Thoughts while thinking....por favor TOO TASTY

A lot has gone down since last week. I attended a Candle and Rose at Dominican, had a whirlwind KY Derby trip, and....well that is pretty much it. But it seems like a lot.

Candle and Rose is this ceremony at Dominican where the graduating class (The Candle) picks someone to be their Rose and their is a ceremony with the exchanging of the two things. I had participated in all of the last four. It is always a sweet ass time of drinking as well. So this year I was supposed to partake, but some things happened and I was not even going to go. I did not need anything to ruin my Cinqo de Mayo. But then I ended up going and for the first time, watching the ceremony rather than participating in it. It was pretty cool, sort of boring but still pretty cool. And I sat with the Plovanich family and we enjoyed some delicious adult beverages, and then three of us peed on Mrs.P's minivan. Sounds dirty, I know, but Joe, Sarah, and I all had to go, and we did not actually pee ON it, but rather in close proximity to it. Then we went to the beer garden and everyone drank to their merry delight.

No less then 4 hours after I arrived home, I woke up to depart for the whirling dervish KY adventure. It was kickass. The drive, the party, pretty much everything kicked ass. There was drinking, a Goulet off, a fine death metal performance, some Mack the Knife, a stolen can of garbanzo beans, a skirmish to the death and even a Proctor sighting.

I would like to take this opportunity to once again note: IF SOMETHING FUNNY IS OCCURING AND I AM AROUND, DO NOT MENTION "OH I KNOW THIS IS GOING IN THE BLOG" OR "THIS IS GOING IN THE BLOG, IS IT NOT?" YOU KNOW WHAT, NO IT'S NOT. I LIKE TO THINK I HAVE CREATIVE CONTROL OVER WHAT GOES IN HERE. AND IF SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPENS, IT MIGHT GET MENTIONED, IT MIGHT NOT. I AM NOT A GOOD ENOUGH WRITER TO PAINT A CLEAR PICTURE OF EVERY, OR IN FACT ANY, SITUATIONS SUCH THAT THEY CAN BE SEEN AS FUNNY. I TRY, BUT OFTEN IT IS A BATTLE SIMILAR TO A BABY FIGHTING RICKETS, JUST LET LIFE TAKE ITS COURSE. AND ALSO I ENJOY MY ORANGE JUICE PULP FREE. THANK YOU.

I have been thinking lately that I would love to be a writer...all the time. However, until I was able to write something worth publishing (other then this writing which is really like gravel in a freshly asphalted world) I would not really be able to support myself. I would therefore like to extend an invitation to myself from someone I know. You should let me live on your couch, I will do your laundry, make your food, and do your bidding with the devil, as well as have occasional rendez-vous with homeless people in your house while you are at work. When I put it that way, it doesn't sound too shabby, does it? And if I didn't feel like doing any of that stuff I wouldn't, because I would be a moody British writer. Yes, British.

The other night Christi and I were kind enough to help Brian with the painting of his room which had previously been made a joke by the painting stylings of one Paul Stover, who paints as if applying extra paint and pressure would help the situation...he is basically the Juggernaut of painters. So if I ever have a house and want to have a funny looking room, I know who to enlist to help me. So Christi mainly painted, I supervised and Brian did some painting too. I am an excellent supervisor. Worker morale was high, there was very little tension, I kept up with Union and OSHA rules, and even sexually harrassed people when the situation was deemed appropriate according to the handbook of supervisory rules. I did not really paint since I was once called "one of the worst painters in the history of mankind....in fact Jackson Pollack would have been a better choice you nimrod...seriously, have you been checked for Down's Syndrome? I don't mean to offend you, but seriously".

Jason Whitlock is a writer on the Page 2 section of Espn.com and frequently starts his column with little love notes he receives from celebrity women...totally fictionalized of course, but slightly witty all the same. To outdo him and everyone else in the world, here is my love LETTER I received from Elisha Cuthbert:

Dear Tim,

It feels as if it has been months since I last felt your warm embrace, but thank goodness I had that cardboard cutout made of you so that I can have a hug whenever I want. And you were right, the digital recording of your voice saying incredibly witty, funny things does help me fall asleep at night. I never knew what I wanted in life until there was you. I know, I know....it makes me sound so dorky and I feel sort of silly too, since I know you must be going on dates with literally hundreds of thousands of women.

I am so thankful that you were able to help me sort out my life and realize I had more potential as an actress then starring in commercials. And you were totally right when selecting roles for me in "Old School", "24" amd "The Girl Next Door"....to think I wanted to be the new face of Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil...I never really thought I was pretty enough to get these "young cute girl roles" and had even thought about giving up and going back to my old job cleaning bathrooms in Canada. That is just the effect you have on people though...to make them their best because you are always trying your best. I don't think you are like a unicorn or anything (tee hee) but you are magical.

Well, I will be back whenever you allow it. I am so sorry for that night and I swear it was an accident. I really had no idea that you were so anti-Canada, and I apologize a kabillion times for being Canadian and for wearing that Maple leaf lingerie set....I got rid of it and got some Stars and Stripes if that helps anything. Please call. I miss you and Kiefer Sutherland is really starting to creep me out. Call or whatever as soon as you can.

Love,
Elisha
XOXOXO

So, that's what I get in the mail like once a week. But Canada, seriously now?

A tasty weekend to all.