got a big insurance policy on it, and subsequently ate it. The fraud charges are still being litigated.
2)Even a majority of fruits and vegetables, due to their crab content, are eliminated in this diet. That makes a whole lot of sense. Instead of these on the side, you can eat chicken with a side of steak, or steak with a side of chicken. Either way, si delicioso!
3) I know there are lots of unnecessary carbs out there, like when I eat a giant pixie stick for dinner, but carbs are also the building block of energy. So, aren't you always going to be tired?
4)With all the extra protein in the diet, women usually end up with bigger arms then me. I do not like that.
5) It is far too easy to taunt someone on this diet by doing things like stopping by their desk at work chewing on a crusty French baguette, ever so casually.
6)Dr.Atkins was actually a cartoonist his entire life before a legal battle against the Wonderbread company (he thought their logo was infringing on a character he had drawn) made him stop eating bread, and he then lost a lot of weight. What he fails to mention is that he became a double amputee at the time (an iguana farm accident) and well, legs weigh a lot....
I feel like I have been a tad verbose. Oh well. Read and enjoy. And leave some comments. Really. I need feedback or else I can keep writing things that offend you (unknowingly). I'd much rather KNOW I was writing offensive things.
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