Well, well, well...what do we have here? It's been a while. But several things have happened. First and foremost, fuck you. Secondly, I have one question: How dare you? Thirdly, I am now, as the french say, un pamplemousse extraordinaire, or for the non educated, a professional writer. Fitty cents a word. That shit adds up in a hurry, but alas, they do not allow cursing in that writing venue. Nor entertainment. Also, all my ethnic slurs were edited out of the last piece I wrote. Even so, it stings to sit here and do this writing for basically free (I could cash in those $3.42 in google ad marketing I have gathered up over the years, but as Sylvester Stallone says, "UGIUBSI SIUBS") with only my mind to offer feedback.
So, before I get into the meat of this, I have some rules:
1. If you read this, give a comment.
2. In the aforementioned comment, defend which is better, the ninja, or the ninja assassin.
3. Send me a self addressed, stamped envelope with $7 in it. No Ponzi scheme or anything, I would just like to see how much cash I can accumulate.
4. Offer your counterarguments or explanations to the things I have said. Your counterarguments, sadly, will be wrong.
5. I will be writing at minimum on this forum, weekly, unless I join a gladiator troupe and am mauled by lions. If nothing from me, assume the mauling occurred.
Thank you for observing these rules, and Happy Reverse Ramadan- where you eat all day while the sun is up (sponsored by Old Country Buffet).
First, a part of a conversation that was heard Easter weekend by myself and my sisters, as completed by me (the first two lines are the truthy ones)
Guy1: So he calls 911...
Guy 2: The guy who shot him???
Guy 1: Fuck you.
Guy 2: Let's wrassle.
It really is amazing some of the things that you can hear people saying just standing somewhere, or riding on public transportation, or dressed as a character from your favorite anime game. People either legitimately think that others cannot hear them, or really have some of the most outlandish stories and choose to tell them within earshot of others.
When driving home to Louisville recently, I heard a radio station near Indianapolis implore me to stay tuned for the DJ PAUL BUNYAN M-M-M-M-MEGA MIX. I don't really understand why the announcer for DJ PAUL BUNYAN had such a horrible stutter trying to get out the word mega, or why the radio station insists on letting the man with the stutter announce their world famous DJ's with their wacky literary names. But what I r-r-r-r-r-really don't understand is the DJ name chosen by this man. Paul goddamn Bunyan? Now I know DJ names or the choice of career as a DJ is in and of itself an odd career path, but choosing Paul Bunyan as your DJ name would have to be rather circuitous. DJ's are known for yelling things out during their mixes, I know this from totally on the up and up downloading rap songs in college, where inevitably you would have to put up with a DJ yelling things throughout the song simply because you legally procured the song and paid all appropriate licensing rights. These DJ's would yell things like, "EXCLUSIVE!" "NEW SHIT!" "HEAVY HITTER" "THIS IS FOR MY STREET SWEEPERS" (who has their own street sweepers?) "FELL OFF" All of these, I am quite sure are rap terms I probably do not understand, nor should I, nor do I want to. Unfortunately, I was no longer in the area by the time I could have potentially h-h-h-h-heard DJ Paul Bunyan's awesome spinning, but I can only imagine the things this man would have loved to yell "SHOUT OUT TO BABE THE BLUE OX", "AXES", "FLAP JACK HOCKEY RINK REMIX", "FLANNEL THIS BITCH". I would only think that if the man moved on to DJ in a larger city like Chicago, he would change his name to a more familiar literary character like DJ AMELIA BEDILIA and her exclusive WACKY REMIXES.
And finally a commentary on society. Today as I took my normal train ride home from work, I arrived at my destination. Soon after I would see one of the most puzzling things I have ever seen: The narrow one person wide escalator next to the spacious staircase was not working. Yet, it was loaded with people. PEOPLE OF THE WORLD, WHEN AN ESCALATOR IS BROKEN, IT IS A FLIGHT OF STAIRS. Morons. I personally opted for the staircase. And gave the finger to all the idiots on the escalator. Also, I am afraid of escalators, so I have that going for me.
So party people, click on the ads surrounding this blog, preferably a few million times, follow my rules, and I will see you next week. I promise or something. Also, if anyone wants to be my agent and find me a patron who will pay me for my humorous writing, I will give you a generous 15% cut. I'm serious about that. Sell my words. I can always come up with more. Really, I can make up words with the best of them. I think I have nearly matched Shakespeare thus far.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Okay just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy, you are in hell co running a bed and breakfast with the devil?
So, ABC, want to let me in on this trick you have tried to play on me? It's a trick in multi parts, so let me break it down.
1) Air a funny comedy show for years called Scrubs. Star a young actor in it named Zach Braff. His inner dialogue really makes the show go round.
2) In 2010, still air a show called Scrubs. however remove Zach Braff (I am not sure if he was just not in this episode, or not on the show completely). Either way, it sucked. I felt like a confused baby, fed solids for the first time. This was the equivalent of not getting mashed carrots or rutabaga or whatever fucked up shit people feed babies. (seriously, to borrow from the idea of Chris Rock, it's not like babies said they couldn't taste, they said they didn't have teeth. and the poor beings actually can't say anything.)
3) I therefore assume Zach Braff is dead, since what else is he supposed to do with his life? It led to this google search and subsequent results:
4) He evidently had some suicide rumors, which he denied on his facebook page, by saying, "Hi. I'm very much alive. Total internet rumor. Amazing how fast one douche can spread a lie. Be careful out there on the internets friends. Please spread the word... Video of me holding todays paper to follow... Love, zb."
5) Zach braff is a huge puppy. Go back to being on Scrubs, moron. Or else, what is your career arc? Scrubs then Scrubs, then a movie where you wore a garbage bag, then some more Scrubs, then denying suicide rumors. Nice. Puppy.
6) Since that is boring, here are the results I got by google image searching "wombats getting busy"
6) Unfortunately there was one picture brought up by this search of Stalin and Lenin playing guitars. Ahhhh...the beauty of the internet.
7) The internet also provided me with this fun this week. Hotmail, with whom I have had an email address since 1998, just prompted me to change my password for the first time ever. In terms of ridiculousness, this is up there with an old person being told they have to wear an adult diaper for the first time. I did not feel as though my account was in danger previously, but thankfully they told me it was. Someone might break into my email and read all the top secret things I have. Like emailing people ot inform them I am going to google wombats getting busy. That's national security right there. Thanks, Hotmail, which when I tell people they are my email provider I might as well tell them that my dial up connects within five minutes, it's that hip.
8)Enough Metamucil as well as candy bar ads. Give up. Eliminate your marketing budget and watch your bottom line soar. I have never purchased Metamucil nor have I been swayed by an ad for a candy bar, but I have this theory that ads are pretty expensive.
BYAH. Suck it.
1) Air a funny comedy show for years called Scrubs. Star a young actor in it named Zach Braff. His inner dialogue really makes the show go round.
2) In 2010, still air a show called Scrubs. however remove Zach Braff (I am not sure if he was just not in this episode, or not on the show completely). Either way, it sucked. I felt like a confused baby, fed solids for the first time. This was the equivalent of not getting mashed carrots or rutabaga or whatever fucked up shit people feed babies. (seriously, to borrow from the idea of Chris Rock, it's not like babies said they couldn't taste, they said they didn't have teeth. and the poor beings actually can't say anything.)
3) I therefore assume Zach Braff is dead, since what else is he supposed to do with his life? It led to this google search and subsequent results:
4) He evidently had some suicide rumors, which he denied on his facebook page, by saying, "Hi. I'm very much alive. Total internet rumor. Amazing how fast one douche can spread a lie. Be careful out there on the internets friends. Please spread the word... Video of me holding todays paper to follow... Love, zb."
5) Zach braff is a huge puppy. Go back to being on Scrubs, moron. Or else, what is your career arc? Scrubs then Scrubs, then a movie where you wore a garbage bag, then some more Scrubs, then denying suicide rumors. Nice. Puppy.
6) Since that is boring, here are the results I got by google image searching "wombats getting busy"
6) Unfortunately there was one picture brought up by this search of Stalin and Lenin playing guitars. Ahhhh...the beauty of the internet.7) The internet also provided me with this fun this week. Hotmail, with whom I have had an email address since 1998, just prompted me to change my password for the first time ever. In terms of ridiculousness, this is up there with an old person being told they have to wear an adult diaper for the first time. I did not feel as though my account was in danger previously, but thankfully they told me it was. Someone might break into my email and read all the top secret things I have. Like emailing people ot inform them I am going to google wombats getting busy. That's national security right there. Thanks, Hotmail, which when I tell people they are my email provider I might as well tell them that my dial up connects within five minutes, it's that hip.
8)Enough Metamucil as well as candy bar ads. Give up. Eliminate your marketing budget and watch your bottom line soar. I have never purchased Metamucil nor have I been swayed by an ad for a candy bar, but I have this theory that ads are pretty expensive.
BYAH. Suck it.
Monday, January 04, 2010
The face of a child can say so much...especially the mouth part of the face
And assuming that the mouth of the child was as wise as me, it could tell you of my 2010 resolutions. Now of course I have my own resolutions, but those really only profit me, so rather I am choosing to share my resolutions for the rest of the world and the things it needs to change in 2010.
1 Hollywood, world of sports, others of the world, stop using retreads.
Hollywood- As I have a choice between watching Boise State and TCU play in some meaningless bowl game this evening (I mean seriously, how will we know if either of these teams is any good? Could they not play actual teams from major conferences? And why does one team have bright purple pants and call themselves the Horned Frogs? Surely an homage to TCU great Kurt Thomas who looked sort of like a horned frog) or mindless drivel on in the background, I went with CBS "comedy" night for some mindless drivel. Last I checked, CBS, comedy night meant shows should make me laugh at least a 30% to the canned laughter. They are hitting on 2%. A commercial with Taye Diggs and Miss Piggy was just funnier. But I digress. There have to be tons of actors out there. Talented actors. Then why is Charlie Sheen on TV? And then on this dork show the one guy from Roseanne is on it, as well as the girl from the show John Ritter was on when he died....she gets a pass, because....duh. Then CBS has also aired a commercial for a show with Julianna Marguiles of ER fame....movie career didn't work out so well? Just give up. Go get a real job. I want you to make me a $5 footlong next time I go to Subway. You probably have some money so it can be your own proud Subway franchise. I do opt for jalepenos on most sandwiches. (And Charlie Sheen, I understand you need as much money as you can to cover legal expenses. Someday I will be able to hire you to try and catch cheetos in your mouth....someday)
World of Sports- There are 30 NBA teams, 30 MLB teams, and 32 NFL teams. Yet it seems to me there is a pool of 100 possible coaches/managers for these teams. Give me a try, one of you sports. Probably not the NFL since I would bring the "Madden" coordinators into effect ( just have people playing Madden on the sidelines and putting the best plays into the game...it's too easy) and win too many Super Bowls. All I know is this, I watch many more baseball games than most managers, and NBA players just have to have their egos taken care of. I would let them play me 1 on 1 everyday. It would also provide laughter for everyone and I would be nothing short of a media darling.
