Why is Crunch and Munch sometimes call fiddle faddle? Secondly, a product whose sole niche is grandmothers...how does it continue to exist? Who is buying the cookies that are by the cash register at Walgreens? Same niche. Who is buying the premade deli sandwiches at...well, pretty much anywhere? Alright different niche. Truckers. If only I had Venn diagram technology, I could whip some of those up right now. But realistically I will use words. I think I might need to make a foray into the shitty overloaded with preservative desert food market. For the following reasons:
1. All women greater than 70 love me, except for my own grandmother, who thinks I am an awful human. They find me charming and handsome. I probably look like a move star from the first "talkies" (non silent films) or some nonsense like that. But I don't talk like a Cary Grant fruit cake. Plaster my photo on the packaging, and I do a few meet and greets at nursing homes and other places with old people like antique stores or where the old Woolworths used to be (you know, since they get confused and want to go to a drug store chain that has been out of business for 15 years)
2. My product will be a better use for discretionary and non discretionary income than any other product existing. Ever. It will be a mix of everything that old people love and young people hate to have to eat. I'm thinking some sort of trail mix with off brand cheetos, bits of vintage aged fruit cake (which I will call Cary Grant) and those weird yellow raisins that are never sold alone.
3. Location location packaging. Got ya! You thought I was going to say location a third time. But realistically, what the fuck would location have to do with what I am talking about? No packaging for the oldies...not too many bright colors, my photo (looking all dapper, in black and white) and something about Olde Tyme. And classic. And maybe something about just like when you were a little girl and FDR was president? Yes. Perfect.
And now for my foray into the sandwiches for truckers:
1) I am good at making sandwiches. All I have to do is find someone who is good at saran wrap. I hate saran wrap. It's fuckin dumb as shit. Maybe my sandwiches can be wrapped in foil. Last I checked, truckers aren't too into aesthetics. What with their mullets and ugly wives.
Facebook people. Stop doing status updates that are STATUS updates. I don't need to know you bought something new and expensive. I don't give a shit. That'd be like me scanning my bank statement and highlighting all the baller ass purchases I made that past month. Oh, boom $86 worth of groceries. BALLER. Subway $12.39. Looks like someone got 2 $5 footlongs. BALLER.
And yes, I've been drinking. But you can bet I'll drink more. And write more. BALLER>
Friday, December 18, 2009
Sunday, November 08, 2009
I will be writing the best television program ever. Every year. For the rest of forever.
I am beginning to notice something. Trends. Also, that I love having a beard. It totally takes care of my hatred for shaving.
Anyways, back to these trends. Has anyone else noticed TV shows this year can be split into about six categories? Reality, Vampire, Hospital/Doctor, Overeating, Tyler Perry Presents, Shows with Women wearing revealing clothing.
So, I am pretty sure I could walk into a networks boardroom, and after being charming for about 45 seconds, I could present a show each and every year that they would green light and would achieve, for whatever reason, huge popularity. Also, they would give me a large briefcase of money. Then we would share a laugh and a cigar, and I would be on my merry way, back to growing a beard and trend watching so that I could come up with their big hit for next year.
So according to those six categories here's my show to pitch for this year: Tyler Perry presents (what? there can't be more than one Tyler Perry. It's a pretty vanilla name. It's not like that Jerry Bruckheimer character or anything) a show about a staff of sexy young vampires in a hospital which specializes in the treatment of people who have overeaten on reality shows. Bam. Who would not watch that? And the best thing about it? The staff would watch clips of the show (which would be a real show people could be on ((show within a show. how goddamned brilliant)) while they were having various romantic liasons and sucking blood, etc.
Proof this could possibly happen: Space Chimps, that movie with Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon, Blue's Clues, Early Edition (a cat who delivered a newspaper from the future, for those who do not recall), etc. Duh.
When I am in the midst of beard growth, the typical reaction is something like, "Tim, you look so sophiscticated. You grow a beard really quickly. Are you going to shave soon." I then say, "I hate shaving. And I don't mind the way a beard looks on my face." People then generally agree that they also detest shaving. Then grow a beard you man candyasses. And if your boss at work says anything about it, point out the number of US Presidents that had a beard (at least three that I can think of) as well as WWF superstars and other awesome people. Just try and avoid mention of the unibomber or any other known terrorists. It also helps to point out that Carson Daly could probably not grow one. And if I have learned anything, people hate that dude. He's very polarizing and if you can get people to realize that you too are against him, then whatever action you are taking makes sense.
