Decimal points, it turns out, are important, much to the delight of every sixth grade math teacher around the world. I guess way too many zeros on a number can also be a tad not helpful. So this all makes sense, allow me to tell you about the billboard that I saw the other day. It was at one of those VFW Posts and they had a sign advertising the food specials. It read “Friday All You Can Eat Fish Fry $7.99…Ham Sandwiches $350.00” So a few things could have led to this sign: 1) They were really really trying to sell the fish. 2)They only had one ham sandwich. Pure supply and demand situation. 3)The person who posted the prices on the board had no knowledge of numbers, decimals, or really that much at all (in fact I think fish may have been spelled “fush”) 4)Ham is far more delicious than the last time I ate it, and worth $350 for a sandwich. 5)Ham also has become a precious commodity. I think option number 4 is the most realistic.
So, this whole Exxon Valdez tanker spill thing happened a while back…something like 1988 (do not check any fact for historical accuracy as I really have no clue. Shut up as well). So I was only five at the time and remember nothing more about it except for the fact that for some reason all birds up in that region were really really covered in oil. I did not really put two and two together and figure that this was due to an oil spill, but rather I instead just thought that the water by Alaska and the animals there were just some oily fucks. Of course now that I am a wise old sage, I know that really a boat crashed, it was filled with oil, and this resulted in a bunch of oil being everywhere, animals learning to live in oil and make resulting Disney films about their love of living in oil (remember that song, “I love living in oil/ almost as much as I love Adonal Foyle/ living in water was no fun/ Bambi’s mom got shot with a gun), the TV series Northern Exposure, and the unfortunate comedy of Carrot Top.
But, in my sage old age, I also recently found out the reason for this oil tanker crashing: the captain of the boat was wasted, and was a known wastoid. This is fucking hilarious. The captain had a drinking problem that Exxon (and Valdez for that matter, who was always busy humping donkeys and was far more interested in coffee than oil than his older half brother, Pablo Exxon) knew about all along, had made him go to rehab for a few times, and were fully aware that he might still be drinking as he piloted around tankers. I also was fortunate enough to hear the audio of this drunken Captain (Morgan perhaps?) reporting his crash and subsequent spill to the Coast Guard. It sounded like your typical “Ummm, bro, I sort of parked your car really close to the stop sign.” “How close?” “Ummm…yeah, you might try and stand it up tomorrow after you move your car next.” “Are you serious?” The radio in to the Coast Guard might as well have been pretty much identical. “Ummm…this is the Captain of the Exxon Valdez, we may have hit something and seem to be leaking some oil.” “Bro, are you serious, just like a small leak or what?” “Ummm, sort of I hit a rock and all the millions of gallons of oil have left my ship. Like if you added vinegar right now you could make some serious salad dressing.” “Salad dressing is not made with that kind…that’s beside the point…are you wasted?” “(Giggling)”
So after hearing this story and finding that Exxon is trying to avoid paying some sort of crazy fine, I just want to laugh and also hear an update about the captain of that ship. Is he still making as many bad decisions? Has some major corporation enabled to wreak as much havoc yet or what?” Think of the other companies he could work for and the problems he could cause. (No this is not one of those times where I then list a few companies and take care of all the wit for you. Just imagine a really drunk dude working pretty much anywhere. It’s funny)
KONICHIWA.
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