Rest of the world- Fortune 500 companies, stop hiring CEO's who failed as CEO's somewhere else. Men and women who have on again off again relationships where your friends don't know when they can insult your significant other, knock it off. The insults have to come free and easy. City of Chicago, stop putting a bag of gravel in potholes that can swallow entire vehicles. ESPN let up on the Sportscenters every once in a while. S&P 500, stop acting like you are really that important. Judd Apatow....you are excused, please continue making the same film over and over.
That is my main resolution for 2010 to the world. Because whenever someone said "There is nothing new under the sun," I don't think it was any sort of requirement. More rock, less talk 2010. Especially since we don't even have flying suits yet.
1 Hollywood, world of sports, others of the world, stop using retreads.
Hollywood- As I have a choice between watching Boise State and TCU play in some meaningless bowl game this evening (I mean seriously, how will we know if either of these teams is any good? Could they not play actual teams from major conferences? And why does one team have bright purple pants and call themselves the Horned Frogs? Surely an homage to TCU great Kurt Thomas who looked sort of like a horned frog) or mindless drivel on in the background, I went with CBS "comedy" night for some mindless drivel. Last I checked, CBS, comedy night meant shows should make me laugh at least a 30% to the canned laughter. They are hitting on 2%. A commercial with Taye Diggs and Miss Piggy was just funnier. But I digress. There have to be tons of actors out there. Talented actors. Then why is Charlie Sheen on TV? And then on this dork show the one guy from Roseanne is on it, as well as the girl from the show John Ritter was on when he died....she gets a pass, because....duh. Then CBS has also aired a commercial for a show with Julianna Marguiles of ER fame....movie career didn't work out so well? Just give up. Go get a real job. I want you to make me a $5 footlong next time I go to Subway. You probably have some money so it can be your own proud Subway franchise. I do opt for jalepenos on most sandwiches. (And Charlie Sheen, I understand you need as much money as you can to cover legal expenses. Someday I will be able to hire you to try and catch cheetos in your mouth....someday)
World of Sports- There are 30 NBA teams, 30 MLB teams, and 32 NFL teams. Yet it seems to me there is a pool of 100 possible coaches/managers for these teams. Give me a try, one of you sports. Probably not the NFL since I would bring the "Madden" coordinators into effect ( just have people playing Madden on the sidelines and putting the best plays into the game...it's too easy) and win too many Super Bowls. All I know is this, I watch many more baseball games than most managers, and NBA players just have to have their egos taken care of. I would let them play me 1 on 1 everyday. It would also provide laughter for everyone and I would be nothing short of a media darling.
Rest of the world- Fortune 500 companies, stop hiring CEO's who failed as CEO's somewhere else. Men and women who have on again off again relationships where your friends don't know when they can insult your significant other, knock it off. The insults have to come free and easy. City of Chicago, stop putting a bag of gravel in potholes that can swallow entire vehicles. ESPN let up on the Sportscenters every once in a while. S&P 500, stop acting like you are really that important. Judd Apatow....you are excused, please continue making the same film over and over.
That is my main resolution for 2010 to the world. Because whenever someone said "There is nothing new under the sun," I don't think it was any sort of requirement. More rock, less talk 2010. Especially since we don't even have flying suits yet.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Drop the fiddle faddle, you scum
Why is Crunch and Munch sometimes call fiddle faddle? Secondly, a product whose sole niche is grandmothers...how does it continue to exist? Who is buying the cookies that are by the cash register at Walgreens? Same niche. Who is buying the premade deli sandwiches at...well, pretty much anywhere? Alright different niche. Truckers. If only I had Venn diagram technology, I could whip some of those up right now. But realistically I will use words. I think I might need to make a foray into the shitty overloaded with preservative desert food market. For the following reasons:
1. All women greater than 70 love me, except for my own grandmother, who thinks I am an awful human. They find me charming and handsome. I probably look like a move star from the first "talkies" (non silent films) or some nonsense like that. But I don't talk like a Cary Grant fruit cake. Plaster my photo on the packaging, and I do a few meet and greets at nursing homes and other places with old people like antique stores or where the old Woolworths used to be (you know, since they get confused and want to go to a drug store chain that has been out of business for 15 years)
2. My product will be a better use for discretionary and non discretionary income than any other product existing. Ever. It will be a mix of everything that old people love and young people hate to have to eat. I'm thinking some sort of trail mix with off brand cheetos, bits of vintage aged fruit cake (which I will call Cary Grant) and those weird yellow raisins that are never sold alone.
3. Location location packaging. Got ya! You thought I was going to say location a third time. But realistically, what the fuck would location have to do with what I am talking about? No packaging for the oldies...not too many bright colors, my photo (looking all dapper, in black and white) and something about Olde Tyme. And classic. And maybe something about just like when you were a little girl and FDR was president? Yes. Perfect.
And now for my foray into the sandwiches for truckers:
1) I am good at making sandwiches. All I have to do is find someone who is good at saran wrap. I hate saran wrap. It's fuckin dumb as shit. Maybe my sandwiches can be wrapped in foil. Last I checked, truckers aren't too into aesthetics. What with their mullets and ugly wives.
Facebook people. Stop doing status updates that are STATUS updates. I don't need to know you bought something new and expensive. I don't give a shit. That'd be like me scanning my bank statement and highlighting all the baller ass purchases I made that past month. Oh, boom $86 worth of groceries. BALLER. Subway $12.39. Looks like someone got 2 $5 footlongs. BALLER.
And yes, I've been drinking. But you can bet I'll drink more. And write more. BALLER>
1. All women greater than 70 love me, except for my own grandmother, who thinks I am an awful human. They find me charming and handsome. I probably look like a move star from the first "talkies" (non silent films) or some nonsense like that. But I don't talk like a Cary Grant fruit cake. Plaster my photo on the packaging, and I do a few meet and greets at nursing homes and other places with old people like antique stores or where the old Woolworths used to be (you know, since they get confused and want to go to a drug store chain that has been out of business for 15 years)
2. My product will be a better use for discretionary and non discretionary income than any other product existing. Ever. It will be a mix of everything that old people love and young people hate to have to eat. I'm thinking some sort of trail mix with off brand cheetos, bits of vintage aged fruit cake (which I will call Cary Grant) and those weird yellow raisins that are never sold alone.
3. Location location packaging. Got ya! You thought I was going to say location a third time. But realistically, what the fuck would location have to do with what I am talking about? No packaging for the oldies...not too many bright colors, my photo (looking all dapper, in black and white) and something about Olde Tyme. And classic. And maybe something about just like when you were a little girl and FDR was president? Yes. Perfect.
And now for my foray into the sandwiches for truckers:
1) I am good at making sandwiches. All I have to do is find someone who is good at saran wrap. I hate saran wrap. It's fuckin dumb as shit. Maybe my sandwiches can be wrapped in foil. Last I checked, truckers aren't too into aesthetics. What with their mullets and ugly wives.
Facebook people. Stop doing status updates that are STATUS updates. I don't need to know you bought something new and expensive. I don't give a shit. That'd be like me scanning my bank statement and highlighting all the baller ass purchases I made that past month. Oh, boom $86 worth of groceries. BALLER. Subway $12.39. Looks like someone got 2 $5 footlongs. BALLER.
And yes, I've been drinking. But you can bet I'll drink more. And write more. BALLER>
Sunday, November 08, 2009
I will be writing the best television program ever. Every year. For the rest of forever.
I am beginning to notice something. Trends. Also, that I love having a beard. It totally takes care of my hatred for shaving.
Anyways, back to these trends. Has anyone else noticed TV shows this year can be split into about six categories? Reality, Vampire, Hospital/Doctor, Overeating, Tyler Perry Presents, Shows with Women wearing revealing clothing.
So, I am pretty sure I could walk into a networks boardroom, and after being charming for about 45 seconds, I could present a show each and every year that they would green light and would achieve, for whatever reason, huge popularity. Also, they would give me a large briefcase of money. Then we would share a laugh and a cigar, and I would be on my merry way, back to growing a beard and trend watching so that I could come up with their big hit for next year.
So according to those six categories here's my show to pitch for this year: Tyler Perry presents (what? there can't be more than one Tyler Perry. It's a pretty vanilla name. It's not like that Jerry Bruckheimer character or anything) a show about a staff of sexy young vampires in a hospital which specializes in the treatment of people who have overeaten on reality shows. Bam. Who would not watch that? And the best thing about it? The staff would watch clips of the show (which would be a real show people could be on ((show within a show. how goddamned brilliant)) while they were having various romantic liasons and sucking blood, etc.
Proof this could possibly happen: Space Chimps, that movie with Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon, Blue's Clues, Early Edition (a cat who delivered a newspaper from the future, for those who do not recall), etc. Duh.
When I am in the midst of beard growth, the typical reaction is something like, "Tim, you look so sophiscticated. You grow a beard really quickly. Are you going to shave soon." I then say, "I hate shaving. And I don't mind the way a beard looks on my face." People then generally agree that they also detest shaving. Then grow a beard you man candyasses. And if your boss at work says anything about it, point out the number of US Presidents that had a beard (at least three that I can think of) as well as WWF superstars and other awesome people. Just try and avoid mention of the unibomber or any other known terrorists. It also helps to point out that Carson Daly could probably not grow one. And if I have learned anything, people hate that dude. He's very polarizing and if you can get people to realize that you too are against him, then whatever action you are taking makes sense.
Is it wrong that in my fantasy football league I have tried to turn everyone against Seattle RB Julius Jones because he is a pack a day smoker? Football players, unless they are the kicker, punter, or long snapper, should not smoke that much. I only want pack a day smokers on my fantasy baseball team. So there you go Julius Jones, even though you are not a very good option, you are less of an option because of your habit.
