I’m Looking The Most Jewish I Have Ever Looked

So, one week is on the books of this “Cal-eye-forn-eye-a” grand experiment. And unlike when I last wrote about how I had a “job”, I now actually have a job. Like, a real one, where you show up for 40 hours a week and are appropriately compensated for doing so. Not one where you show up on occasion, work for a smelly lady who makes shitty, healthy, cookies (oxymoron anyone?) and then are promptly terminated for not looking at an entertainment center. But, I am still watching myself, like a angry vigilante watches over whomever he might be busy vigilante-izing, to assure I avoid being a total flake, which was thankfully pointed out for me by a smelly organic cookie woman (why does roughly 78% of my life sound fictional? Is character development really just a matter of getting these people on paper accurately?).

Some observations thus far:

z) According to two separate receptionists, I must be Jewish. I can only assume that they were Jewish themselves and inquiring to make sure they were keeping it in the faith. Because aside from the cheerios which are now beginning to abundantly sprout atop my head, I don’t think I have any other typical stereotypical Jewish appearance or mannerisms (normal sized nose, I did nothing stingy, I gratuitously ate pork products in their presence while mixing dairy and meat, etc.)(I’m just playing friends). I had to let them down softly and inform them that I was in fact part of a cult that worships the Kool-Aid man.

7) Some of these L.A. people are fruity as they come. There is no way around it. They are like a freshly stocked produce department at Whole Foods.
LMCXVIII) Having the beach nearby is about as awesome as finding two rare albino pandas getting it on your backyard, you know, since they are all endangered and never want to make babies, and the albino thing would make them even rarer. Which means cash money. Don’t mind the fact that they are bears, just get them some more bamboo, scented candles, and get the fuck out of the way, you inglorious prick.

11011100) Wearing the t-shirt I am currently wearing, which features a picture of Christopher Walken atop skull and crossbones and says “Fear the Walken”, may in fact be the best single way to meet people. I went down to the promenade in Santa Monica this evening and no less 15 people commented on either my shirt, Christopher Walken himself, some combo thereof, or the political consequences of having a lady president. It only could have been better if the Walken man himself would have seen me. Now that would have been a tale. Because I do not really fear him, so much as think he is awesome.

405) The 405 freeway should be eradicated, or merely recognized for what it is, which is the world’s first North/South parking lot. Also, people make fun of you for calling those roads of fast travel “expressways”. They also make fun of you for not doing yoga, getting massages, or eating organically. Then I in turn make fun of them for some general fact about their appearance (like their hunchback..alright so I have yet to ever get made fun of by someone with a hunchback, but if I do…look out hunchbacky), or their deaf cousin. When they say they don’t have a deaf cousin, I usually resort to a tale about myself and the person’s Mother. That’ll show them to make fun of me.

iii) Everyone here seems to be in the “business”. That is why I eagerly avoid mention of the fact that I have up to seven times made people laugh before, and once even achieved this with something I wrote, or that I have plans of aiming for a second or third time while I am out here. That way the only business I get caught up in is when I accidentally realize I am a major kingpin in a prostitution ring, when the whole time I thought I was just setting people up and due to the success of the relationships people were then paying me money.

AAA) People in Los Angeles are evidently quite into living beyond their means. A movie is $10.75 (so if you are a lady and I take you to a movie and pay for you, you are doing okay for yourself. Actually, that holds true anywhere, but here movies are evidently gold. Which makes very little sense, as it is not like they have to ship them anywhere), single bedroom apartments on the Westside are crazy expensive, everyone loves shopping at Whole Foods, and I went up to someone to ask them a question the other day, and they automatically (and correctly I guess) assumed I was homeless and gave me $5. So, naturally I did not ask them anything.