I guess if you do think this blog is about you, then you are a really odd fish. Literally. Like some sort of strangely striped salmon or bass, with an odd attitude, a penchant for ethnic slurs and other racially devisive terminology coming out of your mouth, making you wonder why all the other fish stare at you. Probably because you use a computer, idiot. Or I guess I could take this in a nonfish direction, and think that there is some angry violent homeless man who regularly goes to the library to login in the internet and provied 31 of the 34 hits I receive to this blog. Each time he decides that his increasing anger regarding me writing a blog that is basically mocking his existence, he musters up the courage to leave a comment, but then remembers how long typing takes him since he lost all the ends of his fingers to frostbite last winter. Sorry homeless patronizer and subject of all my writings.
As I was heading to a party last week I lent some thoughts to the things people bring to parties and what you can tell about these people based on the items. And before I make it sound like I was just sitting around engaged in deep thought, I was just sitting around drinking some beers and watching the Cubs lose as I faded in and out of afternoon slumber, which is always the best time for deep afternoon thought.
The Guy Who Inexplicably Brings a Keg, Everytime, Even When You Are Trying to Keep Things a Little More Highbrow, you know, Because Your Grandma is There- You can't fault this guy. I mean really he is giving of his time, his money, and just really wants your party to be a fun time. But he will never get it. Sometimes it won't even be a party and here comes keg dude, to pre game, and he is late so there are only fiteen minutes left before you go out. Next thing you know you have a whole keg of some sweet ass apple juice beer like Coors Light sitting in a tub in your living room. But yeah, don't fault him, he just wants everyone to have a good time. Sometimes he does really get out of control with his charging for the keg, but only when you feed him brown liquor. (**Writer's Note- I sadly do not know this guy. Nor do any of my friends. We have been trying to find this guy to add to our fold. Applicants welcome)
The Guy Who Brings a 12 Pack of Snooty Beer, Implores Everyone to Share, But Sort of gets Mad when All His Beers are Gone After 15 Minutes and He Has to Drink Crap Beer- I always drink like four of this guys beers. Haha, that schmuck. I only bring a case of beer, and not great beer, when I call and ask if I should. Then I always get so pumped when I see the 11 Sierra Nevadas and excitedly ask whose they are and if I can have one. The guy always says, "Well yeah, I bought them for people to drink." Wrong choice of words, my friend. I will consume your beers as quickly as possible, and also, in the ultimate jerk move, hide one somewhere deep in the recesses of the fridge to grab one way later when all the other beers are gone. Don't be such a fool, and be on the lookout for me...
The Guy Who Always Makes the Offer to Bring Something, Usually Brings Nothing, and Preys on the Things Others Bring- I am more than willing to bring a case of beer, pickup some Jaeger or Red Bull for your party, but if you just tell me to bring something if I want to, the answer is no, no I do not want to. You have to be clear with me. Tell me to bring 68 beers, I will. For instance just last year before Vegas, I was talking to Brian and speaking generally about how since I was driving from California, I could use my Costco membership and bring copious amounts of liquor for our room, thus really changing the whole dynamic. Brian, knowing how I roll, then I believe expressly told me, "Bring 6 cases of beer, and five handles of liquor- but no tequila. And don't forget ice." Then I showed up with about 124 beers and five handles of liquor, a man of my word. And even more so, as I feel this is my role, I never ask for recompensation until I am drunk and ask you to buy every beer of mine when out that night.
The Guy Who Wants to Hookup With A Girl And Brings a Bottle of Tequila and Even Those Little Tiny Plastic Shot Glasses- We all know this guy, he is probably recently single, or just rather coquettish, and always trying to meet up with your girlfriends friends or your little sister or something like that. He means well enough, although his tactics can definitely be questioned. Women of the world, it is up to you to deal with this guy, you must implore him to do a shot with you, then somehow not do a shot and get him to do both. Then he ends up passed out, drawn on, with various amounts of toilet paper strewn about him. Eventually he learns that the bottle of tequila is not such a great idea.
The Guy Who Wants to Hookup With A Girl And Brings a Bottle of Schanppes- Just like the guy above, but on a little more of a budget. He, due to the decreased potentcy of his beverage, is one to be less weary of. And speaking of money...
The Guy Who Calls to Ask What To Bring Beforehand, Says He will Bring "Something", Then Just Shows Up With a 40- This guy tried to be polite, but he really needs to come to your party just to let loose since he has been so financially stressed lately. So he shows up with his 40 of King Cobra in a bag, then proceeds to drink from the keg, the snooty beer, the tequila, and the schnappes. After like the eighth party of the guy doing this, you know who he is and finally expect it from him. But nothing really needs to be done about him unless you have like eight of these friends and none of the other friends.
Wow, I am glad I was able to get that all out. I am trying to recommit to this bloggernautdom. Believe it or not, it has been nearly three years now of this nonsense getting spewed out to the world. Which is why, I will now, in this sentence, recommit to a weekly post, and in addition, in between, a daily segment called "20 Minutes", which will be exactly that, 20 Minutes of my writing. It might be funny, it might be autobiographical, it might be 78 haikus churned out. Stay tuned. Konichiwa.
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