2011 Suck my dick, be gone

"Winter" has arrived in full effect in Chicago, but only if its full effect is a haphazard 25 degree day now and then. As I write this, it is currently in the high 40's and yesterday, it was in the 50's. This sort of winter was not one of the reasons that I have come to love Chicago, or realistically, anywhere that still has four actual seasons. That was one of the things that FREAKED me out about my very brief time living in California. Rain was apocalyptic and a drop to 68 degrees from the normal 72 was cause for people to wear sweaters and ask if I wanted to "curl up by a fire". Fuck no I did not want to curl up by a fire. If actual winter does not happen in Chicago this winter I will be pissed off. Without true winter in Chicago I would have missed some of these great life moments:

1) Getting to leave work early last winter on the blizzard day only to get bombed with co workers and fall through snow drifts on my way home LATE that night. 4 people, $800 tab, albeit in the financial district. But still, we did work.
2) Getting to walk down the middle of a deserted Halsted with Wrigley beagle completely immersed in snow. Despite the fact that the drifts were most certainly more than capable of covering her entire body, she loved jumping in them and snorting a bunch of snow and then sneezing. Her actions were the basis for the movie Blow.
3) Several years ago, when still living in Oak Park, we lived near a man made sledding hill. After a Saturday evening of fun, several of us had gone out to breakfast Sunday morning and when we were driving back from said meal, we were driving past the sledding hill. At that point I said, "Who dares me to roll down the hill with all the sledders?" As anyone who knows me will attest, when I ask to be dared, I'm pretty much just saying I will go do something. So, I marched to the top of the hill, told several little kids, "Time to get my roll on" then proceeded to roll down the hill and then run away back into an awaiting car. It's one of those moments that I imagine those kids and their accompanying parents that day still talk about whenever they go sledding, see snow, hear the word roll or see some big guy who they think has slight mental disabilities.

So Chicago, or Mr. Winter, or whomever the fuck is in charge (Tom Skilling? The Empire Carpet Guy? Poseidon?) Time to get the winter on. Now. There's not much time because by the time March 20 rolls around which is a glorious day thanks to me being born, it needs to be spring...with animals getting it on, flowers blooming and all that other spring crap.

While I am ranting like a lunatic at things that, as far as I know, do not read this blog, can anyone explain the weird new Toyota commercial that exists? At least, I think it is a Toyota commercial. I will try to explain it:

A bloated, weighty Kelly Clarkson is seen eating a corn dog and funnel cake and a Pandora music app button pops up, she tries to eat that too. Chris Berman, he of ESPN fame, is turned on and wants to get it on with her in a Toyota Camry (product placement alert!) But only if his creepy bro pals, James Lipton from Inside the Actors Studio (and better parodied on SNL by Will Ferrell) and Andrew Zimmer from Bizarre Foods (who says things on his show like "this slime texture that tastes like stale cat litter is really intriguing to me.... gotta love Korean food!") can ride in the backseat and watch. Berman tosses Clarkson the keys, she tries to catch them in her mouth like a skittle, but fails and instead she gets in the car and they all begin singing, what I assume is a Clarkson pre coital love song. I just wonder who she was going to eat when she was hungry. What an odd, odd ad. I am not really sure what is being advertised. Can someone explain?