As I sit here watching Deep Impact, I wonder what happened that caused Hollywood to come up with so many asteroid destroying the Earth type plots. True, I can only come up with like three of them (and one I am not even sure what it was about)- Deep Impact, Armageddon and Space Cowboys (which may have just been a long Viagra ad for all I know) . As far as I know, there has been no actual threat of asteroid or comet impact to the Earth since...well...the dinosaurs. But a slew of movies came out all the same. These are my thoughts on these films:
1. There is always some new futuristic space craft ready to go to send some sort of renegade flight crew/people getting a second chance/older people who have one last shot at glory/Russian people to destroy the ballistic coming towards the Earth. Where are these futuristic crafts? Does NASA just have them hidden somewhere waiting for something to be headed for the Earth? Also, at this point I feel like sending Bruce Willis or Robert Duvall up in the flight crew might be a good idea, those guys are fearless leaders, with lots of asteroid/comet destorying experiences. Beware of the renegade foreigner/Russian. They always seem to have differing opinions on how the mission should be run and a propensity to be drunk. Also don't send Jon Favreau, he already floated away into space, and plus is way too fat to fit into a space costume (haha, yeah I said space costume, and do to my firm policy on not backspacing and deleting words, it's staying that way) .
2. Morgan Freeman should be the President. Screw Barack Obama. Tell me Morgan Freeman would not be an awesome President. Seriously, give me ten reasons why.
3. If they told me a comet was going to hit the Earth, and I was not one of the special people chosen to go live in the protected cave or whatever, I am pretty sure I would become lawless. All these people in the movies seem to do is spend time with their loved ones and talk. I am pretty sure I would steal, get drunk, and do all sorts of things that can't really be mentioned here. I am sure then when the comet hit the Earth a few days later and got deflected or something, I would have hell to pay, but why not give it a whirl.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Racial Slur? (shrugs shoulders)
I really hope someone can help me out on this one. Is the phrase "selling you up the river" racist? It seems like it might be related to slaves. If so, I should stop using it, about 20 minutes ago. If I have used this phrase to anyone recently, my sincerest apologies. The meaning I was trying to infer more had something to do with that town up the river where you sell things but they always trick you and use evil trickery. Like Cincinnati, that would be a place up a river to get sold. I never said anything about getting bought up the river. So again, my apologies.
Onward and upward with some phrase stuff. Since the Olympics are going on there are probably thousands of people who are broadcasting these games that just suck. The word, my friends, to describe who someone is competing against, is VERSUS, not VERSE. Versus, like that weird channel that shows god knows what, not verse like the separation parts for songs or poems, or haikus of awesome:
I drank whiskey yes
Slurs tossed around drunkenly
Sorry Barack , oops
Bad news, children. Mr. Bubble is dead. Sorry to put it so bluntly. The company that makes that product as well as Binaka (which, if they could have folded well before Dumb and Dumber came out and thusly caused millions to not get sprayed in the eye by the spray breath freshener, not to mention have to force fake laughter at the countless youth imitating the wrong direction blast as made famous by Jim Carrey) just filed for bankruptcy. And since I found this out through some non academic place, they just said the bad kind of bankruptcy. Which is good since who really knows the differences anyways...I think Chapter 11 is the one that is harder to file now, but still keeps you in business.
TUNAK TUNAK
Onward and upward with some phrase stuff. Since the Olympics are going on there are probably thousands of people who are broadcasting these games that just suck. The word, my friends, to describe who someone is competing against, is VERSUS, not VERSE. Versus, like that weird channel that shows god knows what, not verse like the separation parts for songs or poems, or haikus of awesome:
I drank whiskey yes
Slurs tossed around drunkenly
Sorry Barack , oops
Bad news, children. Mr. Bubble is dead. Sorry to put it so bluntly. The company that makes that product as well as Binaka (which, if they could have folded well before Dumb and Dumber came out and thusly caused millions to not get sprayed in the eye by the spray breath freshener, not to mention have to force fake laughter at the countless youth imitating the wrong direction blast as made famous by Jim Carrey) just filed for bankruptcy. And since I found this out through some non academic place, they just said the bad kind of bankruptcy. Which is good since who really knows the differences anyways...I think Chapter 11 is the one that is harder to file now, but still keeps you in business.
