This upcoming weekend should be an epic one. Not epic like the Odyssey or like anything of any real importance or not even worthy of having a once proud word like epic placed near it. Alright I am not going to lie, I am just pumped up for the fantasy football draft (which people keep referring to as "the fantasy draft", which makes it sound like some sort of fantasy involving a draft, which could really only be a fantasy where you imagine getting picked number 1, going up there in your ugly suit, and shaking hands with the commish while putting on a hat). Fantasy football offers a whole other like 15 hours of things to look at during the work week. And, it also gives me a glimpse of this whole other side I have never known about myself, where I spend hours compiling Excel spreadsheets for the league with weird statistics.
There are a few types of people in a fantasy league, and it is always best to just be the cocky winning kind and not one of the other ones.
The Idiot- This guy sucks. He doesn't even really follow football, but his lack of friends and social interaction time make him want to be in the league. You can usually convince him to do some ridiculous trade, but obviously then everyone else gets angry and it is not allowed.
The Stingy Dude- This guy is like the Billy Beane of fantasy football. He has a shoe string budget and puts together a decent team, but his lack of spending will never propel him to the top. And he complains about the money a lot.
Guy who sets lineups weeks in advance and generally does not care- Not to be confused with the idiot, this guy is like the opposite of the stingy dude. He paid for a good team, paid league fees and that nonsense, but sets his starting lineup through week 9 and does not even check to see if he won. And then you have people like Brian and me keeping track of scores on post it notes dedicatedly. (oooo I am excited)
Guy who drinks too much Beer at the Draft and Makes some ignorant trade like Shaun Alexander for Michael Vick and Lamont Jordan- Unfortunately, this was me last year. I evidently decided my second QB was not good enough and I needed fantasy dickwad Michael Vick (he is always so enticing, but never that good). Fuck me on this one.
So, this year should be phenomenal. I love football season.
The mustache for Vegas is going to be exceptionally creepy this year as I have been growing out the goatee since August 1st. It itches like none other and made someone ask the other day if I was 30. I don't really like it at all, but if I can frighten some women and children with the stache, my life is complete.
My two friends Bryce and Melissa (Melissa, who only seldom reads this) are always being all whiny about not being in the blog. I keep telling them they have to do something funny and even then randomly hope I write about it, since this shit ain't exactly planned. So, I have decided to insert their names and some adjectives into a Mad Lib.....that should make them happy.
Amusement Parks (from some Mad Libs website)
Bryce and Melissa decided to hit up Six Flags. It should be known that an amusement park is always fun to visit on a hot summerhippo vagina. Bryce really does love those hippos, which is weird since he is a human...and Melissa...let's not go there. When you get there, you can rent aLucky Charm Man and go for a swim. Rent? Steal? Abduct? Whatever works. And there are lots of smelly things to eat, since these two smell bad 95% of the time anyway, they can't tell it smells. You can start off with a hot dog ona giraffe with mustard, relish, and moose on it. And their taste in food is not exactly what I would call mouth watering. Then you can have a buttered ear of firehose with a nice grimy slice of watermelon and a big bottle of cold Bacardi 151. Yummm...what alcoholics would not love a nice cold refreshing bottle of Bacardi 151? When you are full, it's time to go on theroller coaster, which should settle your lubricant which they both were a little presumptive in applying anyways...you weirdos. Other amusement park rides are the Dodge-Em which has little negros, that you drive and run into other anal beads, this is really the ride where it is at. And they both get down like that.and the Merry-Go-Round where you can sit on a big turd and try to grab the gold paper as you ride past, which is like the hunt for the Golden Ticket in Willy Wonka gone horribly awry.
I am too funny for my own good.
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