I wish the commercials with the talking baby for etrade were for a cooler product that I could go buy a bunch of. Like Combos or Twizzlers. Then I might buy more of those products.
Anyways, back to these trends. Has anyone else noticed TV shows this year can be split into about six categories? Reality, Vampire, Hospital/Doctor, Overeating, Tyler Perry Presents, Shows with Women wearing revealing clothing.
So, I am pretty sure I could walk into a networks boardroom, and after being charming for about 45 seconds, I could present a show each and every year that they would green light and would achieve, for whatever reason, huge popularity. Also, they would give me a large briefcase of money. Then we would share a laugh and a cigar, and I would be on my merry way, back to growing a beard and trend watching so that I could come up with their big hit for next year.
So according to those six categories here's my show to pitch for this year: Tyler Perry presents (what? there can't be more than one Tyler Perry. It's a pretty vanilla name. It's not like that Jerry Bruckheimer character or anything) a show about a staff of sexy young vampires in a hospital which specializes in the treatment of people who have overeaten on reality shows. Bam. Who would not watch that? And the best thing about it? The staff would watch clips of the show (which would be a real show people could be on ((show within a show. how goddamned brilliant)) while they were having various romantic liasons and sucking blood, etc.
Proof this could possibly happen: Space Chimps, that movie with Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon, Blue's Clues, Early Edition (a cat who delivered a newspaper from the future, for those who do not recall), etc. Duh.
When I am in the midst of beard growth, the typical reaction is something like, "Tim, you look so sophiscticated. You grow a beard really quickly. Are you going to shave soon." I then say, "I hate shaving. And I don't mind the way a beard looks on my face." People then generally agree that they also detest shaving. Then grow a beard you man candyasses. And if your boss at work says anything about it, point out the number of US Presidents that had a beard (at least three that I can think of) as well as WWF superstars and other awesome people. Just try and avoid mention of the unibomber or any other known terrorists. It also helps to point out that Carson Daly could probably not grow one. And if I have learned anything, people hate that dude. He's very polarizing and if you can get people to realize that you too are against him, then whatever action you are taking makes sense.
Is it wrong that in my fantasy football league I have tried to turn everyone against Seattle RB Julius Jones because he is a pack a day smoker? Football players, unless they are the kicker, punter, or long snapper, should not smoke that much. I only want pack a day smokers on my fantasy baseball team. So there you go Julius Jones, even though you are not a very good option, you are less of an option because of your habit.
I wish the commercials with the talking baby for etrade were for a cooler product that I could go buy a bunch of. Like Combos or Twizzlers. Then I might buy more of those products.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Some things I learned today
All of the following are bad ideas:
-Carrying a gun in your sweat pants.
-Carrying a gun in a state where it is illegal to carry a gun
- AGAIN, CARRYING A GODDAMN GUN IN YOUR SWEATPANTS. SERIOUSLY.
- Being an NFL player doing anything more than working out and watching game film. If you want to let loose, have some beers at your mansion, with your entourage. But do that rarely. You think Wes Welker is out in Boston a lot with a gun in his sweat pants?
-IF YOU ARE GOING TO CARRY A GUN IN YOUR PANTS, GET SOME PANTS MORE APTLY SUITED FOR GUN TOTING
- If you are a famous NFL player and you have decided to carry a gun in your pants, don't shoot yourself in the leg. Then you will end up going to jail for a couple years, losing millions of dollars, and in the case of Plaxico Burress, getting your scary skeletal frame used in the yard as the bench press bar. Have fun, asshole.
Why is it that when you get an x-ray and they find no break it is deemed negative? Does that not just demonstrate how money hungry the nedical community is? To whom is the x-rya negative to aside from the doctor? I am pretty sure everytime I have had an x-ray and I find I do not have a broken bone I consider this a very positive turn of events.
The drunk driving commercial where the man has a car full of martini and when he is pulled overand rolls down his window for the sure to be arresting officer and olives and martini spill out...that's the only way I ever want a martini. I want to go to a bar and order a martini which fills up all the space in the car. It would be the only way I would ever want this drink. and the only way I would ever want to receive a DUI. and maybe..maybe the only way I ever want to die.
-Carrying a gun in your sweat pants.
-Carrying a gun in a state where it is illegal to carry a gun
- AGAIN, CARRYING A GODDAMN GUN IN YOUR SWEATPANTS. SERIOUSLY.
- Being an NFL player doing anything more than working out and watching game film. If you want to let loose, have some beers at your mansion, with your entourage. But do that rarely. You think Wes Welker is out in Boston a lot with a gun in his sweat pants?
-IF YOU ARE GOING TO CARRY A GUN IN YOUR PANTS, GET SOME PANTS MORE APTLY SUITED FOR GUN TOTING
- If you are a famous NFL player and you have decided to carry a gun in your pants, don't shoot yourself in the leg. Then you will end up going to jail for a couple years, losing millions of dollars, and in the case of Plaxico Burress, getting your scary skeletal frame used in the yard as the bench press bar. Have fun, asshole.
Why is it that when you get an x-ray and they find no break it is deemed negative? Does that not just demonstrate how money hungry the nedical community is? To whom is the x-rya negative to aside from the doctor? I am pretty sure everytime I have had an x-ray and I find I do not have a broken bone I consider this a very positive turn of events.
The drunk driving commercial where the man has a car full of martini and when he is pulled overand rolls down his window for the sure to be arresting officer and olives and martini spill out...that's the only way I ever want a martini. I want to go to a bar and order a martini which fills up all the space in the car. It would be the only way I would ever want this drink. and the only way I would ever want to receive a DUI. and maybe..maybe the only way I ever want to die.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Fuck you, Len Kasper
All I really wanted to do today was to finish watching the Cubs wrap up their series awesomeness against the Pirates. Weather then interfered, which, I understand to not be Cubs TV play by play man Len Kasper's fault. Although he does look like he might be into wizardry, and therefore some sort of weather changing effects.
Regardless we start to get all the typical rain delay features- an interview with some squirelly man who DID NOT want to be on television, a rebroadcast of the Fergie Jenkins/Greg Maddux and then finally the inevitable neverending broadcasts of the Drew Carey Show and According to Jim, at which times we would then get to hear from time to time Len Kasper chirp in and say something not witty or amusing about the rain continuing to fall along with some crappy reference to a CCR song, since evidently Len and Bob know all about everything musical. Then, all of a sudden the little Cubs Rain Delay logo in the upper right hand corner disappears and I am left watching Drew Carey with no possibility of watching the Cubs. I know, I know, it almost has to be my fault since I was busy getting morally crushed by watching Tiger Woods lose to some guy I have never heard of, but even so I expected Len Kasper to be like that guy who still has to sit around at something for a couple hours and tell you that it has been cancelled. Yes, that is correct WGN, when a game is cancelled in the future I would like one hour of airtime devoted to Len Kasper saying "The game is cancelled. I am sorry. Very very sorry. I am also the wizard at fault for this weather. Again, my apologies."
My general tone might even make it seem as if I dislike Len Kasper. This would not be true. I am a big fan of he and Bob Brenly's straight shooting, Cubs what the fuck did you do that for, broadcast approach. There is only one other thing I am looking for in addition to being better informed of a game cancellation- more commentary on when the cameras show hot ladies. Typically you guys greet this with silence so if I am doing something, I might not even glance up and get to see the pretty lady. This is a travesty. And when you do make commentary, I want innuendo and double entendre. Is that too much to ask? It's totally what I would do. Think of being the anti Joe Buck (who I hate ever since he was horrified at a Randy Moss fake mooning TD celebration dance...yes fake mooning "OH MY GOD, RANDY MOSS HAS FAKE PULLED DOWN HIS PANTS TO FAKE REVEAL HIS BUTT AND FAKE MOON THE CROWD! A TOTALLY OFFENSIVE PANTOMIME! WE SHOULD ALL BE SO OFFENDED BY THIS FAKE ACTION!")
That is all for now. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Regardless we start to get all the typical rain delay features- an interview with some squirelly man who DID NOT want to be on television, a rebroadcast of the Fergie Jenkins/Greg Maddux and then finally the inevitable neverending broadcasts of the Drew Carey Show and According to Jim, at which times we would then get to hear from time to time Len Kasper chirp in and say something not witty or amusing about the rain continuing to fall along with some crappy reference to a CCR song, since evidently Len and Bob know all about everything musical. Then, all of a sudden the little Cubs Rain Delay logo in the upper right hand corner disappears and I am left watching Drew Carey with no possibility of watching the Cubs. I know, I know, it almost has to be my fault since I was busy getting morally crushed by watching Tiger Woods lose to some guy I have never heard of, but even so I expected Len Kasper to be like that guy who still has to sit around at something for a couple hours and tell you that it has been cancelled. Yes, that is correct WGN, when a game is cancelled in the future I would like one hour of airtime devoted to Len Kasper saying "The game is cancelled. I am sorry. Very very sorry. I am also the wizard at fault for this weather. Again, my apologies."
My general tone might even make it seem as if I dislike Len Kasper. This would not be true. I am a big fan of he and Bob Brenly's straight shooting, Cubs what the fuck did you do that for, broadcast approach. There is only one other thing I am looking for in addition to being better informed of a game cancellation- more commentary on when the cameras show hot ladies. Typically you guys greet this with silence so if I am doing something, I might not even glance up and get to see the pretty lady. This is a travesty. And when you do make commentary, I want innuendo and double entendre. Is that too much to ask? It's totally what I would do. Think of being the anti Joe Buck (who I hate ever since he was horrified at a Randy Moss fake mooning TD celebration dance...yes fake mooning "OH MY GOD, RANDY MOSS HAS FAKE PULLED DOWN HIS PANTS TO FAKE REVEAL HIS BUTT AND FAKE MOON THE CROWD! A TOTALLY OFFENSIVE PANTOMIME! WE SHOULD ALL BE SO OFFENDED BY THIS FAKE ACTION!")
