You have more video games than a teenaged Asian kid

Last week, when I was celebrating with an intimate (no there was no orgy) group of friends Wrigley's the dog's first birthday (and do not laugh at this it was also just a chance to party on a Friday night, and there was enough beer left to have a fine Earth Day celebration the next evening), I began thinking about all the pets I have had in my life. They have ranged in size, playfulness, color, species and many other things, but all have one common thread prevails throughout. My Dad seems to play with fate and cause my pet's demises. Not all of them, mind you, but more than enough to be concerned. Concerned enough that I should probably think about getting some sort of no hassle restraining order on Animal Planet court. My Dad tends to be a very gentle human, constantly hugging people (especially men), tapping people on the arm while telling a joke, or "fixing" something that was previously broken by jamming things where they don't actually fit (it must be the Radway school of fixing shit, because I do the same thing too). So, here is a brief revisionist history (to include my Dad playing a role in all of my pets untimely demise).

Max "Hammy" Radway- brown and black dwarf hamster, acquired for my 9th birthday: This hamster was awesome. He loved his wheel and he used to run on it late at night and annoy the hell out of me. He was actually a very normal hamster I guess. Then all of a sudden he started having green poop and died. I think my Dad secretly had been feeding him Scott's Lawn Care or something, but animal CSI was busy that weekend. After he died, he spent a few quality weeks at a "spa" also known as wrapped in aluminum foil in the freezer. He was then given a proper burial somewhere in the backyard.

Monica-red and white hamster, acquired around age 11: This hamster, named after my favorite female tennis player, Monica Seles, was one boring fat woman hamster. She seldom used the wheel and all she ever wanted to do was eat. Which leads to her demise from morbid hamster obesity at a very young age. Which only leads to certain conjectures as to what she and Dad were doing when they were hanging out. Also, I believe this is the hamster that got trapped behind the toilet in one of those hamster balls when my Dad was home by himself with her.

King Tut-box turtle, acquired around age 12: King Tut was the awesomest turtle the world has ever known. Aside from the whole potentially getting salmonella from him thing, he was everything I never knew a turtle could be. Pretty fast, and a zest for life that you saw in his tiny, beady eyes and his neck lurched out to grab some more of his favorite food, cantolope. Then winter came, and unbeknownst to me, turtles hibernate. So we placed him near a heating vent to keep him warm. My Dad was evidently monitoring the situation, and decided after a few days of not seeing the boy king turtle move, that he would throw him away. Not bury him or anything like that, but basically just pick him and put him in the garbage. I am sure King Tut lives on to this day as a king of some landfill somewhere.

Patches-black and white rabbit, acquired around age 14: Patches was an awesome rabbit. She liked to run around as rabbits are prone to do, while also enjoying a fine nap in the backyard. Unfortunately, her favorite pasttimes involved being out of her cage, and out in the backyard with my Dad as he putzed around. One day, he left her out too long, and we went to the yard to find a rabbit unable to move. She was evidently attacked by some sort of bird of prey and had kicked out so hard she had snapped her spinal cord in half. After a week of some magical Tahitian potion and having to squeeze her bladder to make her pee, she had to be put to sleep. I don't really blame my Dad for this one as he really, really liked Patches.

Wrigley-tricolor beagle, acquired at age 22: She lives on! One time last summer when I was at home for a weekend, Dad did try and allow her to run away, but disaster was averted. We'll have to see how this one plays out.

In certain recent situations it has come to my attention that the majority of people who know me, or whom I am acquainted with, seem to think I am a tad loco, short tempered or hot headed. And I guess I am a bit. But I am definitely not that guy you have to watch and wonder when the next blow up will happen, well except for sometimes. Alright, but it is weird to be out in a social situation and for everyone expecting you to get crazy. Those are the times when I am least likely to get crazy. It is when you think I am fine that I will really get crazy.

Yesterday as I was speaking to my Mom about my new tattoo, I had a random thought. What if tattoos appeared on the person's mother as they received it? Would about half as many tats exist in the world? Of course, I told her that she would probably have no idea about this one as its positioning between my shoulder blades would not lend itself to being viewed that often, since when do you really look at your back unless you are roiding and looking for bacne or if you are very hairy and want to see if it is time for another wax job?

So, I proud to say, I got two applications filled out for my disciple positions. There are still ten remaining, and people are straight up clamoring for these positions. Alright maybe not clamoring, but it may have at least crossed someone's mind somewhere.

Before we finish up, here are some words from pseudo-decent human Jason Mulgrew for all of you who have been going through break ups. Like a cold beer on a hot day, so hot that you pour it on your head instead of drinking it, they really hit the spot:

"For the record, I don’t understand why people break up and then continue to talk to/spend time with their ex’s. This causes infinitely more problems than it is worth (as evinced by Jim’s situation) and is an invitation to emotional retardation (as it inhibits subsequent relationships) and further heartbreak (do you really want to watch someone you were once in love with eat Thai food from across the table and not be able to reach out and touch them? You really think that’s a good idea?). Rare is the relationship that ends because one of those involved no longer has any feelings for the other. Lingering feelings are inherent in break ups. To keep the ex in your life is to foster these lingering feelings at your own demise. When you remove the ex from your life, you remove this and other problems. Break ups are just that, a "break." A break up is not a demotion, whereby one goes from "love of my life" to "friend." That’s just not how it works. And if you act like it does, you are entering a world of pain"

Keep it tasty.

Keep It Tasty

I would like to take this opportunity to encourage everyone to use my newly coined phrase "Keep It Tasty". I am not sure what this means at all, but I think it can mean whatever you want it to mean and can be used in any number of conversational situations:

1)As a goodbye...."See ya" "Yeah, keep it tasty"
2)As a request when eating at a restaurant or having someone prepare food for you... "How do you want it?" "Keep it tasty"
3)As a line for hitting on women....said with emphasis on "Ta" in Tasty....."Keep it TAsty"
4)When trying to break up a verbal or physical confrontation "Come on guys, let's keep it tasty"

So, everyone start saying it. Then you'll know who started the trend. Myself and my 4 blog readers.

As Easter was celebrated this past weekend, I decided (Please note, God(s), that this is meant in no way to be offensive or mocking, but rather I am saying something cool about you, so please, just chill) that I, like Jesus, would also like to have disciples. Everyone I have spoken to on this matter says, "Well, perform some miracles, nut job." (which by the way, I am surprised no one has picked up on a possible nickname for me of "Nut Job")...but I really don't think miracles are all that necessary. I just think people should want to follow me around, who knows, maybe throw a little denial and betrayal in there, and basically we can keep it tasty all the livelong day. Having disciples would mean things like not having to do laundry, probably grocery shop, or even walk as an independant human being (I would get a rikshaw). So basically it would be sweet. If you are interested please fill out the application below:

Name____________________________
Past Disciple Experience____________________________
Are you good at laundry_______________________________
Do you like to drink______________________________
Can you keep it tasty______________________________
Denial or betrayal experience____________________________ (this will not come about when I am being tried for being a Messiah or anything, but rather you will deny you know me when a girl you are macking on at the bar who has always liked me asks if you are one of my friends before you guys make out.....and this is the the betrayal too)
Favorite color of human________________________ (please answer using only colors in 8 Crayon Box)
Least favorite Central American country_____________________
Ideas on tastiest endangered species___________________________
Do you have skills with a crossbow?____________________________
Crunk or drunk?__________________________________

I have been applying myself rather dedicatedly lately to working out, both lifting and running in an effort to....hmmmm...I guess in an effort to have some sort of counter effect on my liquor consumption, and to look good for unwitting women I have yet to meet. Anyways, I have been working out with Brian who is a straight up workout nazi. (Nazi not in the sense that he wears little brown suits with a swastika and a tiny mustache, but rather that he has this shirt that says "I am a workout nazi" that he couples with his brown pants, swastika, and tiny mustache)...but it is great to have someone and sometimes two people (Adam comes too) to workout with, I forgot that it could be fun and not just something that your ultra crazy psychotic mind made you do for fear that the ham sandwich you ate was going to make you fat. Alas, I have said too much.

Last Friday night, Trevor came over, there was drinking and Trevor evidently tried to throw pepper at someone as well as tried to proclaim Logan as the new Ike Turner. Brian also showed up, wasted, mooned everyone in the room and then passed out in a chair, where Logan drew on him. Logan, drunk as he was, was also belligerently trying to find out "What the fuck the count was" and "what inning it was" until I lost it and had to tell him that there was no baseball on anywhere and that sportscenter was on with men discussing the NFL draft. So, that was last Friday, and this Friday can only get crazier. After all, it is a birthday party for a one year old dog.

