Bob Loblaw is the new lawyer for the Bluth family. The name has me quite literally considering a name change. Go ahead and say the name and you will understand. "Uproarious, brilliant, shiny, peanut buttery good humor" raves the New York Post. (TCR)"
I don't think rappers have taken things quite far enough with their exorbitant lifestyles and song lyrics until I have heard the lines:
You can take a poop/
In my Bentley coupe
The other night I was drinking and walking around outdoors for matters of blocks in only my socks. Luckily I found my shoes at home the next morning.
The other day the woman who leaves beneath me who seems to have a knack for being a BITCH and complaining if we move at all while above her stopped me to say ask if I had been teaching Wrigley to run around to which I wittily and sarcastically replied, "No, she figured it out all on her own." Then she started talking to me about being courteous and all this b/s when we never do anything rude like tap dancing or jumping jacks. No wonder the last five tenants have only lasted a year.
I donated my drinking performance of Saturday night to Hurricane Katrina victims. Someone asked me, "Why not the victims of Rita as well?". I shouted back, "What kind of alky do you take me for?" and then grumbled under my breath "..drinking for one hurricane isn't enough, people always want more..."
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Just some shizzle
Some things that have passed through my head:
When I see someone wearing a belt AND suspenders all I can think is, "MAN, those pants aren't going anywhere. I'd like to even see them try." I would like to say this to someone doing that too, but I might have to have been drinking.
What if humans had tails that indicated their current emotional states like those of dogs. You definitely wouldn't have to interpret anyone's feelings. If you see me in person ask me to discuss this because the body actions that go with it are much funnier.
I got drunk this weekend, ate some of a tree and then nearly got stuck in it.
When I see someone wearing a belt AND suspenders all I can think is, "MAN, those pants aren't going anywhere. I'd like to even see them try." I would like to say this to someone doing that too, but I might have to have been drinking.
What if humans had tails that indicated their current emotional states like those of dogs. You definitely wouldn't have to interpret anyone's feelings. If you see me in person ask me to discuss this because the body actions that go with it are much funnier.
I got drunk this weekend, ate some of a tree and then nearly got stuck in it.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Hola amigos
Loyal readers (who number in the nano-thousands by now I am sure) will have noticed this blog has changed from "Daily Ruminations" to those of the weekly variety. It was just too hard to find the time everyday to think of funny stuff and most of all to type it. I still think of funny stuff almost everyday, but mainly I dislike typing.
I also know I promised more stories from Vegas, but once again typing gets in the way of the telling in whole of the stories so instead I will just tell the last sentence of the few of them:
-So Brian covered him in baby powder and stole his quarter pounder with cheese.
-So my hand was resting on his arm...the bed was small!!!
-If Bryce didn't want to get made fun of, a comma would have helped.
-And thus Mike wove the most intricate tale of proposal, including a hot air balloon, champagne, and flamingos... all becuase Bryce said he was engaged.
If anyone cares to know a story in its entirety ask.
I heard the Worst.Superlative.Ever. used in radio commercial the other day (I am glad I was able to express radio commercial since my mind was just trying to convince me that they are called "car commercials" because I hear them in the car)...it was talking about some scary ass movie coming out and the voiceover said something like, "And you can also download the cellphone game that some are saying is the scariest of 2006".....What.The. Fuck? Scariest of 2006...cell phone game? If you have ever seen a cell phone game, what with the 10 pixels and shitty graphics not to mention the typically upbeat quality of a game....I can't even find the right words, but I'd bet it is not scary.
When I was at the laundromat the other day, listening to the elevator music, I thought of my three most surprising songs to hear done in the elevator style:
1) "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia...this was never even that good of a song, and some boring fuck with a keyboard wasted their time to make it even worse.
2)"Unknown" by Barry White...I was just shocked that this one made the transition to elevator. I, however, am not suprised at how it made the transition...ultra-smooth
3)"Brickhouse" by some funky ass dudes...this was just weird to hear without a rippling bass line and all low key
Just because the name is now "Weekly" I can still write more often that that.
I also know I promised more stories from Vegas, but once again typing gets in the way of the telling in whole of the stories so instead I will just tell the last sentence of the few of them:
-So Brian covered him in baby powder and stole his quarter pounder with cheese.
-So my hand was resting on his arm...the bed was small!!!
-If Bryce didn't want to get made fun of, a comma would have helped.
-And thus Mike wove the most intricate tale of proposal, including a hot air balloon, champagne, and flamingos... all becuase Bryce said he was engaged.
If anyone cares to know a story in its entirety ask.
I heard the Worst.Superlative.Ever. used in radio commercial the other day (I am glad I was able to express radio commercial since my mind was just trying to convince me that they are called "car commercials" because I hear them in the car)...it was talking about some scary ass movie coming out and the voiceover said something like, "And you can also download the cellphone game that some are saying is the scariest of 2006".....What.The. Fuck? Scariest of 2006...cell phone game? If you have ever seen a cell phone game, what with the 10 pixels and shitty graphics not to mention the typically upbeat quality of a game....I can't even find the right words, but I'd bet it is not scary.
When I was at the laundromat the other day, listening to the elevator music, I thought of my three most surprising songs to hear done in the elevator style:
1) "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia...this was never even that good of a song, and some boring fuck with a keyboard wasted their time to make it even worse.