That is all for now. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Giggity
I just returned from my first viewing of The Hangover, An Occult Film (not many people know that was the actual complete working title). I have some thoughts:
-I hope America is now exposed to the brilliance that is Zach Galifinakis. I just also hope he does not become ubertrendy. I hate when too many people start knowing people that I know, or funny people that I enjoy. Then they act all, "Oh man, I love that guy" and I act all punch them in the face and tell them they are fake posers who just like someone because they have suddenly gained popularity. And then due to the Internet, everyone can see everything the person has ever done and act like they are experts because they twitteroodled a Galfinakis funny as a quote and read a bunch of his other stuff on Wikiquote and his life story on Wikipedia (which, by the way, I implore you to do, because I already added a bunch of fake shit on there. For instance, he did not say "An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind" but I put it as one of his quotes. And he was not born inside a cantalope, but see what else seems fake on his wikipedia entry....you'll leave there with more questions than answers.)
-I really enjoy the premise of the movie, but generally from what I have heard about rapies (5th grade DARE class) they don't just make you black out, you also pass the fuck out, leaving little time for shenanigans like getting married, stealing tigers from mike tyson, and dragging matrasses to roofs of hotels. Just saying. I'm willing to let this one slide even though they kept harping on the fact that they took rapies over and over again.
-Jeffrey Tambor was underutilized in this movie. And the importance of his sweet Benz to him was suddenly not resolved at the end of the film. No one said a thing at the wedding. And for some reason I don't think the 80 grand worth of bellagio chips would cover the repairs. Or else everyone would just have a car like that. His character in his brief screen time vacillated from cool (It's Vegas, I understand) to weird and anal (Put armorall on the tires once you get to Vegas due to the sand). Rubbish.
-Other than that, solid flick. If I ever start and write more than about seven pages of a film, I will tie up all the loose ends on the eighth page. All in one scene, the way both great movies and games of Clue do it.
One last thing for the film industry, rebels from Chechnya keep being the main villanous characters in many movies. Can we just go more realistic and have villains from the Middle East and Afghanistan more often, or is the Checnyen infuence still that great? Are there just a bunch of evil badasses there? Is it the easiest accent for actors to do? RIDDLE ME THAT.
-I hope America is now exposed to the brilliance that is Zach Galifinakis. I just also hope he does not become ubertrendy. I hate when too many people start knowing people that I know, or funny people that I enjoy. Then they act all, "Oh man, I love that guy" and I act all punch them in the face and tell them they are fake posers who just like someone because they have suddenly gained popularity. And then due to the Internet, everyone can see everything the person has ever done and act like they are experts because they twitteroodled a Galfinakis funny as a quote and read a bunch of his other stuff on Wikiquote and his life story on Wikipedia (which, by the way, I implore you to do, because I already added a bunch of fake shit on there. For instance, he did not say "An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind" but I put it as one of his quotes. And he was not born inside a cantalope, but see what else seems fake on his wikipedia entry....you'll leave there with more questions than answers.)
-I really enjoy the premise of the movie, but generally from what I have heard about rapies (5th grade DARE class) they don't just make you black out, you also pass the fuck out, leaving little time for shenanigans like getting married, stealing tigers from mike tyson, and dragging matrasses to roofs of hotels. Just saying. I'm willing to let this one slide even though they kept harping on the fact that they took rapies over and over again.
-Jeffrey Tambor was underutilized in this movie. And the importance of his sweet Benz to him was suddenly not resolved at the end of the film. No one said a thing at the wedding. And for some reason I don't think the 80 grand worth of bellagio chips would cover the repairs. Or else everyone would just have a car like that. His character in his brief screen time vacillated from cool (It's Vegas, I understand) to weird and anal (Put armorall on the tires once you get to Vegas due to the sand). Rubbish.
-Other than that, solid flick. If I ever start and write more than about seven pages of a film, I will tie up all the loose ends on the eighth page. All in one scene, the way both great movies and games of Clue do it.
One last thing for the film industry, rebels from Chechnya keep being the main villanous characters in many movies. Can we just go more realistic and have villains from the Middle East and Afghanistan more often, or is the Checnyen infuence still that great? Are there just a bunch of evil badasses there? Is it the easiest accent for actors to do? RIDDLE ME THAT.
Monday, April 27, 2009
I might add....
The phrase, "I might add", I might add, is one of the douchiest phrases I have heard being tossed around recently. Not only is it incredibly douchey and sweeping the talking head world (may I just add I am not entirely ready to drink the kool aid on saying I might add) but it is completely and utterly pointless. Let me explain why.
1. Typically the "I might add" is thrown in at the end of a sentence.
Example: I, a douchebag, have gotten really into drinking white wine like a little girl and it is delicious, I might add.
(Disclaimer: That sentence was not about me)
By putting the phrase such as "I might add"at the end of the sentence, you did not MIGHT add it, you FOR SURE JUST ADDED IT. The words already came out of your mouth. The only thing potentially worse then "I might add" is it's bitch of a cousin "may I add" because again, you already added, don't ask if it's okay now. ask beforehand and you might be suprised I don't want to listen to anything you have to say.
Especially you, rental car customers. When I ask if everything worked out okay with your car, I don't give a shit for what you "might add" about the state of the car or the driving conditions you encountered. I just ask because I am supposed to. Really though do I care if the wiper fluid was low? NO. Your dumbass should have stopped and bought some more rather than trivializing my life by waiting the remaining four days you had the car to complian about it. Oh it was difficult to return the car at the gas level you got it? Well guess what it's difficult to me to envision a world where making sue every car has a full tank you annoying piece of garbage.
During NCAA tournament time, I read an article about Pittsburgh Panther Sam Young which may have accidentally led me to discovering the funniest thing one could ever think about when in the mood for thinking of something f-ing hilarious. Sam Young's brother is evidently one of the top "blind athletes" in the world. In particular, if I recall correctly, he excelled at judo. Since I have been so intrigued about how fucking funny it would be to watch these sporting events, but I have decided they are way funnier if you just imagine them then actually trying to find videos of these blind athletes which I am sure look a lot like normal sporting events. It is more fun to imagine the various things in place during these blind events- seeing eye dogs, atheletes tied together in events like judo so they can actually find one another to kick each other, a bunch of swinging and missing, commentators discussing "smell guards" to block an athletes odor from their opponent....it's just funny. Yes, I am sure I will go to hell. It's gonna be fun though.
1. Typically the "I might add" is thrown in at the end of a sentence.
Example: I, a douchebag, have gotten really into drinking white wine like a little girl and it is delicious, I might add.
(Disclaimer: That sentence was not about me)
By putting the phrase such as "I might add"at the end of the sentence, you did not MIGHT add it, you FOR SURE JUST ADDED IT. The words already came out of your mouth. The only thing potentially worse then "I might add" is it's bitch of a cousin "may I add" because again, you already added, don't ask if it's okay now. ask beforehand and you might be suprised I don't want to listen to anything you have to say.
Especially you, rental car customers. When I ask if everything worked out okay with your car, I don't give a shit for what you "might add" about the state of the car or the driving conditions you encountered. I just ask because I am supposed to. Really though do I care if the wiper fluid was low? NO. Your dumbass should have stopped and bought some more rather than trivializing my life by waiting the remaining four days you had the car to complian about it. Oh it was difficult to return the car at the gas level you got it? Well guess what it's difficult to me to envision a world where making sue every car has a full tank you annoying piece of garbage.
During NCAA tournament time, I read an article about Pittsburgh Panther Sam Young which may have accidentally led me to discovering the funniest thing one could ever think about when in the mood for thinking of something f-ing hilarious. Sam Young's brother is evidently one of the top "blind athletes" in the world. In particular, if I recall correctly, he excelled at judo. Since I have been so intrigued about how fucking funny it would be to watch these sporting events, but I have decided they are way funnier if you just imagine them then actually trying to find videos of these blind athletes which I am sure look a lot like normal sporting events. It is more fun to imagine the various things in place during these blind events- seeing eye dogs, atheletes tied together in events like judo so they can actually find one another to kick each other, a bunch of swinging and missing, commentators discussing "smell guards" to block an athletes odor from their opponent....it's just funny. Yes, I am sure I will go to hell. It's gonna be fun though.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I didn't force butter and sugar down his throat for 50 years
15 MINUTE RUNNING DIARY OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS
8:15pm- Hugh Jackman? What happened to having someone funny host the show? Sure, he is Australian and rugged looking, but what does that do for the laugh factor?
8:16pm- Sarah Jessica Parker! The world's most successful horse- screw you Secretariat! And Daniel Craig- the pansiest James Bond ever! What a presenting duo, I see now why they wanted to keep the presenters secret.
8:18pm- "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" just won the award for Art Direction. Alana quipped, "I didn't think it was that great." I didn't even waste my time seeing it. I prefer this movie in reverse, and starring Robin Williams. It's called Jack. It's way sweet. Bill Cosby is in it too. The guys who won this award suck at speeches. Probably because they have never won anything in their lives.
8:21pm- Wow! The only movie where I would say there technically were costumes won for best costumes...The Duchess. All the other movies it looked to me like people were just wearing normal clothes. I personally do not call it costuming when I get dressed in the morning. It's just getting dressed, you talent mongers.
8:23- Makeup. Another stupid award. I will instead discuss Wrigley the beagle. We bought her some sort of tendon thing today. It's about two feet long and looks like a slim jim gone awry. She has not disturbed us since. Benny Button just won this makeup award. I think they should take it from them and give it to the makeup people for Jack since they pirated the awesomeness of that film. Really.
8:25- Ooooo, people from Twilight, I bet women from 13-53 are swooning now. Vampires do it better in West Virginia (I saw this bumper sticker the other day). (PS, no I didn't) Now a montage of clips showing romanitcal scenes. Like 15 of the 40 clips are from High School Musical. What a good year for film.
8:29pm- Commercials must not be very expensive for the Oscars. Because they suck.
8:15pm- Hugh Jackman? What happened to having someone funny host the show? Sure, he is Australian and rugged looking, but what does that do for the laugh factor?
8:16pm- Sarah Jessica Parker! The world's most successful horse- screw you Secretariat! And Daniel Craig- the pansiest James Bond ever! What a presenting duo, I see now why they wanted to keep the presenters secret.
8:18pm- "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" just won the award for Art Direction. Alana quipped, "I didn't think it was that great." I didn't even waste my time seeing it. I prefer this movie in reverse, and starring Robin Williams. It's called Jack. It's way sweet. Bill Cosby is in it too. The guys who won this award suck at speeches. Probably because they have never won anything in their lives.
8:21pm- Wow! The only movie where I would say there technically were costumes won for best costumes...The Duchess. All the other movies it looked to me like people were just wearing normal clothes. I personally do not call it costuming when I get dressed in the morning. It's just getting dressed, you talent mongers.
