Catapult me to fame, everyone I know (or else you get a knuckle sandwich)

While other blogistas are suffering from creative difficulties (J. Mulgrew, or Jason M. for anonymity purposes as I would never want to tear down a fellow creative mind in this space) I seem to be experiencing a flow of ideas that could only be likened to Niagara Falls, or maybe something profane like the liquid that might flow out of your body after eating White Castle and drinking beer (ewwwwwwwww.....that was so gross...but you get the idea). However, I feel at times that my creative musings are being wasted and falling on deaf ears because people just don't know about me, or about much of anything in general. So here is the game plan for catapulting me to fame. Everyone embrace your role, and once I am famous, I might let you do my yard work or something, with occasional water breaks.

Mom and Dad, you always said if there was ever ANYTHING I needed to let you know. Well what I need from you is to buy a billboard. On the billboard will be only two things: 1)The most vile racial slur/epithet that we can come up with (and you might be saying, but Tim, we are not extreme racists....and I am not either, I'll explain momentarily), and underneath that, the web address to this blog. I want this slur to be so vile that Ed Bradley is doing a story about it on 60 minutes, and then people will wonder, "Is that website one of racism and offensiveness?" and come visit this site, read of my humor, and shortly thereafter wish to feed me grapes and other fruits while I am fanned with palms and whatnot. So thanks Mom and Dad, you guys are the best.

Friends (non-female)- I will need you to let me move in with you and also to provide me with food...and liquor. This should only be for about a year or so, and after that I will pay you back by way of you getting to be in my entourage, which if you don't know much about entourages, they usually are pretty sweet.

Friends (female)- I was reading something about the writing creative process and it turns out it is very helpful to have girls in nurse costumes give the writer a spongebath at least once daily. If you guys do your part that would be great.

(also, you guys can e-mail the link of this website to anyone you know who likes to read funny stuff, that would be helpful too)

Jack Daniels corporation- I am not sure if anyone from this reads this blog, but I really love your whiskey product, and a couple barrels of it would be most helpful. I would even mention your product in my books, movies, and weekly in this spot....free advertising

All others, I really enjoy a fine rhythmic clap, so you can just stand around doing that everytime you see me. It would definitely help with the creative process.

So there, everyone has their roles, carry them out and you should know at least one famous person in no time.

Now some thoughts:

This past week I was out and my friend Melissa told some other guys that I was her best friend, and although we are best friends and I have no problem with it being so, when a girl tells other guys this information, a little known fact is that one of two phrases actually go into their ears:

1)"Tim is gay."

OR

2)"I keep Tim's balls in a jar at home."

This is a little known fact that women do not know about such phrases as this is that men actually have tiny translation devices just outside their eardrums that translate many phrases women say to us. Some others include:

When you say, "I'm really tired tonight, let's just cuddle"

we hear: "Cuddle with me for five minutes and then collect all the sex you want."

When you say, "I love eating pizza, but can we ever go out on a romantic date?"

we hear: "I love pizza too. Maybe later you can collect all the sex you desire."

When you say, "I'd really appreciate it if you would just lose my number and stop calling me at 4am"

we hear: "Call me the next time you are drunk, please....and I think I am in love with you."

If you want anymore translations, let me know.

Lately it seems that rather than a driving test, people should be given some sort of intelligence test. Because people just aren't getting it. I do not wish to share a lane with you on the highway. Unless you have some sort of half plasma car that will shrink down or just mold with the side of my car, if you merge into my lane with me, the results will not be good, and I know this because I had a couple years of physics in high school. Or because some obvious thoughts in my head say, "These extremely large metal heaps moving at 60 mph probably should not touch one another." Also, at 4 way stops, the random order or rolling stops that I have seen employed lately are really stupid. The 4 way stop was not a puzzle created by God to cause mental conundrums for humans. And the next person that rolls to a stop and tries driving out at me when I am still going through the intersection, I will not hesitate to stop my car, get out of my car, and come have a little chat with you. (this is not road rage, and the reason why I took that set of butcher knives out of my car)

I seem to have missed it entirely, and no one really pointed it out either, but this blog recently celebrated its one year anniversary. Ummm....so yes. What a grand achievement.

Thanks and that is all.