THE BLOGOFF

TIM'S OPENER:

First of all Trevor, you are a gentle(wo)man and a scholar. I am elated that we are having this discussion of academia. Although you seem to be rather miffed at the subject of the Top Three nicknames of all time, I am sure you know many more than you can think of. But I guess I will simply have to educate your bitch ass.

The truest test of a nickname, in my esteemed opinion, is that you do not even know the person's real name. If all you've got is a nickname...that's like whoa. This is very rare in nicknames, though, and I only do not know the real name of my ....1 nickname. Just to set the precedent on good and bad nicknames, here are some bad nicknames:
Trevor "Good at Basketball and Life" Giancarlo
Benjamin "Skinny" Franklin
Roger "The Rocket" Clemens (this one is bad because he sucks)

Now on to my explanation of the top 3 nicknames I either know or have heard in my life time as well as a brief reasoning as to why it is is an awesome nickname.

#3 "The Splendid Splinter" Ted Williams- First of all, whomever coined this nickname is brilliant. Referring to something as shitty to have in your hand as a splinter as "splendid". Wow. Of course it had something to do with William's batting prowess and not some marvelous chuck of wood stuck in his hand, but still...and plus "The Splendid Splinter" is now cryogenically frozen...how's that for name preservation?

#2 "Sleepy" Floyd, NBA Baller- Alright, so I lied as I also do not know Sleepy Floyd's real name...but damn if a nickname could never be more correct...this man looked like the King of Narcoleptic people and still managed to play competitive basketball in the NBA (although some may argue this). He led to a whole new generation of sleepy players...Tracy McGrady, Terry Pendleton...and a myriad of others.

#1 "80's" Maybe I am more partial to the brilliance of this nickname because I made it up, but I have no idea what this man's name is, nor do I believe does anyone else who called him 80's. Here is the story: This summer, every Tuesday evening a large contigent of manfolk would get together and play some Chicago style 16 inch softball (T-Bags, I believe you even brought your tiny, delicate handed bitchass out one time). Anyways, the first week we are there a man with long mullet-like hair, wearing denim shorts and a 1985 Chicago Bears Super Bowl championship shirt, seemingly wanders out of the woods at this park while smoking a cigarette. (Of course he really didn't wander out of the woods, someone brought him with, but it did not stop me from making up this story)...I quickly said..."That one guy went into a coma in the woods after the 1985 Super Bowl and just woke up, wandered out and wants to play softball...creepy ass man." At that point the nickname was born, and everyone called him "80's" week after week. Sheer brilliance.

Trevor, I implore you to tear down my nicknames and present three of your own...then it's on...punk ass.


TREVOR'S FIRST REPLY:

Well my previous brilliant literature was just a warm-up for now that way everyone can really see how much of an intellect I truly am.

First, the first 3 nicknames are wonderful, especially mine. I like the Rocket b/c it makes me think of a pocket rocket, which would be a vibrator for those sexually immature and thus Roger "the vibrator" Clemens is quite comedical to me.

Now, the "splendid splinter" has some faults to it. First, splinters are just no fun and thus the pun of calling it splendid upsets me. Secondly, name preservation should be achieved from success, not from psychopathic children freezing you Walt Disney style. Third, Ted Williams was lefthanded and left handed people are rejects of society who were not taught how to write properly as a youth in school.

Sleepy Floyd just uspets me in so many aspects. First, a career cast off with a 6ppg avg. should get no nickname. Second, sleepy just helps perpetuate the stereotype that blacks are lazy. Why not call him kool-aid floyd of kentucky fried floyd, which not only adds racism but also alliteration. Third, the fact that Tmac is even mentioned by you with Eric perturbs me. Tmac is high as a kite and Yao Ming is chinese...that is why they look sleepy.

80'S? This is absurd. I like some of the logic behind it like Da Bears but to name one single being after the greatest decade known to mankind just is not right and is too much pressure for anyone to handle. And any nickname derived by a feeble mind such as yourself just is not fitting enough to serve a long term purpose.

Here is a list of 3 real nicknames:
1) Tim "the lettuce menace" Radway-for obvious reasons
2) Tim "Rock" Raines-crack is awesome
3) And in honor of sleepy floyd, i have the best cast-off nickname...Jud "the stud" Buchler-obvious reasons(hes a good looking man)

Sorry to embarass you and ur nicknames here but its how I roll, and is why I soon will be a professional blogger.