Is it wrong that in my fantasy football league I have tried to turn everyone against Seattle RB Julius Jones because he is a pack a day smoker? Football players, unless they are the kicker, punter, or long snapper, should not smoke that much. I only want pack a day smokers on my fantasy baseball team. So there you go Julius Jones, even though you are not a very good option, you are less of an option because of your habit.
I wish the commercials with the talking baby for etrade were for a cooler product that I could go buy a bunch of. Like Combos or Twizzlers. Then I might buy more of those products.
Anyways, back to these trends. Has anyone else noticed TV shows this year can be split into about six categories? Reality, Vampire, Hospital/Doctor, Overeating, Tyler Perry Presents, Shows with Women wearing revealing clothing.
So, I am pretty sure I could walk into a networks boardroom, and after being charming for about 45 seconds, I could present a show each and every year that they would green light and would achieve, for whatever reason, huge popularity. Also, they would give me a large briefcase of money. Then we would share a laugh and a cigar, and I would be on my merry way, back to growing a beard and trend watching so that I could come up with their big hit for next year.
So according to those six categories here's my show to pitch for this year: Tyler Perry presents (what? there can't be more than one Tyler Perry. It's a pretty vanilla name. It's not like that Jerry Bruckheimer character or anything) a show about a staff of sexy young vampires in a hospital which specializes in the treatment of people who have overeaten on reality shows. Bam. Who would not watch that? And the best thing about it? The staff would watch clips of the show (which would be a real show people could be on ((show within a show. how goddamned brilliant)) while they were having various romantic liasons and sucking blood, etc.
Proof this could possibly happen: Space Chimps, that movie with Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon, Blue's Clues, Early Edition (a cat who delivered a newspaper from the future, for those who do not recall), etc. Duh.
When I am in the midst of beard growth, the typical reaction is something like, "Tim, you look so sophiscticated. You grow a beard really quickly. Are you going to shave soon." I then say, "I hate shaving. And I don't mind the way a beard looks on my face." People then generally agree that they also detest shaving. Then grow a beard you man candyasses. And if your boss at work says anything about it, point out the number of US Presidents that had a beard (at least three that I can think of) as well as WWF superstars and other awesome people. Just try and avoid mention of the unibomber or any other known terrorists. It also helps to point out that Carson Daly could probably not grow one. And if I have learned anything, people hate that dude. He's very polarizing and if you can get people to realize that you too are against him, then whatever action you are taking makes sense.
Is it wrong that in my fantasy football league I have tried to turn everyone against Seattle RB Julius Jones because he is a pack a day smoker? Football players, unless they are the kicker, punter, or long snapper, should not smoke that much. I only want pack a day smokers on my fantasy baseball team. So there you go Julius Jones, even though you are not a very good option, you are less of an option because of your habit.
I wish the commercials with the talking baby for etrade were for a cooler product that I could go buy a bunch of. Like Combos or Twizzlers. Then I might buy more of those products.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Some things I learned today
All of the following are bad ideas:
-Carrying a gun in your sweat pants.
-Carrying a gun in a state where it is illegal to carry a gun
- AGAIN, CARRYING A GODDAMN GUN IN YOUR SWEATPANTS. SERIOUSLY.
- Being an NFL player doing anything more than working out and watching game film. If you want to let loose, have some beers at your mansion, with your entourage. But do that rarely. You think Wes Welker is out in Boston a lot with a gun in his sweat pants?
-IF YOU ARE GOING TO CARRY A GUN IN YOUR PANTS, GET SOME PANTS MORE APTLY SUITED FOR GUN TOTING
- If you are a famous NFL player and you have decided to carry a gun in your pants, don't shoot yourself in the leg. Then you will end up going to jail for a couple years, losing millions of dollars, and in the case of Plaxico Burress, getting your scary skeletal frame used in the yard as the bench press bar. Have fun, asshole.
Why is it that when you get an x-ray and they find no break it is deemed negative? Does that not just demonstrate how money hungry the nedical community is? To whom is the x-rya negative to aside from the doctor? I am pretty sure everytime I have had an x-ray and I find I do not have a broken bone I consider this a very positive turn of events.
