People Say the Darndest Things (not just kids)

No I am not going all Bill Cosby on you (but a little would never hurt "The kids, with the Jello, and the pudding pop, and the Pokemon, oh so wacky, with the goofiness") but it seems in the past couple of weeks people have been more and more prone to say ridiculous, dumb, or just straight up weird things to me. Who knows, maybe they aspired to have me write about them in this very popular forum (I think popular means at least 4 people skim your work, so yeah, total popularity going on right here). But really they shouldn't have because they are going to ripped some sort of new orifice (but really in all kindness I hope the new orifice proves useful...I mean the eyes, ears, and nose are all orifices and you don't complain about them...maybe you'll get some new sense...I don't know).

1)This past week at work I used the phrase "jump the shark" which means:

"Jumping the shark is a metaphor used by television critics since the 1990s. The phrase, popularized by Jon Hein on his web site www.jumptheshark.com, is used to describe the moment when a television show or similar episodic medium is in retrospect judged to have passed its "peak" and shows a noticeable decline in quality. Hein also uses the "jumping the shark" concept to describe other areas of pop culture, such as music and celebrities, for whom a drastic change was the beginning of the end. "

So basically it is like saying something is done-zo. And that all I was telling my co-worker (hopefully not telling him that either he or a family member had "jumped the shark" because that seems like it would be a creepy threat) was that something, in my mind, had done this shark jumping activity (I think it was about The Simpsons, a show which has definitely lost its luster). To which he asked me if I knew what it referenced, this whole phrase "jumping the shark". When I told him I did not he told me I could therefore not use the phrase.

First of all, it turned out to be some obscure reference to the TV show Happy Days, a show which was on before my years on this Earth. Secondly, unless I worked, not for Kenny & Kenny, a small accounting firm, but rather for the Oxford English Dictionary, which can tell you the first usage and root of every word, I have no idea why I would have to understand where every word or cliche came from that I ever spoke. If this were the case, I would have a vocabulary (and though it may already seem this way it is not true) limited to about 20 words and 20 phrases...many of which might be viewed as obscene, creepy or bizarre...so F all that noise.

2) Someone told me "You'll get what's coming to you."

Hahaha, I had a fine laugh at this one. What does this even mean? That I am going to get my ass kicked? No. That I have had a curse placed on me by a ninja? A more real, frightening possibility. That disease or natural causes will eventually cause my demise? Alright, yes this must have been what it meant. And if I did not already feel horribly not threatened by it already, it was told to me by way of text message, which for me, pretty much every text message strikes fear into my heart, as I am secretly a time traveler from 1217 and modern technology confuses me sometimes.

3) In watching NFL games the past few weeks, there is a commentator who enjoys saying that wide receivers, rather then merely catch the ball out of the air, prefers saying "capture the ball". He likes to make it sound like the ball is some sort of autonomous, free-willed creature often impervious to such attempts at capture. Newsflash buddy: IT IS A FREAKIN BALL MADE OF DEAD PIG PARTS AND FILLED WITH AIR. NOT A BEAST THAT WR AND TIGHT ENDS LUST AFTER IN ATTEMPTS TO CAPTURE.

4) When I told someone that I was writing some quasi-autobiography that was laced with fiction, they asked me , "Are you writing the made up fiction or the other kind?" No elaboration necessary.

Fun times to all, and to all a good 4:43 in the afternoon.

Don't do me like that. Actually just stay away.

Ahhhhh.....it feels good to be back, writing normal, funny type thoughts; like sliding into an old comfortable chair, what with its' aromas of Lysol, beer, and pasteurized cheese product and familiar spot that your bum just nestles into because you've sat there a time or two before or even passed out in that one time your sister gave you a giant horse pill when you were drinking only to discover the next day the effect was that of a placebo after she stated, "I think it was just a big Advil"..... I'd had enough of the hoo-hah fast paced style of writing that was needed for recapping Vegas. And for those of you that read it, you should not be surprised to learn that as time went by I was only becoming more and more prone to forget, and to forget stuff I scantly remembered in the first place. It was a fun time. Know that much.

That being said, I have been sloppy with my post-it note writing to remind me of the kabillion funny thoughts I have, but I managed to get down a couple that were legible and made sense (since some of these ideas strike me in the middle of the night, and Jerry Seinfeld style, I get up, write them down, sure of their comic qualities which make them like comin crude oil, only to awaken the next day and read a piece of paper that says "chinese food Manute Bol". It is indeed a funny combo, but the correlation would be a stretch....wait....unless they were on an episode of Dr.Phil together...anyways,) (and I know I do not need a comma or a lead in back to writing after a parenthetical phrase, but seriously, shut the fuck up, I do what I want) and they will lend o at the very least, about 7 sentences of brilliant social mockery and verbal punditry.

First of all, if you are not in tune with the sports world, there is a successful Wang toiling as a starting pitcher for the New York Yankees. And maybe I am juvenile and immature, but I would not say "wong" as it is supposed to be pronounced, I would constantly say wang, as it is a popular slang term for a certain part of the male, hemaphrodite, or transexual anatomy. You can tell someone at ESPN who writes the ticker that goes at the bottom of the screen has some fun with this, writing short blurbs like "Wang out 2-3 days, should not be out so long" or "Wang fined for inappropriate appearance in brawl" or "Wang does six batters in one night with 'sinker' "...and if I were on Sportscenter and had to say his name, shit would be on, son. I can't believe no one has recoginized how successful one Wang has been in propelling people to stardom. By far the most celebrity Wang since at least the reign of Bill Clinton. (what do I mean, reign? what an idiot. and no, I don't backspace...I KEEP'S IT REAL)

I am calling for a boycott of the Old Navy store. First of all, I saw one of their commercials this morning and it was very entertaining for me, and may have even been more so for a CHILD. So, yes, they are brainwashing youth, but with what you ask? They have a new slogan: Old Navy- FASH-ON! Oh, you say, I see nothing wrong with that. But what if I spell it out this way for you? FASC(ISM)-ON? Yes, they are brainwashing the youth of America to be little fascists. Now I will not argue with anyone and say that fascism is totally wrong (screw you, yes I will, I will argue fascism with you, who do you think I am, some non-argumentative son of a B? Have you seen how fascism in past has turned out? Think of the fascist leaders? Do you really think the guy in the $8600 parachute pants is gonna listen to that drivel? COME ON!) but I don't believe the youth culture of our country should be brainwashed into believing this crap. Old Navy? This is just a coy reference to the Russian Navy of yesteryear, back when they OWNED the Black Sea. So, no more Old Navy America...you can keep what you have, but don't buy anything new there (and I am sure no one will mind all that much seeing as it has been decreasing in quality there for a while)

YAH!