8:23- Makeup. Another stupid award. I will instead discuss Wrigley the beagle. We bought her some sort of tendon thing today. It's about two feet long and looks like a slim jim gone awry. She has not disturbed us since. Benny Button just won this makeup award. I think they should take it from them and give it to the makeup people for Jack since they pirated the awesomeness of that film. Really.
8:25- Ooooo, people from Twilight, I bet women from 13-53 are swooning now. Vampires do it better in West Virginia (I saw this bumper sticker the other day). (PS, no I didn't) Now a montage of clips showing romanitcal scenes. Like 15 of the 40 clips are from High School Musical. What a good year for film.
8:29pm- Commercials must not be very expensive for the Oscars. Because they suck.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
What, may I ask, is really the point?
People of the world, you look silly when you cry. You look way cooler when laughing, smiling, after being whalloped in the testicles/ovaries, when angry, and even when trying to look cool (but then you also look pretty silly. you (and this is the plural you, the you that is the world) jut out your lower teeth too far when trying to look cool). But when people cry, it's just this facial contortion that does not seem right, your eyes get all tiny and squinty and leak fluid, your mouth gets weird, your hands get magnetized to your head as if they know, "Hey cover up, we look fucking weird!". Have Lifetime channel on enough in your home and you will be able to analyze this crying. I, of course, have little or no self knowledge of this "crying". The only things that make me really want to shed a tear are moving sports moments. Make-A-Wish week on Sportscenter, chances are there is a single Native American tear leaving my eye when I see a kid with legs get carried around the bases by Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins. Let me recount a tale of the Boston Celtics receiving their championship rings this year. Seeing Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce finally getting their rings along with, in a lesser way, Ray Allen, somehow made me have more Native American Single Tears (Native American Single Tears, The Official Tears of Men, and Well, Native Americans Everywhere).
I recently bought some new kind of Crest Mouthwash. I liked it at first until I realized something. The cap is not childproof. I want no part of mouthwash that is safe to have around children. What nonsense. Safe and supposed to kill germs? Come on now.
So, tacosmadebyapirate.com is up in some form or another. But as I am not really even sure who reads or looks for anything in this space anymore, I am not sure who will help me have the most ballin ass website ever. Please let me know if you wish to help. It would also help if anyone were looking at this drivel anymore. I like to know I am entertaining others, not just myself (although entertaining myself comes first...always, which is why, worry not, I still have a million hilarious thoughts a day...I just keep them to myself instead of dedicating time to the sheer brilliance that is me with whomever may be out there. I hope that when I mentioned tradway.blogspot.com I did not lose readers to people wishing to save money, although with the global economy as it is, not a bad idea).
Until soon. I promise.
I recently bought some new kind of Crest Mouthwash. I liked it at first until I realized something. The cap is not childproof. I want no part of mouthwash that is safe to have around children. What nonsense. Safe and supposed to kill germs? Come on now.
So, tacosmadebyapirate.com is up in some form or another. But as I am not really even sure who reads or looks for anything in this space anymore, I am not sure who will help me have the most ballin ass website ever. Please let me know if you wish to help. It would also help if anyone were looking at this drivel anymore. I like to know I am entertaining others, not just myself (although entertaining myself comes first...always, which is why, worry not, I still have a million hilarious thoughts a day...I just keep them to myself instead of dedicating time to the sheer brilliance that is me with whomever may be out there. I hope that when I mentioned tradway.blogspot.com I did not lose readers to people wishing to save money, although with the global economy as it is, not a bad idea).
Until soon. I promise.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
WAAA WAAAAAA
I know, I know, I've been a lazy fuck. Lazy, lazy, lazy. Unwilling. Sloth. Lacking of spirit, gumption, fire, spiss and/or vinegar. Well, I am done having a Monopoly Beyond Balderdash filled with Trouble, Chutes and Ladders, an overwhleming amount of what an Indian (dot) would call "Parcheesi", filled with all the bad guessing of a game of Pictionary that you may have played in your Life, and what can I say but Sorry, but not twice, you only get to hear that but Uno time, and if you think I will say it again, I will instead say to you "Don't Break the Ice, Cooties, Mad Gab, Risk, Barrel of Monkeys, Pick Up Sticks."
As of Christmas, I am now the proud owner of the domain tacosmadebyapirate.com Don't rish to the site yet, as there is nothing there. But I do have grand plans for it. There will be other contributors beside myself, video postings, places to buy t-shirts designed by me, a place to e-mail me where all you will get back is ethnic slurs and computer viruses, and maybe drawings by autistic children that you can buy, with all profits going to me. It's going to be real. It's going to be awesome. BUT, here is what I need.
1) Someone to design a website.
2) Someone to make a logo of a pirate making a taco. Probably a fish taco, you know, just because.
Eventually this logo will be on t-shirts for sale that will say witty things like "Tacosmadebyapirate.com Burned Down Disney World!"
Also, there will be a rum made by the site, how, I am not exactly sure, I do not know all inner workings of the Internet, and how machines do many things, but I am sure it can whip up some rum. The rum will have the motto "Get More Fuckin Wasted Then You Have Ever Been Ever, Wack Job" People will buy it for this very reason. It will hopefully somehow be 198 proof and disgusting, yet at the same time expensive.
I am tired of commercials for shows involving Frank TV as well as Tyler Perry. I have seen a combined zero minutes of these two shows and a combined 75 hours of commercials for these shows. I know people, yet somehow know NO MAN who watches either of these shows. So, if we blinded Frank Caliendo and Tyler Perry, and the viewership of these shows had been the perpetrator of this crime, and we asked them who did it, they would say " NO MAN did this to me!". Except Frank would say it in an unfunny John Madden voice and Tyler Perry would dress as a large black woman and say it. Sorry Frank, John Madden is funny enough on his own. And you don't look like any of the other characters you potray, so your job should be in radio, where we cannot tell you are a short stubby fat man. And Tyler, Martin Lawrence and Tracy Jordan already did being a large black woman except actually funny and not stupid or on TBS.
I realize that aside from not writing, another problem facing this blog is that many people may accidentally be going to tradway.blogspot.com. Go ahead, check it out. It's by some woman living in Massachusetts who calls herself "The Coupon Junkie". Her blog is all about coupon use. I want to take this time to warn her, get rid of your similar web address or I will order a large mushroom pizza to your house EVERYDAY. True, I don't know where you live. And to trick you up even more, I will sometimes pay for this pizza. I will keep you on your toes. And just when you expect that pizza to show up and you plan on eating it for dinner, I will send Thai food that night. Prepare for the worst, expect the worst, Coupon Junkie. You will never know what sort of food is being delivered to you.
As of Christmas, I am now the proud owner of the domain tacosmadebyapirate.com Don't rish to the site yet, as there is nothing there. But I do have grand plans for it. There will be other contributors beside myself, video postings, places to buy t-shirts designed by me, a place to e-mail me where all you will get back is ethnic slurs and computer viruses, and maybe drawings by autistic children that you can buy, with all profits going to me. It's going to be real. It's going to be awesome. BUT, here is what I need.
1) Someone to design a website.
2) Someone to make a logo of a pirate making a taco. Probably a fish taco, you know, just because.
Eventually this logo will be on t-shirts for sale that will say witty things like "Tacosmadebyapirate.com Burned Down Disney World!"
Also, there will be a rum made by the site, how, I am not exactly sure, I do not know all inner workings of the Internet, and how machines do many things, but I am sure it can whip up some rum. The rum will have the motto "Get More Fuckin Wasted Then You Have Ever Been Ever, Wack Job" People will buy it for this very reason. It will hopefully somehow be 198 proof and disgusting, yet at the same time expensive.
I am tired of commercials for shows involving Frank TV as well as Tyler Perry. I have seen a combined zero minutes of these two shows and a combined 75 hours of commercials for these shows. I know people, yet somehow know NO MAN who watches either of these shows. So, if we blinded Frank Caliendo and Tyler Perry, and the viewership of these shows had been the perpetrator of this crime, and we asked them who did it, they would say " NO MAN did this to me!". Except Frank would say it in an unfunny John Madden voice and Tyler Perry would dress as a large black woman and say it. Sorry Frank, John Madden is funny enough on his own. And you don't look like any of the other characters you potray, so your job should be in radio, where we cannot tell you are a short stubby fat man. And Tyler, Martin Lawrence and Tracy Jordan already did being a large black woman except actually funny and not stupid or on TBS.
I realize that aside from not writing, another problem facing this blog is that many people may accidentally be going to tradway.blogspot.com. Go ahead, check it out. It's by some woman living in Massachusetts who calls herself "The Coupon Junkie". Her blog is all about coupon use. I want to take this time to warn her, get rid of your similar web address or I will order a large mushroom pizza to your house EVERYDAY. True, I don't know where you live. And to trick you up even more, I will sometimes pay for this pizza. I will keep you on your toes. And just when you expect that pizza to show up and you plan on eating it for dinner, I will send Thai food that night. Prepare for the worst, expect the worst, Coupon Junkie. You will never know what sort of food is being delivered to you.