The drunk driving commercial where the man has a car full of martini and when he is pulled overand rolls down his window for the sure to be arresting officer and olives and martini spill out...that's the only way I ever want a martini. I want to go to a bar and order a martini which fills up all the space in the car. It would be the only way I would ever want this drink. and the only way I would ever want to receive a DUI. and maybe..maybe the only way I ever want to die.
-Carrying a gun in your sweat pants.
-Carrying a gun in a state where it is illegal to carry a gun
- AGAIN, CARRYING A GODDAMN GUN IN YOUR SWEATPANTS. SERIOUSLY.
- Being an NFL player doing anything more than working out and watching game film. If you want to let loose, have some beers at your mansion, with your entourage. But do that rarely. You think Wes Welker is out in Boston a lot with a gun in his sweat pants?
-IF YOU ARE GOING TO CARRY A GUN IN YOUR PANTS, GET SOME PANTS MORE APTLY SUITED FOR GUN TOTING
- If you are a famous NFL player and you have decided to carry a gun in your pants, don't shoot yourself in the leg. Then you will end up going to jail for a couple years, losing millions of dollars, and in the case of Plaxico Burress, getting your scary skeletal frame used in the yard as the bench press bar. Have fun, asshole.
Why is it that when you get an x-ray and they find no break it is deemed negative? Does that not just demonstrate how money hungry the nedical community is? To whom is the x-rya negative to aside from the doctor? I am pretty sure everytime I have had an x-ray and I find I do not have a broken bone I consider this a very positive turn of events.
The drunk driving commercial where the man has a car full of martini and when he is pulled overand rolls down his window for the sure to be arresting officer and olives and martini spill out...that's the only way I ever want a martini. I want to go to a bar and order a martini which fills up all the space in the car. It would be the only way I would ever want this drink. and the only way I would ever want to receive a DUI. and maybe..maybe the only way I ever want to die.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Fuck you, Len Kasper
All I really wanted to do today was to finish watching the Cubs wrap up their series awesomeness against the Pirates. Weather then interfered, which, I understand to not be Cubs TV play by play man Len Kasper's fault. Although he does look like he might be into wizardry, and therefore some sort of weather changing effects.
Regardless we start to get all the typical rain delay features- an interview with some squirelly man who DID NOT want to be on television, a rebroadcast of the Fergie Jenkins/Greg Maddux and then finally the inevitable neverending broadcasts of the Drew Carey Show and According to Jim, at which times we would then get to hear from time to time Len Kasper chirp in and say something not witty or amusing about the rain continuing to fall along with some crappy reference to a CCR song, since evidently Len and Bob know all about everything musical. Then, all of a sudden the little Cubs Rain Delay logo in the upper right hand corner disappears and I am left watching Drew Carey with no possibility of watching the Cubs. I know, I know, it almost has to be my fault since I was busy getting morally crushed by watching Tiger Woods lose to some guy I have never heard of, but even so I expected Len Kasper to be like that guy who still has to sit around at something for a couple hours and tell you that it has been cancelled. Yes, that is correct WGN, when a game is cancelled in the future I would like one hour of airtime devoted to Len Kasper saying "The game is cancelled. I am sorry. Very very sorry. I am also the wizard at fault for this weather. Again, my apologies."
My general tone might even make it seem as if I dislike Len Kasper. This would not be true. I am a big fan of he and Bob Brenly's straight shooting, Cubs what the fuck did you do that for, broadcast approach. There is only one other thing I am looking for in addition to being better informed of a game cancellation- more commentary on when the cameras show hot ladies. Typically you guys greet this with silence so if I am doing something, I might not even glance up and get to see the pretty lady. This is a travesty. And when you do make commentary, I want innuendo and double entendre. Is that too much to ask? It's totally what I would do. Think of being the anti Joe Buck (who I hate ever since he was horrified at a Randy Moss fake mooning TD celebration dance...yes fake mooning "OH MY GOD, RANDY MOSS HAS FAKE PULLED DOWN HIS PANTS TO FAKE REVEAL HIS BUTT AND FAKE MOON THE CROWD! A TOTALLY OFFENSIVE PANTOMIME! WE SHOULD ALL BE SO OFFENDED BY THIS FAKE ACTION!")
