The other day when I innocently enough logged in to Yahoo to check on some fantasy sports when this story headline caught my eye (and actually it was not even a headline, it was like the 7th story down...poor, poor man) "MAN KILLED BY GANG OF WILD MONKEYS".
Sorry MAN, but I chuckled my ass off at your demise. I cannot think of many more headlines about death that I could read on Yahoo and have such a fine chuckle and immeidately shout the headline out to everyone else within listening range. Paul even said that should he die in an attack perpetrated by a gang of wild monkeys, he wants everyone to enjoy a fine chuckle, a guffaw, maybe even a knee slap/crying from laughing humor in addition to bringing tiny stuffed monkeys and wearinf Hawaiian shirts at his funeral. I say, how could we not laugh it up? Just wrap your mind around it, GANG OF WILD MONKEYS. You see some monkeys walking down the street, throw up the wrong gang sign or wear the wrong color, and next thing you know, you're getting a Chiquita slammed down your throat.
So, here are some other funny ways to bite it:
Unclogging a Sink- I only mention this because the other night Logan and I were trying to unclog a sink and first used baking soda and vinegar along with some hot water. This did nothing so we then used some Draino. I mentioned "What if this blew us all up right now? It would probably look like some cult suicide with boht the state of this house and my bed haphazardly thrown on the floor in the next room."
Getting a Bean or Marble Stuck in your Nose
Trying to Float Away in a Chair with Balloons tied to it to float away
And Darwin Award favorite, farting in a room with not enough ventilation so that your own gas kills you.
Lately for some reason I have had an extreme problem with exaggeration, particularly when it is numerically related. A few weeks ago I declared that the Cubs were going to score 27 runs in one third of an inning. Obviously this did not happen. After Randy Moss caught his second TD of the first half last week and his 11th of the season, I quickly asked if he was going to catch 100. When someone asked for odds on the Rams to win the Super Bowl or something like that, I threw out 75,000,000-1. I have no clue what has gotten into me. I am just like one of those little kids who has no sense of how numbers actually work. What's two plus two? Threeve?
A couple weeks ago my Mom was kind enough to purchase me some new dress shoes. They are very stylish. But there is only one problem: they have spent the last couple weeks trying to MURDER my feet. I actually no longer have a left heel and only one toe remains on my right foot, so I guess it really takes care of all my shoes sizing problems. Am I supposed to oil these shoes up and put some string around them with a baseball in it? I am not sure. Instead I just keep wearing them, and being manly...at least until the gangrene from all the wounds sets in and becomes too much to bear.
THAT IS ALL. I have things to do. Like finding a life.
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