Sometimes language and linguistics really throws some things for a loop. For instance, in French, you might casually say “Vous n’avez rien envier a Bob Dole, et aussi votre tete a la forme d’un pamplemousse.” A loving compliment, right? But what if I told you it means, “Bob Dole has nothing on you, and also your head is the shape of a grapefruit.” Not such a loving compliment anymore, is it? Alright, so that is not really the point of what I am talking about. What I want to talk about more are the words a “couple”and a “few”. A couple is two. A few is any number greater than two with no particular limit but not really some huge number. That is that. Things that are couples: two people dating, the little holes that you plug things into (obviously not a three pronged one…that’s like a freaky deeky plug),and ummm…lots more stuff. I can’t really think of any. Screw you. But if you too casually toss around this word when you don’t actually mean it or just substitute a few when you mean actually just two …well it can lead to some trouble: allow me to give some examples:
r) god tells Noah to just bring a “few” of each animal. Chaos ensues. Next thing you know the 27 panthers Noah brought have eaten all seven chickens. Noah then gets hungry and eats the first ever panther stuffed with chicken. A Serbian national dish is born (best with side of cous cous infused in zucchini oils)
7) Man asks new girlfriend out of shameless curiosity how many other men she has “been with”. She says a few. He interprets that she has made films where records for sleeping with men are broken in 28 minutes.
XVIILB) Morbidly obese man at Hooters orders (due to some sort of odd speech pattern and vernacular) a “couple of da wings and a couple of da fries”. The waitress, a blonde who takes everything extremely literally yet cannot define the word literally, brings him two chicken wings and two fries. The morbidly obese man is so irate he eats a large portion of the Midwest, including Omaha, Nebraska. *Based on a true story.
Those new Cadillac commercials where Grey’s Anatomy lady says all that stuff about the car and then creepily utters, “But the real question is, when you turn your car on, does it return the favor?” I NEVER WANT TO LIKE A CAR THAT MUCH. (not to even begin to think about the driving difficulties posed for males/ potential ordeals with law enforcement should you be pulled over ((next thing you know you are canvassing neighborhoods telling them how you are a stage 2 sexual predator just because your car was so sexually appealing to you…you creepshow)) Cadillac, gear this back a little bit. Sure, your newly designed autos look pretty flipping sweet, but I do not think psychologists even have come up with a term for carsexual, unless the word is just that, carsexual. I guess I do know some creepy people that might actually be into that sort of stuff, people who are always talking about their “plans for their exhaust” or “what they put in their tank” or “how they did it in their trunk with a freaky girl/tranny hooker”. (actually there is a hilarious SNL skit about a car you can do…follow this link to watch it…)
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x11ok_pub-mercury-mistress_ads
As the winter roads are continually ravaged by snow, plows, angry moles, Mexicans, jackhammers, people with chained up tires, and a neverending ebb and flow of ice and water, a large number of potholes have emerged. I’ll admit, some of these potholes are incredibly large and have definitely inflicted a great number of flat tires. So, yeah, watch out for them, but no, do not slow down to a stop to drive through them at 2 miles per hour. Maybe this would not bug me as much if the main culprits of this slowing and stopping assholish maneuver were people who had Jeeps. Isn’t your vehicle supposed to be ruggedly driving over woodland creatures, yet you cannot handle a small bump in the road? Oh, that’s logical. Way to support your hardcore, flannel wearing, Jack drinking image by being afraid of these tiny holes. Candyasses. I drive a Honda Accord and am simply always trying to reach some sort of speed to fly over these potholes. I am a man though.
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