Saturday Brian and I watched UFC pay-per-view. There were some good fights, but the official drink sponsor of the summer of Tim (whiskey sours) did not enable me to remember all too well. Then we went to some party in Wicker Park, got more drunk (in fact, we were drinking Patron right out of the bottle, and rather than have a sip, I was chugging for about five seconds) and I fell asleep in a chair in front of a live band. This may have angered them.

Alas to the non family member female readership of this blog, here are my qualities for either you to admire, or for you to admire and send unwitting females to me:
I am not funny looking (too much).
I can wiggle my ears.
I know all the President's in order.
I have my own room (and it has a TV).
I am employed.
I have a dog.
I workout.
I have hair clippers if you want to cut your hair really short.
I once did a Yahoo! crossword puzzle with only seven or eight mistakes.
I can probably pick you up. And maybe even carry you around.
I know stuff about plants, but not like in a weird way or anything.
I have a cell phone.
And a watch. But the timer doesn't work on it.
My bed is very comfortable.

That is all. So, disciples, fill out the applications, Ladies feel free to ask if I might have other qualities, or you can just list them.

"Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin."

Ok children, can anyone name today's quote? It is none other than a personal hero of mine, George Costanza. There is an episode of Seinfeld entitled "The Summer of George" which captivates and entertains the mind while also providing a shit ton of humor. George had recently been laid off from the Yankees and had a three month severance package. I was recently dropped like I was hot and while I received no severance package, I did get to realize that life is definitely good. Thus, as I mentioned last week, this is The Summer of Tim. It does not mean I am going to try and change who I am or anything, since I pretty much like that guy already (and many people seem to think I am, at the very lest, awesome as well), but it is more about doing things for me and having fun and doing whatever the hell I want. As I somehow was able to wisely conjure up, "The important people don't go anywhere." *I am adding this as I am in the fifth paragraph of this bullshit log, and I have a warning, this week, not too funny as of yet...very informative, but short on humor*

So far The Summer of Tim has been excellent. Although I have not purchased a recliner with a built in fridge yet (like George), I have done some other crazy stuff. Let me recount a few tales:

On Tuesday morning, while sitting at a client's office, I saw that there were still tickets available for the Cubs game day. So I rapidly telephoned Brian and he was able to get off work for the afternoon and able to reconvince me to make up a lie for work (nut complications....it was perfect...they will never doubt a man having ball pain especially when the man is me and I had random surgery a couple months back....by the way I am not deformed in any way and everything still works great...there is just a cool scar is all...trust me....uhhh...that was weird for me too, but hey, being open is great). So I did, and we ended up buying some tickets on the street for $30 (total) in section 211. It was a crapass game, but the beer (all five of them) were quite delicious and fun was lingering in the air. Then we went to the Cubby Bear where we continued consuming beers at a breakneck pace...which in retrospect was an awful idea. Then everything gets sort of cloudy for the both of us, but we know we went to some other bars or something and then randomly I was by myself on the steps of some apartment building drinking Mad Dog 20/20 with a homeless man. Once again a slight breakdown in the thought making process, and as I told Harry (this was the man's name) when he said "Do you really want to get drunker?" , "I am pretty sure I am already there". Luckily for the sake of my ass, Brian randomly wandered up and began drinking with us. Very weird, I know as I typically do not drink with homeless people or randomly wander off by myself and do so. What ensued was me trying to take the train home, and I am pretty sure all I did was get on trains and pass out, as I missed the transfer to the blue line at least three or four times, and then woke up on the Blue Line at the Forest Park stop. All in all, it took me over three hours to get from Wrigleyville to Oak Park. Wow. It pretty much rocked. Except for the homeless man experience which is like licking a toilet covered in cheap wine. And while very humorous, I pray I never do it again (at least not for the next 23 years, once every 23 is okay).

I guess this is all part of my continuing internship experience with Brian. I first gained the internship when I was a sophomore and Brian was a senior and we pretty much hung out all the time. At some point I became his "intern" wherein I would have to learn things about life, drinking, women, and occasionally fart on command. It was not very good paying, but the lessons have been great. Including every time something seemingly bad happens with me and a girl, Brian has the perfect 1980's Tom Cruise film to watch. The time I got cheated on, it was Risky Business (just say What the fuck). The more recent situation, it was Cocktail (Most things in life, good and bad, just kind of happen). Internships are great.

You may be asking several things right now: "Why is this so not funny this week? What are the songs of the summer of Tim? How do you feel about marshmallow filling? If you were a plant, what would you be?"

1)Humor will come grasshopper. I am funny enough for like seven people most of the time. So deal with it. I am sure Christi, if reading this, would giggle the entire time. (Alright, so that is not really a good barometer of humor since Christi sees her toes and laughs, but hey, what do you want?)

2) There are several songs of The Summer of Tim:

-"Juicebox" by The Strokes. Ever since I went to see this band I cannot stop listening to all of their music. They rock. But especially this song, I have been listening to at the very least 25 times a day. Really, really loud. It is definitely the anthem.

-"I Want You So Hard" by the Eagles of Death Metal. It rocks, Enough said.

-"Pimp Juice" by Nelly anyone that knows me knows that this has been my song for a while now. Jen even made me a sign that said "Pimp Juice Central". Boo-yah

3)Marshmallow filling is definitely overrated and overused. Sometimes it is way too chewy and needs to be a little less chewy, almost like marsmallow creme.

4)Picea pungens. A Colorado Blue Spruce for you not Latin inclined out there. I would be a globe on a standard and nver get bagworms.

Last night I went out with Trevor and myspace acquaintance Victor (who I only met for the first time). Good times were had by all, even though Vic's friend Joe was really wasted and continually was asking me: if I went to school, where I went to school, and what I studied. After a while, as I am prone to do anyways, I just started fucking with him: "Uhh yeah, I went to UConn, played on a national championship team, studied rocket scientry and pigeon migration...now I am just finishing up a rapid three months Phd program at U. of Chicago...it's a yawn"....we drank these weird new Budweiser can/bottles. It was the weirdest thing ever. I hate them,yet feel compelled to love them at the same time.

That is all for now. So, be glad if you are apart of my summer. It is about fun, saying what needs to be said, being open, and letting people basically know what is up. I'm a grown ass man.

I can make that a combo for you for only a dollar more

Let me begin by saying, I abhor Daylight Savings Time. I know one of the man-myths (inappropriately revered, fat womanizer) of American History (Benjamin Franklin) had some shit to do with this *although if you do any real research he wrote humorously on the subject as such a brilliant (overweight) man would do*. This random time change is stupid because, first of all, people are then for days on end referring to "old time". If we are going to change it, shut the fuck up about "old time". It is a new time and even if you stayed up until 7 old time, it is 8 new time. So shut it. It is not some marvel of the human body to adjust your waking and sleeping by one hour. Secondly, springing forward an hour in the spring is dumb. Who cares if it is more daylight? The real reason people stay outside in the spring and summer months is because the weather is nicer. There could be some strange adjustments made in the fall and winter to make days seem longer, but no one would be outdoors enjoying the daylight because it just ain't that fun to be out in the sunlight of an 8 degree day. My sister Eileen commented on this, saying, "Don't you look forward to sitting out in the waning hours of the day under an umbrella drinking a drink?" First of all, I like drinking and may even consider it a new passion to be the world's top drinker, and part deux, I don't care if it is light out or not. Thirdly, there is not thirdly, but American Idol has jumped my personal shark. I also need to start putting random incorrect words in quotes to make people "uncomfortable".

I went to see The Strokes (and kickass opening band The Eagles of Death Metal) on Friday night with my sister Kay. It was real badass throw down sort of music. We even acted like homeless people and I showed proper tutelage to Kay by making an epci sized Jack and Coke in a 2 liter bottle which we brought on the train with us. We kept it homeless on the real. Damn I am gangster.

Well, as many of you recent events have transpired which have changed my life. I am speaking of course about my botox injections. No really I am playing, after a good two year run with the same lady, I have appropriately been redesignated away from that position and will be in search of a new one. So if anyone wants to give me any interviews, that is fine, as this is The Summer of Tim. Fun will follow me, wearing the appropriate party gear (beer dispensing hat, assless chaps, noisemakers) and I will show Fun how it is done. Because Fun has rolled with me on occasion recently, but he forgot what it was really like to sink his meaty, bearlike claws into, well, himself. And God saw it. And it was good. (Props God, respect ((uhh basically, I am trying not to be struck down for again using Your name in the blog)) and I'll make you some veggie dip like you enjoy). Ready to Rock and Roll? I am going to buy a drum set and make some of the most arrythmic white man noises ever. People will love me and I will join the great interchangeable band.

ONE

Ravioli, Holy Cannoli

The other day I was flipping through the channels, and Anne Rice's "Interview with a Vampire" was on. It may have possibly been one of the worst interviews ever in the history of the world. And I think Anne Rice should suck it. So, without further ado, here is my (7% fictional) Interview with a Vampire:

Tim:So, blood, take it or leave it?

