I am not really too sure why when people I have just met find out I toil at an accounting firm, they are always shocked. "But you are so fun," or "But you drink SO much," or "Why are you capable of staying out so late on weeknights?" and the occasional "That was very presumptive if you, you are lucky you are not homeless and unemployed as I originally thought." I seriously do wonder what these people had thought I did with my life. Seriously, if you were to see some of the surprised looks you would feel the same way. (these looks feel like I have just told people that I am in fact a hemaphrodite, and don't feel bad about enjoying the lapdance....except minus like three levels of surprise). True, if the tables were turned and I had to figure out what I did based on say, a Wednesday night escapade, my guesses would include things like: professional drinker, rich kid living off of daddy's dime, hobo or even something really awesome like mall security guard. So, basically no one of any importance to anyone else in the corporate world, which I some how am (but let's not stretch this too much, I am not that important as my company will discover when I leave them). But, a quick analysis of the external factors might help to figure out this accountant shock (which, in all fairness, I guess I am only employed by a company that happens to do accounting, not that I am anything close to an accountant. For God's ((respect)) sake, one of my big "project's" at one point in time this year was making thousands of copies for an audit because my boss wanted to make more money. I would have thrown it in his face, and refused to make copies if it were not the most work I had done in a long, long time.)
So, external factors:(mainly Wednesday night, and if only Wednesday night, ONLY this summer)
-Drunkardly
-Usually dressed in a humorous t-shirt (or a Polo if I feel, as Trevor would say, "elegant")
-Carousing with many other fun loving people and from time to time trying to be funny and the center of attention. Awww hell, I am always trying to be funny. It has really started to interfere with my life, like in situations where people want seriousness, like at the bank ("Sir, do you have your deposit slip?" "No, (shuffles through pockets) this is really a hold up!" (shot with taser by bank teller) "I was just kidding, I was just kidding!")
-Usually perform some awful karaoke.
-Have done many pushups in a bar
With all these factors in mind, can't I be what I am (wow, that was deep), a young recent college grad who works as a pointless corporate monkey and has mucho fun with his friends? I guess having misled several people previously and informing them that I had worked in such professions as professional hopscotch player, muse, ornithologist, or nail salon owner, I don't have that much room to complain. (By the way, all of these professions are excellent conversation starters, but ESPECIALLY muse and ornithologist. Most people don't know what a muse is, and if they do, they have questions about how someone can be employed in such a manner. As for ornithologist (a bird expert) this works best in an outdoor setting so that you can act extremely enthusiastic about any bird that flies by. Just trust me on this one)
Airport travel was supposed to be getting more secure and safer and stuff, right? Yet the other day on my fine Air-Tran flight (which only made me think of Air "I plead da fif" Tron Airlines) when I was checking in, the only reason I ended up showing my ID was because I was already prepared to do so and had thrust my ID in the worker's face, thus prompting her to ask "Oh yeah, your ID". Not that I am one of those pansies that is afraid of terrorism (yay my blog was just "discovered" by several federal agencies...hooray!). In fact, I would love to see one of those guys try to hijack a plane I am on....you want some inappropriate anger? You can bet they would be scared of the angry 6'4" guy coming at them when they are armed with a knitting needle and toenail clippers. Please don't let me read about "beefed-up security", "better employees" or "friendlier homeless people" when it seems I could have just waltzed in. But, I do look quite friendly. I guess my extremely friendly appearance always helps.
And now for the first ever As Carl Winslow. Carl Winslow was the black cop Dad everyone yearned to have next door in the early 90's (especially if you were a dorky black science geek in love with neighbor's daughter). Now, you too can ask for advice.
Dear Officer Winslow,
I have been having an ant problem in my kitchen, please help!!!!
-Annoyed in AZ
Laura!!!!! Did Steve have anything to do with this? For such a smart kid he sure does screw up a lot! Harriet! What are we going to do to fix this before the commisioner gets here? In all my years on the force, I've never dealt with anything like this.
Dear Carl,
I think my wife is cheating on me with the janitor at her office, which makes it doubly insulting.....what should I do?
-Dishonored and degraded in DeKalb
Steve! I understand you just wanted to give to give everyone a Christmas display they would not forget, but now we are stuck on the roof on Christmas Eve...with no ladder! Awww....Steve.....don't cry...here, here, ok, ok I'm Santa and I'm happy.
Dear Officer Winslow,
I killed a man. This cannot be good. Not good at all.
- Killer in an undisclosed locale
Robbie, Laura, even when your Mom and I, or your grandmother get in a fight, we still love each other and we'll still always be family. No matter what. Family is all you have sometimes. Remember that.
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