TUNAK TUNAK
Monday, August 18, 2008
SABADO GIGANTE!!!
Pet dogs are weird. They are like the grown up version of the stuffed animal. These little furry creatures that we feed, care for, and generally rule over. I guess everyone has a little leader in them, unless of course they are pansies and somehow their dog has them resigning quicker than pervez musharraf. I guess that would be funny if you went home from work where you had to listen to a bunch of wanker nonsense from some boss you don't resepect and had your dog actually lord over you. Needless to say, my dog is a little ball of fur who will lay on her back and listen to me. I am like the Woodrow Wilson of dog owners (create your own analogy..I can't do all the work here).
I wish American television would seem so exciting as Spanish speaking programmed channels. There is always yelling, confetti, bright lights, weird random music, large breasted women dressed in a most intriguing manner- and this is 24 hours a day. Even the childrens programs seem more exciting- as if the bright colors, simple language and all that whatnot involved in childrens shows are magnified by yelling the words, confetti, and boobies. Just my observant self. There is this car wash that I use sometimes and there are guys at the end of the automatic wash waiting to dry your cars and they are always transfixed on Univision, or my fave TELLLLLL-UHHHHHH-MOOOOOOOOON-DOOOOOOOOEEEEEEE. What a life. I figured that if the average person gave them a two dollar tip and on a busy day 200 cars came through, well....yeah, you get it.
I have had dreams recently of being without automobile. Not in an effort to be more green or anything lame like that, I think rather I may just be tiring of cars. Come on scientists- it's 2008, aren't we supposed to be flying by now? Where the hell is my jetpack already bastardos? Or at least warp tubes. I know this oddly dressed red overall wearing Italian plumber fellow who has been using an intricate warp tube system for years. He also can shoot fire out of his hands. Me- no fire out of my hands, warp tubes, or jet packs. Assholes. Work on it.
I wish American television would seem so exciting as Spanish speaking programmed channels. There is always yelling, confetti, bright lights, weird random music, large breasted women dressed in a most intriguing manner- and this is 24 hours a day. Even the childrens programs seem more exciting- as if the bright colors, simple language and all that whatnot involved in childrens shows are magnified by yelling the words, confetti, and boobies. Just my observant self. There is this car wash that I use sometimes and there are guys at the end of the automatic wash waiting to dry your cars and they are always transfixed on Univision, or my fave TELLLLLL-UHHHHHH-MOOOOOOOOON-DOOOOOOOOEEEEEEE. What a life. I figured that if the average person gave them a two dollar tip and on a busy day 200 cars came through, well....yeah, you get it.
I have had dreams recently of being without automobile. Not in an effort to be more green or anything lame like that, I think rather I may just be tiring of cars. Come on scientists- it's 2008, aren't we supposed to be flying by now? Where the hell is my jetpack already bastardos? Or at least warp tubes. I know this oddly dressed red overall wearing Italian plumber fellow who has been using an intricate warp tube system for years. He also can shoot fire out of his hands. Me- no fire out of my hands, warp tubes, or jet packs. Assholes. Work on it.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Twenty Menudos
Someone who lives in my building, yet someone I have never seen, parks their red Honda Civic on the parking pad in the rear of the building. They have a very particular vanity license plate "MUFFY2U". So I have resorted to referring to this general unknown person as "Muffy To Me", as I guess that is what they want me to call them if you flip all the nonsense around. But why is their car always here? Why do they want me to call them Muffy? Do they stay inside since they bear a resemblance to the Muffy character from Arthur? These questions eat at me day and night (4 seconds each day, and usually a nanosecond of time each night.)
I am in general disagreement with the notion of Michael Phelps as one of the greatest athletes of all time. I do think he is probably one of the greatest swimmers of all time, but swimming does not translate to athleticism. I mean, Michael Phelps looks like he would be extremely awkward with his extra long monkey torso playing pretty much any other sport, and that my friends, does not a great athlete make. Maybe water basketball he would exceed at, but not too much else. Jim Thorpe, apparently was a great athlete (as well as a legit firewater loving indian ((feather)), Bo Jackson, before being too great of an athlete and breaking his hip, was a great athlete. Deion Sanders, great athlete. Michael Phelps, great SWIMMER. Don't get it twisted.
