Hotmail.com, my longtime personal e-mail provider (man, the structure of that sentence was way off, making it sound as if hotmail.com is a site designed specifically for the intent of use by one Timothy C. Radway ((or as Citibank knows me, Timothy R. Radway…I got into an argument with them about my middle initial…they insisted they were right. Some customer support people are just a little off)), which would be nice for a website to be so dedicated, but it is not really the case) has recently began making changes to their appearance, trying to become more sleek and less like the “even homeless men who round up quarters to use the internet at the library to look at porn can have a hotmail account” that they always have been. One of the interesting new features is that, if you login frequently or have your e-mail address set to be remembered by the site (or as far as I know, there are people in India who remember it and type it in for you),all you have to do is type in your password. BUT, if you are not that e-mail address, rather than something saying “Change e-mail address” there is a small bar you can click on under the remembered address that just says “Forget me”. I, for some reason think this is a tad weird, and for the Wellbutrin taking crowd, I am sure that could not be some sort of upper to see this everytime they check their e-mail…but what do I know?
As I sat in the LAX airport today, waiting to board my plane back to Chicago for my friend Adam’s wedding, I did what I do best: creepily observed people without them knowing…alright, so that one girl noticed my frequent observation, and I am pretty sire she smiled before she walked away really fast, so there is that. But anyways, I love watching people that think and seem to act like they are on a remote island by themselves. (But as John Donne told us “No man is an island…except for people who have to buy two seats on airplanes…they are islands, and typically quite buoyant”) So, here are some of my casual, asinine, non sociological observations.
There are all sorts of different types of eaters and chewers around. This is where it really helps people to think they are alone, as well as evidently invisible, as their eating habits cannot possibly be the same when they are dining with others. Anyways, of the types of chewers I noticed, there are a few, and even one that looks sort of like a dinosaur.
a)The ripper- This person seems to have teeth with the sharpness and chewing ability of a spoon. They have to clamp down on their food (in the case of the ripper I was observing, the food culprit/victim was pizza and an apple…whoa was the apple an intriguing view) then turn their head back and forth several times to rip off a portion to then slowly allow the saliva in their mouth to dissolve for them to swallow. It is very odd to watch and makes me wonder. The only time most people turn to ripping is with a crusty loaf or something like that, not for every food.
3) The big mouth- This person, not to be confused with the small bite/quick chewer, evidently desires to eat their meal in approximately 2…well, to 2 bites. The man I observed using this tasteful tactic was eating a rather large sandwich, and after each bite he had the cheek filled appearance of a squirrel storing nuts for the winter, or a pelican looking all pelican like.
qIV) The dinosaur- This person watches a lot of tapes and animations of brachiosauruses and their eating technique, and imitates it to a T. Modern animals similar in fashion are cows and really old people and monkeys. This person is at the very least deliberate in their eating. Maybe they only have gums, I don’t know.
1712) The talker- I am not entirely sure how this person ever actually consumes any food. I noted three of these people. They had entire servings of meals in front of them and spent an entire 45 minutes to an hour talking either to; an uninterested person next to them, some bored work associate on their cell phone, or to the maintenance staff of the airport (I think this may have just been a maintenance man carrying around a pizza though). All I can say is, weird.
WAXY) The small bite/quick chewer- As I referenced before, this person takes very small bites, masticates thoroughly, and swallows and choking on their food is never a danger. The only downside to this eating style is that it is time consuming and sort of gross to watch…it’s like watching a fat man lotion his back. Just go with me on my analogies.
The other interesting and slightly funny/irritating thing to me is the way people will begin sitting or standing in the boarding area long before it is actually time to board. The comical thing about this is: have these people never been on an airplane? Much less a Southwest flight…what is the rush? Do you know of some ultra secret seating area that is better than all the other tiny rows with all the same chance of sitting next to someone with body odor/ bad stories/ a little “extra” for you in your seat/the armrest hog? Weirdos. I usually end up smugly waiting until everyone else is on the plane…at least I maximize my time spent sitting down…good practice for the unfortunate paralysis that will end up plaguing me unexpectedly (of course it will be psychosomatic…Ricky Bobby style)
WORD UP.
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