Saturday, November 05, 2011

World's Largest Carbon Footprint

Ever since all of this hullabaloo began a few years of the reduction of one's carbon footprint, I have been trying to INCREASE my carbon footprint. Per this ecogreenIhopenobirdsgetstuckwiththosesixpackholdersstuckaroundtheirfaces website, this is the definition of carbon footprintage:

1. The primary footprint is a measure of our direct emissions of CO2 from the burning of fossil fuels including domestic energy consumption and transportation (e.g. car and plane). We have direct control of these.

2. The secondary footprint is a measure of the indirect CO2 emissions from the whole lifecycle of products we use - those associated with their manufacture and eventual breakdown. To put it very simply – the more we buy the more emissions will be caused on our behalf.

So, I have obviously been doing some things right in making my footprint more awesome, like:

-Leaving my stovetop burners on 24/7

-Leaving my oven on at a balmy 400

-Heat and or AC running all the time...once it reaches peak heat in the apartment, I crank up the AC...and the windows are always open so everything has to work extra hard

-I have installed several diesel engines to run things like my alarm clock, toothbrush (the taste is odd), and to help me lift my arms up in the air.

-I burn a shit ton of coal. Like more than the Southern Hemisphere. If I don't have a nice sooty fire going at all times, I wouldn't be doing my part. I also torch a lot of Prii in my spare time.

However, I have obviously been doing many things that are DECREASING my carbon footprint. I turn lights off when I leave a room, shut off faucets when I am not running the water, and worst of all, use public transit. I have a lot of work to do and therefore need to ride around in either old pickup trucks that spew out fuel or build a custom truck that gets 1 mile to the gallon. Either way, I'm gonna tear this shit up and my footprint will be the carboniest of them all, and maybe even some other chemical elements will be involved.

Also, why is the big trend in candy for the candy to feature "air"? I have seen many commercials for Hershey's chocolate featuring air. Should it cost a lot less since you don't get as much chocolate? Air is free. I mean, you don't want any of my air for free, but still. Come on ridiculous trends. Shut the fuck up.