I'm Tim, and I have all my toes and fingers! Interested?

Calm yourselves minions, the title was not an actual pickup line or anything I have ever used in some feeble attempt to pickup women (for those feeble attempts I usually tell the story about the time I saved puppies and senior citizens from that fire, or show them pictures of Wrigley, or carry around a picture of babies playing with puppies in sunflower fields...or seek Trevor's advice on the situation...ZING!) but rather an example of a line I would use if I was on the MTV dating show NEXT! For those of you not familiar with the bountiful genre of dating shows MTV now offers, prepare to be immersed in a skillet of bubbling oil, greed, and corruption that you'll wish you had never known. Mainly I wish I had never known about these dam catchy shows.

So...NEXT....there is one person who has five people, usually of the opposite sex (although sometimes the same which turns it into the best episodes because then the people on the bus get it on with each other) vying to win their hand for a second date. The five people sit on a bus together, acting like idiots, and the one person if finding unfavor either with the physical appearance or due to sheer boredom or creeped-outedness say NEXT and the next person comes out.

As each of the five introduces themself, they say something totally weird like in the title of this entry. Seriously. This show is very entertaining for that reason alone. Here are some other fun made up ones.

"I'm Tim, and if you ever wondered what Malibu Ken was wearing, just look!"
"I'm Tim, and I always eat EVERYthing that is on my plate."
"I'm Tim, I am afraid of robots, but not of you!"

Very witty stuff here people.

Another fine show in the MTV Family of dating programs is the aptly named "Date My Mom". One guy goes on three dates, with three Moms, and based on that chooses one daughter. What pure comedic trash brilliance. This would be, by far, the hardest show to pick someone based upon because who knows what genes and mannerisms are getting passed down the daughter. Unfortunately, only one time in my viewing of this show have I ever had the fortune of seeing a guy go for the daughter of a Mom who was very attractive to be stuck with her genetically inbred daughter. The look on that guy's face was one of complete bewilderment and fear. Then the girl ate him, so his fears were VERY real.

BUT, although I thoroughly enjoy watching those two shows, my very favorite, yet at the same time the one that really makes me wonder about our society, is one called "Parental Control", which I may haved spoken of in this space before.

The premise of this one is that the parents of the son/daughter have a problem with their child's significant other, and so the obvious route is to bring this to cable TV, where you will have the opportunity for each parent to pick out a "date" for their child, which the parents will then watch video of with the significant other. I mean, duh....it is the only way to get through those times when your kid is going out with someone you do not like....how could a normal conversation ever work? You MUST pick someone new for them and then watch the video feed with the current girlfriend/boyfriend. Sadly (or more obviously then anything else) the child normally sticks with their girlfriend/boyfriend rather then one of the people they had spent an hour with. Humorously, I have a feeling my parents secretly would have loved to have put me on this show when I was going out with my last girlfriend. And I would never end up on this show, parents have a thing for me.

Although these MTV dating shows can provide quite a bit of fodder, real life things go on too, like the other night when I went to see The Killers. Although my sister Eileen suggested, "Try to nail Brandon Flowers in the head with a full bottle of water so he falls down. It would be an awesome story," I kept on the straight and narrow, somehow refraining from hurling any objects at anyone throughout the entire performance. Though I was most tempted when they tried playing some of their new crap rather than songs off their first album that people had actually heard. Please bands, if you just came out with a new album two weeks prior, keep it to the first single. Also, in what I expressed in a joking manner to Brian and Shannon on the way to the show, but very much hoped for, I wished the band would have come out and said "We know you came here to see us tonight, but we want to honor our very favorite band, Smashmouth"...and then they would go right into All-Star, by Smashmouth. I would be happy if they played only Smashmouth (or throw in some random band that would be weird to be covered here) or even this one song, and then told the shocked audience that they were just screwing around. It was a fun time. The Killers did not quite kill, it may have been more of a maiming or ferocious beatdown.

That is all. And unless you comment, kittens die, and I go to bed every night not knowing that you care.