Vampire: We do like blood, but I also enjoy a good tuna sandwich now and then. People just think ooo, you must love blood, but you know what? Not really. It is tasty at times, but not exactly the best. It is like a normal person with Spam. You don't mind eating it once in a while, but you don't exactly crave it.


Tim:And, can you guys really turn into bats?

Vampire: Fuck no. I wish, although at the same time I don't wish. Bats aren't exactly the fearsome creatures that people think. They are blind as shit and have to rely on some sort of sonar type crap to fly around...and they don't fly fast either. One of my vampire cousins, and I think this was a genetic mutation, could actually turn into a hedgehog. But it wasn't really all that useful and always got his ass kicked.


Tim:So, who do you side with, Brad or Jen?

Vampire: That Jen Anniston is one fine piece of ase. I would not mind biting her neck and making her live forever. And I have no loyalty to Brad just because he played a vampire in that one movie, because he sucked and obviously did not research the role very well. I mean, what kind of no talent ass clown wears frilly shirts? Even if it is a period movie, vampires are generally well behind in the fashion times. I mean look at me, I only rock this leisure suit because, hey...I'm about to live forever, why buy new clothes?


Tim: Favorite curse word?
Vampire: (long pause, scratching chin) Bitchass. (chuckles) I don't know why, but it has a sonorous ring to it.


Tim: I don't think you are any more exciting then any other creepy ass pale guy wearing outdated clothing. In fact, I hate you. (gets up and leaves)

So, I finally got a role of film back that had pictures from May 5th of last year all the way through last week. Included was a picture of Brian and me right before Vegas when I was rocking the mustache. It was sweet. Incredibly creepy and now I know exactly why it drove people away from me. It was damn creepy and just as equally awesome.

The spring finally seems to be arriving around here. And I have some special tips for any albino people/people with rare skin disorders that get sunburn in normal light:

1)Make sure your special suit has no holes. Think how much your friends will mock you when you have that one spot of charred, black skin. Don't be a tard.

2)Make sure to make up some fun games that don't include running or balls, as these might cause you to puncture your suit (see #1)

3)Fuck it, don't even go outside...in fact stay away from the windows in your house too. That way you never even have to wear your suit and you can just sit inside and play video games and eat bacon. It;s not really my problem that you have a rare skin disorder, or my job to come up with tips for you.

That is all. Bow at my feet.

Oops I forgot

I forgot to actually discuss what I did on my birthday. Haley (who remembered thank God), took me out to eat to a restaurant called The Clubhouse. Here, I ate the largest sandwich known to man (http://www.theclubhouse.com/Oakbrook/dinner.cfm... scroll way down on the left, it is the one called the Clubhouse Sandwich)....but I could actually only eat not even half and was mocked by the waitress for this...Haley had some pasta with vodka sauce and some crazy oatmeal cookie inspired martini...but it was very excellent and the place had a very swanky sort of feel to it. I definitely enjoyed it. And Haley evidently did not pull out her hair as much as she usually does on peoples birthdays (she knows I am a very simple man) and got me the Superman Boxed Set on DVD as well as Kicking and Screaming. It was good times. Thanks Haley for not making me get alcohol poisoning on my birthday!

"Would I rather be feared or loved? Um... Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."

For those of you who dislike humor, the above is another quote from the Office. I actually used it last week when I posted my blog on myspace because the quote I used on here wouldn't fit. You would think I am really up with the times, what with all this blogging and discussing something called "myspace", which coincedentally is actually not my space at all, but rather a website where they force me to login to my own predetermined space. I am glad, in the realm of actuality, I am not constantly having to login to inhabit my own space. That was deep, I think I just blew my own mind. Wow.

Well for those of you who forgot or missed it, last Monday, March, 20, was my birthday. Don't be upset or feel bad if you forgot it, it is no big deal. And if you did forget it, you might be asking, "Tim, why did you not remind me? Tim, I think I might have feelings of hatred for you, can you deal with that? Tim, ever hear of bathing?"....

1)It is awkward to tell someone it is your birthday. It is like fishing for a compliment, present, cake, burned CD, or cool pez dispenser. I imagine this might be how it feels if you are handicapped or something and you have to remind people so that you receive sympathy (and that would come about way more often than your birthday...like "Hey Ronnie, wanna play some kickball?" "Guys, I was born without legs"....so I have decided that all people of the world need to come together and devise some sort of system wherein a person whose birthday is that day (or who is handicapped) can pretty simply let everyone know without directly saying "HEY IT IS MY BIRTHDAY, TREAT ME LIKE THE ROYALTY I MIGHT BE AS MY LINEAGE HAS NEVER BEEN TRACED BACK THAT FAR!"...I am thinking when someone asks you, "How are you?" on the day of your birthday, you tilt you head slightly to the left, wink with your right eye and knowingly say, "Good."...it might work....as an aside...my good friend Brian and I actually spoke twice on my birthday and even though he had asked me the previous Saturday if my birthday was on Monday, he still forgot to say Happy Birthday...oh well...23 is not that huge of a milestone or anything.

2)I can deal with your feelings of hatred as long as they are well placed and enable to you to have some sort of special ability involving fire.

3)I actually do bathe at least once a day and prior to my hospital visit (when I missed a day) I had done so everyday since sometime in 7th grade. (Don't tell my sister Nora I missed a day, she marvels at this streak and I am like her personal Cal Ripken of personal hygiene). So, that smell is not me.

The second topic I would like to address today is away messages used in messaging programs such as AOL Instant Messenger, MSN Messenger, Yahoo Messenger or whatever the hell else you kids are using these days. I, like many others in the world, use AIM and have a compulsive disorder where I check away messages about 750 times a day. But, I just might have to stop after what I have been seeing lately. Really people, you are sucking away brain cells everytime I look at your tiny yellow note that indicates why you are away.

1)"I am away from my computer right now." Put a funny quote, inform me as to your actual activity or location, or put a link to something mildly funny/offensive. Just don't put this boring ass message up. I especially hate it when I am sitting at my computer, I see someone appear online, and then instantly this message goes up. Did you go online just to tell people you were away?

2)Showering away messages, such as "Naked with water", "All naked and wet and dripping, come join me!" or the myriad other stupid ones. So, when I said I do not want to see the away message in #1, I did not want full disclosure unless you are going to give it all the time, which would actually be pretty funny. "I'm in the shower" "I am going to bed, but first hoping E! has something I can get my jollies to" "I am looking at porn right now, don't bug me"...if you are going to tell me you are showering, tell me everything you are doing when not at the computer, then it will be funny. Also, it is primarily guys who put up these messages and especially the latter type with some dumb shit like, "Come join me!"...I know of zero girls who are sitting around checking away messages and get all turned on by the idea of a guy showering and decide to accept his invitation and join him for his naked wetness. Props to Sarah P. who has had the only showering away message I ever guffawed at, "Cleaning my birthday suit"...

3) "I am playing a computer game that takes up the entire screen"....no you're not...who the fuck even plays computer games in this day in age anymore? I am sure lots of people, but most of the time it is just people who put up this away message because it is one of the ones that comes with the program.

I would like to see a renaissance of creativity in terms of away messages. And, since I seldom talk to anyone on it anyways, I might just have to stop using it and just get rid of the program altogether. I would be the true innovator then. (PS I know my away messages are stale at times too, but I am just trying to keep up with the Joneses....there was my golden era of away messages, when people used to tell me they logged on just to see what mine was....maybe i can make some up later)

That is all. If I don't get a minimum of three comments, I will not post next week.

"Abraham Lincoln once said that 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North' and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace"

Ahhh....The Office. You must respect that show. Because you want to know why?

-It is funny.
-Dwight.
-Steve Carrell.
-Although a caricature, it offers many real office type shit

And of the funnier things about this show is the time my Dad was up here helping to move stuff in, and it was on and I asked him if he watched it, he replied "I prefer the British one." I never would have expected that sort of snooty reply from my father, the man who often has to feign being awake when watching television. And while it is true I have never seen the British version of the Office, I'll stick with the 'Merican one thanks.

For those of you familiar with the "rap" "artist" Sean Paul, I would like to encourage you to join in my legal battle encouragement. Mind you, I do not want to get into a legal battle, I merely want to encourage one by Disney versus the aforementiond Sean Paul. The reason being, and I for some reason did not realize this until I heard him say "banana" in a song, is that Sean Paul sounds nearly identical, both in form and function to the Rafiki character from the Lion King. The things he says make about as much sense and plus it would be hilarious to see this one play out in court. The voice of Rafiki, Michael Eisner, and Sean Paul all in one courtroom.