Monday, October 13, 2008
WE SLEEP 18 HOURS BUT WE ALWAYS PARTY 24
Sloths will fuck your world up. WEAR IT! I am half tempted to just to head to South America and hang out with some of these three toed bastards. Talk about a leisurely life...a leisurely life of sleeping, drinking, shanking people and doing other people's girlfriends. Oh hell no. (By that I mean yes. It's one of those sarcastic statements I have been known to use every 3rd sentence)
http://www.clipstr.com/videos/SNLSloths/
I believe I am starting a turn back towards being a smarty pants, or at the very least, an educated pair of shorts. I trace this to my radio listening. There was a time not so long ago when I wanted to, during any commute, listen to phone pranks as played by radio stations, typically with lots of farting noises. This was also during a brown liquor phase of my life, (XVII) not to be confused with the current longing for brown liquor phase of life (the II, the first being age 3-17) that I am in mainly due to responding to my body and it's desire for sleep and my liver taking a minor sabbatical. Then something happened. I started once again listening to NPR all the time. What a nerd. But at the same time, not nerdy. Classy. Elegant. Smart. Sophisticated. En Fuego. Pantsless. Frenetic. Antidisestablishmentarianism. Pi. &^%$! You get what I'm saying? Regardless, I am captivated by the Marketplace program every evening. Which means, maybe I am interested in that kind of stuff. The world markets and stocks and finance really do get my wheels a turnin. Maybe I need to turn into a financial humor blogger:
The Dow Jones Industrial Average (which sucks the C of the Wilshire Index, in this writer's humble opinion) has been jumping up and down, some days up like Shawn Kemp of his Supersonics day, some days like Shawn Kemp after he got all fat and whatnot, and some days going down like the balance of Shawn Kemp's bank account after he finds out about yet another child he has fathered. (Okay, so that was more like a financial, non humor, Shawn Kemp related blog. It would be one of the top 15 Shawn Kemp related blogs, for sure)
To continue to snooty economics lesson (Shawn Kemp included. He supports a small nation worth of children and an economic study of the amount of televisions he has purchased as well as buyouts he has given to women to keep them from filing paternity suits would be very interesting) But with the recent financial bailout, the government has named part of the program T.A.R.P. (Troubled Asset Relief Program). I, however, have a problem with this acronym. Have you ever ysed a tarp? They are a stopgap solution, a patch in the roof of homeless man's cardboard abode, something that your Dad throws over something that he does not know how to fix or is leaking for whatever reason...so why US government why? Couldn't you have come up with some sort of acronym like H.A.M.M.E.R.? (Hastened Assistence Program for Macroeconomic and Microeconomic Error Reform) The point is it does not matter what the letters stand for- this is Merica! Give me something better then T.A.R.P.- B.O.N.E.S.A.W. Think how much better that would be- and how it would look to the rest of the global financial markets?
US UNVIELS PLAN, NAMED BONESAW TO FIX ECONOMY
instead of the lame-o
US THROWS TARP OVER SHITTY ECONOMY
(that was an actual NY Times headline a couple weeks ago)
Old people, and companies and marketing for companies done by old people- the slang term for the internet of the "web" has nothing to do with an actual web. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Which is why I want to ask these companies why they have billboards that say "Find us on the Web!" and typically feature- and I am not making this up- caricaturized faces of company employees heads on the bodies of spiders sitting on a spider web. Seriously? You couldn't put a picture of a computer or something? Had to use the old half human spider on an actual spider web? Really? IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SPIDERWEBS EVEN IF YOU WANT TO CALL IT THE "WEB". If that is all your marketing team can come up with, call me...I will gladly take your money and come up with a better billboard or way of letting people know you can be found on the internet.
Alright, I feel like I am ranting worse than that old guy with eyebrows even bigger than mine from 60 Minutes. KONICHIWA.
http://www.clipstr.com/videos/SNLSloths/
I believe I am starting a turn back towards being a smarty pants, or at the very least, an educated pair of shorts. I trace this to my radio listening. There was a time not so long ago when I wanted to, during any commute, listen to phone pranks as played by radio stations, typically with lots of farting noises. This was also during a brown liquor phase of my life, (XVII) not to be confused with the current longing for brown liquor phase of life (the II, the first being age 3-17) that I am in mainly due to responding to my body and it's desire for sleep and my liver taking a minor sabbatical. Then something happened. I started once again listening to NPR all the time. What a nerd. But at the same time, not nerdy. Classy. Elegant. Smart. Sophisticated. En Fuego. Pantsless. Frenetic. Antidisestablishmentarianism. Pi. &^%$! You get what I'm saying? Regardless, I am captivated by the Marketplace program every evening. Which means, maybe I am interested in that kind of stuff. The world markets and stocks and finance really do get my wheels a turnin. Maybe I need to turn into a financial humor blogger:
The Dow Jones Industrial Average (which sucks the C of the Wilshire Index, in this writer's humble opinion) has been jumping up and down, some days up like Shawn Kemp of his Supersonics day, some days like Shawn Kemp after he got all fat and whatnot, and some days going down like the balance of Shawn Kemp's bank account after he finds out about yet another child he has fathered. (Okay, so that was more like a financial, non humor, Shawn Kemp related blog. It would be one of the top 15 Shawn Kemp related blogs, for sure)
To continue to snooty economics lesson (Shawn Kemp included. He supports a small nation worth of children and an economic study of the amount of televisions he has purchased as well as buyouts he has given to women to keep them from filing paternity suits would be very interesting) But with the recent financial bailout, the government has named part of the program T.A.R.P. (Troubled Asset Relief Program). I, however, have a problem with this acronym. Have you ever ysed a tarp? They are a stopgap solution, a patch in the roof of homeless man's cardboard abode, something that your Dad throws over something that he does not know how to fix or is leaking for whatever reason...so why US government why? Couldn't you have come up with some sort of acronym like H.A.M.M.E.R.? (Hastened Assistence Program for Macroeconomic and Microeconomic Error Reform) The point is it does not matter what the letters stand for- this is Merica! Give me something better then T.A.R.P.- B.O.N.E.S.A.W. Think how much better that would be- and how it would look to the rest of the global financial markets?
US UNVIELS PLAN, NAMED BONESAW TO FIX ECONOMY
instead of the lame-o
US THROWS TARP OVER SHITTY ECONOMY
(that was an actual NY Times headline a couple weeks ago)
Old people, and companies and marketing for companies done by old people- the slang term for the internet of the "web" has nothing to do with an actual web. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Which is why I want to ask these companies why they have billboards that say "Find us on the Web!" and typically feature- and I am not making this up- caricaturized faces of company employees heads on the bodies of spiders sitting on a spider web. Seriously? You couldn't put a picture of a computer or something? Had to use the old half human spider on an actual spider web? Really? IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SPIDERWEBS EVEN IF YOU WANT TO CALL IT THE "WEB". If that is all your marketing team can come up with, call me...I will gladly take your money and come up with a better billboard or way of letting people know you can be found on the internet.
Alright, I feel like I am ranting worse than that old guy with eyebrows even bigger than mine from 60 Minutes. KONICHIWA.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
I apologize is the same as I'm sorry.....unless you're at a funeral
I have moved to Seattle, it's official. By that I mean Chicago has taken on this state where it is raining all the time and people are constantly galoshing about. I personally pretend it is not raining, yet people take my comments of "beautiful day, isn't it?" as some sort of extreme sarcasm. Think about it, things could be a lot worse then a little water. I personally, and maybe this is what seperates me, purposely search out water everyday and use it, in close connection with soap and shampoo, to clean myself. These people act like some sort of wicked witches of the west wherein the rain with each connection to their skin has an awful acidic effect and burns them. If that is the case, I do not wish to make light of people of such awful condition. Just keep covered up you assholes.
Now for a fine installment in a series I call:
PEOPLE I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND NO MATTER HOW MUCH MENTAL CAPACITY I DEVOTE (which on rare occasions is sometimes up to 3% of available capacity..the other 97% is involved in thinking about the Cubs, fantasy sports, my thirst level, and some sort of ranking system for cheeses that I like....provolone has ranked anywhere from one to seven)
John Mayer- This guy, along with Tom Brady, Derek Jeter, and Matthew McConaughey have bedded 99% of the women on Earth. Tom Brady and Derek Jeter make sense, they are both aliens. Matthew McConaughey doesn't wear deodorant so women go for his ruggedness or something. But John Mayer, really? I mean I guess he can tell every woman he meets he wrote "Your Body is a Wonderland" for her, but the song has been out for quite a while now. Why should women like Jen Anniston and Jessica Simpson fall for this? I have had a hard enough time convincing Alana that the mashed potatoes I made for dinner were actually made by me from actual potatoes rather than ordered...and that is not even anywhere near the same level of suggesting I wrote a song for her. (Which does not mean I have thought about telling Alana I wrote that song, but I figure Alana would have either a)heard the song before and called me out on it or b) told me the song was so great that I should go play my song for a music exec at which time I would be stucj karaoking Mack the knife which would only lead to a minimal record deal. Tim Radway does not accept minimal record deals) I mean, I guess John Mayer has some talent but enough to overcome having the largest head in whatever hemisphere he is currently located? Or enough to overcome repeatedly saying "say what you mean to say" to everyone all the time? Yeah, probably not. Weirdo. I just don't get it.
Now for a fine installment in a series I call:
PEOPLE I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND NO MATTER HOW MUCH MENTAL CAPACITY I DEVOTE (which on rare occasions is sometimes up to 3% of available capacity..the other 97% is involved in thinking about the Cubs, fantasy sports, my thirst level, and some sort of ranking system for cheeses that I like....provolone has ranked anywhere from one to seven)
John Mayer- This guy, along with Tom Brady, Derek Jeter, and Matthew McConaughey have bedded 99% of the women on Earth. Tom Brady and Derek Jeter make sense, they are both aliens. Matthew McConaughey doesn't wear deodorant so women go for his ruggedness or something. But John Mayer, really? I mean I guess he can tell every woman he meets he wrote "Your Body is a Wonderland" for her, but the song has been out for quite a while now. Why should women like Jen Anniston and Jessica Simpson fall for this? I have had a hard enough time convincing Alana that the mashed potatoes I made for dinner were actually made by me from actual potatoes rather than ordered...and that is not even anywhere near the same level of suggesting I wrote a song for her. (Which does not mean I have thought about telling Alana I wrote that song, but I figure Alana would have either a)heard the song before and called me out on it or b) told me the song was so great that I should go play my song for a music exec at which time I would be stucj karaoking Mack the knife which would only lead to a minimal record deal. Tim Radway does not accept minimal record deals) I mean, I guess John Mayer has some talent but enough to overcome having the largest head in whatever hemisphere he is currently located? Or enough to overcome repeatedly saying "say what you mean to say" to everyone all the time? Yeah, probably not. Weirdo. I just don't get it.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Asteroid Movies? Where Have you Gone?
As I sit here watching Deep Impact, I wonder what happened that caused Hollywood to come up with so many asteroid destroying the Earth type plots. True, I can only come up with like three of them (and one I am not even sure what it was about)- Deep Impact, Armageddon and Space Cowboys (which may have just been a long Viagra ad for all I know) . As far as I know, there has been no actual threat of asteroid or comet impact to the Earth since...well...the dinosaurs. But a slew of movies came out all the same. These are my thoughts on these films:
1. There is always some new futuristic space craft ready to go to send some sort of renegade flight crew/people getting a second chance/older people who have one last shot at glory/Russian people to destroy the ballistic coming towards the Earth. Where are these futuristic crafts? Does NASA just have them hidden somewhere waiting for something to be headed for the Earth? Also, at this point I feel like sending Bruce Willis or Robert Duvall up in the flight crew might be a good idea, those guys are fearless leaders, with lots of asteroid/comet destorying experiences. Beware of the renegade foreigner/Russian. They always seem to have differing opinions on how the mission should be run and a propensity to be drunk. Also don't send Jon Favreau, he already floated away into space, and plus is way too fat to fit into a space costume (haha, yeah I said space costume, and do to my firm policy on not backspacing and deleting words, it's staying that way) .