That is all for now. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Regardless we start to get all the typical rain delay features- an interview with some squirelly man who DID NOT want to be on television, a rebroadcast of the Fergie Jenkins/Greg Maddux and then finally the inevitable neverending broadcasts of the Drew Carey Show and According to Jim, at which times we would then get to hear from time to time Len Kasper chirp in and say something not witty or amusing about the rain continuing to fall along with some crappy reference to a CCR song, since evidently Len and Bob know all about everything musical. Then, all of a sudden the little Cubs Rain Delay logo in the upper right hand corner disappears and I am left watching Drew Carey with no possibility of watching the Cubs. I know, I know, it almost has to be my fault since I was busy getting morally crushed by watching Tiger Woods lose to some guy I have never heard of, but even so I expected Len Kasper to be like that guy who still has to sit around at something for a couple hours and tell you that it has been cancelled. Yes, that is correct WGN, when a game is cancelled in the future I would like one hour of airtime devoted to Len Kasper saying "The game is cancelled. I am sorry. Very very sorry. I am also the wizard at fault for this weather. Again, my apologies."
My general tone might even make it seem as if I dislike Len Kasper. This would not be true. I am a big fan of he and Bob Brenly's straight shooting, Cubs what the fuck did you do that for, broadcast approach. There is only one other thing I am looking for in addition to being better informed of a game cancellation- more commentary on when the cameras show hot ladies. Typically you guys greet this with silence so if I am doing something, I might not even glance up and get to see the pretty lady. This is a travesty. And when you do make commentary, I want innuendo and double entendre. Is that too much to ask? It's totally what I would do. Think of being the anti Joe Buck (who I hate ever since he was horrified at a Randy Moss fake mooning TD celebration dance...yes fake mooning "OH MY GOD, RANDY MOSS HAS FAKE PULLED DOWN HIS PANTS TO FAKE REVEAL HIS BUTT AND FAKE MOON THE CROWD! A TOTALLY OFFENSIVE PANTOMIME! WE SHOULD ALL BE SO OFFENDED BY THIS FAKE ACTION!")
That is all for now. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Giggity
I just returned from my first viewing of The Hangover, An Occult Film (not many people know that was the actual complete working title). I have some thoughts:
-I hope America is now exposed to the brilliance that is Zach Galifinakis. I just also hope he does not become ubertrendy. I hate when too many people start knowing people that I know, or funny people that I enjoy. Then they act all, "Oh man, I love that guy" and I act all punch them in the face and tell them they are fake posers who just like someone because they have suddenly gained popularity. And then due to the Internet, everyone can see everything the person has ever done and act like they are experts because they twitteroodled a Galfinakis funny as a quote and read a bunch of his other stuff on Wikiquote and his life story on Wikipedia (which, by the way, I implore you to do, because I already added a bunch of fake shit on there. For instance, he did not say "An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind" but I put it as one of his quotes. And he was not born inside a cantalope, but see what else seems fake on his wikipedia entry....you'll leave there with more questions than answers.)
-I really enjoy the premise of the movie, but generally from what I have heard about rapies (5th grade DARE class) they don't just make you black out, you also pass the fuck out, leaving little time for shenanigans like getting married, stealing tigers from mike tyson, and dragging matrasses to roofs of hotels. Just saying. I'm willing to let this one slide even though they kept harping on the fact that they took rapies over and over again.
-Jeffrey Tambor was underutilized in this movie. And the importance of his sweet Benz to him was suddenly not resolved at the end of the film. No one said a thing at the wedding. And for some reason I don't think the 80 grand worth of bellagio chips would cover the repairs. Or else everyone would just have a car like that. His character in his brief screen time vacillated from cool (It's Vegas, I understand) to weird and anal (Put armorall on the tires once you get to Vegas due to the sand). Rubbish.
-Other than that, solid flick. If I ever start and write more than about seven pages of a film, I will tie up all the loose ends on the eighth page. All in one scene, the way both great movies and games of Clue do it.
One last thing for the film industry, rebels from Chechnya keep being the main villanous characters in many movies. Can we just go more realistic and have villains from the Middle East and Afghanistan more often, or is the Checnyen infuence still that great? Are there just a bunch of evil badasses there? Is it the easiest accent for actors to do? RIDDLE ME THAT.
-I hope America is now exposed to the brilliance that is Zach Galifinakis. I just also hope he does not become ubertrendy. I hate when too many people start knowing people that I know, or funny people that I enjoy. Then they act all, "Oh man, I love that guy" and I act all punch them in the face and tell them they are fake posers who just like someone because they have suddenly gained popularity. And then due to the Internet, everyone can see everything the person has ever done and act like they are experts because they twitteroodled a Galfinakis funny as a quote and read a bunch of his other stuff on Wikiquote and his life story on Wikipedia (which, by the way, I implore you to do, because I already added a bunch of fake shit on there. For instance, he did not say "An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind" but I put it as one of his quotes. And he was not born inside a cantalope, but see what else seems fake on his wikipedia entry....you'll leave there with more questions than answers.)
