The world's first analyst/therapist.....an analrapist

Due to illness last week, I did not post anything (and if a tree falls in the forest and kills the entire cast of Dynasty, who cares? I know, I know). And by illness, yes I do mean actual illness...congestion, sore throat, coughing, sneezing....all bad stuff. It turns out that I actually had strep throat and a sinus infection. Which makes me raise this question to my immune system: Is my apathy towards my job really a reason for you to not fight off infection and illness? Seriously now, whities (that is how I affectionately refer to my white blood cells) and lymphies (lymph nodes) I know you guys better than this, and you are skilled at staving off actual illness. So the next time I take a sick day from work, or two, as was the case last week, just let it be because I am choosing to do so because work is stupid, not so I actually can lay around all day feeling like dookie. Really guys, step it up a notch.

Of course right now is the time of year referred to in the accounting world (not be confused with other cool worlds like the Underworld, The World According to Garp, or one of the best, Sake World....world is a really weird word too) as "tax season". Henceforth known to me as "Time of Year where my co-workers run around like chickens with their heads cut off, I have to show up for work on Saturdays, and my job function does not change at all since I am not an accountant, nor do I do taxes". So work is even more fun right now, as these socially inept people respond inappropriately to stress by being mean to me and giving me actual work tasks. And when Logan and I showed up at 9 the day after the Super Bowl, we got a speech that included words like "swamped" and "on time" and "lots of work"...I think, I just sort of zoned out for most of it though.

I currently have a watch on which the battery died several months ago. The time the watch is currently displaying, and will continue to do so until I get a new battery, is 3:40. I have been making a very aware attempt for the last few weeks to throw on the watch around 3:40 everyday, just in case anyone should ask me what time it is. No one ever does, sadly, and the watch remains generally useless.

As promised when I last wrote, I would respond to any questions put forth by the general readership in a mailbag Q and A style section this week. Luckily my readership is either: a)illetirate b)as apathetic as my immune system is to my work apathy situation c)developed mentally disabled d)lacking any curiosity in to how I would wittily respond to your questions. So, I was able to pull one question from one person, and the other I will make up, this week. If I request questions for next week will my request simply fall on deaf ears (or blind eyes I guess, since I am not talking to anyone) again? Really guys, step it up a notch.

Q) (Bryce, Chicago, IL) Tim, do they still really only want you for your pimp juice...or is it something more?

A) First of all, let us turn to philosopher/rapper Nelly for a definition of what exactly pimp juice is:

Nelly defined pimp juice as:

"Now your pimp juice is anything/attract the opposite sex/It could be money, fame, or straight intellect/It don't MATTER!/ Bitches got the pimp juice too/Come to think about it dirty, they got more than we do/They got mo'...juice in they talk,/ got mo' juice in they walk/They got mo'...juice in they pants, OOH GODDAMN!/I tell you man it's a cryin shame.... /how people use, the juice in vain/ - you hear me mayne (man)/Pimp juice is color blind/You find it work on all color, creeds, and kinds/From ages 50 right down to 9

And after reading that I am still not really sure what it is aside from something used to woo the opposite sex, and evidently women have more of it. However, Nelly also expresses a sentiment in the song that he has a problem with women only desiring him due to this pimp-y type juice. I used to display a similar sign in my dorm room, and I do feel they still do desire me only due to this juice, but if you cut to the core of it, it is the only reason for desirous actions in the first place, since it is anything that attracts the opposite sex, and my flaws do not have the same effect.

Q)Who would win in a fight, a velociraptor, or Carl Winslow?

A)The velociraptor, while fear inducing, would be no match for the moral, and armed Carl Winslow. This is not really even that hard of a question.