2)"Unknown" by Barry White...I was just shocked that this one made the transition to elevator. I, however, am not suprised at how it made the transition...ultra-smooth
3)"Brickhouse" by some funky ass dudes...this was just weird to hear without a rippling bass line and all low key
Just because the name is now "Weekly" I can still write more often that that.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Back from Vegas
Well I just got back from Vegas last night and it was one helluva good time. Here, if I can recall correctly are some of the best tales from the trip:
-My friend Bryce does not respond to mocking of any sort, so some how it came up that we would say that Bryce sucked his own dick. Bryce would then fly off the handle and get really angry every time we would say this, to which I would tell him, "Why are you angry, that is a very enviable special talent"...crazy kid
-After I finished my yard long margarita (yes it was really a yard long) I began doing back flips in the pool and singing show tune requests for everyone while also using the very long straw that came with the drink to try and play the instumental parts....I think I then was romanced by a midget or something
-The day we got there I finally had my previously mentioned moustache and we were at a club in our hotel and the guys I was with were being pussies and would not go up to any girls, but since I have a lady friend I don't care I decided to go up to these girls dancing near one another...as I approached the girls ran away...not as if they had to go to the bathroom, but they bolted away as if I were a zombie, or a guy with a creepy ass moustache. Needless to say I shaved it the next day and when were at Studio 54 later in the week I was back to my butt getting grabbed by aimless females sort of way
-Paul and Brian, when they would get drunk during the day and we would be walking through the casino floor, would randomly disappear and we would turn around and see them talking to aimless females, including ones like the one in this picture (http://community.webshots.com/photo/406826368/442841066PMDAzl)...to whom Paul had just said, "You are beautiful"
-After my friends left me alone at the luxurious Boardwalk Casino and my initial $25 at the roulette table had turned into over $200 and many Jack and Cokes later (probably about 12) and then I had no money...I was walking down the strip by myself and stopped at the yard long margarita place and got a smaller one...like a 30 oz. margarita and I was stumbling my way down to Margaritaville....anyways at certain points on the strip they have bridges over the roads so that people do not walk across them and little walls to prevent people from wandering into the street...well drunken Tim decided that he could climb the wall and cross the street...no more than ten seconds later cops were pulling me over and saying over the loudspeaker, "What are you doing, what are you doing?" to which I threw up my hands and said, "Nothing, nothing"...they then explained to me that I had to walk up and over the streets and when they told me such, I reacted as if I were totally unaware of this. Ten seconds later on the bridge there were six ok looking girls walking together and one was wearing a shirt that was only opaque around her mammary region...I slurred to her "That shirt doesn't leave much to the imagination" to which she sluttily replied, "I know, do you like it?" I said, "I guess so" and she began making out with me. I shoved her off after about two seconds and ran away...saying No! NO!...it was really bizarre...once we got to margaritaville I drank about five more beers and then my antics on the way home were even more crazy...they included: trying to hand out the stripper cards with the mexicans, fake figure skating, shouting out "MIKE JONES", and shadow boxing with some man and pointing up at something repeatedly (no one knows what since I do not remember and no one was near me) there are some pictures I can link to this stuff as well...
-MORE TO COME>>>>
-My friend Bryce does not respond to mocking of any sort, so some how it came up that we would say that Bryce sucked his own dick. Bryce would then fly off the handle and get really angry every time we would say this, to which I would tell him, "Why are you angry, that is a very enviable special talent"...crazy kid
-After I finished my yard long margarita (yes it was really a yard long) I began doing back flips in the pool and singing show tune requests for everyone while also using the very long straw that came with the drink to try and play the instumental parts....I think I then was romanced by a midget or something
-The day we got there I finally had my previously mentioned moustache and we were at a club in our hotel and the guys I was with were being pussies and would not go up to any girls, but since I have a lady friend I don't care I decided to go up to these girls dancing near one another...as I approached the girls ran away...not as if they had to go to the bathroom, but they bolted away as if I were a zombie, or a guy with a creepy ass moustache. Needless to say I shaved it the next day and when were at Studio 54 later in the week I was back to my butt getting grabbed by aimless females sort of way
-Paul and Brian, when they would get drunk during the day and we would be walking through the casino floor, would randomly disappear and we would turn around and see them talking to aimless females, including ones like the one in this picture (http://community.webshots.com/photo/406826368/442841066PMDAzl)...to whom Paul had just said, "You are beautiful"
-After my friends left me alone at the luxurious Boardwalk Casino and my initial $25 at the roulette table had turned into over $200 and many Jack and Cokes later (probably about 12) and then I had no money...I was walking down the strip by myself and stopped at the yard long margarita place and got a smaller one...like a 30 oz. margarita and I was stumbling my way down to Margaritaville....anyways at certain points on the strip they have bridges over the roads so that people do not walk across them and little walls to prevent people from wandering into the street...well drunken Tim decided that he could climb the wall and cross the street...no more than ten seconds later cops were pulling me over and saying over the loudspeaker, "What are you doing, what are you doing?" to which I threw up my hands and said, "Nothing, nothing"...they then explained to me that I had to walk up and over the streets and when they told me such, I reacted as if I were totally unaware of this. Ten seconds later on the bridge there were six ok looking girls walking together and one was wearing a shirt that was only opaque around her mammary region...I slurred to her "That shirt doesn't leave much to the imagination" to which she sluttily replied, "I know, do you like it?" I said, "I guess so" and she began making out with me. I shoved her off after about two seconds and ran away...saying No! NO!...it was really bizarre...once we got to margaritaville I drank about five more beers and then my antics on the way home were even more crazy...they included: trying to hand out the stripper cards with the mexicans, fake figure skating, shouting out "MIKE JONES", and shadow boxing with some man and pointing up at something repeatedly (no one knows what since I do not remember and no one was near me) there are some pictures I can link to this stuff as well...
-MORE TO COME>>>>
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