-I really enjoy the premise of the movie, but generally from what I have heard about rapies (5th grade DARE class) they don't just make you black out, you also pass the fuck out, leaving little time for shenanigans like getting married, stealing tigers from mike tyson, and dragging matrasses to roofs of hotels. Just saying. I'm willing to let this one slide even though they kept harping on the fact that they took rapies over and over again.
-Jeffrey Tambor was underutilized in this movie. And the importance of his sweet Benz to him was suddenly not resolved at the end of the film. No one said a thing at the wedding. And for some reason I don't think the 80 grand worth of bellagio chips would cover the repairs. Or else everyone would just have a car like that. His character in his brief screen time vacillated from cool (It's Vegas, I understand) to weird and anal (Put armorall on the tires once you get to Vegas due to the sand). Rubbish.
-Other than that, solid flick. If I ever start and write more than about seven pages of a film, I will tie up all the loose ends on the eighth page. All in one scene, the way both great movies and games of Clue do it.
One last thing for the film industry, rebels from Chechnya keep being the main villanous characters in many movies. Can we just go more realistic and have villains from the Middle East and Afghanistan more often, or is the Checnyen infuence still that great? Are there just a bunch of evil badasses there? Is it the easiest accent for actors to do? RIDDLE ME THAT.
Monday, April 27, 2009
I might add....
The phrase, "I might add", I might add, is one of the douchiest phrases I have heard being tossed around recently. Not only is it incredibly douchey and sweeping the talking head world (may I just add I am not entirely ready to drink the kool aid on saying I might add) but it is completely and utterly pointless. Let me explain why.
1. Typically the "I might add" is thrown in at the end of a sentence.
Example: I, a douchebag, have gotten really into drinking white wine like a little girl and it is delicious, I might add.
(Disclaimer: That sentence was not about me)
By putting the phrase such as "I might add"at the end of the sentence, you did not MIGHT add it, you FOR SURE JUST ADDED IT. The words already came out of your mouth. The only thing potentially worse then "I might add" is it's bitch of a cousin "may I add" because again, you already added, don't ask if it's okay now. ask beforehand and you might be suprised I don't want to listen to anything you have to say.
Especially you, rental car customers. When I ask if everything worked out okay with your car, I don't give a shit for what you "might add" about the state of the car or the driving conditions you encountered. I just ask because I am supposed to. Really though do I care if the wiper fluid was low? NO. Your dumbass should have stopped and bought some more rather than trivializing my life by waiting the remaining four days you had the car to complian about it. Oh it was difficult to return the car at the gas level you got it? Well guess what it's difficult to me to envision a world where making sue every car has a full tank you annoying piece of garbage.
During NCAA tournament time, I read an article about Pittsburgh Panther Sam Young which may have accidentally led me to discovering the funniest thing one could ever think about when in the mood for thinking of something f-ing hilarious. Sam Young's brother is evidently one of the top "blind athletes" in the world. In particular, if I recall correctly, he excelled at judo. Since I have been so intrigued about how fucking funny it would be to watch these sporting events, but I have decided they are way funnier if you just imagine them then actually trying to find videos of these blind athletes which I am sure look a lot like normal sporting events. It is more fun to imagine the various things in place during these blind events- seeing eye dogs, atheletes tied together in events like judo so they can actually find one another to kick each other, a bunch of swinging and missing, commentators discussing "smell guards" to block an athletes odor from their opponent....it's just funny. Yes, I am sure I will go to hell. It's gonna be fun though.
1. Typically the "I might add" is thrown in at the end of a sentence.
Example: I, a douchebag, have gotten really into drinking white wine like a little girl and it is delicious, I might add.
(Disclaimer: That sentence was not about me)
By putting the phrase such as "I might add"at the end of the sentence, you did not MIGHT add it, you FOR SURE JUST ADDED IT. The words already came out of your mouth. The only thing potentially worse then "I might add" is it's bitch of a cousin "may I add" because again, you already added, don't ask if it's okay now. ask beforehand and you might be suprised I don't want to listen to anything you have to say.