Rafiki: A hoop-de-anna, ripe banana
Sean Paul: DUN-DAY-AH. Ripe Banana. Annabella!
Michael Eisner: This is clearly a ploy by Mr.Paul to infringe on a character that we stole from stereotyping black people!
Sean Paul: Objection! JUST GIMME DA LIGHT!
Rafiki: (swings at Sean Paul with stick)
Judge Judy: I'm the boss applesauce! Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining!

As you can see it would be one funny ass trial.

Thinking back to the first blogoff, when Trevor and I debated nicknames, there are some even funnier actual names in the world of sports that I wanted to point out:

-Bum Ho Lee (baseball player representing Korea in WBC): I think I might move to Korea and help parents with the naming of their children when it comes to being represented in the anglofile world. For instance, a name like "Bum Ho", I might discourage. I also might discourage Korean people from getting drunk and discussing their dreams of being transgendered, but that is a whole different story for another day.

-Miroslav Satan- This is some hockey player guy (who unfortunately has his name pronounced SHA-tahn and also has unfortunately never played for the New Jersey Devils...imagine that headline Satan leads Devils to Victory...no shit) who has a really funny last name to see coming across the ESPN ticker. Satan, two goals, one assist, three added to purgatory.

This past weekend, one of our soon to be ex-housemate's friend's decided he was going to battle it up with: the washer, the wall, a door, and a wardrobe. (sidenote: trevor and I discussed having a blogoff about the following but ever since the last blogoff, I am slightly weary of how the appliances in the house would respond). First of all, who attacks inanimate objects? (Trevor also pointed out my losing battle versus a radiator one time when I was drunk) Secondly, why the washer? Now, for your pleasure and information, I will discuss the threatingness and friendliness of household appliances:

Washer- Although noisy, it never turns on by itself and generally provides only good to the user. It is not overly threatening, and a difficult apparatus on which to injure yourself.

Dryer- One of the more apathetic of household appliances. At times, it will do its job very well, and other slack off and end up taking forever. It is moody and slightly tempermental, so you should probably avoid fighting it.

Toaster Oven- Can cause burns on the body, burns on food, and can cause fires. If you were looking to beat up hardcore on an appliance, this would be a good one because you could totally manhandle it.

Hot Water Heater- Don't fuck around with ths behemoth. First of all, it does something that separates us from goddamn Little House on the Prairie days in that we no longer have to boil our water over a big fire. Secondly, it is huge and metal and involves heat. It is also scary as if daring you to fight it. No thank you.

Central Heater-Very threatening. No one quite understands how it works. And if you recall it nearly ate Kevin in Home Alone. This is like the Charles Manson of appliances.

Microwave- Tries to be inviting with functional buttons like: "Minute Plus", "Popcorn" and "Defrost", but fuck around with it and suddenly you'll have dangerous rays coming at you all the time as well as the wrath of a Hot Pocket that is bubbling over bu frozen in the middle.

Refrigerator- Inviting, warm light. If mistreated will vindictively freeze some of the liquids and solids near the back and cause things in the front to spoil. You better treat this gal right.

Also, although I am not on it yet, I thought of my first recurring SNL skit yesterday. It would be a short skit entitled "Frankenstein Tries to Fake Cry to earn Brownie Points with a Lady" Each week the announcer would fill us in as to what Frankenstein was trying to fake cry for that week such as, "Frankenstein this week will be fake crying due to the loss of a hamster from the girl he likes" Then we would see Frankenstein trying to act like he is crying to get some brownie points. The possibilities are endless. "This week Frankenstein has been asked to deliver the eulogy at Werewolf Man's funeral even though he didn't like him" or "This week Frankenstein tries to act moved by a song at the Dave Matthews concert even though he is stoned off his ass" But I don't want to divulge all of my secrets.

NCAA time. woo fucking hoo. Holla at me wit some comments.

Even I annoy myself at times

Alright foos I was able to do some ruminating and come up with some mild to non-humor to entertain your enraptured minds for the week, especially since some people who read this blog (Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, Warren and Jimmy Buffett, etc.) do not make any moves prior to the reading of this blog. Call it social responsibility, but I feel I have to come up with something, and this week I have come up with the literary equivalent of monkey spew.

I recently switched my alarm clock radio (which has survived since freshmen year of college despite many falls from the windowsill) from the prison raid style buzzer to the radio option. And, you now ask, what radio station did you set it to? Did you set it to some loud ass music station? Or a station where Gilbert Gottfried just makes shrill noises 24 hours a day? (which by the way, if this ever happens, it was all me) No, I instead opted for an easy listening station. It is great. I hear nothing but soft rock for all of the four times I end up hitting the snooze button every morning. I hear such great songs as "Have I told you lately (that I love you)", "Various titles by Matchbox 20", "John Mayer Gay-Fest '06" and other such titles. Frankly I cannot really remember them more than five minutes after I hear them because I am always sleeping or near sleep when they come on. But, it has been a great lifestyle choice.

The other day Logan and I went to hoop it up at DU and you would have thought it was international day or something. Half the gym was occupied with "soccer" (which claims to be a popular sport) and the other half were actual people playing cricket. Are you serious? Cricket and soccer were infringing on my b-ball time? It was...(prepare for offensive word that sets people off) gaytarded. Or to be politically correct homosexually-developed-mentally-disabled.

I just realized that I actually did successfully break my streak of getting stiches every year in 2005. I got them in 2003 (basketball collision), 2004 (jousting American Gladiator style) but not 2005. But now I got stiches in my nuts in '06, which makes up for several year without stiches.

Regarding my post yesterday, I don't understand how I have to end up paying a similar amount to those people who say, accidentally cut off their arms with chainsaws. That is why insurance is sort of stupid. And if anyone wants to give me money or hire me to work for them (part-time, after work and all I do is entertain you) I would gladly accept. Because the plan of new (used) car in '06 looks to be postponed until way later in the year. Which disappoints me.

I have been bugging the hell out of myself recently with my use of the word "phenomenal". I have no idea why I keep saying it, and saying it in regards to everything, when in fact, many things have no relation to phenomena. For example:

"How about that weather, Tim?"
"It's phenomenal"

"That dinner was good"
"It certainly was phenomenal"

And, I say it in some sort of annoying way as if I have been in a posse with Dick Vitale and my good friend Gilbert Gottfried for a while. So, if I am around you and say this word. Tell me to shove it. Seriously, shove it.

Well crap-a-roo

So today, an ever enjoyable $939.54 bill showed up from the hospital which is the portion of my little hospital visit that insurance evidently decided they did not wish to pay. But, I guess since the overall charges were around $16,000 I cannot complain about having to pay $939.54, except for the fact that it decimates my savings and whatnot. But there are worse things. And, as "they" "always" say about "money", "You can't take it with you, and you can't get in the champagne room without it either...it must have some use, fuck it let's go buy cheap liquor and get wasted."

Not much has been happening. I have been working. My mind has been fairly boring, leading me to nothing to write about in this weeks blog. All of you can suck it. Maybe I will think of something funny sometime soon. Maybe before I am even finished typing this sentence....nope. Didn't happen. I'll write something some other time, but when the muse isn't there, it just isn't there. It is probably busy hanging out with Isaiah Thomas and lending him "creative" ways as to how to build a basketball team.

It will cost at least 15,000 Thai Baht (384.71 dollars) For me to make a life out of blogging

Seriously, if anyone out there is running a mega-corporation and wants me to type up some funny ass shit week after week to boost employee morale (and deflate egos when necessary as well as excessively market Eggo Waffles), go ahead contact me. I can't promise much, just something weekly to keep the employees on their toes and to boggle corporate nanostructure and other such hierarchal prototypes. See, I am already familiar with the BS kind of language large corporations enjoy.

I would like to learn to play the game mah-jongg as was portrayed with boredom in such films as "The Joy Luck Club" and "Weekend at Bernie's II". Only I want to learn to play it with some authentic Asian people, mainly so I can begin wearing kimonos, and gossiping at a nail salon. It is my unalienable right, right? Who doesn't deserve to play some sort of weird tile game, drink some saki, and talk about how poorly Meng is doing in school and how husband #1 dislikes jasmine rice.

Ever since my emergency nut surgery, I have a glowing new outlook on life. Very few things can even get me the least bit flustered, because in every situation I just ask myself, "Is this worse then getting your nuts sliced open?" The answer, in all non-fatal situations, is almost always no. So, a deadline at work is rapidly approaching and you haven't done shit? No big deal. You don't have any food to eat for the next week? It's not worse then a three inch scar down the side of your balls when all you did was go to sleep at night. I think everyone should aspire to have something like this happen, because it really helps out with perspective.

I am very pumped up about the upcoming Chicago Cubs season and summer in general. I already grilled out one night last week even though it was rather cold and dark. I purchased tickets to two games in Chicago, and one in Milwaukee (I have seven tickets for the Milwaukee game and have thus far invited 3 people, so let me know if you might want to ride up July 7) and my uncle has invited me to two games, plus the game or two that Haley's Dad normally gives us tickets to...wow-ie. It's gonna be a fun summer.

