Calm yourselves minions, the title was not an actual pickup line or anything I have ever used in some feeble attempt to pickup women (for those feeble attempts I usually tell the story about the time I saved puppies and senior citizens from that fire, or show them pictures of Wrigley, or carry around a picture of babies playing with puppies in sunflower fields...or seek Trevor's advice on the situation...ZING!) but rather an example of a line I would use if I was on the MTV dating show NEXT! For those of you not familiar with the bountiful genre of dating shows MTV now offers, prepare to be immersed in a skillet of bubbling oil, greed, and corruption that you'll wish you had never known. Mainly I wish I had never known about these dam catchy shows.
So...NEXT....there is one person who has five people, usually of the opposite sex (although sometimes the same which turns it into the best episodes because then the people on the bus get it on with each other) vying to win their hand for a second date. The five people sit on a bus together, acting like idiots, and the one person if finding unfavor either with the physical appearance or due to sheer boredom or creeped-outedness say NEXT and the next person comes out.
As each of the five introduces themself, they say something totally weird like in the title of this entry. Seriously. This show is very entertaining for that reason alone. Here are some other fun made up ones.
"I'm Tim, and if you ever wondered what Malibu Ken was wearing, just look!"
"I'm Tim, and I always eat EVERYthing that is on my plate."
"I'm Tim, I am afraid of robots, but not of you!"
Very witty stuff here people.
Another fine show in the MTV Family of dating programs is the aptly named "Date My Mom". One guy goes on three dates, with three Moms, and based on that chooses one daughter. What pure comedic trash brilliance. This would be, by far, the hardest show to pick someone based upon because who knows what genes and mannerisms are getting passed down the daughter. Unfortunately, only one time in my viewing of this show have I ever had the fortune of seeing a guy go for the daughter of a Mom who was very attractive to be stuck with her genetically inbred daughter. The look on that guy's face was one of complete bewilderment and fear. Then the girl ate him, so his fears were VERY real.
BUT, although I thoroughly enjoy watching those two shows, my very favorite, yet at the same time the one that really makes me wonder about our society, is one called "Parental Control", which I may haved spoken of in this space before.
The premise of this one is that the parents of the son/daughter have a problem with their child's significant other, and so the obvious route is to bring this to cable TV, where you will have the opportunity for each parent to pick out a "date" for their child, which the parents will then watch video of with the significant other. I mean, duh....it is the only way to get through those times when your kid is going out with someone you do not like....how could a normal conversation ever work? You MUST pick someone new for them and then watch the video feed with the current girlfriend/boyfriend. Sadly (or more obviously then anything else) the child normally sticks with their girlfriend/boyfriend rather then one of the people they had spent an hour with. Humorously, I have a feeling my parents secretly would have loved to have put me on this show when I was going out with my last girlfriend. And I would never end up on this show, parents have a thing for me.
Although these MTV dating shows can provide quite a bit of fodder, real life things go on too, like the other night when I went to see The Killers. Although my sister Eileen suggested, "Try to nail Brandon Flowers in the head with a full bottle of water so he falls down. It would be an awesome story," I kept on the straight and narrow, somehow refraining from hurling any objects at anyone throughout the entire performance. Though I was most tempted when they tried playing some of their new crap rather than songs off their first album that people had actually heard. Please bands, if you just came out with a new album two weeks prior, keep it to the first single. Also, in what I expressed in a joking manner to Brian and Shannon on the way to the show, but very much hoped for, I wished the band would have come out and said "We know you came here to see us tonight, but we want to honor our very favorite band, Smashmouth"...and then they would go right into All-Star, by Smashmouth. I would be happy if they played only Smashmouth (or throw in some random band that would be weird to be covered here) or even this one song, and then told the shocked audience that they were just screwing around. It was a fun time. The Killers did not quite kill, it may have been more of a maiming or ferocious beatdown.
That is all. And unless you comment, kittens die, and I go to bed every night not knowing that you care.
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