I will be writing the best television program ever. Every year. For the rest of forever.

I am beginning to notice something. Trends. Also, that I love having a beard. It totally takes care of my hatred for shaving.

Anyways, back to these trends. Has anyone else noticed TV shows this year can be split into about six categories? Reality, Vampire, Hospital/Doctor, Overeating, Tyler Perry Presents, Shows with Women wearing revealing clothing.

So, I am pretty sure I could walk into a networks boardroom, and after being charming for about 45 seconds, I could present a show each and every year that they would green light and would achieve, for whatever reason, huge popularity. Also, they would give me a large briefcase of money. Then we would share a laugh and a cigar, and I would be on my merry way, back to growing a beard and trend watching so that I could come up with their big hit for next year.

So according to those six categories here's my show to pitch for this year: Tyler Perry presents (what? there can't be more than one Tyler Perry. It's a pretty vanilla name. It's not like that Jerry Bruckheimer character or anything) a show about a staff of sexy young vampires in a hospital which specializes in the treatment of people who have overeaten on reality shows. Bam. Who would not watch that? And the best thing about it? The staff would watch clips of the show (which would be a real show people could be on ((show within a show. how goddamned brilliant)) while they were having various romantic liasons and sucking blood, etc.

Proof this could possibly happen: Space Chimps, that movie with Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon, Blue's Clues, Early Edition (a cat who delivered a newspaper from the future, for those who do not recall), etc. Duh.

When I am in the midst of beard growth, the typical reaction is something like, "Tim, you look so sophiscticated. You grow a beard really quickly. Are you going to shave soon." I then say, "I hate shaving. And I don't mind the way a beard looks on my face." People then generally agree that they also detest shaving. Then grow a beard you man candyasses. And if your boss at work says anything about it, point out the number of US Presidents that had a beard (at least three that I can think of) as well as WWF superstars and other awesome people. Just try and avoid mention of the unibomber or any other known terrorists. It also helps to point out that Carson Daly could probably not grow one. And if I have learned anything, people hate that dude. He's very polarizing and if you can get people to realize that you too are against him, then whatever action you are taking makes sense.

Is it wrong that in my fantasy football league I have tried to turn everyone against Seattle RB Julius Jones because he is a pack a day smoker? Football players, unless they are the kicker, punter, or long snapper, should not smoke that much. I only want pack a day smokers on my fantasy baseball team. So there you go Julius Jones, even though you are not a very good option, you are less of an option because of your habit.

I wish the commercials with the talking baby for etrade were for a cooler product that I could go buy a bunch of. Like Combos or Twizzlers. Then I might buy more of those products.