Sometimes I get little snippets of ideas for things that would be great in standup routines, but I have yet to really muster up the courage to combine them all together and actually go on stage and perform them somewhere. The main reason, and I think this is a very valid reason- most standup routines have a little more than 45 seconds of material. It would be a short act, not necessarily leaving people the least bit fulfilled. Another issue is that so many things crack me up a great deal, so the things that I think that make me laugh might not be funny- like Beowulf related humor typically does not go over well with the masses. Didn't everyone have to read that?
The Air and Water Show was this weekend in Chicago, so much of my time at home this weekend made it sound like an air raid was about to start, and that, in fact, whatever club in Boys Town was blasting the techno remix of "The Roof is On Fire" would for the first time, be a soothsaying DJ. I don't understand what all this air and water show fuss is about unless you like planes, are five, or have a favorite NASCAR driver. Those people get geeked up for any machine that goes fast. Weird. KONICHIWA.
I am in general disagreement with the notion of Michael Phelps as one of the greatest athletes of all time. I do think he is probably one of the greatest swimmers of all time, but swimming does not translate to athleticism. I mean, Michael Phelps looks like he would be extremely awkward with his extra long monkey torso playing pretty much any other sport, and that my friends, does not a great athlete make. Maybe water basketball he would exceed at, but not too much else. Jim Thorpe, apparently was a great athlete (as well as a legit firewater loving indian ((feather)), Bo Jackson, before being too great of an athlete and breaking his hip, was a great athlete. Deion Sanders, great athlete. Michael Phelps, great SWIMMER. Don't get it twisted.
Sometimes I get little snippets of ideas for things that would be great in standup routines, but I have yet to really muster up the courage to combine them all together and actually go on stage and perform them somewhere. The main reason, and I think this is a very valid reason- most standup routines have a little more than 45 seconds of material. It would be a short act, not necessarily leaving people the least bit fulfilled. Another issue is that so many things crack me up a great deal, so the things that I think that make me laugh might not be funny- like Beowulf related humor typically does not go over well with the masses. Didn't everyone have to read that?
The Air and Water Show was this weekend in Chicago, so much of my time at home this weekend made it sound like an air raid was about to start, and that, in fact, whatever club in Boys Town was blasting the techno remix of "The Roof is On Fire" would for the first time, be a soothsaying DJ. I don't understand what all this air and water show fuss is about unless you like planes, are five, or have a favorite NASCAR driver. Those people get geeked up for any machine that goes fast. Weird. KONICHIWA.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you, don't you?
I guess if you do think this blog is about you, then you are a really odd fish. Literally. Like some sort of strangely striped salmon or bass, with an odd attitude, a penchant for ethnic slurs and other racially devisive terminology coming out of your mouth, making you wonder why all the other fish stare at you. Probably because you use a computer, idiot. Or I guess I could take this in a nonfish direction, and think that there is some angry violent homeless man who regularly goes to the library to login in the internet and provied 31 of the 34 hits I receive to this blog. Each time he decides that his increasing anger regarding me writing a blog that is basically mocking his existence, he musters up the courage to leave a comment, but then remembers how long typing takes him since he lost all the ends of his fingers to frostbite last winter. Sorry homeless patronizer and subject of all my writings.
As I was heading to a party last week I lent some thoughts to the things people bring to parties and what you can tell about these people based on the items. And before I make it sound like I was just sitting around engaged in deep thought, I was just sitting around drinking some beers and watching the Cubs lose as I faded in and out of afternoon slumber, which is always the best time for deep afternoon thought.