Last week I got a phone call that falsely got my hopes up about finding a job in Advertising. They called me and seemed to really want to get a hold of me (as they left several messages) so I called back and setup an interview. Then I was talking to Trevor and told him about this what I thought was kickass opportunity only for Trevor to reveal to me that this company, although it had advertising in its name, was actually like a bottom feeder of the advertising world and that he had worked there for one day before finding out that the first year of "field work" involved door to door sales of Golf Course Packages and Applebee's Gift Cards on a commission basis. To DC Advertising Inc, I have this to say, "You are a bunch of dumbass idiots if you think men of wit and genius, such as myself and Trevor Giancarlo( a modern day version of Bill Shakespeare and Ben Johnson)will sell your crap door to door, then you though way wrong....strike that...it is beyond way wrong, it is unrealistic and unfathomable thinking. I should have the management of your corporation spayed and neutered before reproduction can take place. Thank you. PS, maybe your new corporate slogan can be, 'We sell crap and call ourselves advertisers, and those people who put up billboards are advertising facilitators too, oh wait nevermind we are all just a bunch of idiots (monkey noises)'"

On a totally related note, Manute Bol, a 7'6" former NBA star straight out of the Sudan was arrested this week on domestic abuse charges. I know it may sound insensitive, but nothing makes me laugh more than the idea of this man abusing someone. I mean, if domestic abuse were to ever be funny, would it not be in this instance? I think yes. I think yes indeed.

Well, Dominican spring break is coming up, and it is my first one since school ended. Haley and some of her posse are heading on an enviable 24 hour drive to AZ to visit her brother. As much as 24 hours in a car sounds like not fun (and I know what the contingency of my readers who live in their cars and are otherwise homeless are thinking, "Try 168 hours a week in a car you pansyass.") , I wish I could go. Because it will be warm and sunny and fun. Oh well. That's life.

Funny little story

The following story is of moderate humor. Not extreme humor. Not "I want to die now because nothing will ever be funny again after this" humor. Moderate humor.

Last night, Haley and I dined at The Signature Room, a ritzy, classy, snobby, yachting, Clarence Dewbury V, sort of place located on the 95th Floor of the John Hancock building. I had won employee of the quarter at work and that entitles the winner to $100 reimburseable to dinner, thus The Signature Room.

The experience was great except for one thing, our creepy waiter named Charles. Charles was a tall, skinny man with a creepy goatee and an even creepier voice. He spoke in a hushed, deep voice and said things like "How is everything? (wait for response) Awesome." (I have my suspicions, especially after reading the informative "How to Survive a Robot Attack" that this man was a robot). So Charles was creepy and I guess the service at this kind of fancy restaurant is superb(ly creepy) as well. They do things like put your napkin on your lap and whatnot. I would not know about this since I normally eat potato chips dipped in ketchup while laying in the bathtub at least seven meals a week (oh wait, no I don't I'm not slob ass like Jason Mulgrew).

Anyway, as we were dining I noticed whenever people left, Charles was helping them put their coats on. So, I told Haley "I do not want Charles to hel me put my coat on" Call me crazy, but I know how to put my own coat on. The gesture is lovely, say from a man to his wife, but from a creepy waiter to a 22 year old man, not as lovely.

So I formulated a couple plans in my mind:
1)Haley and I would stand and put our coats on at the same time, that way Charles would be obligated to help the lady.
2) Since the cost to me was still low for such a great meal, I would leave an even more generous tip than usual and hope that Charles would leave me alone.

I informed Haley of these plans, all the while she was rather enjoying my fear of a Charles-aided-coat-putting-on (by the way, that is a real word I just used). So, I had left the tip and I made sure Charles was out of sight, I gave Haley the go sign. Then two problems struck:

1)Haley, amused, slipped on her coat while still seated. I had to rapidly stand while glancing around nervously and tried to just throw my coat on. Charles appeared out of nowhere, as I felt my coat become very lightweight as Charles had taken a hold of it and was helping me put it on. This is when I learned of problem number 2.

2)Charles as he was helping me with my coat said, and I quote these words directly "Thank you so, so much. Your tip was very generous. I would not have rushed over here to help you with your coat if it hadn't been." (By the way, this place is crazy fancy and I am sure he must get bigger tips than the $32 I left on the $120 dollar bill, who will ever know)

So, I dug my own grave. Thanks Charles. I will never wear a coat again.

Inspected By #8

First of all, I would like to say that my accounting "house" ( I have decided all businesses should be called houses a la publishing house...it just makes work sound funny, although still not fun. And my roommate Derek said, "It sounds weird for me...I work at an Industrial Parts Supply House"....too funny) employs a intellectual property and patent lawyer.

Now that I have that out of the way, the title to this weeks blog is the title of my yet unwritten screenplay. It will be a comedy loosely based on my life, thoughts and whatnot. The main character will be an "inspector". Because I was thinking the other day, those people who inspect more typically than not lower grades of apparel (underwear, Fruit of the Loom T's, socks) and leave their little sticker "Inspected by 8", do they begin to identify themself as that? Is this their identity? Do they have their number tattooed on themself? Are their brutal murders over these numbers, either between two numbers or when someone thinks the quality of their product is subpar and 8 needs to get shanked?

Here is a scene from the film:

(Zoom in to warehouse, full of numeric inspectors. Car approaches, slams on brakes. Angry customer approaches front desk, holding what they see as a less than perfect tagless Hanes undershirt)

Angry Customer: Where the FUCK is 8, man? I am not playing!
8: I'm 8, and I suggest you keep your voice down (said real creepy Clint Eastwood like)
Angry Customer: This shirt is threadbare!
8: (wielding homemade shank made out of sharpened toothbrush) Threadbare, WHAT?

(8 walks away from now dead body)

8:Don't fuck with 8, man!

Alright, so that will not actually be a scene in my film unless I want DMX in it as "8". I plan on writing more of a comedy. It will be funny, and I guarantee at least three chuckles by viewers. This above scene will be when some crappy screenplay guy wants to adapt my idea into a movie starring Jean Claude Van Damne as the inspector protaganist/antagonist trying to save his leukemia-ridden child.

Life is good. The screenplay is still a couple humorous years away from its inception. But you can wait. I mean, when was the last time you saw a movie that changed your life? And made you pee in your pants? And made you wish you were a ninja too? This is that movie.

I had the good fortune of going to see The Blue Man group this past Saturday night. It was phenomenally hilarious and all in all a crazy experience. I recommend it to anyone who has not seen it. I did have some "ruminations" (trademarked as well) about the show:

-Why blue?
-How do those guys not smile the whole time?
-Why did I have to sit next to smelly old people?
-Would the green man group catch on?
-What did people think when this show first started in 1989 or whatever?
-If I were to try the crack the Blue Men smoked, where would I acquire such crack?
-I would like a candy bar right now. A Whatchamacallit.


My U of L Cardinals continue to play mediocre basketball. Their season motto seems to be "We can play with anyone, but not win". Luckily the baseball season is right around the corner. Trevor, Joe, and I are going to try the baseball season feat of 9 hot dogs and 9 beers in a 9 inning game. It will be fun. I am only worried about back to back 1-2-3 innings. That could be rough.

Also, thank all of you for your thoughtful blog feedback and ideas and just plain support. Yeah right, you would be like a Ron Jeremy used jockstrap being used on Trevor...no support and just plain too big.

What a past couple of weeks

These past two weeks, dating back to January 28th, have been crazy. January 28th began normally enough...I woke up to go to work for a few hours on a Saturday, Logan and I went and bought 12 40's including the exquisite tastes of Camo and Big Bear (a 40 featuring an angry bear on the label...it really does not get much better than that). We started drinking at around 1:30 and got quite drunk which led to some unexplained wrestling which led to me having some unexplained rug burn on my forehead which looked like some sort of AIDS legion.

Sunday, I was awakened at 7:30 am with the need to puke. I thought after this puking session it was simply that angry bear fluid I had imbibed the previous day wanting to attack the toilet (where it had seen a delicious picnic basket). Then I kept puking all day, and all night. I could keep nothing down, not even water. At some point I figured I might be sick. When this vomitorium continued to Monday, I knew I was sick.

So, on Monday I laid around puking and watching TV and had to miss work even with a number of January 31st deadlines rapidly approaching. But seriously, I would have just been puking everywhere.

I forced myself to go to work on Tuesday for the sake of my deadlines, but I still felt like poop.

Then on Tuesday evening, Haley told me she wanted a break or needed space. I wrote some now removed blogs regarding the subject matter, but let me just say I was in a severely bad place for about two weeks after this. So that badness continued throughout up until this past Monday.