Especially you, rental car customers. When I ask if everything worked out okay with your car, I don't give a shit for what you "might add" about the state of the car or the driving conditions you encountered. I just ask because I am supposed to. Really though do I care if the wiper fluid was low? NO. Your dumbass should have stopped and bought some more rather than trivializing my life by waiting the remaining four days you had the car to complian about it. Oh it was difficult to return the car at the gas level you got it? Well guess what it's difficult to me to envision a world where making sue every car has a full tank you annoying piece of garbage.
During NCAA tournament time, I read an article about Pittsburgh Panther Sam Young which may have accidentally led me to discovering the funniest thing one could ever think about when in the mood for thinking of something f-ing hilarious. Sam Young's brother is evidently one of the top "blind athletes" in the world. In particular, if I recall correctly, he excelled at judo. Since I have been so intrigued about how fucking funny it would be to watch these sporting events, but I have decided they are way funnier if you just imagine them then actually trying to find videos of these blind athletes which I am sure look a lot like normal sporting events. It is more fun to imagine the various things in place during these blind events- seeing eye dogs, atheletes tied together in events like judo so they can actually find one another to kick each other, a bunch of swinging and missing, commentators discussing "smell guards" to block an athletes odor from their opponent....it's just funny. Yes, I am sure I will go to hell. It's gonna be fun though.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I didn't force butter and sugar down his throat for 50 years
15 MINUTE RUNNING DIARY OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS
8:15pm- Hugh Jackman? What happened to having someone funny host the show? Sure, he is Australian and rugged looking, but what does that do for the laugh factor?
8:16pm- Sarah Jessica Parker! The world's most successful horse- screw you Secretariat! And Daniel Craig- the pansiest James Bond ever! What a presenting duo, I see now why they wanted to keep the presenters secret.
8:18pm- "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" just won the award for Art Direction. Alana quipped, "I didn't think it was that great." I didn't even waste my time seeing it. I prefer this movie in reverse, and starring Robin Williams. It's called Jack. It's way sweet. Bill Cosby is in it too. The guys who won this award suck at speeches. Probably because they have never won anything in their lives.
8:21pm- Wow! The only movie where I would say there technically were costumes won for best costumes...The Duchess. All the other movies it looked to me like people were just wearing normal clothes. I personally do not call it costuming when I get dressed in the morning. It's just getting dressed, you talent mongers.
8:23- Makeup. Another stupid award. I will instead discuss Wrigley the beagle. We bought her some sort of tendon thing today. It's about two feet long and looks like a slim jim gone awry. She has not disturbed us since. Benny Button just won this makeup award. I think they should take it from them and give it to the makeup people for Jack since they pirated the awesomeness of that film. Really.
8:25- Ooooo, people from Twilight, I bet women from 13-53 are swooning now. Vampires do it better in West Virginia (I saw this bumper sticker the other day). (PS, no I didn't) Now a montage of clips showing romanitcal scenes. Like 15 of the 40 clips are from High School Musical. What a good year for film.
8:29pm- Commercials must not be very expensive for the Oscars. Because they suck.
8:15pm- Hugh Jackman? What happened to having someone funny host the show? Sure, he is Australian and rugged looking, but what does that do for the laugh factor?
8:16pm- Sarah Jessica Parker! The world's most successful horse- screw you Secretariat! And Daniel Craig- the pansiest James Bond ever! What a presenting duo, I see now why they wanted to keep the presenters secret.
8:18pm- "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" just won the award for Art Direction. Alana quipped, "I didn't think it was that great." I didn't even waste my time seeing it. I prefer this movie in reverse, and starring Robin Williams. It's called Jack. It's way sweet. Bill Cosby is in it too. The guys who won this award suck at speeches. Probably because they have never won anything in their lives.
8:21pm- Wow! The only movie where I would say there technically were costumes won for best costumes...The Duchess. All the other movies it looked to me like people were just wearing normal clothes. I personally do not call it costuming when I get dressed in the morning. It's just getting dressed, you talent mongers.
8:23- Makeup. Another stupid award. I will instead discuss Wrigley the beagle. We bought her some sort of tendon thing today. It's about two feet long and looks like a slim jim gone awry. She has not disturbed us since. Benny Button just won this makeup award. I think they should take it from them and give it to the makeup people for Jack since they pirated the awesomeness of that film. Really.