The Guy Who Inexplicably Brings a Keg, Everytime, Even When You Are Trying to Keep Things a Little More Highbrow, you know, Because Your Grandma is There- You can't fault this guy. I mean really he is giving of his time, his money, and just really wants your party to be a fun time. But he will never get it. Sometimes it won't even be a party and here comes keg dude, to pre game, and he is late so there are only fiteen minutes left before you go out. Next thing you know you have a whole keg of some sweet ass apple juice beer like Coors Light sitting in a tub in your living room. But yeah, don't fault him, he just wants everyone to have a good time. Sometimes he does really get out of control with his charging for the keg, but only when you feed him brown liquor. (**Writer's Note- I sadly do not know this guy. Nor do any of my friends. We have been trying to find this guy to add to our fold. Applicants welcome)
The Guy Who Brings a 12 Pack of Snooty Beer, Implores Everyone to Share, But Sort of gets Mad when All His Beers are Gone After 15 Minutes and He Has to Drink Crap Beer- I always drink like four of this guys beers. Haha, that schmuck. I only bring a case of beer, and not great beer, when I call and ask if I should. Then I always get so pumped when I see the 11 Sierra Nevadas and excitedly ask whose they are and if I can have one. The guy always says, "Well yeah, I bought them for people to drink." Wrong choice of words, my friend. I will consume your beers as quickly as possible, and also, in the ultimate jerk move, hide one somewhere deep in the recesses of the fridge to grab one way later when all the other beers are gone. Don't be such a fool, and be on the lookout for me...
The Guy Who Always Makes the Offer to Bring Something, Usually Brings Nothing, and Preys on the Things Others Bring- I am more than willing to bring a case of beer, pickup some Jaeger or Red Bull for your party, but if you just tell me to bring something if I want to, the answer is no, no I do not want to. You have to be clear with me. Tell me to bring 68 beers, I will. For instance just last year before Vegas, I was talking to Brian and speaking generally about how since I was driving from California, I could use my Costco membership and bring copious amounts of liquor for our room, thus really changing the whole dynamic. Brian, knowing how I roll, then I believe expressly told me, "Bring 6 cases of beer, and five handles of liquor- but no tequila. And don't forget ice." Then I showed up with about 124 beers and five handles of liquor, a man of my word. And even more so, as I feel this is my role, I never ask for recompensation until I am drunk and ask you to buy every beer of mine when out that night.
The Guy Who Wants to Hookup With A Girl And Brings a Bottle of Tequila and Even Those Little Tiny Plastic Shot Glasses- We all know this guy, he is probably recently single, or just rather coquettish, and always trying to meet up with your girlfriends friends or your little sister or something like that. He means well enough, although his tactics can definitely be questioned. Women of the world, it is up to you to deal with this guy, you must implore him to do a shot with you, then somehow not do a shot and get him to do both. Then he ends up passed out, drawn on, with various amounts of toilet paper strewn about him. Eventually he learns that the bottle of tequila is not such a great idea.
The Guy Who Wants to Hookup With A Girl And Brings a Bottle of Schanppes- Just like the guy above, but on a little more of a budget. He, due to the decreased potentcy of his beverage, is one to be less weary of. And speaking of money...
The Guy Who Calls to Ask What To Bring Beforehand, Says He will Bring "Something", Then Just Shows Up With a 40- This guy tried to be polite, but he really needs to come to your party just to let loose since he has been so financially stressed lately. So he shows up with his 40 of King Cobra in a bag, then proceeds to drink from the keg, the snooty beer, the tequila, and the schnappes. After like the eighth party of the guy doing this, you know who he is and finally expect it from him. But nothing really needs to be done about him unless you have like eight of these friends and none of the other friends.
Wow, I am glad I was able to get that all out. I am trying to recommit to this bloggernautdom. Believe it or not, it has been nearly three years now of this nonsense getting spewed out to the world. Which is why, I will now, in this sentence, recommit to a weekly post, and in addition, in between, a daily segment called "20 Minutes", which will be exactly that, 20 Minutes of my writing. It might be funny, it might be autobiographical, it might be 78 haikus churned out. Stay tuned. Konichiwa.
As I was heading to a party last week I lent some thoughts to the things people bring to parties and what you can tell about these people based on the items. And before I make it sound like I was just sitting around engaged in deep thought, I was just sitting around drinking some beers and watching the Cubs lose as I faded in and out of afternoon slumber, which is always the best time for deep afternoon thought.