Then, last Tuesday morning, I was awakened at 2am with a stabbing pain in my right testicle. I tried to shrug it off and go back to sleep, but it was too much pain...so much in fact that I threw up in my trash can. I drove myself to the ER and within a few hours I was being sliced open to repair torsion of the testicle (it is now my job to warn the young men of the world of this horrible ailment. According to my surgeon, it can occur up to the age of 30....so watch out.(http://www.pedisurg.com/PtEduc/Torsion_of_the_Testicle_or_Testis.htm)

I know what many are thinking right now: "Who did you kill, Tim? What did you do to deserve all this? Am I allowed to laugh at you and your shameful state of life?"

As a fan of the NBC show, My Name is Earl, where a man sets out to reverse his karma from all the bad things he has done in life, I think maybe the religion blogoff, where I defiled every major world religion, definitely did not help my cause. And, I am thinking about removing it if bad things continue to happen.

But, the surgery was a success, my ball was saved, and that may have been when good things started to happen. Things are good with Haley again, my balls are healing, and nothing too majorly bad has happened. Aside from when I broke that mirror pulling into our garage on Monday. And yes, that really did happen.

So, life is going well again, and I just hope to make it through this week without any further major mishaps (I think death is next anyways).

Sorry God(s), Tom Cruise, etc.

Ever since I finished my portion of the religion blogoff with Trevor, my life has gone in the toilet. Nothing good has happened and a great number of bad things which include, but are not limited to:

-My dog biting my nose and drawing blood
-Rug Burn on my forehead
-The flu
-My girlfriend issues (not even on the same level as the other things, by far the worst part)
-Knocked off the sideview mirror on my car
-Surgery on one of my balls

Therefore, God(s), and Tom Cruise, I am sorry. My bad, I take back those things I said about whomever I offended. And I am not just doing this to protect myself from further harm, but because I see now what is going on. Things have already begun improving though, and I hope this apology only sweetens things up a little.

Blogoff II- Religion (Long, but a good read)

The subject of this blogoff is of rather epic proportion for the world of academia. I plan on theologically, irrationally, offensively, circumnavigationally, purportedly, otherbigwordedly tearing apart every major religion that the world has to offer. My less worthy adversary, Trevor “Oprah” (see earlier blogoff) Giancarlo, will then attempt to form sentences that make sense in any language and MAYBE argue with me about these religions. No holds barred. And, I hope you are offended/inclined to quit religion (unless you want to start a new one where you go to bars with me and buy me drinks) after reading this brilliant pursuit of higher theological thinking.
Roman Catholicism-
Motto “Don’t worry about what you did wrong, you can be absolved really fast”.

This is by far the religion with which I am the most familiar and therefore the easiest to make fun of. Catholics of the world, get real. You are in a cult. You go to strange looking buildings and chant things along with other people as well as singing things with them. You are led by a man wearing strange colored robes who may or may (yes I purposely omitting the not) seduce young children. Some other ridiculously funny things about Catholics:

-They believe that God created Earth in seven days. I know plenty of Catholics who couldn’t do far simpler tasks in a week. Of course you say, they do not claim to be God, but I think it’s in the bylaws of their religion that they are not allowed to say things like that.

-Transubstantiation (the changing of the bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ) is weird no matter how you slice it (pun intended). Some just say that it is the symbol of this change, but hardcore Catholics say it actually happens like some sort of Siegfried and Roy trick. You fucking cannibals.

-Your Bible is no more based in reality than are the Greek myths of history. Good stories, I will give you that, but to live life based on the Bible and the things it says? That’d be like me waking up early every morning to try and catch a ride in the Sun God’s chariot.

-The only good thing I like about this religion is Jesus. That is a man I would like to party with. And I think Jesus liked to throw down…liquor (the wine trick at the wedding), hookers (Mary Magdalene), his bros always with him (apostles).

Christianity-
Motto- “We’re Catholics without the carbs”

Christianity is in many ways, an even bigger joke than Catholicism. There are many different sects and they all seem to share a general love for saying they are different and having weird people go to their churches. I will discuss a few of the sects that I know some about.

Baptist-
Motto- “Party like it’s 1999! (with God)”

In movies, these are always black people who seem to have a really fun time at Church. In fact, being Baptist looks awesome, and I might even go to a fine black Baptist church, except I think you really have to believe. Baptist people also go to Church a couple of times a week and that is really lame.

Episcopalian-
Motto- “We might be aliens, because we sure as hell worship like them”

When I was little we knew someone of this persuasion and called them “Episcopal Aliens”. My older sister and I were also told the churches of these aliens had red doors. It did not help matters that the woman we knew of this faith spoke (and still speaks to this day) in a very loud voice. I thought this religion consisted of aliens who talked really loud. That is some horrible PR for you guys, whatever the hell you believe.

Pentecostal-
Motto- “We really are aliens…no seriously come visit our ‘Church’” One time my Grandma invited our family to her new church. It was Pentecostal. Everyone in my family agrees that was one of the weirdest experiences in our lives. People began speaking in tongues and falling to their knees and all that other crazy shit. Then us kids were intercepted and got to go hang out with other kids and Pastor Bob. We got some kickass hackysacks out of the experience, so I guess it wasn’t half shabby.

Unitarian-

Motto- “More Roller Derby Champions Than the other Faiths” One of Eileen’s friends was a

Unitarian (I think) and we got to go to someplace and go roller skating. Unitarians, ergo, love roller skating. Not bad for a religion I guess.

Mormon
Motto- “Many wives!” or “Keeping it really white” or “Go Utah Jazz!”

There are a few main things everyone knows about Mormons; they are polygamists, they love themselves some Utah; they like to wear short sleeved button downs; and to keep it anon their founder was named Joseph Smith. I have known a couple of Mormons in my life and these people were nice, almost to the point of being like, damn, if I become a Mormon will I get nicer? But there are some negatives to the Mormon faith:
-Forget the second “M” and you are nothing but another capitalized Moron
-You will hardly ever get to see anything besides Caucasians
-You will be starring for the University of Utah basketball team; at the age of 34, after your mission. This makes you horribly undesirable to play pro ball
-The founder of your religion wrote it down while putting his head in some sort of burlap sack where angels spoke to him. Mormons, get serious, it was a dimebag of cocaine.

On an episode of South Park one time, God revealed that only Mormons were the correct worshippers. So, maybe try it.

Judaism
Motto- “More chutzpah then Elijah”

Are you serious, what sort of religion is this? It is nothing more than a bunch of cynical people who think the “Messiah” has yet to come and sit around waiting. True, I have not met that many Jewish people, and that is why they have yet to know that I have arrived. Jewish people, I know what you are thinking, “What have you done for me lately Tim, any miracles or anything? How do we know you aren’t just another Jesus-type?”

Tim- Mother was Mary
Jesus- Mother was Mary

Tim- Born in a city where his parents went to be counted and pay taxes (I am sure there was a census at some point)
Jesus- Born in Bethlehem, his homedaddy’s town

Tim- Once stayed sober enough into the night to go buy a bunch more beer when it appeared it had run out
Jesus- The wine thing at the wedding

Tim-Miraculously does accounting related work with little or no knowledge of accounting
Jesus- Did some miracles or something

Tim- I invited a Jewish friend over for Christmas
Jesus- ???

So, my fair locked lox loving friends, whassup

Islam
Motto- “Allah u akhbar, Jihad, Allah we do not stand for the Star Spangled Banner or Eat Pork and basically we combined some other religions and all Mohammed heard were some crazy stories after hanging out at the hookah a little too long”

The Islamic people of the world just need a PR makeover. These people and their religion are really no more ridiculous that any of the other ones out there. People got so upset that the Koran may have promised some number of virgins for Jihad and could not believe a text would say something like that. Hey Catholics, you drink blood! Jews you’ve got the first fucking five in the Old Testament, and I’m sure there’s nothing made up in there! Christians, you are just plain weird!

Buddhism-
Motto- “We have a fat happy man that represents us everyone else has skinny people”

Buddhists, your founder was more than likely a Hindu and also the stories about him are ridiculously exaggerated. And plus it is stupid and boring to try and achieve all that boring ass bullshit that you guys talk about. How about a religion based on beating people up or something? Or lighting yourself on fire as a demonstration? Oh wait, you retards do that…no one cares…it is only one less boring ass religious zealot around.

Hinduism- Motto- “Rig Veda Bitches”
This is yet another confused religions where the early followers just kept making more shit up. As I have learned, it was primarily passed down as oral tradition for thousands of years. Just think if someone like Dr.Seuss got a hold of the stories and changed them. Come to think of it, he probably did as many of your deities have many arms and animal parts…I think Ganesha was actually the Lorax…retards

Scientology- Motto-
“We’ve got Tom Cruise!”…three months later “Uhhh…John Travolta?”