TIM'S COMEBACK (WITH A VENGEANCE):

Trevor, the first three nicknames were complete and utter jokes. You would need to be good at either basketball or life for your nickname to work. Benjamin Franklin once wrote a piece of literature with a name similar to: "My Dialogue with my Gout". And now that you have explained Roger Clemen's nickname to me a little further, I must admit, it knows elicits a small giggle from me whenever I think of it.

Trevor, as you can see in my opening arguments I already said that splinter's sucked and that is why this nickname was so witty to call something like a piece of wodd stuck in your hand "splendid". Left handed people, in reality, control society and will end up dominating it ( I say this without bias even though I am left handed)...the real reason they were not taught (read:forced) in school to be right handed is that these pithy teachers feared these southpaw's abilities.

Sleepy Floyd always looked like he had been awakened by a fire alarm at 4:30 am when he had gone to bed at 2am. Although he may not have had the play to merit a nickname, his nickname could not have possibly fit him any better. If Tracy McGrady is in fact high all the time and not just another sleepy man he should get an appropos nickname like "Ganja" Mc Grady, or "Dimebag". (As a side note how much of a bad foresight could it be on the part of the Houston Rocket's GM to have two stars on his team who each have their eyes open only 6%...seriously).

Was the 80's the greatest decade of all time? Maybe if you are referring to the 1880's (http://kclibrary.nhmccd.edu/19thcentury1880.htm). The 1980's were prone to producing the great youth of today, but in terms of people like "80's" himself, it was a decade that was known for producing such miscreants.

Now, to poke holes in your nicknames:
1)Tim "The Lettuce Menace" Radway- I have never and will never be called this nickname. If you are referring to my supposedly freakish eating habits, they are all in your head. To recount a brief story of Trevor acting like a woman:

Last Thursday at Fuego Loco when we were consuming margaritas (and had just each eaten half of a frozen pizza) we had a basket of chips in front of us. Trevor was continually eating the chips and saying things like, "Would you eat the chips, you are making me feel like such a pig." To that I have to say simply, Trevor you are a woman and maybe a new nickname is in order: Trevor "Oprah" Giancarlo

2)Tim "Rock" Raines....no matter how much I am supposed to argue with this one I simply cannot. It was a phenomenal nickname from a different era and no one could ever get away with such a nickname nowadays. Imagine if they started giving the late Len Bias a nickname like Len "The Line" Bias. Simply brilliant. It should be noted that Tim Raines has lupus. I am not sure why it needed to be noted, but it was necessary.

3)Jed Buchler (#30 in photo to the right...note how no one even wants to stand hear him) never had a nickname nor was he the least bit pleasing to look at. He had grainy, weird hair and a very square jaw. He was not a stud at any point in his life except for maybe now that he toils at some company just so he can be on their corporate basketball team (and the eighth man off the bench).

Suck it.

GIANCARLO STRIKES AGAIN
1)Lettuce Menace Radway-I was in fact referring to your repeated rubbing and erotically seducing my eye lids with lettuce particles at El Burrito. Tu es muy grande puta con muy pito piqito y chingate tu pudillo. Oh yes I'm well cultured. And regarding your weak and shameless attack on my chip consumption at Fuego Loco, let me reply by saying one thing...I was drunk and feeling guilty b/c I had no intentions of paying and yet was eating it all. Its a clear case of my morals and concern for others bringing me down.

2) Rock Raines- the man, the myth, the legend...theres not more to say about it. I also thoroughly enjoy Len "the Line" Bias, kudos to you on that.

3) Jud "the stud" Buechler-this is complete and utter brilliance on my behalf. His excellent markmanship from the 3pt line was only matched by his unrelenting sex appeal. His hair was not grainy, in fact it was beautifully combed over like a child's hair before 3rd grade photo day. Not only that, he was a 2 sport star so if that doesn't add to his sex appeal, you are just being ignorant.

Now regarding this Trevor "Oprah" Giancarlo...this is an attack that will only be countered by saying one thing...at least I'm MAN enough to fight of an ailment and go drinking! I'm feelin loco baby.

Since clearly I'm the creative genius behind this operation, I will think of 3 more nicknames for you to admire.

1) "Never Nervous" Pervis Ellison- Ok there is so much wrong with this man and more importantly his institution. I know this is touchy to you and Milt Wagner and DeJuan Wheat, so I'll let you talk good about this 7ft waste of space before I tear him and "the L" down

2) Raffy "Limp Dick" Palmerio- I figure a fellow viagra man such as yourself could appreciate this name.

3) Earvin "Magic" Johnson-this is one nickname that always perturbed me to an unfathomable extent. The only Magic he has is how he faked everyone into having the HIV b/c clearly he should be a victim of AIDS by now.

