You have more video games than a teenaged Asian kid

Last week, when I was celebrating with an intimate (no there was no orgy) group of friends Wrigley's the dog's first birthday (and do not laugh at this it was also just a chance to party on a Friday night, and there was enough beer left to have a fine Earth Day celebration the next evening), I began thinking about all the pets I have had in my life. They have ranged in size, playfulness, color, species and many other things, but all have one common thread prevails throughout. My Dad seems to play with fate and cause my pet's demises. Not all of them, mind you, but more than enough to be concerned. Concerned enough that I should probably think about getting some sort of no hassle restraining order on Animal Planet court. My Dad tends to be a very gentle human, constantly hugging people (especially men), tapping people on the arm while telling a joke, or "fixing" something that was previously broken by jamming things where they don't actually fit (it must be the Radway school of fixing shit, because I do the same thing too). So, here is a brief revisionist history (to include my Dad playing a role in all of my pets untimely demise).

Max "Hammy" Radway- brown and black dwarf hamster, acquired for my 9th birthday: This hamster was awesome. He loved his wheel and he used to run on it late at night and annoy the hell out of me. He was actually a very normal hamster I guess. Then all of a sudden he started having green poop and died. I think my Dad secretly had been feeding him Scott's Lawn Care or something, but animal CSI was busy that weekend. After he died, he spent a few quality weeks at a "spa" also known as wrapped in aluminum foil in the freezer. He was then given a proper burial somewhere in the backyard.

Monica-red and white hamster, acquired around age 11: This hamster, named after my favorite female tennis player, Monica Seles, was one boring fat woman hamster. She seldom used the wheel and all she ever wanted to do was eat. Which leads to her demise from morbid hamster obesity at a very young age. Which only leads to certain conjectures as to what she and Dad were doing when they were hanging out. Also, I believe this is the hamster that got trapped behind the toilet in one of those hamster balls when my Dad was home by himself with her.

King Tut-box turtle, acquired around age 12: King Tut was the awesomest turtle the world has ever known. Aside from the whole potentially getting salmonella from him thing, he was everything I never knew a turtle could be. Pretty fast, and a zest for life that you saw in his tiny, beady eyes and his neck lurched out to grab some more of his favorite food, cantolope. Then winter came, and unbeknownst to me, turtles hibernate. So we placed him near a heating vent to keep him warm. My Dad was evidently monitoring the situation, and decided after a few days of not seeing the boy king turtle move, that he would throw him away. Not bury him or anything like that, but basically just pick him and put him in the garbage. I am sure King Tut lives on to this day as a king of some landfill somewhere.

Patches-black and white rabbit, acquired around age 14: Patches was an awesome rabbit. She liked to run around as rabbits are prone to do, while also enjoying a fine nap in the backyard. Unfortunately, her favorite pasttimes involved being out of her cage, and out in the backyard with my Dad as he putzed around. One day, he left her out too long, and we went to the yard to find a rabbit unable to move. She was evidently attacked by some sort of bird of prey and had kicked out so hard she had snapped her spinal cord in half. After a week of some magical Tahitian potion and having to squeeze her bladder to make her pee, she had to be put to sleep. I don't really blame my Dad for this one as he really, really liked Patches.

Wrigley-tricolor beagle, acquired at age 22: She lives on! One time last summer when I was at home for a weekend, Dad did try and allow her to run away, but disaster was averted. We'll have to see how this one plays out.

In certain recent situations it has come to my attention that the majority of people who know me, or whom I am acquainted with, seem to think I am a tad loco, short tempered or hot headed. And I guess I am a bit. But I am definitely not that guy you have to watch and wonder when the next blow up will happen, well except for sometimes. Alright, but it is weird to be out in a social situation and for everyone expecting you to get crazy. Those are the times when I am least likely to get crazy. It is when you think I am fine that I will really get crazy.

Yesterday as I was speaking to my Mom about my new tattoo, I had a random thought. What if tattoos appeared on the person's mother as they received it? Would about half as many tats exist in the world? Of course, I told her that she would probably have no idea about this one as its positioning between my shoulder blades would not lend itself to being viewed that often, since when do you really look at your back unless you are roiding and looking for bacne or if you are very hairy and want to see if it is time for another wax job?

So, I proud to say, I got two applications filled out for my disciple positions. There are still ten remaining, and people are straight up clamoring for these positions. Alright maybe not clamoring, but it may have at least crossed someone's mind somewhere.

Before we finish up, here are some words from pseudo-decent human Jason Mulgrew for all of you who have been going through break ups. Like a cold beer on a hot day, so hot that you pour it on your head instead of drinking it, they really hit the spot:

"For the record, I don’t understand why people break up and then continue to talk to/spend time with their ex’s. This causes infinitely more problems than it is worth (as evinced by Jim’s situation) and is an invitation to emotional retardation (as it inhibits subsequent relationships) and further heartbreak (do you really want to watch someone you were once in love with eat Thai food from across the table and not be able to reach out and touch them? You really think that’s a good idea?). Rare is the relationship that ends because one of those involved no longer has any feelings for the other. Lingering feelings are inherent in break ups. To keep the ex in your life is to foster these lingering feelings at your own demise. When you remove the ex from your life, you remove this and other problems. Break ups are just that, a "break." A break up is not a demotion, whereby one goes from "love of my life" to "friend." That’s just not how it works. And if you act like it does, you are entering a world of pain"

Keep it tasty.