8:25- Ooooo, people from Twilight, I bet women from 13-53 are swooning now. Vampires do it better in West Virginia (I saw this bumper sticker the other day). (PS, no I didn't) Now a montage of clips showing romanitcal scenes. Like 15 of the 40 clips are from High School Musical. What a good year for film.
8:29pm- Commercials must not be very expensive for the Oscars. Because they suck.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
What, may I ask, is really the point?
People of the world, you look silly when you cry. You look way cooler when laughing, smiling, after being whalloped in the testicles/ovaries, when angry, and even when trying to look cool (but then you also look pretty silly. you (and this is the plural you, the you that is the world) jut out your lower teeth too far when trying to look cool). But when people cry, it's just this facial contortion that does not seem right, your eyes get all tiny and squinty and leak fluid, your mouth gets weird, your hands get magnetized to your head as if they know, "Hey cover up, we look fucking weird!". Have Lifetime channel on enough in your home and you will be able to analyze this crying. I, of course, have little or no self knowledge of this "crying". The only things that make me really want to shed a tear are moving sports moments. Make-A-Wish week on Sportscenter, chances are there is a single Native American tear leaving my eye when I see a kid with legs get carried around the bases by Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins. Let me recount a tale of the Boston Celtics receiving their championship rings this year. Seeing Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce finally getting their rings along with, in a lesser way, Ray Allen, somehow made me have more Native American Single Tears (Native American Single Tears, The Official Tears of Men, and Well, Native Americans Everywhere).
I recently bought some new kind of Crest Mouthwash. I liked it at first until I realized something. The cap is not childproof. I want no part of mouthwash that is safe to have around children. What nonsense. Safe and supposed to kill germs? Come on now.
So, tacosmadebyapirate.com is up in some form or another. But as I am not really even sure who reads or looks for anything in this space anymore, I am not sure who will help me have the most ballin ass website ever. Please let me know if you wish to help. It would also help if anyone were looking at this drivel anymore. I like to know I am entertaining others, not just myself (although entertaining myself comes first...always, which is why, worry not, I still have a million hilarious thoughts a day...I just keep them to myself instead of dedicating time to the sheer brilliance that is me with whomever may be out there. I hope that when I mentioned tradway.blogspot.com I did not lose readers to people wishing to save money, although with the global economy as it is, not a bad idea).
Until soon. I promise.
I recently bought some new kind of Crest Mouthwash. I liked it at first until I realized something. The cap is not childproof. I want no part of mouthwash that is safe to have around children. What nonsense. Safe and supposed to kill germs? Come on now.
So, tacosmadebyapirate.com is up in some form or another. But as I am not really even sure who reads or looks for anything in this space anymore, I am not sure who will help me have the most ballin ass website ever. Please let me know if you wish to help. It would also help if anyone were looking at this drivel anymore. I like to know I am entertaining others, not just myself (although entertaining myself comes first...always, which is why, worry not, I still have a million hilarious thoughts a day...I just keep them to myself instead of dedicating time to the sheer brilliance that is me with whomever may be out there. I hope that when I mentioned tradway.blogspot.com I did not lose readers to people wishing to save money, although with the global economy as it is, not a bad idea).
Until soon. I promise.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
WAAA WAAAAAA
I know, I know, I've been a lazy fuck. Lazy, lazy, lazy. Unwilling. Sloth. Lacking of spirit, gumption, fire, spiss and/or vinegar. Well, I am done having a Monopoly Beyond Balderdash filled with Trouble, Chutes and Ladders, an overwhleming amount of what an Indian (dot) would call "Parcheesi", filled with all the bad guessing of a game of Pictionary that you may have played in your Life, and what can I say but Sorry, but not twice, you only get to hear that but Uno time, and if you think I will say it again, I will instead say to you "Don't Break the Ice, Cooties, Mad Gab, Risk, Barrel of Monkeys, Pick Up Sticks."
As of Christmas, I am now the proud owner of the domain tacosmadebyapirate.com Don't rish to the site yet, as there is nothing there. But I do have grand plans for it. There will be other contributors beside myself, video postings, places to buy t-shirts designed by me, a place to e-mail me where all you will get back is ethnic slurs and computer viruses, and maybe drawings by autistic children that you can buy, with all profits going to me. It's going to be real. It's going to be awesome. BUT, here is what I need.
1) Someone to design a website.
2) Someone to make a logo of a pirate making a taco. Probably a fish taco, you know, just because.
