Happy 2013!
Like the sloth like man that I am, you may have taken note that I only wrote once in 2012. I was busy or something. Mainly watching this all time classic video about sloths (http://www.hulu.com/watch/17201)...678,456 times. That really left little to no time for writing anything, especially when my other time was dedicated to my live, one man show that was me reenacting the hit TV sitcom, "Perfect Strangers". Switching between Cousin Larry Appleton and Balki on stage can really wreak havoc on one's perception of reality.
Now that the world did not end and I continue to be flummoxed by how people prefer to be greeted (most of the time I avoid this confusion of handshake? bro hug? full hug? is this lady going to kiss my cheek or the air above my shoulder? fist bump? eskimo kiss? by simply waving at people and then disappearing), I have decided to come up with UNIVERSAL GREETINGS TO BE USED BY ALL.
Man greeting a man, professional setting: Gladiator handshake, right hand to right forearm. This helps to avoid sweaty hands, weird finger grabs, any attempt at tickling, etc. Also, it's just straight up manly. Who doesn't want to feel like Russell Crowe in Gladiator every time they greet someone?
Man greeting a woman, professional setting: The man should dip the woman as if ballroom dancing (or depending on sizes of those involved, the woman should dip the man. It's what Darwin would have suggested as evolution). This sets the tone and demeanor for interaction as if to say, "We are co working together, but also, maybe we should ballroom dance occasionally. It happens in a lot of musicals, and those are based in ULTRA REALITY."
Woman greeting a woman, professional setting: First of all, don't have a power struggle. You are both women in the workplace. Well done! A hundred years ago that would have been a hilarious sentence unless I were talking about the laundry factory or whatever the fuck it was women could get a job doing in 1913. Also, don't get too caught up in the admiration of the way the men in the room just dipped you. Now look into each others eyes and gently caress your counterparts cheek (right hand right cheek). That way, as you move forward on your work, you can remember that you are the gentler sex, and that you probably have soft hands from all the lotion you are always applying. THEN, and only then should you talk about who dips best in the office.
Man greeting a man, non professional setting: Don't touch each other. Procure a shot of booze and drink it together. No weak ass shit either. This will not work at all should you avoid touching and then order a couple of Sea Breezes.
Man greeting a woman, non professional setting: Don't touch each other. Procure a shot of booze and drink it together.
No weak ass shit either. This will not work at all should you avoid
touching and then order a couple of Sea Breezes.
Woman greeting a woman, non professional setting: Don't touch each other. Procure a shot of booze and drink it together.
No weak ass shit either. This will not work at all should you avoid
touching and then order a couple of Sea Breezes.
If it's not professional, have a GOTTAMN drink. Get to know one another.
Thank you for adhering to these new policies.
Cordially,
TCR
