I know, I know...I;ve been slacking. My blogs have been flying up about as fast as a sloth moves (which, by the way, much respect for sloths...whatever slow, dumb witted animal can sleep 18 hours but always parties 24?), about as fast as Rascal scooters for the elderly move, as rapidly as postcards sent from 1948 Kansas arrive at their destination (wasn't this some recent news story where a postcard took until this year to arrive? I think so. If I'm wrong, then fuck you.) But, logically, there is a reason for this slowdown....okay, no there is not. I can offer no real explanation as to why I have been able to plop down at my computer and pound out 20 minutes worth of ill grammared drivel. I did hire a room full of monkeys to pound at keyboards, and hopefully rather than produce a Shakespearean work, instead produce something I could publish as my own, but all they were interested in were feces flinging contests, which I obviously joined without putting up too much shit (ZING!). So, I have thought of some funny stuff, and I am going to try and put it into words, and if not words then at the very least into a complex rebusfor you to solve and and question my hatred for native Turkenmenistans and Djiboutians.
So, as any not blind people may have noticed the last few years, the funny t-shirt is huge right now. My sisters just got me a great one for Christmas that says "It's Mother Fuckin Booze Time". Classic pure stated elegance. However, just as MC Hammer pants (whatever the hell they actually were) once began to saturate the market, just how evey clothing trend I choose eventually picks up, I am beginning to wonder if it is time to move away from the funny t-shirt...like quite the opposiute; serious t-shirts. I am seriously wondering if I started wearing these, if other people would want to jump on board. Naturally, at first they would be seen as shirts so serious that they were funny, until I eventually would state that I was serious about how serious they were. Here are some examples of shirts I would wear:
"James Madison: Our Nation's 4th President"
"Tetris: I think it was made in Russia"
"Beer Is Made of Fermented Hops and Barley"
"You Cannot Dig a Hole to China"
"Ketchup is Made of Tomatoes"
"Germans Just Sound Really Angry"
I really think this idea could catch on. It would be one of those uber trendy things that eventually everyone would start doing and I would switch back to actual funny shirts (I still really want to get a "You say potato, I say fuck you" and a "Drink Apple Juice, OJ Will Kill You" shirt, but I might have to wait to wear them until after my serious t shirt agenda is finished.
A few months ago or something like that, Miller introduced an ignorant new product, Miller Chill, which I believe they intended to compete with Corona...just one problem Miller Chill has the lime juice and salt already mixed into it, Corona you can add that as much or as little as you want. This whole idea of making a pre mixed beer is disgusting. I have had one of these Miller Chill in my life and have since tried to rampage and break every bottle that I have seen since, which has caused me to get kicked out of seven bars, made me get into 15 fights, and I had to buy a case of Pink Lemonade Snapple for a homeless man due to a lost bet involving this Miller Chill. So, what's next beer and liquor industry? Worry not assholes, I have some ideas for you:
When a patron at a bar orders their 17th beer of the night, along with a shot, go ahead and add some puke in one of them. It's coming up at some point anyways.
When you order a shot of tequila or buy a bottle of tequila and do not clearly state that you are buying it as a gift for someone, the buyer or taker of the shot should just get punched in the face. If they wish, they should also be allowed to yell an ethnic slur beforehand since that is what you might be doing later anyways.
Bottles of whiskey will come with a list of ethnic/racial slurs to shout out. You will be doing this anyways. (Evidently I think pretty much all liquor induces slurs. Not from me. Mainly from Paul and Brian)
I do not believe that I have yet to comment at all on the Mitchell Report. I know how the players feel who were named in that report as due to my sometime crazy mood swings, have been accused of being on steroids. But then people would look at me and realize that I had very little muscle and did not have a giant head (it is pretty big, but not steroid big) . But, Stephen Colbert had a simple response to the steroid problem in baseball..to paraphrase: "If the main effects of baseball players doing steroids is that the youth will think it is a good idea to do them, then I have some words for the youth: Don't suck. If you do suck, do what you need to do to get by without ending up as an insurance salesman." Something like that was what he said, and it was so funny it was true. I really don't care if anyone did steroids, it still takes incredible skill to hit a 95mph fastball, to see a pitch and hit it, as well as to acquire a woman with your tiny tiny balls. So kudos, Barry Bonds.
That is all I have to offer for now, but I promise I will be back soon. KONICHIWA
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