Eventually this logo will be on t-shirts for sale that will say witty things like "Tacosmadebyapirate.com Burned Down Disney World!"
Also, there will be a rum made by the site, how, I am not exactly sure, I do not know all inner workings of the Internet, and how machines do many things, but I am sure it can whip up some rum. The rum will have the motto "Get More Fuckin Wasted Then You Have Ever Been Ever, Wack Job" People will buy it for this very reason. It will hopefully somehow be 198 proof and disgusting, yet at the same time expensive.
I am tired of commercials for shows involving Frank TV as well as Tyler Perry. I have seen a combined zero minutes of these two shows and a combined 75 hours of commercials for these shows. I know people, yet somehow know NO MAN who watches either of these shows. So, if we blinded Frank Caliendo and Tyler Perry, and the viewership of these shows had been the perpetrator of this crime, and we asked them who did it, they would say " NO MAN did this to me!". Except Frank would say it in an unfunny John Madden voice and Tyler Perry would dress as a large black woman and say it. Sorry Frank, John Madden is funny enough on his own. And you don't look like any of the other characters you potray, so your job should be in radio, where we cannot tell you are a short stubby fat man. And Tyler, Martin Lawrence and Tracy Jordan already did being a large black woman except actually funny and not stupid or on TBS.
I realize that aside from not writing, another problem facing this blog is that many people may accidentally be going to tradway.blogspot.com. Go ahead, check it out. It's by some woman living in Massachusetts who calls herself "The Coupon Junkie". Her blog is all about coupon use. I want to take this time to warn her, get rid of your similar web address or I will order a large mushroom pizza to your house EVERYDAY. True, I don't know where you live. And to trick you up even more, I will sometimes pay for this pizza. I will keep you on your toes. And just when you expect that pizza to show up and you plan on eating it for dinner, I will send Thai food that night. Prepare for the worst, expect the worst, Coupon Junkie. You will never know what sort of food is being delivered to you.
As of Christmas, I am now the proud owner of the domain tacosmadebyapirate.com Don't rish to the site yet, as there is nothing there. But I do have grand plans for it. There will be other contributors beside myself, video postings, places to buy t-shirts designed by me, a place to e-mail me where all you will get back is ethnic slurs and computer viruses, and maybe drawings by autistic children that you can buy, with all profits going to me. It's going to be real. It's going to be awesome. BUT, here is what I need.
1) Someone to design a website.
2) Someone to make a logo of a pirate making a taco. Probably a fish taco, you know, just because.
Eventually this logo will be on t-shirts for sale that will say witty things like "Tacosmadebyapirate.com Burned Down Disney World!"
Also, there will be a rum made by the site, how, I am not exactly sure, I do not know all inner workings of the Internet, and how machines do many things, but I am sure it can whip up some rum. The rum will have the motto "Get More Fuckin Wasted Then You Have Ever Been Ever, Wack Job" People will buy it for this very reason. It will hopefully somehow be 198 proof and disgusting, yet at the same time expensive.
I am tired of commercials for shows involving Frank TV as well as Tyler Perry. I have seen a combined zero minutes of these two shows and a combined 75 hours of commercials for these shows. I know people, yet somehow know NO MAN who watches either of these shows. So, if we blinded Frank Caliendo and Tyler Perry, and the viewership of these shows had been the perpetrator of this crime, and we asked them who did it, they would say " NO MAN did this to me!". Except Frank would say it in an unfunny John Madden voice and Tyler Perry would dress as a large black woman and say it. Sorry Frank, John Madden is funny enough on his own. And you don't look like any of the other characters you potray, so your job should be in radio, where we cannot tell you are a short stubby fat man. And Tyler, Martin Lawrence and Tracy Jordan already did being a large black woman except actually funny and not stupid or on TBS.
I realize that aside from not writing, another problem facing this blog is that many people may accidentally be going to tradway.blogspot.com. Go ahead, check it out. It's by some woman living in Massachusetts who calls herself "The Coupon Junkie". Her blog is all about coupon use. I want to take this time to warn her, get rid of your similar web address or I will order a large mushroom pizza to your house EVERYDAY. True, I don't know where you live. And to trick you up even more, I will sometimes pay for this pizza. I will keep you on your toes. And just when you expect that pizza to show up and you plan on eating it for dinner, I will send Thai food that night. Prepare for the worst, expect the worst, Coupon Junkie. You will never know what sort of food is being delivered to you.
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