Catapult me to fame, everyone I know (or else you get a knuckle sandwich)

While other blogistas are suffering from creative difficulties (J. Mulgrew, or Jason M. for anonymity purposes as I would never want to tear down a fellow creative mind in this space) I seem to be experiencing a flow of ideas that could only be likened to Niagara Falls, or maybe something profane like the liquid that might flow out of your body after eating White Castle and drinking beer (ewwwwwwwww.....that was so gross...but you get the idea). However, I feel at times that my creative musings are being wasted and falling on deaf ears because people just don't know about me, or about much of anything in general. So here is the game plan for catapulting me to fame. Everyone embrace your role, and once I am famous, I might let you do my yard work or something, with occasional water breaks.

Mom and Dad, you always said if there was ever ANYTHING I needed to let you know. Well what I need from you is to buy a billboard. On the billboard will be only two things: 1)The most vile racial slur/epithet that we can come up with (and you might be saying, but Tim, we are not extreme racists....and I am not either, I'll explain momentarily), and underneath that, the web address to this blog. I want this slur to be so vile that Ed Bradley is doing a story about it on 60 minutes, and then people will wonder, "Is that website one of racism and offensiveness?" and come visit this site, read of my humor, and shortly thereafter wish to feed me grapes and other fruits while I am fanned with palms and whatnot. So thanks Mom and Dad, you guys are the best.

Friends (non-female)- I will need you to let me move in with you and also to provide me with food...and liquor. This should only be for about a year or so, and after that I will pay you back by way of you getting to be in my entourage, which if you don't know much about entourages, they usually are pretty sweet.

Friends (female)- I was reading something about the writing creative process and it turns out it is very helpful to have girls in nurse costumes give the writer a spongebath at least once daily. If you guys do your part that would be great.

(also, you guys can e-mail the link of this website to anyone you know who likes to read funny stuff, that would be helpful too)

Jack Daniels corporation- I am not sure if anyone from this reads this blog, but I really love your whiskey product, and a couple barrels of it would be most helpful. I would even mention your product in my books, movies, and weekly in this spot....free advertising

All others, I really enjoy a fine rhythmic clap, so you can just stand around doing that everytime you see me. It would definitely help with the creative process.

So there, everyone has their roles, carry them out and you should know at least one famous person in no time.

Now some thoughts:

This past week I was out and my friend Melissa told some other guys that I was her best friend, and although we are best friends and I have no problem with it being so, when a girl tells other guys this information, a little known fact is that one of two phrases actually go into their ears:

1)"Tim is gay."

OR

2)"I keep Tim's balls in a jar at home."

This is a little known fact that women do not know about such phrases as this is that men actually have tiny translation devices just outside their eardrums that translate many phrases women say to us. Some others include:

When you say, "I'm really tired tonight, let's just cuddle"

we hear: "Cuddle with me for five minutes and then collect all the sex you want."

When you say, "I love eating pizza, but can we ever go out on a romantic date?"

we hear: "I love pizza too. Maybe later you can collect all the sex you desire."

When you say, "I'd really appreciate it if you would just lose my number and stop calling me at 4am"

we hear: "Call me the next time you are drunk, please....and I think I am in love with you."

If you want anymore translations, let me know.

Lately it seems that rather than a driving test, people should be given some sort of intelligence test. Because people just aren't getting it. I do not wish to share a lane with you on the highway. Unless you have some sort of half plasma car that will shrink down or just mold with the side of my car, if you merge into my lane with me, the results will not be good, and I know this because I had a couple years of physics in high school. Or because some obvious thoughts in my head say, "These extremely large metal heaps moving at 60 mph probably should not touch one another." Also, at 4 way stops, the random order or rolling stops that I have seen employed lately are really stupid. The 4 way stop was not a puzzle created by God to cause mental conundrums for humans. And the next person that rolls to a stop and tries driving out at me when I am still going through the intersection, I will not hesitate to stop my car, get out of my car, and come have a little chat with you. (this is not road rage, and the reason why I took that set of butcher knives out of my car)

I seem to have missed it entirely, and no one really pointed it out either, but this blog recently celebrated its one year anniversary. Ummm....so yes. What a grand achievement.

Thanks and that is all.