Your religion was invented by a god awful science fiction writer. Did anyone like Battlefield Earth? Oh yeah, that was the guy who made up Scientology. And you have an idiot midget like Tom Cruise keeping your name around. Congrats!

Cults-
Motto- “Charles Manson, Anthropomorphic Kool-Aid Pitchers and More”

All of these religions are cults, so why not just join an actual cult anyways? Just pick one out and hope that it catches on…next thing you know you will either be dead (and be wearing some really weird article of clothing while you do it, like a modified poncho with a built in umbrella) or part of the next hot religion. It could be just as hit or miss historically as all these other faiths.

TimothyC.Radwayism-
Motto- “Rock out with your cock out”

Just follow me around, write down everything I say and buy me liquor. This will fulfill your path to enlightenment. If I’m happy, my followers are happy. Boom. And we can draw on Trevor occasionally when he drinks too much.

Trevor, may I quote Colossians 8:12: “Trevor Giancarlo is a bitch with a brain the size of a colony of cockroaches, and about the functionality” Holla back , bia bia.

GIANCARLO RESPONSE TIME Tim after reading this tomfoolery I am going to be forced to strike you with the foce of the lightning bolts your pagan God and sexual fantasy Zeus does.

Catholicism-First off, cults never have and never will make up over 1/2 the world's population, so clearly this religion may have more substance than going to odd buildings and chanting. And more importantly this is the religion that the greatest breeds of the people follow...clearly this breed is the Italians...but Latinos follow it too but they are just darker Italians without the good looks, intelligence, sophistication, or genetalia girth.

Regarding the stories of the Bible, what's key here is not the actual wording, but the subtext of continuous lesson teching regarding moral and ethical behavior, and simpler of right vs. wrong. It's kind of like when you frequently search through your magazine erotica collection...you're supposed to do more than look at the pictures, there are words too that need analysis. There's no need to respond to the cannibal-esque commentary because that's just complete ignorance that choleric and brilliant minds such as myself just don't have time for.

But I agree with you on Jesus. That man could get the party starting, turning water into wine...and not the cheap shit box wine you put on your shoulder or Boones Farm, I'm talking bubbly baby. Plus, when you're incapable of consuming let's say about 5 40oz.'s he can just fix you right back up and have you eating burgers in less that 3 hours in no time. Mary Magdalene is like that annoying girl that you can't shake so it brings a sense of realism to everything thing b/c we all know a girl like that.

Christianity- "Catholic without the carbs"..clever, kudos to you. I don't really know much about these other sects but I know enough to wittily dehumanize you yet again.

"Baptist"-How can anyone negatively talk about a religion with black people juking and jiving all day long? I think little kids learn how to Harlem shake at church here. And regarding going a couple times, the clubs aren't open on Sunday mornings so there's no better time to "do the damn thang" But seriously, what is wrong with passionately showing faith in something you strongly believe in? I passionately believe in self-fornication and I show my faith about 18 times a day...(just kidding that would be impossible...only 12 times a day)

"Pentecostal"-Umm...speaking in tongues is cool, and you can actually make millions from making a movie off of it, look at the Exorcism of Emily Rose...point proven.

"Episcopalian"- I have no clue what this is but I do know you repeating something you saw on X-Files as a youth does not support concrete evidence about everything...and Agent Scully, why the hell do you think everybody is an alien??

"Unitarian"- What? Roller skating is for bitches, so a religion based upon something as bitch-like as roller skating deserves no commentary

"Mormon"- This religion is completely absurd I agree, but it provides more comedic relief than anything except Scientology. How can you discredit polygamy? The more women the better baby! Jay-Z might be mormon cuz these men are big pimpin...that may have been the lamest thing I've ever said, so my apologies. Short sleeved button downs are "in", and as fag .5 I know this, and Joseph Smith was the ..1 pick in the 1995 NBA draft. And Mormons are nice because they want to seduce you and marry you and make you their servant so more credit to them the more and more I think about it. And so what if they like to keep everything white...people, cocaine, their walls, there's nothing wrong with that. In residential Oak Park how often do you see non-caucasians? Getting heckled while taking a jog doesn't count either. They aren't opposed to other races, it's just a matter of their location prohibiting them for cultural diversity. On an episode of South Park they also had Mel Gibson throwing shit all over so you might be on to something there.... And as of today, I declare Keith Van Horn the new Mormon God, or leader, or whatever they claim the man formerly known as Mr. Smith to be.

Judaism-This religion angers me greatly, seriously. How can Jesus and his people originally be Jews and then discredit him as nothing more than another prophet? That's as absurd as other Italian, German & Irish people saying I'm not the best looking man on the planet, just another ordinary guy. They are cynical, intelligent, and stingy, which is not really a delightful triad of characteristics to have. And shave and stop trying to rap please, thanks. Here are some examples of what Jews waiting for "the one" is like: It's like Kyle waiting for a girl, it's just not gonna happen. It's like Victor waiting to not be a filthy fake Italian minority, it's just not gonna happen. It's like Louisville ever being competitive in the Big East I realize my writing might be far to intelligent for much of the feeble minds that read this, so basically I'm saying there is a parallel between what I wrote and the Jew's belief that there will be another savior.

Islam-Hookahs are the most prominent foundation for major religions. But Islam gets no credit. They take pieces from 78 other religions and try pass it off as their own. Pork is a solid source of protein so they are all missing out and getting the chiseled bodies they desire. And angry black men support this so I'm just not too keen of ABM's and thier enraged propaganda. And this is to Mahmuhd Abdul-Rauf...in college your name was Chris Jackson and you averaged over 36 a game...in the NBA you change your name and become a worthless twitching scrub. I blame Islam for this. And a Ludacris lyric came to mind upon reading this"Oink, oink, pig, pig, do away with the pork, the only thing I need is a steak knife and a fork"

Buddhism- I'm just not fond of the mid-east prominent religions so no credit to Buhhhism as well. How the fuck is rubbing a fat man's belly good luck? And why is he always sitting...get your lazy ass up. Go run around play soccer or ride elephants or somthing...oh wait they are too sacred nevermind. Anyhow what exactly did Buddha do? Mohammed went around teaching and preaching but I have no clue what Buddha did except having goofy statues made of his presence. Tim in complete junction with your Buddhism beliefs, well done.

Hinduism-anything based on oral tradition, except falacio, is no good and should be discredited immediately. I'm confused about what exactly this is as well because these last three religions just take things from eachother and make their own customs as they go along. Cows are good, slaughter and eat them all. And what's the deal with the extensive caligraphy they have on their arms? I remember seeing that at high school all the time and it was just bizarre.

Scientolgoy-Ahh yes, the pinacle of logical religions. Tom Cruise is the perfect spokesperson for this piece of shit, humiliating, and completely retarded "religion." He is fucking insane, which anyone who believes in this would have to be. Thank God South Park cleared this up for me...see early on in human existance, aliens came in and sucked out things from our souls and replaced them with the horrofic prophecies of the other religions, thus forcing us to become a brainwashed society ignorant to the real facts and pleasures of life. However, for only $295, e-meters can come clean your soul and "open your eyes" to the real world in front of you. However, you must pay $50 a month to keep a clear soul or else you are definitely going to fall victim to the propaganda plaguing mankind again. Ok seriously, what the fuck is going on here? How in the shit can anyone believe this...don't get me wrong Battlefield Earth was titilating and all, but what the fuck. I am extremely dissapointed that the man I know and love from Cocktail would advocate something as crazy as this. I bet Tom Cruise only had sex with Katie Holmes after he made her put on an alien costume and gave her a voice modulater to lower it and make her sound like a man...I know beastiality is a crime, but is alienality? Think about it...

Cults- These are always fun. Charles Manson is cool and I love kool-aid so I don't see what the problem is

TimothyC.Radwayism- Oh yes, the new cult of child on chinchilla sex and old basketball coach seduction, perfect. I do however like the motto of following you around and buying you liquor because I take great joy in watching you puke "mucus" aka...big bear, all over in the wee hours of the morning. And drawing on me is the best, I agree!

