First of all, may I laud your decision to get around on foot. Way to put into good use that dinky pedometer you got from Mc Donald's. Your 2011 health goals should be narrowly accomplished around 2015. I do realize that your foot traffic is actually about more than that, it's the easiest way to get around, and public transportation systems have yet to find a way for you to latch your car on the front of their buses and trains, instead merely your bikes.
However, I must find you at fault for a number of egregious errors in the way that you walk about, so carelessly and without thought of those around you. Many of you are now thinking, "Oh wait, I hope this is not something mean about me!" Well, it probably is. Others are thinking, "I learned how to walk when I was (fill in age...2 to 15), this cannot have to do with me." Well, it probably does.
Walking on a sidewalk full of people is much like driving on a busy street. You must be aware of those around you and follow general rules:
1. Walk on the correct side of the sidewalk. This isn't goddamn Europe, stay to the right.
2. Do not cut people off.
3. Do not suddenly stop, invariably to take a picture of something, scratch your butt, or send a text message.
Easy enough right? But no, too complex it seems since I find people cutting me off, stopping, or coming at me head on even as I hug the far right side of the sidewalk.
To people who walk the wrong way on the sidewalk: I will knock you over. I have been playing this game of chicken for years. Go ahead walk determinedly directly at me, I will not stray from my course. You will. And then you will feel stupid. Or better yet, bump into my shoulder. That'll teach me.
To people who cut other pedestrians off: Listen, if you know you have to turn left, and you are driving, do you make your way to the far right turn lane? Then veer across all traffic? Unless your name is Sarah Plovanich, this is not the maneuver you try. You get in the left turn lane and go from there. Same thing goes on foot. If you have to enter your building on the left ten yards after crossing the street, do not cross the street standing to the far right of the group of people crossing en masse. Unless you are Barry Sanders. Then weave your way through. You are awesome.
Barry Sanders, who can do whatever he wants walking around.
To people who stop suddenly: This is a fine move if you are walking down some shaded boulevard, collecting your thoughts and admiring architecture. It does not fly when you are in a pack of 30 people walking the same direction. Furthermore, I am not Barry Sanders, much more Jerome Bettis. Stop within a foot in front of me, chances are I will knock your shit over, as I lack the spin moves and jukes necessary to avoid you. Then, don't have the gall to shoot ME a dirty look. You stopped. My crime was merely walking behind you. Which, last I checked, was not a crime.
Jerome Bettis, more my agility level
A couple other groups who I would like to bring into play:
1. People with umbrellas
2. People swinging their arms/bags
People with umbrellas, this might be a personal thing between people of a taller height like myself and you, but please be more courteous nonetheless. When the person of the average height is walking around with an umbrella, guess where the ends of the umbrella generally end up? Somewhere around the level of my eyes and face. Therefore I have almost considered calling in "fearful" to work on rainy days. Because I view an umbrella not as protection from rain, but rather as a dangerous device that will one day cause me great ocular damage. Seriously. Maybe I need some safety goggles.
And last, but certainly not least, people who swing either one or both of their arms so widely out from their body they create a road block so that I am unable to pass them. These people always walk slowly, and their arms always swing at a level that would surely strike my crotch if I were to get too close. Also, stop swinging around your bags.
Get the message pedestrians of the world?
1. I will knock you over.
2. I WANT to knock you over.
3. Don't poke out my eyes or hit my junk.
Cordially,
Timothy C. Radway
1. People with umbrellas
2. People swinging their arms/bags
People with umbrellas, this might be a personal thing between people of a taller height like myself and you, but please be more courteous nonetheless. When the person of the average height is walking around with an umbrella, guess where the ends of the umbrella generally end up? Somewhere around the level of my eyes and face. Therefore I have almost considered calling in "fearful" to work on rainy days. Because I view an umbrella not as protection from rain, but rather as a dangerous device that will one day cause me great ocular damage. Seriously. Maybe I need some safety goggles.
And last, but certainly not least, people who swing either one or both of their arms so widely out from their body they create a road block so that I am unable to pass them. These people always walk slowly, and their arms always swing at a level that would surely strike my crotch if I were to get too close. Also, stop swinging around your bags.
Get the message pedestrians of the world?
1. I will knock you over.
2. I WANT to knock you over.
3. Don't poke out my eyes or hit my junk.
Cordially,
Timothy C. Radway
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