TMac is too good for a dimebag so I'll call him Tracy "fat sack" McGrady, this way there can be double meaning because I in fact am also referring to the circumference of his scrotum.

GIANCARLO-2 lettuce menace-0

AND IT'S ON! Tim's Second Reply:

If I had better initially understood the lineage of the "Lettuce Menace" nickname, I might have enjoyed it more, Oprah. It is in fact a pretty funny nickname although it is in fact not a nickname at all, with the fact that NO ONE CALLS ME THAT. And as far as your Spanish jibberish, I get none of that and all it means to me is that you said, "Could I have a plunger, I seem to have clogged your toilet."

Jed Buchler is straight up fugly. As a man that can respect good looks, I would not be abashed to saying if he was dead sexy. The sexiest member of that Bulls squad was in fact none other than Toni "I am a dirty European and spell my name like a female R&B singer" Kukoc, who at age 86 is still plugging away in the NBA as well as avoiding showers.

Pervis Ellison, at the age of 18, when leading UofL to the national title, was in fact, at no times nervous. This was measured on one of those machines where you put in a quarter and put your thumb on the thingy. His lucky numbers were 7, 14, 26, and 9. It was not until his crap ass NBA career that Pervis became skittish and seemingly caused him to eat multiple buffet lines and rumor has it, have sex with men. However, while at the highly esteemed University of "How many championships has Illinois won in the last 25 years" Louisville, he was a P-I-M-P.

Trevor, you should know as well as anyone that I stopped using Viagra after you called me that one time when you were scared because you had taken it and had gotten a huge erection that would not go away when watching ESPN classic footage of ugly ass Jud Buchler. You know you were scared for a couple reasons...first of all, that you would be turned on by a man, and secondly that this man was Jud Buchler. Rafael Palmeiro is a dumbass with evidently some erectile problems. But the nickname fits.

Magic Johnson's nickname gets to stay...is it not in fact rather "magical" that he has yet to get AIDS? Or is it just a giant trick to everyone else in the world who thinks, "I can hump around like an NBA player and not worry about dying! My main risk is friends being scared of playing basketball with me ans Isiah Thomas giving me a kiss!"

As for T-Mac a more appropriate nickname would have to be Tracy "Mary Jane" Mc Grady...then he sounds like an Irish Catholic School girl.

I can't lose with 22's bitch, that's what's up.

Also, your friend Lance who goes by the nickname "Falo" is a victim of a couple things:
1)A serious burrito induced shanking
2)A nickname made to sound ladylike and gay due to J-Lo. It's worth mentioning.

Lettuce Menace-3 Oprah-0

GIANCARLO REBUTTLE & UNDISPUTED BLOG VICTORY

Lettuce Menace=Punk Bitch The "real T-mac"=PIMP

I just had to clear that up for all that are retarded and may be confused about our social rankings.

Pervis Ellison was always nervous out of fear his anal tongue massaging fetish would come out to the public. Regarding his basketball skills, he was a black Bill Wennington, shooting nothing but 15 footers shying away from any sort of contact that was not sexual.

Regarding Jud Buechler' sex appeal, Toni KuCOCK was an excellent specimen of man as well, but he just didn't have that "it" factor like Jud the stud. Plus, broken english just can't cut it in our modern society. Jud is like GI Joe, because he's a real american hero, saving Michael Jordan in the clutch time of 4th quarters.

I like your'e argument regarding Magic, him and Isaih making out at half-court every game was rather disturbing. I really have no comment regarding Magic, kudos to you sir.

Tracy "Mary Jane" McGrady just does not cut it. We all know black people cannot afford to go to prive Catholic Schools. JUST KIDDING. It's gotta be Tracy "Chronic" McGrady cuz he be on that kryptonite, he be on that shit tonight.

Regarding Falo...his shanking was a neccessity and I stand by my actions. I warned him numerous time but his ignorance was just outshining any logic he had. Regarding his nickname, there is a story behind that which would be very mean if I said why so I shall not, but I will say if has to do with him, Marc Antony, Ben Afflek, a bottle of tequilla, and Gigli on DVD...lets just say it gets a little crazy in a pure homosexual way.

This nickname battle has been an encaptivating experience but clearly I am the undisputed victor and your lack of competiting is actually quite apalling. Maybe next time we can discuss NBA scrubs from the L like Francisco Garcia and compare his success to greats like Deron Williams and Luther Head...U OF I BITCHES! ONE

TIM HERE:
Please let Trevor and me know what you thought of our first blogoff. Including: who do you think won? any commentary on our commentary? any ideas for new topics? should we do this again? what is that smell? do you ever shower? are you free tonight? do you believe in magic?