*On a serious note, the views and opinions expressed in this blog are not the views and opinions of the NBC corporation or of any of our sponsers (beer, crank, dildos, viagra etc.)*

I will keep this conclusion brief because I know Mrs. Radway's 8 paragraph intro turned many of you off. This is an exert from the "Radwayism Way",author Tim Radway,in stores now: Envy 1:1," You know at first glance it would appear I have everything going for me. I live in a lovely house with a lovely dog and have a full-time decently paying job. However, there is something just eating at me. I'm not sure why but I envy Trevor Giancarlo. His superior athletic ability is something I can deal with because I don't take pride in that. However, the fact that he routinely dismantles me in blog-offs is somewhat disheartening. I could have been at an Ivy-League school yet this non-job having, broke ass completely outsmarts and outwits me. I don't even want to discuss his good looks because it may come off slightly gay, but I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit he is the pinacle of man. DAMN you Trevor making me not even feel like a man...at least I now know what Tom Cruise must feel like." THE END

My noodle is defnitely cock-a-doodle

I have decided, after at least 7 gruleing seconds of thought, that I am a little bit crazy. I am a paradox of myself...for everything that I like in my life it seems there are complete opposites that I also like or vehemently dislike, or similar things that I treat just the same way. For example:

Food
-I really like ketchup
-I Hate tomatoes

-I don't like peppers (green, red, yellow) that much
-I love spicy foods

-I hate some foods because of their texture or consistency
-I could eat oatmeal three meals a day


Music
-I like rap
-I dress pretty preppy
-I hate country

-I love me some 70's rock and roll
- I hate metal

-I love to perform my own death metal
-I also like to sing country

Other-
I have a tattoo and love to work out and lift weights and flex my muscles. But I like to cook and clean and I do accounting work for a living.

I just think I'm crazy. I am not so sure others wouldn't agree. I sometimes even laugh out loud, unprovoked, when I am alone and without comedic media.

Here is a story from back in the day as I have dedicated most of my writing time for the week to "The Blogoff Two: Maybe Trevor will form a thought"

When I was a senior in high school, I went to some convention for some Club at a hotel in downtown Louisville. There were three other people in my room (all guys) and so being ultra-manly we all did not want to share beds, so two people claimed beds when they got there and me and the other guy were stuck with the floor (the other guy really loved god and stayed up all night talking about Christ with a group in the hallway, sso a bed was not too much of an issue for him...and I wish I was making that detial up).

That left me with a floor to sleep on. Screw that.

So I devised a plan. I laid down in the bed...this kid Brennan, who was a little weird, pushed me out. But then these girls from some rural county who he had met at the convention called our room and Brennan started spittin the un-smoothest game ever to them, but at least he vacated the bed.

I took my chance and got in the bed while Brennan was chatting and I came up with a sure proof way to keep the bed. I modified the grade school tactic of licking your food so no one else would want it, and I liberally drooled on the pools (before I was asleep, because if I had fallen asleep I would have inwittingly employed this tactic). So, Brennan saw me do this and conceded the bed. But there was still one problem; Brennan was drooling unflattering game to some, in all likelihood, funny looking girls.

So, I eventually told Brennan that I needed to talk to them, and he probably thought something like "Good there are three of them and they asked to talk to one of the other guys" At this point I ruined Brennan's game and he stopped talking on the phone.

These are, as far as I can remember, verbatim the words I said to those girls:

"Hi, you know Brennan, the guy you've been talking to for the last few hours? Do you ever watch Maury? You know those kids who have to wear special suits because normal sunlight causes them to get burned? Brennan is one of those guys. But hey, I am sure he has a special suit made for two just for him and a lady"

True, I got punched really hard, but my special suit story turned into something of lore among people at my high school. Although it was like a game of telephone and I think it actually in the end helped Brennan get some play "Did you hear Brennan has a suit that cooks special French food?" "Brennan has a lot of suits!"

Whatever. it was and is a good story.

Protuberances and other

I have had a zit on my butt all week, which, from its central location at the top of my butt crack, has been a source of pain and a rather bothersome protuberance. I would love to make some brilliant analogy between this ample pimple on my ass and the way things are going in my life right now, but my life is much better than an uncomfortable canker situated in an odd place.

Alright, alright, that was probably too much information. But shut the hell up. This is my bullshit log.

Last Saturday I spent too much time moving from the apartment to the new casa. The whole idea of moving was nice and all, but I beleive I exhausted my body to the point of sickness.

Then my favorite sports teams pulled an ass-pimple trifecta on me on Sunday, with U of L losing in basketball and the Colts and Bears losing that afternoon in football. My three favorite teams are after all:

1)U of L Men's B-Ball
2)Chicago Cubs
3)Indianapolis Colts

and the Bears come in it at a solid #16 or something. So, basically it sucked. As I commented to Bryce and Brian, "All I need is for them to come on the news and announce the entire Cubs organization has been in some sort of crash" Sheesh.

Sunday we actually foraged over to Bryce's apartment (Motto- "We have far dustier water than you") for some food, football, frollicking, fun, and flavor-ice. A few of the key moments of the day included:

-Bryce having dusty tasting water.
-Bryce dropping his cell phone off his second floor balcony.
-Bryce complaining about being slapped.
-Once I thought the Colts were going to lose, and U of L had lost, deciding to call Adam to tell him to get even more beer.
-The nasty dusty water
-Bryce getting drunk and kicking Brian and I out for some sort of stealth booty call wherein we were not even allowed to see the girl, and he directed her to a different parking lot. She may have looked like this:
http://www.cs.stir.ac.uk/~hrb/ethel.jpeg
or this:
http://www.uglypeople.com/uploaded/18609/ugly16.jpg

We will never know because they met at some place so covert the CIA does not even know about it.

An Ode to Jerome Bettis, By:Bill Cowher
IF YOU EVER FUMBLE AGAIN
I WILL NOT BE SURE YOU ARE A MAN
YOU GAVE THE COLTS HOPE
WITH YOUR SOON TO BE WIFE I WILL ELOPE
HAVE SEX WITH BIG BEN
YOU ALMOST GOT LOVED BY MEN
LUCKY FOR YOU ROTHLISBERGER MADE THE TACKLE
OR ELSE IN CHAINS YOU WOULD SURELY BE SHACKLED
A NICKNAME LIKE THE BUS
I DON'T SEE ALL THE FUSS
WHEN YOU MADE ME LOOK A FOOL
I WILL BEAT YOU UNTIL YOU DROOL
IF YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAINST DENVER
PARALYZED YOU WILL I RENDER

Work has been crazy hectic which leads me to another ass-pimple life situation. Now that I have moved into this sweet ass house that I am renting from my boss, what happens when I find a new job sometime after April 15th...can I still live in the house? Should I just take the easy route and say I have leukemia? Or some other made up disease such that I need "treatment" (AKA a different job) but I can still live in the house?

That's all I want to type for now, and frankly that's you all creeps deserve.

"Up until now, I was only 90% sure you were human"

The above is the ONLY funny quote ever to be uttered on the un-comedy Will & Grace. When I get home from work I don't really want to watch a non-stereotypical gay guy, (and to offset him) an over-the-top stereotypical gay guy, and their two annoying female friends engage in all sorts of chicanery that has no base in humor whatsoever. Somehow, the writers for this show accidentally wrote something funny and I am sure all appropriate measure are being taken by that cracker jack staff to ensure no humor is inserted in the future.

I've decided in the last week or so that I hate the Earth. Follow me on this one, if you so wish. Think of all the other planets in the solar system and all the cool things that they offer.

Mercury- Warm climate, rapid rotation, tiny.
Venus- Methane clouds. Enough said.
Mars- The Red Planet. Simply badass. Dust storms as well. It'd be like the Old West, except deadly.
Jupiter-This place is HUGE! Chinese people could even start having sex again if they wanted to. I would beat Donald Trump to building real estate on the Giant Red Ring.
Saturn- The rings are so cool, and I bet some lots of extreme athletes would try and do things on them, and in the process, die, which would be cool (so then I could host the Gauntlet on MTV)
Uranus-This one would be good only if you lived here and some other people still lived here on Earth. All non planetary communication would have to be marked "__________ from Uranus" (and don't pronous it YUR-a-nis)
Neptune & Pluto- Icy balls. (I always wanted to see that in writing, but now that I do, I am slightly let down)

Oh sure you say, "No other planet is sutiable for humans" "They all have dangerous disaster type shit going on" "Is that baby in the Quizno's commercial really talking?" "Why are Magic 8 Balls always right?"

To retort:
It does not really seem Earth is all that suitable for humans. Of course Earth is like a clean house, and humans are like the attendees of a huge party at that house...we just fuck it up like it's our job (which I must say, hell yeah).

Earth has dangerous disaster shit going on at all hours of the day. Tsunamis/earthquakes/hurricanes/tornadoes/floods/fires/mudslides/obese people at buffets/Will & Grace/sinkholes/typhoons/white squalls/The movie "Waiting"
How could any other planet be much worse? At the very least it would be something different. And fun. And hopefully get some extreme people killed.

I think my choice would have to be Uranus just for the enjoyable correspondance sent to my friends on other planets.

I do have reason to believe, however, that some of our intergalactic friends have already joined us on this planet, and most of them play basketball. So here they are, the All Alien Basketball Team:


C- Shelden Williams, Duke





PF-Tayshaun Prince, Detroit Pistons

PG- Rajon Rondo, UK



Alright, so the whole alien team only has three members, but they are extraterrestrials, so I am sure they could put together a game against some normal humans.



That's it. What the fuck did you want from me anyway.