The Guy Who Inexplicably Brings a Keg, Everytime, Even When You Are Trying to Keep Things a Little More Highbrow, you know, Because Your Grandma is There- You can't fault this guy. I mean really he is giving of his time, his money, and just really wants your party to be a fun time. But he will never get it. Sometimes it won't even be a party and here comes keg dude, to pre game, and he is late so there are only fiteen minutes left before you go out. Next thing you know you have a whole keg of some sweet ass apple juice beer like Coors Light sitting in a tub in your living room. But yeah, don't fault him, he just wants everyone to have a good time. Sometimes he does really get out of control with his charging for the keg, but only when you feed him brown liquor. (**Writer's Note- I sadly do not know this guy. Nor do any of my friends. We have been trying to find this guy to add to our fold. Applicants welcome)
The Guy Who Brings a 12 Pack of Snooty Beer, Implores Everyone to Share, But Sort of gets Mad when All His Beers are Gone After 15 Minutes and He Has to Drink Crap Beer- I always drink like four of this guys beers. Haha, that schmuck. I only bring a case of beer, and not great beer, when I call and ask if I should. Then I always get so pumped when I see the 11 Sierra Nevadas and excitedly ask whose they are and if I can have one. The guy always says, "Well yeah, I bought them for people to drink." Wrong choice of words, my friend. I will consume your beers as quickly as possible, and also, in the ultimate jerk move, hide one somewhere deep in the recesses of the fridge to grab one way later when all the other beers are gone. Don't be such a fool, and be on the lookout for me...
The Guy Who Always Makes the Offer to Bring Something, Usually Brings Nothing, and Preys on the Things Others Bring- I am more than willing to bring a case of beer, pickup some Jaeger or Red Bull for your party, but if you just tell me to bring something if I want to, the answer is no, no I do not want to. You have to be clear with me. Tell me to bring 68 beers, I will. For instance just last year before Vegas, I was talking to Brian and speaking generally about how since I was driving from California, I could use my Costco membership and bring copious amounts of liquor for our room, thus really changing the whole dynamic. Brian, knowing how I roll, then I believe expressly told me, "Bring 6 cases of beer, and five handles of liquor- but no tequila. And don't forget ice." Then I showed up with about 124 beers and five handles of liquor, a man of my word. And even more so, as I feel this is my role, I never ask for recompensation until I am drunk and ask you to buy every beer of mine when out that night.
The Guy Who Wants to Hookup With A Girl And Brings a Bottle of Tequila and Even Those Little Tiny Plastic Shot Glasses- We all know this guy, he is probably recently single, or just rather coquettish, and always trying to meet up with your girlfriends friends or your little sister or something like that. He means well enough, although his tactics can definitely be questioned. Women of the world, it is up to you to deal with this guy, you must implore him to do a shot with you, then somehow not do a shot and get him to do both. Then he ends up passed out, drawn on, with various amounts of toilet paper strewn about him. Eventually he learns that the bottle of tequila is not such a great idea.
The Guy Who Wants to Hookup With A Girl And Brings a Bottle of Schanppes- Just like the guy above, but on a little more of a budget. He, due to the decreased potentcy of his beverage, is one to be less weary of. And speaking of money...
The Guy Who Calls to Ask What To Bring Beforehand, Says He will Bring "Something", Then Just Shows Up With a 40- This guy tried to be polite, but he really needs to come to your party just to let loose since he has been so financially stressed lately. So he shows up with his 40 of King Cobra in a bag, then proceeds to drink from the keg, the snooty beer, the tequila, and the schnappes. After like the eighth party of the guy doing this, you know who he is and finally expect it from him. But nothing really needs to be done about him unless you have like eight of these friends and none of the other friends.
Wow, I am glad I was able to get that all out. I am trying to recommit to this bloggernautdom. Believe it or not, it has been nearly three years now of this nonsense getting spewed out to the world. Which is why, I will now, in this sentence, recommit to a weekly post, and in addition, in between, a daily segment called "20 Minutes", which will be exactly that, 20 Minutes of my writing. It might be funny, it might be autobiographical, it might be 78 haikus churned out. Stay tuned. Konichiwa.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)