2. Morgan Freeman should be the President. Screw Barack Obama. Tell me Morgan Freeman would not be an awesome President. Seriously, give me ten reasons why.
3. If they told me a comet was going to hit the Earth, and I was not one of the special people chosen to go live in the protected cave or whatever, I am pretty sure I would become lawless. All these people in the movies seem to do is spend time with their loved ones and talk. I am pretty sure I would steal, get drunk, and do all sorts of things that can't really be mentioned here. I am sure then when the comet hit the Earth a few days later and got deflected or something, I would have hell to pay, but why not give it a whirl.
1. There is always some new futuristic space craft ready to go to send some sort of renegade flight crew/people getting a second chance/older people who have one last shot at glory/Russian people to destroy the ballistic coming towards the Earth. Where are these futuristic crafts? Does NASA just have them hidden somewhere waiting for something to be headed for the Earth? Also, at this point I feel like sending Bruce Willis or Robert Duvall up in the flight crew might be a good idea, those guys are fearless leaders, with lots of asteroid/comet destorying experiences. Beware of the renegade foreigner/Russian. They always seem to have differing opinions on how the mission should be run and a propensity to be drunk. Also don't send Jon Favreau, he already floated away into space, and plus is way too fat to fit into a space costume (haha, yeah I said space costume, and do to my firm policy on not backspacing and deleting words, it's staying that way) .
2. Morgan Freeman should be the President. Screw Barack Obama. Tell me Morgan Freeman would not be an awesome President. Seriously, give me ten reasons why.
3. If they told me a comet was going to hit the Earth, and I was not one of the special people chosen to go live in the protected cave or whatever, I am pretty sure I would become lawless. All these people in the movies seem to do is spend time with their loved ones and talk. I am pretty sure I would steal, get drunk, and do all sorts of things that can't really be mentioned here. I am sure then when the comet hit the Earth a few days later and got deflected or something, I would have hell to pay, but why not give it a whirl.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Racial Slur? (shrugs shoulders)
I really hope someone can help me out on this one. Is the phrase "selling you up the river" racist? It seems like it might be related to slaves. If so, I should stop using it, about 20 minutes ago. If I have used this phrase to anyone recently, my sincerest apologies. The meaning I was trying to infer more had something to do with that town up the river where you sell things but they always trick you and use evil trickery. Like Cincinnati, that would be a place up a river to get sold. I never said anything about getting bought up the river. So again, my apologies.
Onward and upward with some phrase stuff. Since the Olympics are going on there are probably thousands of people who are broadcasting these games that just suck. The word, my friends, to describe who someone is competing against, is VERSUS, not VERSE. Versus, like that weird channel that shows god knows what, not verse like the separation parts for songs or poems, or haikus of awesome:
I drank whiskey yes
Slurs tossed around drunkenly
Sorry Barack , oops
Bad news, children. Mr. Bubble is dead. Sorry to put it so bluntly. The company that makes that product as well as Binaka (which, if they could have folded well before Dumb and Dumber came out and thusly caused millions to not get sprayed in the eye by the spray breath freshener, not to mention have to force fake laughter at the countless youth imitating the wrong direction blast as made famous by Jim Carrey) just filed for bankruptcy. And since I found this out through some non academic place, they just said the bad kind of bankruptcy. Which is good since who really knows the differences anyways...I think Chapter 11 is the one that is harder to file now, but still keeps you in business.
TUNAK TUNAK
Onward and upward with some phrase stuff. Since the Olympics are going on there are probably thousands of people who are broadcasting these games that just suck. The word, my friends, to describe who someone is competing against, is VERSUS, not VERSE. Versus, like that weird channel that shows god knows what, not verse like the separation parts for songs or poems, or haikus of awesome:
I drank whiskey yes
Slurs tossed around drunkenly
Sorry Barack , oops
Bad news, children. Mr. Bubble is dead. Sorry to put it so bluntly. The company that makes that product as well as Binaka (which, if they could have folded well before Dumb and Dumber came out and thusly caused millions to not get sprayed in the eye by the spray breath freshener, not to mention have to force fake laughter at the countless youth imitating the wrong direction blast as made famous by Jim Carrey) just filed for bankruptcy. And since I found this out through some non academic place, they just said the bad kind of bankruptcy. Which is good since who really knows the differences anyways...I think Chapter 11 is the one that is harder to file now, but still keeps you in business.
TUNAK TUNAK
Monday, August 18, 2008
SABADO GIGANTE!!!
Pet dogs are weird. They are like the grown up version of the stuffed animal. These little furry creatures that we feed, care for, and generally rule over. I guess everyone has a little leader in them, unless of course they are pansies and somehow their dog has them resigning quicker than pervez musharraf. I guess that would be funny if you went home from work where you had to listen to a bunch of wanker nonsense from some boss you don't resepect and had your dog actually lord over you. Needless to say, my dog is a little ball of fur who will lay on her back and listen to me. I am like the Woodrow Wilson of dog owners (create your own analogy..I can't do all the work here).
I wish American television would seem so exciting as Spanish speaking programmed channels. There is always yelling, confetti, bright lights, weird random music, large breasted women dressed in a most intriguing manner- and this is 24 hours a day. Even the childrens programs seem more exciting- as if the bright colors, simple language and all that whatnot involved in childrens shows are magnified by yelling the words, confetti, and boobies. Just my observant self. There is this car wash that I use sometimes and there are guys at the end of the automatic wash waiting to dry your cars and they are always transfixed on Univision, or my fave TELLLLLL-UHHHHHH-MOOOOOOOOON-DOOOOOOOOEEEEEEE. What a life. I figured that if the average person gave them a two dollar tip and on a busy day 200 cars came through, well....yeah, you get it.
I have had dreams recently of being without automobile. Not in an effort to be more green or anything lame like that, I think rather I may just be tiring of cars. Come on scientists- it's 2008, aren't we supposed to be flying by now? Where the hell is my jetpack already bastardos? Or at least warp tubes. I know this oddly dressed red overall wearing Italian plumber fellow who has been using an intricate warp tube system for years. He also can shoot fire out of his hands. Me- no fire out of my hands, warp tubes, or jet packs. Assholes. Work on it.
I wish American television would seem so exciting as Spanish speaking programmed channels. There is always yelling, confetti, bright lights, weird random music, large breasted women dressed in a most intriguing manner- and this is 24 hours a day. Even the childrens programs seem more exciting- as if the bright colors, simple language and all that whatnot involved in childrens shows are magnified by yelling the words, confetti, and boobies. Just my observant self. There is this car wash that I use sometimes and there are guys at the end of the automatic wash waiting to dry your cars and they are always transfixed on Univision, or my fave TELLLLLL-UHHHHHH-MOOOOOOOOON-DOOOOOOOOEEEEEEE. What a life. I figured that if the average person gave them a two dollar tip and on a busy day 200 cars came through, well....yeah, you get it.
I have had dreams recently of being without automobile. Not in an effort to be more green or anything lame like that, I think rather I may just be tiring of cars. Come on scientists- it's 2008, aren't we supposed to be flying by now? Where the hell is my jetpack already bastardos? Or at least warp tubes. I know this oddly dressed red overall wearing Italian plumber fellow who has been using an intricate warp tube system for years. He also can shoot fire out of his hands. Me- no fire out of my hands, warp tubes, or jet packs. Assholes. Work on it.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Twenty Menudos
Someone who lives in my building, yet someone I have never seen, parks their red Honda Civic on the parking pad in the rear of the building. They have a very particular vanity license plate "MUFFY2U". So I have resorted to referring to this general unknown person as "Muffy To Me", as I guess that is what they want me to call them if you flip all the nonsense around. But why is their car always here? Why do they want me to call them Muffy? Do they stay inside since they bear a resemblance to the Muffy character from Arthur? These questions eat at me day and night (4 seconds each day, and usually a nanosecond of time each night.)
I am in general disagreement with the notion of Michael Phelps as one of the greatest athletes of all time. I do think he is probably one of the greatest swimmers of all time, but swimming does not translate to athleticism. I mean, Michael Phelps looks like he would be extremely awkward with his extra long monkey torso playing pretty much any other sport, and that my friends, does not a great athlete make. Maybe water basketball he would exceed at, but not too much else. Jim Thorpe, apparently was a great athlete (as well as a legit firewater loving indian ((feather)), Bo Jackson, before being too great of an athlete and breaking his hip, was a great athlete. Deion Sanders, great athlete. Michael Phelps, great SWIMMER. Don't get it twisted.
Sometimes I get little snippets of ideas for things that would be great in standup routines, but I have yet to really muster up the courage to combine them all together and actually go on stage and perform them somewhere. The main reason, and I think this is a very valid reason- most standup routines have a little more than 45 seconds of material. It would be a short act, not necessarily leaving people the least bit fulfilled. Another issue is that so many things crack me up a great deal, so the things that I think that make me laugh might not be funny- like Beowulf related humor typically does not go over well with the masses. Didn't everyone have to read that?
The Air and Water Show was this weekend in Chicago, so much of my time at home this weekend made it sound like an air raid was about to start, and that, in fact, whatever club in Boys Town was blasting the techno remix of "The Roof is On Fire" would for the first time, be a soothsaying DJ. I don't understand what all this air and water show fuss is about unless you like planes, are five, or have a favorite NASCAR driver. Those people get geeked up for any machine that goes fast. Weird. KONICHIWA.
I am in general disagreement with the notion of Michael Phelps as one of the greatest athletes of all time. I do think he is probably one of the greatest swimmers of all time, but swimming does not translate to athleticism. I mean, Michael Phelps looks like he would be extremely awkward with his extra long monkey torso playing pretty much any other sport, and that my friends, does not a great athlete make. Maybe water basketball he would exceed at, but not too much else. Jim Thorpe, apparently was a great athlete (as well as a legit firewater loving indian ((feather)), Bo Jackson, before being too great of an athlete and breaking his hip, was a great athlete. Deion Sanders, great athlete. Michael Phelps, great SWIMMER. Don't get it twisted.
Sometimes I get little snippets of ideas for things that would be great in standup routines, but I have yet to really muster up the courage to combine them all together and actually go on stage and perform them somewhere. The main reason, and I think this is a very valid reason- most standup routines have a little more than 45 seconds of material. It would be a short act, not necessarily leaving people the least bit fulfilled. Another issue is that so many things crack me up a great deal, so the things that I think that make me laugh might not be funny- like Beowulf related humor typically does not go over well with the masses. Didn't everyone have to read that?
The Air and Water Show was this weekend in Chicago, so much of my time at home this weekend made it sound like an air raid was about to start, and that, in fact, whatever club in Boys Town was blasting the techno remix of "The Roof is On Fire" would for the first time, be a soothsaying DJ. I don't understand what all this air and water show fuss is about unless you like planes, are five, or have a favorite NASCAR driver. Those people get geeked up for any machine that goes fast. Weird. KONICHIWA.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you, don't you?
I guess if you do think this blog is about you, then you are a really odd fish. Literally. Like some sort of strangely striped salmon or bass, with an odd attitude, a penchant for ethnic slurs and other racially devisive terminology coming out of your mouth, making you wonder why all the other fish stare at you. Probably because you use a computer, idiot. Or I guess I could take this in a nonfish direction, and think that there is some angry violent homeless man who regularly goes to the library to login in the internet and provied 31 of the 34 hits I receive to this blog. Each time he decides that his increasing anger regarding me writing a blog that is basically mocking his existence, he musters up the courage to leave a comment, but then remembers how long typing takes him since he lost all the ends of his fingers to frostbite last winter. Sorry homeless patronizer and subject of all my writings.
As I was heading to a party last week I lent some thoughts to the things people bring to parties and what you can tell about these people based on the items. And before I make it sound like I was just sitting around engaged in deep thought, I was just sitting around drinking some beers and watching the Cubs lose as I faded in and out of afternoon slumber, which is always the best time for deep afternoon thought.
The Guy Who Inexplicably Brings a Keg, Everytime, Even When You Are Trying to Keep Things a Little More Highbrow, you know, Because Your Grandma is There- You can't fault this guy. I mean really he is giving of his time, his money, and just really wants your party to be a fun time. But he will never get it. Sometimes it won't even be a party and here comes keg dude, to pre game, and he is late so there are only fiteen minutes left before you go out. Next thing you know you have a whole keg of some sweet ass apple juice beer like Coors Light sitting in a tub in your living room. But yeah, don't fault him, he just wants everyone to have a good time. Sometimes he does really get out of control with his charging for the keg, but only when you feed him brown liquor. (**Writer's Note- I sadly do not know this guy. Nor do any of my friends. We have been trying to find this guy to add to our fold. Applicants welcome)
The Guy Who Brings a 12 Pack of Snooty Beer, Implores Everyone to Share, But Sort of gets Mad when All His Beers are Gone After 15 Minutes and He Has to Drink Crap Beer- I always drink like four of this guys beers. Haha, that schmuck. I only bring a case of beer, and not great beer, when I call and ask if I should. Then I always get so pumped when I see the 11 Sierra Nevadas and excitedly ask whose they are and if I can have one. The guy always says, "Well yeah, I bought them for people to drink." Wrong choice of words, my friend. I will consume your beers as quickly as possible, and also, in the ultimate jerk move, hide one somewhere deep in the recesses of the fridge to grab one way later when all the other beers are gone. Don't be such a fool, and be on the lookout for me...
The Guy Who Always Makes the Offer to Bring Something, Usually Brings Nothing, and Preys on the Things Others Bring- I am more than willing to bring a case of beer, pickup some Jaeger or Red Bull for your party, but if you just tell me to bring something if I want to, the answer is no, no I do not want to. You have to be clear with me. Tell me to bring 68 beers, I will. For instance just last year before Vegas, I was talking to Brian and speaking generally about how since I was driving from California, I could use my Costco membership and bring copious amounts of liquor for our room, thus really changing the whole dynamic. Brian, knowing how I roll, then I believe expressly told me, "Bring 6 cases of beer, and five handles of liquor- but no tequila. And don't forget ice." Then I showed up with about 124 beers and five handles of liquor, a man of my word. And even more so, as I feel this is my role, I never ask for recompensation until I am drunk and ask you to buy every beer of mine when out that night.
The Guy Who Wants to Hookup With A Girl And Brings a Bottle of Tequila and Even Those Little Tiny Plastic Shot Glasses- We all know this guy, he is probably recently single, or just rather coquettish, and always trying to meet up with your girlfriends friends or your little sister or something like that. He means well enough, although his tactics can definitely be questioned. Women of the world, it is up to you to deal with this guy, you must implore him to do a shot with you, then somehow not do a shot and get him to do both. Then he ends up passed out, drawn on, with various amounts of toilet paper strewn about him. Eventually he learns that the bottle of tequila is not such a great idea.
The Guy Who Wants to Hookup With A Girl And Brings a Bottle of Schanppes- Just like the guy above, but on a little more of a budget. He, due to the decreased potentcy of his beverage, is one to be less weary of. And speaking of money...
The Guy Who Calls to Ask What To Bring Beforehand, Says He will Bring "Something", Then Just Shows Up With a 40- This guy tried to be polite, but he really needs to come to your party just to let loose since he has been so financially stressed lately. So he shows up with his 40 of King Cobra in a bag, then proceeds to drink from the keg, the snooty beer, the tequila, and the schnappes. After like the eighth party of the guy doing this, you know who he is and finally expect it from him. But nothing really needs to be done about him unless you have like eight of these friends and none of the other friends.
Wow, I am glad I was able to get that all out. I am trying to recommit to this bloggernautdom. Believe it or not, it has been nearly three years now of this nonsense getting spewed out to the world. Which is why, I will now, in this sentence, recommit to a weekly post, and in addition, in between, a daily segment called "20 Minutes", which will be exactly that, 20 Minutes of my writing. It might be funny, it might be autobiographical, it might be 78 haikus churned out. Stay tuned. Konichiwa.
As I was heading to a party last week I lent some thoughts to the things people bring to parties and what you can tell about these people based on the items. And before I make it sound like I was just sitting around engaged in deep thought, I was just sitting around drinking some beers and watching the Cubs lose as I faded in and out of afternoon slumber, which is always the best time for deep afternoon thought.
The Guy Who Inexplicably Brings a Keg, Everytime, Even When You Are Trying to Keep Things a Little More Highbrow, you know, Because Your Grandma is There- You can't fault this guy. I mean really he is giving of his time, his money, and just really wants your party to be a fun time. But he will never get it. Sometimes it won't even be a party and here comes keg dude, to pre game, and he is late so there are only fiteen minutes left before you go out. Next thing you know you have a whole keg of some sweet ass apple juice beer like Coors Light sitting in a tub in your living room. But yeah, don't fault him, he just wants everyone to have a good time. Sometimes he does really get out of control with his charging for the keg, but only when you feed him brown liquor. (**Writer's Note- I sadly do not know this guy. Nor do any of my friends. We have been trying to find this guy to add to our fold. Applicants welcome)
The Guy Who Brings a 12 Pack of Snooty Beer, Implores Everyone to Share, But Sort of gets Mad when All His Beers are Gone After 15 Minutes and He Has to Drink Crap Beer- I always drink like four of this guys beers. Haha, that schmuck. I only bring a case of beer, and not great beer, when I call and ask if I should. Then I always get so pumped when I see the 11 Sierra Nevadas and excitedly ask whose they are and if I can have one. The guy always says, "Well yeah, I bought them for people to drink." Wrong choice of words, my friend. I will consume your beers as quickly as possible, and also, in the ultimate jerk move, hide one somewhere deep in the recesses of the fridge to grab one way later when all the other beers are gone. Don't be such a fool, and be on the lookout for me...
The Guy Who Always Makes the Offer to Bring Something, Usually Brings Nothing, and Preys on the Things Others Bring- I am more than willing to bring a case of beer, pickup some Jaeger or Red Bull for your party, but if you just tell me to bring something if I want to, the answer is no, no I do not want to. You have to be clear with me. Tell me to bring 68 beers, I will. For instance just last year before Vegas, I was talking to Brian and speaking generally about how since I was driving from California, I could use my Costco membership and bring copious amounts of liquor for our room, thus really changing the whole dynamic. Brian, knowing how I roll, then I believe expressly told me, "Bring 6 cases of beer, and five handles of liquor- but no tequila. And don't forget ice." Then I showed up with about 124 beers and five handles of liquor, a man of my word. And even more so, as I feel this is my role, I never ask for recompensation until I am drunk and ask you to buy every beer of mine when out that night.
The Guy Who Wants to Hookup With A Girl And Brings a Bottle of Tequila and Even Those Little Tiny Plastic Shot Glasses- We all know this guy, he is probably recently single, or just rather coquettish, and always trying to meet up with your girlfriends friends or your little sister or something like that. He means well enough, although his tactics can definitely be questioned. Women of the world, it is up to you to deal with this guy, you must implore him to do a shot with you, then somehow not do a shot and get him to do both. Then he ends up passed out, drawn on, with various amounts of toilet paper strewn about him. Eventually he learns that the bottle of tequila is not such a great idea.
The Guy Who Wants to Hookup With A Girl And Brings a Bottle of Schanppes- Just like the guy above, but on a little more of a budget. He, due to the decreased potentcy of his beverage, is one to be less weary of. And speaking of money...
The Guy Who Calls to Ask What To Bring Beforehand, Says He will Bring "Something", Then Just Shows Up With a 40- This guy tried to be polite, but he really needs to come to your party just to let loose since he has been so financially stressed lately. So he shows up with his 40 of King Cobra in a bag, then proceeds to drink from the keg, the snooty beer, the tequila, and the schnappes. After like the eighth party of the guy doing this, you know who he is and finally expect it from him. But nothing really needs to be done about him unless you have like eight of these friends and none of the other friends.
Wow, I am glad I was able to get that all out. I am trying to recommit to this bloggernautdom. Believe it or not, it has been nearly three years now of this nonsense getting spewed out to the world. Which is why, I will now, in this sentence, recommit to a weekly post, and in addition, in between, a daily segment called "20 Minutes", which will be exactly that, 20 Minutes of my writing. It might be funny, it might be autobiographical, it might be 78 haikus churned out. Stay tuned. Konichiwa.
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